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It's Thursday Innit....? ;-)

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

THERE ARE AUDIS THEREFORE THERE ARE TOSSPOTS???

Or are there tosspots, and therefore there are Audis? First thing this morning, on my cycle ride into work, I was forced to comtemplate this. One of life's little existential conundrums. But it led me on to this: Are all Audi drivers bell-ends from birth, or do they only become bell-ends when they buy one?

I started to ponder this after one of said bell-ends overtook me where the road narrowed due to a central reservation as I cycled to work. It was only my skill as a rider that stopped me hitting the kerb and seriously injuring myself. I'm currently working in Inverness and it's all downhill to work, so I was doing about 25mph myself. I did cack myself a little bit. So it gets me thinking about every time I've encountered bad manners, impatience or downright twattery on the roads. It's pretty much always a twunt in an Audi. Fortunately Audi have unwittingly devised a simple early warning system for other road users to warn of impending twattage. It's their WWL system (Wanker Warning Lights), or the little curved running lights on the front. Other motorists on seeing these lights in their rear view mirror, or anywhere in their field of vision should take emergency measures to ensure their safety due to the likelyhood of death by moron. I know it used to be the domain of BMW drivers, but they seem to be behaving themselves of late. Possibly the strict order, utter boredom and mind-straining technicality of their vehicles has mentally culled them into conformity.

So are these people genetically disposed to purchase Audis? If we were to look at their DNA strand would we see a little four ring section amongst the double helix shape? If so, then surely we could devise a test that women could take during pregnancy to find this out? So alongside the test for Down Syndrome women could be told if their spawn is liable to grow up to be a bell-end, and give them the right to decide to terminate. I imagine this would cause moral outrage though, and open up the route for terminating potential gingers or munters too. I can't believe that people are programmed genetically to behave like that though, one or two people yes. Jedward, Simon Cowell, Katie Price etc. So I can only imagine it's something more sinister...........

"A man goes to an Audi dealer to look at buying a new car. He's never bought Audi before but likes the look of a few of their models. He talks to the salesman, he seems very nice and pleasant. He couldn't be more helpful and they're offering him a good trade in deal on his car. (He fails to notice the BLACK residue left on the floor where the salesman walks)

He test drives a few, Oh yes it's very nice. Well appointed and laid out, very comfortable. Possibly a bit sporty for him though, he's been used to his Ford Fiesta. He decides to buy one though (there's a deep rumble of thunder as he makes this decision) and tells the salesman, who rubs his hands with glee and makes a strange maniacal laugh. How odd.

He chooses one in a lovely shade of metallic blue. When the time comes to pick it up however, it's BLACK. Proper BLACK, the absence of all light. It shows no reflections. How strange.

He complains to the salesman, who can't apologize enough for the mistake and offers him a cup of tea while he arranges a replacement. The man drinks the tea and suddenly forgets why he was wanting to complain. It must have been about something??

Oh well, it's time to get in his new car and go home. He says goodbye to the salesman who appears to be hanging by his feet from the ceiling now, wrapped in a set of leathery wings. That's rather odd, he never did that before. The man slides into the car and starts the engine. Hmmmm...that sounds nice. He puts it into gear.

Two quivering green tentacles uncoil from the headrest, and like a striking snake attach themselves with a small ring of teeth, just behind each ear. There's a millisecond of intense pain, then nothing but pleasure. They start to pulsate as if a fluid was traveling down them and there's a strange sucking noise. The next thing the man remembers is getting out of the car at home.

How did that happen? Silly me I must be getting old. It must have been such a comfortable effortless ride that it just went by so quickly that's all. That's odd, there are dents on the bonnet, Oh no! But wait, they appear to be healing themselves. Looks like oil flowing into them. That's clever. What will they think of next.....

I love my new car....."

Or it could just be that EVERYONE------I'll say that again, EVERYONE who owns an Audi is a total utter and complete wanker. No exceptions, you have the four rings on your bonnet and the WWL so you're a tosspot. You drive like you're the only one on the roads and have the spatial awareness of a mole. You should be fucked in the head with a large hammer. You may think you're a fucking touring car driver but you're not, you're a fucking insurance salesman who is probably also the other worst sort of human being, a golfer. Most other road users on seeing you in a car wreck would actively try and find the matches to light you on fire, because you probably caused it with your utter cockerry.

Actually this is a rant I wrote over a year ago and posted on a now defunct blog. I was thinking of resurrecting this after literally one person on here asked me to! But I couldn't let a Thursday go by and not rant about something. I just haven't had the time to write a new one this week. Hope it equally offended and made you smile...X

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman  over a year ago

evesham

cant be arsed to read all that

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By *ibanditMan  over a year ago

Liverpool


"cant be arsed to read all that "

yeah, tldr - but glad you managed to have a Thursday rant, even if it is an old one!

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By *renchbambi xWoman  over a year ago

Need to know basis

Blogging is not ranting!!!

Nice one though

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By *londeCazWoman  over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Class Jodie...that's made my Thursday xxx

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Didn't read a word of it but I probably share the sentiment.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Jodie - I've been waiting for your Thursday rant all bloody day!!

Frigging glad I've never owned an Audi!!

Top rant!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Used to be BMW M3 drivers but they progressed onto Audi Rs

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By *livia_KWoman  over a year ago

South London

I always look forward to Jodie's rants.

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By *icketysplitsWoman  over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

J0die, that was only part rant.

I know of an Audi owner who ended up with a black one - not the colour he was looking for.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Thank god, at last, Jodie's Thursday rant makes my week complete. Plus I've never owned an Audi phew!! Mind you it is for the reason stated above so it's all good lol

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

audi drivers have the classic syndrome of thinking they are a higher being due to the fact audis are insainly overpriced

they are just over dressed VW's with a hiked up price

think of them like diamonds......just nicely stacked carbon, once you look past face value its not that special really

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By *issHottieBottieWoman  over a year ago

Kent

Brilliant!!! X

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By *icketysplitsWoman  over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"audi drivers have the classic syndrome of thinking they are a higher being due to the fact audis are insainly overpriced

they are just over dressed VW's with a hiked up price

think of them like diamonds......just nicely stacked carbon, once you look past face value its not that special really "

I really like nicely stacked carbon whether it's in human or diamond form.

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By *eareenaCouple  over a year ago

Rockford

Fabulous... Especially liked the twunts getting fuckedin the head with a hammer.... Gold

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Great story, nice imagery

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By *renchbambi xWoman  over a year ago

Need to know basis

Had to read it again...I missed a few things the first time!

Brilliant

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Jodie ............. I am sooooo busy could u just do a little condensed version for me please ............ pretty please ........ mwah

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago


"Jodie ............. I am sooooo busy could u just do a little condensed version for me please ............ pretty please ........ mwah "

For you, no.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"Jodie ............. I am sooooo busy could u just do a little condensed version for me please ............ pretty please ........ mwah

For you, no. "

oiiiiiiiiii that's harsh ........ what did I do to upset u ....... I don't drive an audi ...... and never have ... and that's as far as I got lol

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"Jodie ............. I am sooooo busy could u just do a little condensed version for me please ............ pretty please ........ mwah

For you, no.

oiiiiiiiiii that's harsh ........ what did I do to upset u ....... I don't drive an audi ...... and never have ... and that's as far as I got lol "

It's a cross between Christine, The Body Snatchers andSupernatural

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