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what would you do?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Posting on behalf on a friend.
Some of you may remember me askjng of how I could warn my friend about getting preg a few months ago? Well she did get preg, im away today with her to the 12week scan.
The dad to her unborn baby has been no help in the pregnancy, hes been stressing her out and they argue like I dont know what so she called it a day until the babies born so he has a chance to show her that he's willing to get a job and prove his worth cause she aint having a layabout for a bf/partner. Now she had to call the cops to get him removed from her house cause he refused to go and he went after putting up a fight, she has given him until the 20week scan to show hes trying for a job etc as he seems to spend all his time out on the lash/smoking drugs. Yes sadly shes not going to terminate the child cause shes not willing to go through that. Shes told him to stay away for obv reasons and he is continuing to text/call and harrass her reducing her to tears which her 8month old will be feeling.What would other ladies do in her shoes? Is she being harsh not letting him come today? Or is she in the right?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Posting on behalf on a friend.
Some of you may remember me askjng of how I could warn my friend about getting preg a few months ago? Well she did get preg, im away today with her to the 12week scan.
The dad to her unborn baby has been no help in the pregnancy, hes been stressing her out and they argue like I dont know what so she called it a day until the babies born so he has a chance to show her that he's willing to get a job and prove his worth cause she aint having a layabout for a bf/partner. Now she had to call the cops to get him removed from her house cause he refused to go and he went after putting up a fight, she has given him until the 20week scan to show hes trying for a job etc as he seems to spend all his time out on the lash/smoking drugs. Yes sadly shes not going to terminate the child cause shes not willing to go through that. Shes told him to stay away for obv reasons and he is continuing to text/call and harrass her reducing her to tears which her 8month old will be feeling.What would other ladies do in her shoes? Is she being harsh not letting him come today? Or is she in the right? "
Completely in the right - she doesn't need to be looking after 2 kids!
Can't beat great friends x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Was she using contraceptives? I mean, she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink. I'm not passing blame to anyone, I just don't get why people have kids with unsuitable partners then tell them they cant see the kids because there unsuitable |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Its an abusive relationship, that provides no love, and the only way they communicate or afford attention is via conflict.
A child shouldn't be brought up in that environment. It needs love, care, education and hope.
Remove him from her life, if he genuinely wants a part of it he will evidence his desire by actions not words. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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She loves him but she warned him if he continued to make arguements with her she'd break up with him, I babysit her 8month old so she can go out and work cause hes so unreliable the one week I was on holiday he turned up 3hours late, d*unk and full of shit, personally I wouldnt have given him the time of day but they say love is blind and stupid! Iv said to her about getting a restrainibg order on hjm cause hes the type of guy that if he cant have her no one can. No her names not beryl, she verywell may be deranged! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Was she using contraceptives? I mean, she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink. I'm not passing blame to anyone, I just don't get why people have kids with unsuitable partners then tell them they cant see the kids because there unsuitable"
I had a massive go at her when I found out but its her own life and shes not a sahm, she thought it would take longer to get pregnant as it took her 4years the first time to get pregnant. She hopes not letting him come to the scan will kick him up the arse to get a job and sort himself out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Was she using contraceptives? I mean, she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink. I'm not passing blame to anyone, I just don't get why people have kids with unsuitable partners then tell them they cant see the kids because there unsuitable"
Much as I feel sorry for her I do agree with you there. The poor baby isn't born yet and the parents are in dispute  I hope it can be sorted and the child can have a happy upbringing! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Was she using contraceptives? I mean, she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink. I'm not passing blame to anyone, I just don't get why people have kids with unsuitable partners then tell them they cant see the kids because there unsuitable
I had a massive go at her when I found out but its her own life and shes not a sahm, she thought it would take longer to get pregnant as it took her 4years the first time to get pregnant. She hopes not letting him come to the scan will kick him up the arse to get a job and sort himself out "
Sorry, I know its your friend, but sounds like she also needs a kick up the arse. She made the conscience decision to not use protection because "it took 4 years last time" and now she doesn't want him near till he's changed? If you don't want a man like that to father your child then don't have unprotected sex with him
I get this sounds bias so I will say that guy does sound like a royal knob jacket and needs to get him self sorted |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink. "
Why do some mainly young women think that pregnancy will change a man? especially as there is already a child in the relationship which he obviously didn't change for! best thing you can do for your friend is contact the adoption agency for info. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Was she using contraceptives? I mean, she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink. I'm not passing blame to anyone, I just don't get why people have kids with unsuitable partners then tell them they cant see the kids because there unsuitable
I had a massive go at her when I found out but its her own life and shes not a sahm, she thought it would take longer to get pregnant as it took her 4years the first time to get pregnant. She hopes not letting him come to the scan will kick him up the arse to get a job and sort himself out
Sorry, I know its your friend, but sounds like she also needs a kick up the arse. She made the conscience decision to not use protection because "it took 4 years last time" and now she doesn't want him near till he's changed? If you don't want a man like that to father your child then don't have unprotected sex with him
I get this sounds bias so I will say that guy does sound like a royal knob jacket and needs to get him self sorted"
Thats why I posted it here cause inknew id get a good mixed response, I completely agree with you and so does she, when she found out she said if she could turn back time she would have used but its done now and shes regretted it since finding out. Sadly he is a huge knobend and already has a kid from a previous relationship he doesnt see for apparent reasons which I can see as beig true! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink.
