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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My mates wife is being in my oppinion abusive to him, he hasn't been on a night out for the four years they have been together, cos she will either start a row or say she or there son is ill, she don't do anything round the house, she hates looking after their son, she accused him of having an afair, even though he only goes out to go to work or see his son from a previous relationship and also won't let him have his other son stay over, even though I have seen no evidence of her hitting him, I think this is an abusive relationship, should I do or say something, he's a great bloke and don't deserve to live like this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes it sounds abusive from what you've said. Emotional abuse. 
Just be a friend to him. He might be in denial or feel bad because he's a guy suffering. Be there for him same as you would if it was a woman suffering from emotional abuse. x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I'm just finding it hard to sit back and see the life drained out of him, he was such a fun guy, but now he just looks nervous all the time, if I want to see him I have to go round, and he has lost loads of mates cos we never hardly see him it's sad |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm just finding it hard to sit back and see the life drained out of him, he was such a fun guy, but now he just looks nervous all the time, if I want to see him I have to go round, and he has lost loads of mates cos we never hardly see him it's sad"
I have two rules in my life that I never ever break
1 always use the toilet before going to bed
2 keeping out of other peoples relationships
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From what you describe it's a controlling and manipulative relationship.
Unfortunately (and I speak from experience) all you can do is be his friend through this. If you try to raise the issue when he's not ready then you'll just be the guy who was trying to meddle. If you raise it when he is ready you'll be the reminder of the bad relationship and the one who should have spoken out sooner. And if you agree too readily when he raises it and he then stays with her you'll be the friend who hates the love of his life...
Don't let her push you out of his life and make sure he knows that he can always talk to you about anything (not manly but necessary). Above all don't stop issuing the invitations, even if you think he won't come. One day he may say yes and begin to remember who he could be.
Oh and stay civil with her. You don't have to like her but don't give her a reason to get him to drop you.
I know it's depressing to be the friend who watches someone you care about get treated this way, but by being his friend through thick and thin you'll be doing your best for him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Rather that risk imposing,,,,,, perhaps being tactful with your mate might provide you with a better understanding of how he views the circumstances of his life and relationship
You could just try steering a random conversation to a point where you ask if he’s happy with his life and are there areas he would rather change….
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My mates wife is being in my oppinion abusive to him, he hasn't been on a night out for the four years they have been together, cos she will either start a row or say she or there son is ill, she don't do anything round the house, she hates looking after their son, she accused him of having an afair, even though he only goes out to go to work or see his son from a previous relationship and also won't let him have his other son stay over, even though I have seen no evidence of her hitting him, I think this is an abusive relationship, should I do or say something, he's a great bloke and don't deserve to live like this"
If she treated me like that I would have left a After a month, just because your in a relationship you don't own the other person, you choose to spend time together. It seems like there's a serious lack of trust in her part, but more fool him for putting up with. He needs to be more assertive and get is life back.
Anyway that's my opinion |
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"From what you describe it's a controlling and manipulative relationship.
Unfortunately (and I speak from experience) all you can do is be his friend through this. If you try to raise the issue when he's not ready then you'll just be the guy who was trying to meddle. If you raise it when he is ready you'll be the reminder of the bad relationship and the one who should have spoken out sooner. And if you agree too readily when he raises it and he then stays with her you'll be the friend who hates the love of his life...
Don't let her push you out of his life and make sure he knows that he can always talk to you about anything (not manly but necessary). Above all don't stop issuing the invitations, even if you think he won't come. One day he may say yes and begin to remember who he could be.
Oh and stay civil with her. You don't have to like her but don't give her a reason to get him to drop you.
I know it's depressing to be the friend who watches someone you care about get treated this way, but by being his friend through thick and thin you'll be doing your best for him. "
this  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If all this is true he needs to grow a pair or he will become completely downtrodden. Incidently does your mates partner know you're bi ? The reason I ask is she may accuse you of having ulterior motives if you interfere.
At the end of the day it's non of your business what goes on in a couples life,good mate or not. |
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This is just your point of view.
Show me one person that didn't change after marriage and change further when kids came along and change even more when jobs get lost or partners are ill or stressed and I'll show you someone NOT affected by the plights of others around them. Which would be socio/psycopathic to say the least.
Ask him in a round about way about his l ife.
Don't assume his partner is abusive simply because she isn't coping either.
Too many OUTSIDERS think someone's partner is to blame.
If you really want to help.... help the WHOLE FAMILY.
Sounds like they need it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"3 sons from 3 women, doesn't sound like he is very stable, maybe that's what she picks up, and is scared of losing him."
