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Jokes
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"Everytime my wife and I want to have sex,we have to say the code word 'Washing Machine.'The other night I leant over to her in bed and said,"Washing Machine."She said,"Sorry babe,I'm too tired,maybe tomorrow."After 10 minutes she felt guilty so she turned over,and whispered in my ear,"Washing Machine."I said,"Sorry love,it was only a small load so I did it by hand." " Quality | |||
"Anyone got any good ones...I could do with a good giggle" In relation to the title of this thread - Crazed is a good one apparently  | |||
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"Everytime my wife and I want to have sex,we have to say the code word 'Washing Machine.'The other night I leant over to her in bed and said,"Washing Machine."She said,"Sorry babe,I'm too tired,maybe tomorrow."After 10 minutes she felt guilty so she turned over,and whispered in my ear,"Washing Machine."I said,"Sorry love,it was only a small load so I did it by hand." " love! | |||
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"This is an old one A guy is having sex with his wife and she says to him god you've got a little dick, to which he protests, no it you who's got a big fanny. They continue to argue for a while and decide that she should go and ask the doctor his opinion, the doctor says I think this is down to you to decide, go home and place a mirror on the floor and take a look and make a decision . The wife goes home takes the mirror off the back of the wardrobe door and places on the floor and straddles it. The next thing she knows is that her husband has rugby tackled her and they are both in a heap in the corner of the bedroom. She says what the fuck did you do that for you could have broken my arm, he said you'd have broken your fucking neck if you'd fallen down that!" Some of these are ace | |||
"bot offered a manutd lamp today looked good in the middle of the table " lol brilliant | |||
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"What do you call a mushroom with a long stalk?? A fungi to be with! "What do you call a welsh women who has nice legs and uses the fab forums? Frustrating  | |||
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"I asked my welsh mate to count his sexual conquests .. he started counting then fell asleep xx"  | |||
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"I asked my welsh mate to count his sexual conquests .. he started counting then fell asleep xx " | |||
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"Love is like a pack of cards, all you want to start with is harts and diamonds but in the end your wishing you had a club and a spade "You mean marriage not love | |||
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"I rrmember my first older woman, I was young and inexperienced. Got back to her place and she said we should start with 69, not wanting to sound clueless I said great. So stripped and got on the bed. She started to slowly taker her clothes off, and let one go... it stank, I ignored it, she carried on, bent down to take another item off, she let go again, it stank. After a few more she she came over and cocked her leg over my head and let go again, it stank worse... I couldn't take it and left, saying I couldn't take another 61 of them...." | |||
" Dunno about good but this was the first joke I was ever taught upon my mommas knee.....Why did the hedgehog cross the road?.........to see his flatmate. Boom lol" Another - Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To show his mate's he had guts | |||
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"This is one of my faves... One night in the Six Bells, Stan says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor" "Listen, you don't have to waste your time sitting in doctors surgeries," replies Mike. "There's a diagnostic computer in Tesco's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes only ten seconds and costs five quid - a lot better than sitting in doctor surgeries." So Stan pops a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits a fiver into the machine and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water, rub in some arnica (Aisle 4) and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Tesco. That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Stan began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hehurried to Tesco before it closed, eager to check the result. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction and awaited the results. The computer lights up and ten seconds later prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard...Get a water softener kit (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm....Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit....Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant....Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Tesco. " I laughed out loud at this | |||
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"How do you make a cat go woof.... Poor petrol on it and set it alight At least I make myself laugh "Brilliant | |||
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Okay I'll stop now | |||
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 x x X | |||
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"This is an old one A guy is having sex with his wife and she says to him god you've got a little dick, to which he protests, no it you who's got a big fanny. They continue to argue for a while and decide that she should go and ask the doctor his opinion, the doctor says I think this is down to you to decide, go home and place a mirror on the floor and take a look and make a decision . The wife goes home takes the mirror off the back of the wardrobe door and places on the floor and straddles it. The next thing she knows is that her husband has rugby tackled her and they are both in a heap in the corner of the bedroom. She says what the fuck did you do that for you could have broken my arm, he said you'd have broken your fucking neck if you'd fallen down that!"  | |||
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"there is another thread more suited to these jokes "This is a joke thread that's what it says on the top | |||
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"Seen on a T-shirt, "What do we want? A cure for Tourettes When do we want it? CUNT!" " | |||
"Quietman 76 laughed my bollocks off till rears ran down my face at the "keeping your dinner warm" joke." Thanks - heard it ages ago but I think it still works well. | |||
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"Knocked out my nuitrionist today, he told me "you are what you eat" ......... Nobody calls me a pussy!! "Not really a joke but I thought you should know that Finsbury Park spelt abckwards is pronounced "Crappy Rub Sniff" | |||