Why do some mainly young women think that pregnancy will change a man? especially as there is already a child in the relationship which he obviously didn't change for! best thing you can do for your friend is contact the adoption agency for info. "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink.
Why do some mainly young women think that pregnancy will change a man? especially as there is already a child in the relationship which he obviously didn't change for! best thing you can do for your friend is contact the adoption
agency for info. "
The first child isnt his, this was from her first relationship, and shes not as young as me shes 26. |
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By *ub bbwWoman
over a year ago
oldbury |
she is already struggling to provide for the child she has and has to work to do so therefore what is she going to do when she has to give up work with this pregnancy? i think she is being very selfish actually and should have terminated this pregnancy or not had unprotected sex with him in the first place. She needs to find her self respect and kick him to the kerb he has no respect for her or the child he already has so he wont change with the next a very close of mine has just gone through the same thing but has 2 kids by her now ex she was still sleeping with him and got pregnant yet again but thankfully terminated no3 and now realises it was for the best. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink.
Why do some mainly young women think that pregnancy will change a man? especially as there is already a child in the relationship which he obviously didn't change for! best thing you can do for your friend is contact the adoption agency for info. "
That is spiteful! Although I think that she was stupid and selfish in planning to get pregnant by such a waste of space and now she is moaning that the waste of space is still a waster, to suggest she gives her child up for adoption is awful! If she can manage to give her kids a happy and stable upbringing without the father on the scene then good on her. Personally, I wouldn't have chosen such an idiot for a father but I'm a single mom who was married and abandoned by my ex husband at 3 months pregnant. Should I have contacted the adoption agency too just because he was a bastard? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The first child isnt his, this was from her first relationship, and shes not as young as me shes 26. "
A child in the house, is a child in the relationship. IF a man wants to be with a single mother then he has a responsibility to the family, doesn't matter that the first child had a different biology it is still an innocent in the family structure. |
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Unfortunately its a story you hear every day and the saddest bit is that it generally plays out the same way every time until years down the line someone has a eureka moment - then spends the next 10 years counselling the broken child.
An idle layabout is one thing, for some reason the current generation seems to have encouraged this approach to life - but the drug taking was surely a red flag? If he isn't willing to get rid of those, regardless of getting a job, a future and a personality change - he'll never make a real Dad for this child.
Children raised by single parents in a stable environment are usually no less happy or stable than those raised by both parents. Children raised in angry, snappy, point scoring relationships constantly awaiting the falling apart of the world around them are rarely happy, stable or secure.
As a pregnant woman - she no longer has herself to think about first, baby takes precedence, and hopefully will become the number one priority in every aspect of her life. If she wants this baby - as a baby, as a life to nurture and support, as a soul to protect and keep secure until the end of time - she will know already what she needs to do, regardless of what she wants.
Maybe remind her that keeping the wrong people in a child's life is so much more damaging than reducing the number of potentially good people they're stuck with.
Good luck to her, and mostly, to this child for the future, I hope it all turns out for the best for all involved!
