FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > More Jokes!
More Jokes!
Jump to: Newest in thread
A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, they were just about to have sex on the couch when he could feel the cold barrel of a gun on his neck...
Before he could turn around her father said,
"If your a real lorry driver you'll be able to back out of there with a full load"
  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Mickey Mouse goes to a divorce lawyer...
The lawyer says ' sorry Mr Mouse, you can't divorce Minnie just because she has buck teeth'
'Who said anything about buck teeth' says Mickey.....
'I said she was fucking goofy!!'
 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
 |
By *ickedxxxCouple
over a year ago
Birmingham |
An apprentice mortician is asked to clean down a beautiful women who has just passed away. After a while the apprentice returns to the office an says "excuse me but I have a small problem" the mortician takes the boy
aside and ask him what the problem is . "Well he says I began to clean her down like you asked but when I got to the lower half there appears to be a welk stuck between her legs".the mortician starts to laugh but after a while he remembers his place and does not want to offended the boy anymore "well lad what you saw was the women's clitoras as a women gets older and after children they can pop out a bit so don't worry about it and carry on with what your doing." the mortician walks of laughing to himself and the boy returns to his job and mutters to himself "well it tasted like a welk anyway!" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.
"Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.
"Why because none of them have a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why".
 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
" I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.
"Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.
"Why because none of them have a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why".
"
Or as Randy Newman put it, back to your own miserable country. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My wife laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta. "
I can't stop laughing at this! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
THE PERFECT HUSBAND...bloody good this one
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£37,000.";
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking £570,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's
what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A brothel owner in Portsmouth hears that a Warship is due in full of sailors who have been away 8 months.
He sees the opportunity to make a few quid but doesn't have time to employ anymore "ladies" at short notice.
So he decides to buy 6 blow up dolls and remove the light bulbs in 6 rooms.
The ship docks, randy sailors pour in and very soon his real girls are taken.
The next guy is told, "your girl is in room 6 at the top, the lights are off as she is very shy and she won't want to speak but she'll take all you have"!
The sailor goes up to room 6 and ten minutes later he's back down at reception.
Brothel owner: "Everything ok mate"?
Sailor: "Not really...I didn't realise she would be quite so shy... I only bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out of the window"! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Doctor: "I've got some good news and some really bad news. The good news is you only have a week to live."
Patient: "Bloody hell, what could be worse news than that?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you for the last 6 days." |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I went to Blockbuster last night and said " Can i have Batman Forever please "
The assistant replied " No you can have it for the night like everyone else ! " |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A Gypsy girl is getting married and her mum says, Tonight your new husband is going to put his most prized possession where you pee.
Don't be daft says the girl... he'll never get his transit in our caravan sink! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Our small town held their Summer Fayre this weekend just gone.
Results of the fancy dress parade were :
3rd : A young boy with a mouthful of custard who went as a boil.
2nd : a coloured guy who went as a tripod.
1st : a woman with varicose veins who went as a road map. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Apparently IKEA are now offering Lesbian Beds.......no nuts or screwing, its all tongue and groove....
I've been banned by Screwfix Direct...
Apparently its not a swinging site...
Very witty  "
Thanks! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *atcoupleCouple
over a year ago
Suffolk - East Anglia |
"THE PERFECT HUSBAND...bloody good this one
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£37,000.";
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking £570,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's
what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?""
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"
Our small town held their Summer Fayre this weekend just gone.
Results of the fancy dress parade were :
3rd : A young boy with a mouthful of custard who went as a boil.
2nd : a coloured guy who went as a tripod.
1st : a woman with varicose veins who went as a road map. "
Dont forget about premature ejaculation bloke - He just came in his pant |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
WALLET SCAMS WARNING AT ASDA!! Whilst packing your shopping away you may be approached by 2 gorgeous 18 year old eastern European girls, in tight tops and short skirts, they clean your windscreen while pressing their tits against it, they ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment, on the way there they perform oral sex on each other then one climbs in the front and gives you a blow job while the other steals your wallet, I had mine stolen on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and twice on Sunday and again today, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED BE CAREFUL!!
Ps... they sell wallets for 99p in pound Land
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A guy had his arm amputated and was feeling suicidal.
He climbed to the top of a multi storey car park and was about to jump. As he was about to leap he saw a man with no arms at all skipping down the street whistling.
The guy thought to himself, how selfish am i, I only lost one arm he has lost both and he is so happy.
He runs down to the street and says to the guy..thank you youve saved my life I lost one arm and felt suicidal, youve lost both and your skipping, whistling and deleariously happy.
The gyy replied Im not happy my fucking arse is itching like mad and I cant scratch it  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
You hear a lot about fakes and gold diggers...I had a lucky escape last year..
Was seeing this lady and got to the 'lets have fun' date...
