FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > May sound confusing. Opinions needed.
May sound confusing. Opinions needed.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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This may sound confusing, but don't want to give the full story as its too long, etc.
Anyway my question was if you were paranoid about someone, but thought it could be just a coincidence so you dropped it. If you thought you heard that person then confirming that what you were paranoid about is actually true and it made you quite angry and upset. (But bare in mind you arent 100% sure if that is what they said). Which one of these would you do?
1. Just avoid them for good until they ask why and then you can explain the reasons why?
2. Confront them on the spot no matter where you are?
3. Take them aside and ask them about in private?
Also would the amount of alcohol you have had change your mind on which one of those 3 you would do? Also is it possible to be mates with someone if once every blue moon you think stuff like that about them, but the rest of the time you are either having a laugh or they are helping you through problems, etc? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My opinion, never tackle anything delicate. When you've had a few scoops so to speak. If personally take the person/persons to one side and have a quite word... If its bothering you a lot.
Otherwise I would just be fairly cool and try to carry on as normally as I could. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I know I am going to sound harsh here but when you post these complicated dilemmas without the facts and seek guidance I am at a loss as to how it helps in any way.
From what I can glean, most of the time you see them as friends but when alcohol has been involved things might appear more sinister. Stick to a friendship that involves enjoying whatever you enjoy together and if either of you have been drinking call it an early night before things get sour.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It depends on the subject matter and whom it affects.
If it affects someone I care about, and it is malicious, and I have heard/witnessed it myself, or the information came from a reliable source that I can trust, then I would not hesitate to confront the person myself.
If it affects me personally, and the person involved is someone that I do not care about already, then I would continue to blank and give him/her my infamous icy cold shoulder treatment.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I know I am going to sound harsh here but when you post these complicated dilemmas without the facts and seek guidance I am at a loss as to how it helps in any way.
From what I can glean, most of the time you see them as friends but when alcohol has been involved things might appear more sinister. Stick to a friendship that involves enjoying whatever you enjoy together and if either of you have been drinking call it an early night before things get sour.
"
I take your point. I class them as friends even with alcohol in my system. No matter how d*unk we are. We don't dispute. Because I felt angry/upset, yet knew we both had a lot to drink. I just carried on as normal and then walked off. Now looking back I was right to do so as alcohol can make you do things you regret, but I still think the same now as I did then. So I was in a clear state of mind then. Like I said too. My first post was the jist of it and the full message would be far too log to type/read. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It depends on the subject matter and whom it affects.
If it affects someone I care about, and it is malicious, and I have heard/witnessed it myself, or the information came from a reliable source that I can trust, then I would not hesitate to confront the person myself.
If it affects me personally, and the person involved is someone that I do not care about already, then I would continue to blank and give him/her my infamous icy cold shoulder treatment.
"
Say you were the "paranoid" one and it affects you personally and its your best mate who almost confirmed the truth about you. Then what? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Stop worrying and sort it out .... if they are a true friend they will listen and put your mind at rest . Without drink in this ...... you will drive yourself mad thinking all sorts of things if you don't ok .. |
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I know it's hard to convey things on these forums sometimes but your posts like this make my brain hurt.
So hopefully I'm answering correctly..,
Firstly it depends on what the paranoid thoughts are about? Will they affect your friendship in any way? Are they anything to do with you?? Etc.
Secondly the adult thing to do in any situation is take the person to one side sober and explain the situation to them and allow them to get their side of the story accross. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Stop worrying and sort it out .... if they are a true friend they will listen and put your mind at rest . Without drink in this ...... you will drive yourself mad thinking all sorts of things if you don't ok .."
That's why I waited until I was sober before making a decision and still undecided. Hence this post. My point as well was if you think that sort of stuff about them can they still be your friend? |
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So you are paranoid that someone has confirmed your paranoia and want to do something about it?
You've already said in other posts that you have are paranoid about a lot of things and it's your nature to think the worst.
I'd just leave it. Maybe seeke some help for your paranoia and learn ways to deal with it etc. |
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"Stop worrying and sort it out .... if they are a true friend they will listen and put your mind at rest . Without drink in this ...... you will drive yourself mad thinking all sorts of things if you don't ok ..
That's why I waited until I was sober before making a decision and still undecided. Hence this post. My point as well was if you think that sort of stuff about them can they still be your friend? "
Depends what the stuff you are thinking is? Wether it's true or not?
If it's just you being paranoid and it's not actually fact then surely being friends isn't an issue. Well, it might be for him if he found out you think he's a knob for whatever reason but he actually isn't lol  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It depends on the subject matter and whom it affects.
