FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > the right length of time 'mourning'?
the right length of time 'mourning'?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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a very close friend passed away 8 months ago, and I've just heard her widow married again this week. I think it's WAY too soon to be in another relationship, let alone get married. What do you think is a reasonable time to think about dating again? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If that person is ready then why not. Who's business is it anyway on how long someone grieve's for? Unless you're in the position yourself you shouldn't comment IMHO. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think its personal to the person that has lost a loved one and nothing really to do with anyone else,there is no correct length of time,maybe hes lucky enough to have a second chance of happiness and knows life is far too short so wants to grab it with both hands |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How long is a piece of string.. as everyone is different.
For instance my great grandma lost her husband when she was 67, lived to be 104 and never had anyone else.
Her sister remarried less than a year after losing her husband.
I believe that time helps but it's love that heals. X |
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no one else's business.
People who have had very good relationships with partners who have died often move through the stages of grief much more quickly because there are no loose ends, no regrets nothing left undone or unsaid. |
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"a very close friend passed away 8 months ago, and I've just heard her widow married again this week. I think it's WAY too soon to be in another relationship, let alone get married. What do you think is a reasonable time to think about dating again? "
That's a how long is a piece of string style question as it will depend on the person.
I wouldn't be looking for a new partner for at least a year but if someone started as a friend and it felt right I guess that could be a flexible figure to some degree  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"a very close friend passed away 8 months ago, and I've just heard her widow married again this week. I think it's WAY too soon to be in another relationship, let alone get married. What do you think is a reasonable time to think about dating again? "
Well, what do YOU think is a 'reasonable' amount of time? Surely its up to each individual whether they feel ready or not! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"a very close friend passed away 8 months ago, and I've just heard her widow married again this week. I think it's WAY too soon to be in another relationship, let alone get married. What do you think is a reasonable time to think about dating again? "
I'd be glad they were finding happiness?
Out of interest why did you put mourn in inverted commas in the subject header?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it depends on the person, some grieve for a very long time others find a way that helps them cope. After all he may have told her to be happy and go for what she wants out of life.
I bet she still has Photos etc of him around and memories are very precious that are never forgotten.....  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I didn't mean to get anyone's back up - I'm just interested to see what views people have on the subject. I know MANY years ago there was a 'mourning' period, and was interested to see what people thought would be 'proper' time (if there is such a thing) Apologies if I caused offence...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To be blunt I do question your motives. You seem to feel that he doesn't have a right to future happiness but conversely having described her as a good friend you presumably haven't been their to support him if you've only heard about the wedding after it happened. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When my dad was dying a very good friend (I call her my auntie of choice) told me that she thought that people who had been in a loving, happy relationship were more likely to be the ones who moved on quickly.
I have openly said on the forums that I have found it very difficult that she has moved on so quickly. But my mum has a companion and a lover and is happy. She still grieves the loss of my dad. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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everyone grieves differently, if they're not hurting anyone and are happy, what's the issue? If I died and left a partner behind, I'd hope they would move on and find love and happiness again! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I got together with my husband 3 months after he lost his wife, he didn't go out looking for anyone it just happened. they both told each other that if anything happened to either one of them that they were to get on with their lives . But it doesn't mean he has forgotten her in anyway , or that he doesn't morn her they were married for 20 odd years had 2 children and she will always be a part of his life .what gives anyone the right to judge its no ones business exept the people it involves .we have been happily married for 3 years now and not once did we come across anyone negative. I was welcomed into his life by his children and that was all that mattered  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I'm not saying that he doesn't have a right to be happy. I was saying that PERSONALLY i feel it would be too soon for me to move on if I had lost my partner and wanted to know if others had an opinion on it. I did support him, but he made it clear that he didn't want or need it.
My dad died a few years ago and my mum started dating about 2 years afterwards. I'm happy she did, as she is now remarried and really happy. I wouldn't expect her not to have another relationship as I know she still loves my dad. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think some of it may depend on the circumstances behind loosing a loved one. If it was a sudden death then it may take longer to move on. If it was a terminal illness then people tend to start the grieving process at the news of it being terminal.
Also with things like dementia which my nan had for 7 years, I had lost my nan long before she passed away.
Although I have to say personally I find 8 months very quick to meet and marry someone in any circustance. But each to their own. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I lost my soulmate, my lover and my best friend over five years ago now, was a total shock as he laid in my arms dying took me two years to even want to talk to another guy let alone go on dates or swing... We are all different and it wouldn't do for us to be the same. As -long as they are happy who are we to put a time on mourning. One thing I did learn that day was life's too short and enjoy every second say what you really want to say and grab every second of happiness you can. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I didn't mean to get anyone's back up - I'm just interested to see what views people have on the subject. I know MANY years ago there was a 'mourning' period, and was interested to see what people thought would be 'proper' time (if there is such a thing) Apologies if I caused offence... "
You haven't caused any offence....