Marcus |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Was she using contraceptives? I mean, she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink. I'm not passing blame to anyone, I just don't get why people have kids with unsuitable partners then tell them they cant see the kids because there unsuitable
I had a massive go at her when I found out but its her own life and shes not a sahm, she thought it would take longer to get pregnant as it took her 4years the first time to get pregnant. She hopes not letting him come to the scan will kick him up the arse to get a job and sort himself out
Sorry, I know its your friend, but sounds like she also needs a kick up the arse. She made the conscience decision to not use protection because "it took 4 years last time" and now she doesn't want him near till he's changed? If you don't want a man like that to father your child then don't have unprotected sex with him
I get this sounds bias so I will say that guy does sound like a royal knob jacket and needs to get him self sorted
Thats why I posted it here cause inknew id get a good mixed response, I completely agree with you and so does she, when she found out she said if she could turn back time she would have used but its done now and shes regretted it since finding out. Sadly he is a huge knobend and already has a kid from a previous relationship he doesnt see for apparent reasons which I can see as beig true! "
Think she should have been kicking him out the house rather than fetching him to bed. But like you said, its 2 late now suppose looking back never helped anyone. Even though it does sound like history repeating its self with her, but then again I don't know what happened with the father of her last child |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Should I have contacted the adoption agency too just because he was a bastard?"
No the circumstances were different, I was a single parent family OK as a father not a mother, so am not against the concept, But she allowed a d*unken drug using feckless man to move in with her and her child, then allowed him to get her pregnant, sorry but good judgement is not shown in this case (from the small glimpse we have to work with) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink.
Why do some mainly young women think that pregnancy will change a man? especially as there is already a child in the relationship which he obviously didn't change for! best thing you can do for your friend is contact the adoption agency for info. "
You can't help who you fall in love with, and know matter what people tell you, you always think you know best |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"she is already struggling to provide for the child she has and has to work to do so therefore what is she going to do when she has to give up work with this pregnancy? i think she is being very selfish actually and should have terminated this pregnancy or not had unprotected sex with him in the first place. She needs to find her self respect and kick him to the kerb he has no respect for her or the child he already has so he wont change with the next a very close of mine has just gone through the same thing but has 2 kids by her now ex she was still sleeping with him and got pregnant yet again but thankfully terminated no3 and now realises it was for the best."
Sorry, I could have read this wrong, but are you saying she's struggling with money to provide the child she has and that's why she's working? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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He doesnt live with her, he visits ALOT and she doesnt struggle to provide for her current child. She works to show her child that its better to work. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He doesnt live with her, he visits ALOT and she doesnt struggle to provide for her current child. She works to show her child that its better to work. "
May be a lot harder to work once this baby is born |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He doesnt live with her, he visits ALOT and she doesnt struggle to provide for her current child. She works to show her child that its better to work. "
It's always better to work. I could never slag a working mother. Someone sat on there arse watching Jeremy Kyle spitting kids out on the other hand... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He doesnt live with her, he visits ALOT and she doesnt struggle to provide for her current child. She works to show her child that its better to work.
It's always better to work. I could never slag a working mother. Someone sat on there arse watching Jeremy Kyle spitting kids out on the other hand..."
Working mothers deserve all the credit they can get, |
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It's interesting how the discussion went from a simple what would you do to an almost internet edition of Jeremy Kyle
And as a simple answer to a simple question. What would I do?
Well I would remove him from my life, from my child's life until such a time as I thought his negative behaviour will NOT negatively influence my children.
There is talk of love, and people do fall in love with the weirdest people, until they realise it was actually the need to fix, or the need for a thrill, or to live dangerously and 9 months down the line when the relationship has soured, life is over complicated and the future is something we struggle to face up to... then we realise we never loved them in the first place.
But the operative word is children. You could never love another human as you love your child, and therefore that would be an easy decision to make.
But then I have 2 questions for you OP...
1. What would you do? After reading the comments, gaining outside perspectives?
It's so easy to defensive of this person 's choices and actions - but you are potentially too close to see the wood for the trees, whereas we are far enough way that even the woods are a distant speck on a landscape which bears no influence or significance in our own worlds...
But is any of the perspective offered actually helpful in anyway, or are we sending you in to a confused spiral that won't let you help your friend.