If it affects someone I care about, and it is malicious, and I have heard/witnessed it myself, or the information came from a reliable source that I can trust, then I would not hesitate to confront the person myself.
If it affects me personally, and the person involved is someone that I do not care about already, then I would continue to blank and give him/her my infamous icy cold shoulder treatment.
Say you were the "paranoid" one and it affects you personally and its your best mate who almost confirmed the truth about you. Then what? "
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Me, getting paranoid? Hardly ever as I genuinely do not care what people think!
Back to the hypothetical question.
Please clarify if you meant the subject matter is about me, and it is my best friend that is doing the telling.
Not that my best mates would do that to me, and if they do, I would not hesitate to confront them before excommunicating them for good.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I know it's hard to convey things on these forums sometimes but your posts like this make my brain hurt.
So hopefully I'm answering correctly..,
Firstly it depends on what the paranoid thoughts are about? Will they affect your friendship in any way? Are they anything to do with you?? Etc.
Secondly the adult thing to do in any situation is take the person to one side sober and explain the situation to them and allow them to get their side of the story accross. "
Basically I am thinking if I confront the issue I will lose a mate because surely you can never be paranoid about the way they treat you? Its only once a blue moon I get that feeling about them though and that's on a very bad day. |
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"I know it's hard to convey things on these forums sometimes but your posts like this make my brain hurt.
So hopefully I'm answering correctly..,
Firstly it depends on what the paranoid thoughts are about? Will they affect your friendship in any way? Are they anything to do with you?? Etc.
Secondly the adult thing to do in any situation is take the person to one side sober and explain the situation to them and allow them to get their side of the story accross.
Basically I am thinking if I confront the issue I will lose a mate because surely you can never be paranoid about the way they treat you? Its only once a blue moon I get that feeling about them though and that's on a very bad day. "
Then you aren't paranoid, you mean sometimes he treats you like a shit friend and others he doesn't. I have friends that are a bit flaky on occasion but I can be too so I just let it slide. We both know that we can't be 100% reliable with young kids having to come first so we have to cancel meeting up etc
But it depends how badly he treats you and why? If I found out my friend had been slagging me off, stealing from me, were violent towards me etc even if it were once in a blue moon we wouldn't be friends any more |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I know it's hard to convey things on these forums sometimes but your posts like this make my brain hurt.
So hopefully I'm answering correctly..,
Firstly it depends on what the paranoid thoughts are about? Will they affect your friendship in any way? Are they anything to do with you?? Etc.
Secondly the adult thing to do in any situation is take the person to one side sober and explain the situation to them and allow them to get their side of the story accross.
Basically I am thinking if I confront the issue I will lose a mate because surely you can never be paranoid about the way they treat you? Its only once a blue moon I get that feeling about them though and that's on a very bad day. "
You can be paranoid about your friends: it's your paranoia not necessarily what they are doing.
If you are feeling paranoid about your friends you risk losing good friends who may well recognise your paranoia and are continuing to be your friends because they can see past that.
You reading a suspected "confirmation" of that you think they are thinking isn't something you can confront them about. Be clear about what you know and what your mind is telling you. That's not easy, I know, but alcohol does not help and thinking that you were clear headed when you had the alcohol because you feel the same now just isn't the same as knowing something.
Seek some professional help and discuss your paranoia with a therapist.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Stop worrying and sort it out .... if they are a true friend they will listen and put your mind at rest . Without drink in this ...... you will drive yourself mad thinking all sorts of things if you don't ok ..
That's why I waited until I was sober before making a decision and still undecided. Hence this post. My point as well was if you think that sort of stuff about them can they still be your friend? "
If really a good friend they will be there in the good and bad times ....... that's what sorts out true friends. xx so be brave face up to this and you will have peace of mind .. xxx |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
And, as you can see, on here you have had four or five different answers to your question. We all read things in different ways.
That is what communication is like in a lot of situations. You say and mean one thing but the other person hears the words but an entirely different meaning.
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You are not paranoid.
You heard something that you didn't like.
Two different things.
Columbo never got suspicious and then said ... 'oh ffs silly ole paranoid me'
You learned a truth and it falls short of your expectations of your friend.
Learning something doesn't make you paranoid. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Stop worrying and sort it out .... if they are a true friend they will listen and put your mind at rest . Without drink in this ...... you will drive yourself mad thinking all sorts of things if you don't ok ..
