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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.
The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account.
POOF! done.
Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color.
POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates. |
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By *zMaleMan
over a year ago
penzance |
Bloke walking along the beach and kicks a bottle. Out pops a genie. I'll Grant you one wish. The bloke thinks about it. Right being a cheese and wine lover, I want a bridge over the English channel to France so I can get the proper stuff.
The Genie thinks about this and says It can't be done. You want me to build a bridge 22 miles long across the busiest sea lane in the World? sorry You'll have to think of something else.
Bloke thinks for a while. OK says he, Tell me how my wifes mind works. Genie turns round quick as a flash, "How many street lights do you want on that bridge" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have been toying with the idea of starting a joke thread myself since I find myself laughing at a lot of the retorts and wittisms on here. Keep your eyes peeled  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks, "what's the good news?"
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.....!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Guy goes into a bar and out of one pocket he pulls a toy Grand Piano. Out of another pocket he pulls a miniature man in full top hat & tails who then sits at the piano & plays magnificent music for about an hour.
The barman is stunned by this & asks how the guy came by this pocket genius.
The guy explains how he fought in the Gulf & found a bottle with a Genie who granted him a single wish. But just as he said what he wanted a loud explosion sounded and the genie thought he said a 10 inch Pianist! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bloke walking along the beach and kicks a bottle. Out pops a genie. I'll Grant you three wishes, but beware, whatever you wish for your wife will get double!
For his first wish he asks for a million pounds.
POOF! "It's in your bank account, but your wife got 2 million," replies the genie.
For his second wish he asks for a luxury apartment in Chelsea.
POOF! "You now have THE swankiest penthouse in Chelsea overlooking the Thames with your own berth where there is a top of the range motor cruiser waiting for you, but your wife got an enormous pile in the country with 100 acres of land."
For his third wish he asks for a mild heart attack. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Police are seeking a man who has so far stabbed 6 people to death with knitting needles, all in the same area....experts believe he is following some kind of pattern !
feel free to groan  |
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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago
south coast |
There was three guyz on an island, lets call them 1,2, and 3. they were on the brink of death when 1 found a lamp with a genie in it. The genie tells them to get 10 of the same fruit and then come back to him.3 returns first with apples. The genie tells him okay shove these 10 apples up your butt and if you do not change your facial expression ill get you off this island. So he starts 1,2,3,4,5 then he yells in pain so he is stuck on the island forever.2 returns with berries and the genie tells him the same thing. So he begins 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 then he starts cracking up laughing, so he is punished by being stranded on the island forever. while 1 is testing his talent 3 asks 2 "Why did you satart laughing, you were so close?!" 2 said" i saw 1 had pineapples!"  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms...receptionists says..shall I put them on your bill ?..."Dont be thukin thupid I'd thuffocate !!!! |
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By *zMaleMan
over a year ago
penzance |
Guy asleep in bed. He wakes up half way through the night to find a genie stood at the bottom of the bed. WTF he thinks and rolls over and goes back to sleep.
Next morning the guy wakes up and finds the Genie still stood there. What do you want the guy asks. Genie turns to him and said I granterd you 3 wishes last night. Yeah right the guy says.Genie says pull back your bed clothes. guy does as he's told and there's a nubile blonde begging him for a shag. Hmmmm What else said the guy. Genie says stick your hand in your trouser pocket. the guy does as he's told and pulls out a £50 note. Is that it exclaimed the guy. No says Genie everytime you put your hand in your pocket you pull out another one. With that there's a knock at the door, the guy answers the door to find the Ku Klux Klan standing there. Guy says what do you want. The Ku Klux Klan guy says Are you the one that wants to be hung like a N**ger |
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an irishman was walking along the beach on a deserted desert island on a baking hot day and he picked up a bottle and opened it
out poped the genie who said to the irishmam " im in a hurry today so i am only going to give you TWO wishes
after a lot of deep thought the irishman said
i want a pint of guinnes , but not an ordinary pint , i has to be a never ending pint , that keeps topping itself up
POOOOOF ........ there you go , and in the irishmans hand appeared a full pint of guinnes
he put it to his lips and supped it half empty
but then , glug glug glug , it filled to the top again
jaysus thats the craik he said bloody fantastic
come on hurry up whats your other wish asked the genie
oyel have another one of these ........ |
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