No it's two sons two women, he was with his ex for 15 years he's a proper stand up guy, stable is his middle name lol, and if she is dared of losing him she would treat him better, there's no other way of looking at it she is just a horrible person |
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"3 sons from 3 women, doesn't sound like he is very stable, maybe that's what she picks up, and is scared of losing him.
No it's two sons two women, he was with his ex for 15 years he's a proper stand up guy, stable is his middle name lol, and if she is dared of losing him she would treat him better, there's no other way of looking at it she is just a horrible person"
No that's your view and you're being incredibly disrespectful about your friend's choice of partner to a load of strangers. You've already considered something that someone else has said about someone they don't know to be a possibility by mentioning that if she was scared of losing him she'd treat him better.
I know that if this same situation had been posted and it was the woman who was alledgedly being abused some answers might have been different but I agree with granny, if you see a situation like this try and find out the truth and help everyone. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"3 sons from 3 women, doesn't sound like he is very stable, maybe that's what she picks up, and is scared of losing him.
No it's two sons two women, he was with his ex for 15 years he's a proper stand up guy, stable is his middle name lol, and if she is dared of losing him she would treat him better, there's no other way of looking at it she is just a horrible person
No that's your view and you're being incredibly disrespectful about your friend's choice of partner to a load of strangers. You've already considered something that someone else has said about someone they don't know to be a possibility by mentioning that if she was scared of losing him she'd treat him better.
I know that if this same situation had been posted and it was the woman who was alledgedly being abused some answers might have been different but I agree with granny, if you see a situation like this try and find out the truth and help everyone. "
What ill do is help my mate, she can have her mates that she goes out with when she wants to help her, I don't care if I sound like I hate her, I've known the guy for 25 years, I'm not going to let him down, don't care how it makes me look |
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"3 sons from 3 women, doesn't sound like he is very stable, maybe that's what she picks up, and is scared of losing him.
No it's two sons two women, he was with his ex for 15 years he's a proper stand up guy, stable is his middle name lol, and if she is dared of losing him she would treat him better, there's no other way of looking at it she is just a horrible person
No that's your view and you're being incredibly disrespectful about your friend's choice of partner to a load of strangers. You've already considered something that someone else has said about someone they don't know to be a possibility by mentioning that if she was scared of losing him she'd treat him better.
I know that if this same situation had been posted and it was the woman who was alledgedly being abused some answers might have been different but I agree with granny, if you see a situation like this try and find out the truth and help everyone.
What ill do is help my mate, she can have her mates that she goes out with when she wants to help her, I don't care if I sound like I hate her, I've known the guy for 25 years, I'm not going to let him down, don't care how it makes me look"
What if the best thing you can do for your mate is to help both of them? Sometimes not letting a mate down is actually doing something that's best for him...not what you think is best for him without even discussing it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i think my mates wife is a proper tw@ but she makes him happy and i love her for that, my point is (all due respect) your opinion of her isnt going to meet squat to your friend, and he might get on the defensive and thats not going to be good for your friendship |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From what you describe it's a controlling and manipulative relationship.
Unfortunately (and I speak from experience) all you can do is be his friend through this. If you try to raise the issue when he's not ready then you'll just be the guy who was trying to meddle. If you raise it when he is ready you'll be the reminder of the bad relationship and the one who should have spoken out sooner. And if you agree too readily when he raises it and he then stays with her you'll be the friend who hates the love of his life...
Don't let her push you out of his life and make sure he knows that he can always talk to you about anything (not manly but necessary). Above all don't stop issuing the invitations, even if you think he won't come. One day he may say yes and begin to remember who he could be.
Oh and stay civil with her. You don't have to like her but don't give her a reason to get him to drop you.
I know it's depressing to be the friend who watches someone you care about get treated this way, but by being his friend through thick and thin you'll be doing your best for him.
this "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So the concensus is basically keep my beak out, ill try, but I can't garentee it "
Keep your beak out but be there for your friend, if that makes sense. Don't slag her off to him. Just be his pal, exactly like TD said.
If he is in that situation he needs his mates. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My brother lived in a very similar situation and woke eventually and now lives with a lovely lady and they paint the town red all the time  hopefully your mate will wake up soon too but in the meantime, just be there for him |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes it sounds abusive from what you've said. Emotional abuse.
Just be a friend to him. He might be in denial or feel bad because he's a guy suffering. Be there for him same as you would if it was a woman suffering from emotional abuse. x"
I know all about it only I saw it head on and got out before anything started. Sadly this lady is right about it being emotional abuse. What about you going around his for a few drinks with her being there and without her being there and see how he/she is, etc. |
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