That's why I waited until I was sober before making a decision and still undecided. Hence this post. My point as well was if you think that sort of stuff about them can they still be your friend? If really a good friend they will be there in the good and bad times ....... that's what sorts out true friends. xx so be brave face up to this and you will have peace of mind .. xxx"
I thought when people say "good/bad times". The bad is usually when someone is upset and their mate is there to pick them up. Not because its the mate who has upset them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Stop worrying and sort it out .... if they are a true friend they will listen and put your mind at rest . Without drink in this ...... you will drive yourself mad thinking all sorts of things if you don't ok ..
That's why I waited until I was sober before making a decision and still undecided. Hence this post. My point as well was if you think that sort of stuff about them can they still be your friend? If really a good friend they will be there in the good and bad times ....... that's what sorts out true friends. xx so be brave face up to this and you will have peace of mind .. xxx
I thought when people say "good/bad times". The bad is usually when someone is upset and their mate is there to pick them up. Not because its the mate who has upset them. "
Well if your mate a real mate .. they will care how you feel .. x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Stop worrying and sort it out .... if they are a true friend they will listen and put your mind at rest . Without drink in this ...... you will drive yourself mad thinking all sorts of things if you don't ok ..
That's why I waited until I was sober before making a decision and still undecided. Hence this post. My point as well was if you think that sort of stuff about them can they still be your friend? If really a good friend they will be there in the good and bad times ....... that's what sorts out true friends. xx so be brave face up to this and you will have peace of mind .. xxx
I thought when people say "good/bad times". The bad is usually when someone is upset and their mate is there to pick them up. Not because its the mate who has upset them. Well if your mate a real mate .. they will care how you feel .. x"
And there's me thinking its relationships with women is my weak point, but is isn't as it looks like relationships full stop is the issue. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Stop worrying and sort it out .... if they are a true friend they will listen and put your mind at rest . Without drink in this ...... you will drive yourself mad thinking all sorts of things if you don't ok ..
That's why I waited until I was sober before making a decision and still undecided. Hence this post. My point as well was if you think that sort of stuff about them can they still be your friend? If really a good friend they will be there in the good and bad times ....... that's what sorts out true friends. xx so be brave face up to this and you will have peace of mind .. xxx
I thought when people say "good/bad times". The bad is usually when someone is upset and their mate is there to pick them up. Not because its the mate who has upset them. Well if your mate a real mate .. they will care how you feel .. x
And there's me thinking its relationships with women is my weak point, but is isn't as it looks like relationships full stop is the issue. X"
You maybe take things to heart easy and look deep into things maybe to deep and that can make you feel like this . xx |
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I would say the only wrong answer is to confront them in front of others...
If you feel there is a need to have others present when you confront them then you need to think about the consequences of your actions when others are not present...
After that only you can know what the correct answer is to your dilemma, but I suspect you already know the answer. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Stop worrying and sort it out .... if they are a true friend they will listen and put your mind at rest . Without drink in this ...... you will drive yourself mad thinking all sorts of things if you don't ok ..
That's why I waited until I was sober before making a decision and still undecided. Hence this post. My point as well was if you think that sort of stuff about them can they still be your friend? If really a good friend they will be there in the good and bad times ....... that's what sorts out true friends. xx so be brave face up to this and you will have peace of mind .. xxx
I thought when people say "good/bad times". The bad is usually when someone is upset and their mate is there to pick them up. Not because its the mate who has upset them. Well if your mate a real mate .. they will care how you feel .. x
And there's me thinking its relationships with women is my weak point, but is isn't as it looks like relationships full stop is the issue. XYou maybe take things to heart easy and look deep into things maybe to deep and that can make you feel like this . xx"
You may have a point there, but if I am right in what I hear then its not something petty. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Stop worrying and sort it out .... if they are a true friend they will listen and put your mind at rest . Without drink in this ...... you will drive yourself mad thinking all sorts of things if you don't ok ..
That's why I waited until I was sober before making a decision and still undecided. Hence this post. My point as well was if you think that sort of stuff about them can they still be your friend? If really a good friend they will be there in the good and bad times ....... that's what sorts out true friends. xx so be brave face up to this and you will have peace of mind .. xxx
I thought when people say "good/bad times". The bad is usually when someone is upset and their mate is there to pick them up. Not because its the mate who has upset them. Well if your mate a real mate .. they will care how you feel .. x
And there's me thinking its relationships with women is my weak point, but is isn't as it looks like relationships full stop is the issue. XYou maybe take things to heart easy and look deep into things maybe to deep and that can make you feel like this . xx
You may have a point there, but if I am right in what I hear then its not something petty. X"
well that's why you need to get this off your chest and have it out ... for your peace of mind too for you.x |
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