2. Why would you ask a question which requires so much deeper understanding in a lifestyle forum where the the occupants are here for good times, fun, banter and giggles and expect an life fixing reply ?? Is there more to the story that we don't know, something we're supposed to get a hint at? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Restraining order or a visit from some shady men in the early hours would do the trick.
Like someone's already said, if she knew what he was like and got pregnant by him, then it's her own stupid fault she's in this situation |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's interesting how the discussion went from a simple what would you do to an almost internet edition of Jeremy Kyle
And as a simple answer to a simple question. What would I do?
Well I would remove him from my life, from my child's life until such a time as I thought his negative behaviour will NOT negatively influence my children.
There is talk of love, and people do fall in love with the weirdest people, until they realise it was actually the need to fix, or the need for a thrill, or to live dangerously and 9 months down the line when the relationship has soured, life is over complicated and the future is something we struggle to face up to... then we realise we never loved them in the first place.
But the operative word is children. You could never love another human as you love your child, and therefore that would be an easy decision to make.
But then I have 2 questions for you OP...
1. What would you do? After reading the comments, gaining outside perspectives?
It's so easy to defensive of this person 's choices and actions - but you are potentially too close to see the wood for the trees, whereas we are far enough way that even the woods are a distant speck on a landscape which bears no influence or significance in our own worlds...
But is any of the perspective offered actually helpful in anyway, or are we sending you in to a confused spiral that won't let you help your friend.
2. Why would you ask a question which requires so much deeper understanding in a lifestyle forum where the the occupants are here for good times, fun, banter and giggles and expect an life fixing reply ?? Is there more to the story that we don't know, something we're supposed to get a hint at?"
Quite right as they say there is 3 sides to every story, hers, his and the Truth |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Personally had I gpt pregnant to the skeeze bag is abort it purely cauee I couldnt raise a baby knowing 1, their his, and 2, I dont want another baby until my sons 4 but then I 'have my head screwed on and know what I want and how to get it' not my words. I wasnt looking for the answer I was lookibg for peoples opinion on what they'd do in her circumstances, I know and she knows the best thing would be and get rid of him and the baby but she wont do that and we will both make sure her kids have a happy upbringing - I may seem like im sticking my nose in but I see her kid as one of mine and want the best for her/them. For those saying adopt thats not an option. She is a fantastic mum thats made a mistake and shes certainly paying for it but like iv said I was looking for opinions of what others in her place would do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Was she using contraceptives? I mean, she knew this guy was lazy into drugs and drink, then got pregnant with his child, then tells him she doesn't want anything to do with him because he's lazy and into drugs and drink. I'm not passing blame to anyone, I just don't get why people have kids with unsuitable partners then tell them they cant see the kids because there unsuitable
I had a massive go at her when I found out but its her own life and shes not a sahm, she thought it would take longer to get pregnant as it took her 4years the first time to get pregnant. She hopes not letting him come to the scan will kick him up the arse to get a job and sort himself out "
She's better off without him but although you're doing the honorable thing in supporting your friend I wouldn't expect much to come out of it.
Clearly she isn't very intelligent if she is willing to have a baby with such a loser and expose her other child to fights and abusive behavior.
I feel really sorry for the kids, they'll grow up without much of a role model at home.
Hopefully she'll be able to turn her life around, stop having kids with idiots, get a job, be self sufficient and provide her kids with a loving safe environment where they'll get a good education and not repeat the same mistakes their mum made.
Here's hoping... |
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'What would you do?'
Ok for a start off I would seriously bollock myself for being such an irresponsible twat.
Then I would take a long hard look at my life and try and work out the best route I could take for the well being of my children.
From bitter experience I would know that no influence at all is far better than a constant negative influence. So I would look to move a long long long way away from any negative influence on my children.
Then I would make damn sure I learn the lessons life has taught me and try my damndest to bring my children up to know better than I did. So that the cycle is not simply repeated.
I to do not understand these women that allow twats into their lives and then wonder why once they are pregnant the blokes are still being twats?!?
It's not rocket science!
Also, she can give him all the chances she wants, all he is going to do is cause her and her children major issues and upset. That comment is not really fair to him and everyone deserves their chance. But I'd bet everything I have that, that is exactly what will happen.
Can you tell I'm on nights?
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