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By *ebzStar OP Woman
over a year ago
Notting |
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.' |
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By *ebzStar OP Woman
over a year ago
Notting |
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.' |
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By *ebzStar OP Woman
over a year ago
Notting |
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan.. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall! |
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By *ebzStar OP Woman
over a year ago
Notting |
{love this one}
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the
afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m...' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!' |
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By *ebzStar OP Woman
over a year ago
Notting |
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?' |
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"{love this one}
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the
afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m...' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'"
That really made me giggle. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
Forum Mod |
"A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan.. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!"
Me and Rob are pissing ourselves laughing  |
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An old couple Bert and Mable move to Texas where Bert buys himself a pair of real cowboy boots, something he has always wanted. He wears them home, and walks into the kitchem where Mable is preparing dinner. 'Do you notice anything different about me' he askes proudly. Mable looks him up and down and says 'Nope'. Somewhat irked, Bert goes off into the bedroom, strips naked except for the boots then stolls back into the kitchen. 'Now do you notice anything different?' Mable looks at him and says, 'Bert, its hanging down today just like it was hanging down yesterday and just like it will be hanging down again tomorrow'. Annoyed Bert yells 'And do you know why its hanging down Mable? Cos its looking at my new Cowboy Boots!!' Without even looking up this time Mable said 'Should'a got a hat Bert, should'a got a hat!' |
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By *ebzStar OP Woman
over a year ago
Notting |
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
[]
[]
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree..
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . .. ..having money.
At age 50 success is .. . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .... . Having a drivers license..
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The Ages of Woman:
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?
The Ages of Man:
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
3. Over 47: Try weakly |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An old man totters in to a chemist
"Can i have 6 viagra cut in quarters?"
"I can cut them for you" said the chemist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection"
"I'm 96" said the man "I dont have much use for an erection, I just want it stickin out far enough so i dont piss on my slippers" |
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