As she was in the bathroom, I snuck a look in her bedroom furniture and found a nurses outfit, a policewomans outfit and a French maids outfit...
I thought, huh, if she can't hold down one steady job, she's not my type!
Made an excuse and left....lucky escape I reckon! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *urvywelshCouple
over a year ago
Everywhere and nowhere baby |
Meeting my next door neighbour yesterday, he introduced himself saying,
"Hi, my name's Fucking Dave Bastard Twatting Smith."
"Blimey, you got Tourette's?" I asked.
"No", he replied. "The vicar who christened me did."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *urvywelshCouple
over a year ago
Everywhere and nowhere baby |
I looked out of the window today and there was a dog sat on a chair behind a desk, using a laptop computer.
I shouted to my wife, "Next door's dog is doing it's fucking business on our lawn again!
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A burglar broke into a young couples home and tied both of them up face down on the bed......he lay beside the wife and began whispering in her ear and then went into the bathroom.
While alone the husband said to his wife. Let him have his way love and we will live. Be strong and remember i love you.
She said youve got it wrong. He whispered in my ear hes gay and he thinks your cute and asked where we kept the vaseline....... Be strong my love i love you too |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
two flies playing football in a saucer, one fly says to the other, "you'd better play better than this next week"
"why?",says the second fly
"because, we're in the cup"  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter,
"This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated
in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"...Sticks?" the owner replied. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Man and wife are out shopping together.
Wife sees some shoe's she wants but her husband says NO WAY, They're way to expensive.
"Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes pussy She says,
"I don't fucking think so mate!
If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then you ain't fucking riding it!!!"
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Me and the wife's favourite sexual position is called the "England football team" Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication and we never make it past the first stage.
There's horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet. It's over far too quickly and when it does end I know it'll be at least another four fuckin years before it happens again!!!
 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A group of nuns are exercising in the yard with pushbikes. after a while mother superior comes out saying 'ok girls in we come for prayers now'
'oh no just another 5 minutes please' pleads sister Mary.
'no Mary, get back in now or I'll put the saddle back on!' |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
An elderly couple were watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to the kitchen to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.
"I won't forget," the old man said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.
"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied hubby. A few minutes later, he returned with bacon and eggs.
His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast." |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
One day Mrs Brown confided in her cleaner that she thought her husband was shagging his secretary.
"You're nasty you are" said the cleaner "you're only saying that to make me jealous." |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
As the new gay rights legislation takes effect, the F.A today genuinely issued this statement."If any player declared their homosexuality, we would be right behind them."
You couldn't fuckin make it up could you!
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"i was working in a restaurant and this black woman came in and asked if there was chicken on the menu.
i said 'no, Black Betty, its ham or lamb!"
i like this 1 lol. started singing the song as well lol |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"A group of nuns are exercising in the yard with pushbikes. after a while mother superior comes out saying 'ok girls in we come for prayers now'
'oh no just another 5 minutes please' pleads sister Mary.
'no Mary, get back in now or I'll put the saddle back on!'"
Would that be the same nuns who rode their bikes down a cobbled street and one said to the other 'I've never come this way before'  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I was out with the wife last night,and as we walked past a resturant she said "did you smell that it smelt realy nice" so i thought to myself fuck it i'll treat her for once ,so we walked past again !! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Two Rookie Coppers both Irish on night duty in Manchester...about 2a.m first Copper finds a dead body...second copper says "You found it.you have to write the report not me"..."Suppose so!..How do you spell Piccadilly then?
"Er!!!...... P.I.K.U.R.D....oh fuck it..lets drag him into Tib Street" |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A group of nuns are exercising in the yard with pushbikes. after a while mother superior comes out saying 'ok girls in we come for prayers now'
'oh no just another 5 minutes please' pleads sister Mary.
'no Mary, get back in now or I'll put the saddle back on!'
Would that be the same nuns who rode their bikes down a cobbled street and one said to the other 'I've never come this way before' "
Must the same two nuns sharing a bath, the nun says "where's the soap",......"yes it does, doesn't it!!" replied the other.....
(Where, wear) |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
There was a couple who were married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset, and screams, "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"An apprentice mortician is asked to clean down a beautiful women who has just passed away. After a while the apprentice returns to the office an says "excuse me but I have a small problem" the mortician takes the boy
aside and ask him what the problem is . "Well he says I began to clean her down like you asked but when I got to the lower half there appears to be a welk stuck between her legs".the mortician starts to laugh but after a while he remembers his place and does not want to offended the boy anymore "well lad what you saw was the women's clitoras as a women gets older and after children they can pop out a bit so don't worry about it and carry on with what your doing." the mortician walks of laughing to himself and the boy returns to his job and mutters to himself "well it tasted like a welk anyway!""
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