It's a good question, which will attract different opinion.... 
Personally, if they are happy then all is good...
Life is too shirt to waste any of it....  |
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If there is some hot chick at the funeral maybe that is the right time to move on.
I've made a study of funerals and they are great pick up joints. From the 'sympathy fuck' to the 'taking advantage of confused emotional state' there is so much for the sexual predator.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe your friend found it hard to be alone ....... and jumped at the chance of being happy again . You can never replace a loved one you lost but you have to live your life the best way you can. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If any thing happened to either of us we have an understanding it would be 3 years before we looked at any one else.. she says she would never live with any one else ever again . For me if any thing happened to my wife then I'd never look , sleep or love any one else xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is no set time, when you know its time to look again you know, its no one elses business but theres and tbh when i see people putting set times for each other if it happened i find that so so weird.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If any thing happened to either of us we have an understanding it would be 3 years before we looked at any one else.. she says she would never live with any one else ever again . For me if any thing happened to my wife then I'd never look , sleep or love any one else xx"
Each to their own but such an agreement seems unnecessarily cruel to me. Not only are you saying you must each maintain a damaging mindset (remember grief can and does cause mental as well as physical ill health) but on top of that if either of you were to find happiness with someone else you have agreed to add guilt, sef loathing and doubt on top.
Her ladyship says I'm never allowed to be happy again but I know she doesn't mean it. I've told her I absolutely don't care what she does. She can jump into bed the next day if it helps her cope. I don't own her emotions or life and once I'm dead nothing whatsoever that anyone does will have any effect on me at all. All I care about is that she does whatever is best for her.
Having said the above, you've resurrected two very old threads on mourning now, I'd everything OK?
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There isn't a right or wrong time. If I passed, the only thing I care about is that my hubby finds happiness again. Sooner the better for me actually as the thought of him being alone breaks my heart. They aren't replacing you, they are just starting a new chapter. They will never forget your part in their story  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it is entirely up to the person who is grieving. There isn't a set time and hits in different stages for different people. That being said, the person in question in the OP may very well be vulnerable, but support and understanding would do far better than judgment and ridicule |
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I was married for 25 years. My husband died when I was 46. Despite having sex with random strangers on here I still love and miss him. I could never live with anyone again but I know people who can't manage living alone without a partner. We are all different. |
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Having seen how lonely my dad is after my mum died in March (they'd been together 70 years, married for 67) I would say that it's what's right for the individual not what other people think. Why on earth should his last years be spent alone due to some prescribed period of mourning if there was a chance that he could share companionship with someone? We have talked about it, he's not ready for a new relationship but I can see that it's something he'd consider. Maybe at 95 he realises he doesn't have much time.
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"I think if the surviving partner had a replacement within a month then the relationship wasn't on a firm footing in the first place
Frank
You don't replace."
I was being flippant. I know if you truly loved your partner you could never replace them. However, not every partner who passes was loved, or even liked, by the survivor.
Frank |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Having seen how lonely my dad is after my mum died in March (they'd been together 70 years, married for 67) I would say that it's what's right for the individual not what other people think. Why on earth should his last years be spent alone due to some prescribed period of mourning if there was a chance that he could share companionship with someone? We have talked about it, he's not ready for a new relationship but I can see that it's something he'd consider. Maybe at 95 he realises he doesn't have much time.
"
Sorry for your loss
Id want my partner to live their life to the fullest, be happy, meet someone new.. id be looking down smiling id hate to see her lonely and unhappy |
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"Having seen how lonely my dad is after my mum died in March (they'd been together 70 years, married for 67) I would say that it's what's right for the individual not what other people think. Why on earth should his last years be spent alone due to some prescribed period of mourning if there was a chance that he could share companionship with someone? We have talked about it, he's not ready for a new relationship but I can see that it's something he'd consider. Maybe at 95 he realises he doesn't have much time.
Sorry for your loss
Id want my partner to live their life to the fullest, be happy, meet someone new.. id be looking down smiling id hate to see her lonely and unhappy "
thank you
I feel the same way you do. It's a trite and overused phrase but life is for the living. |
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Weird ole game ain't it.
When it's a break up (where you still grieve - fact) the advice given is "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else"  (hate that) yet when it's loss through death the "rules" are different.
How about there are no rules other than self care, and the survivor does what they can to make it through each day.
Obviously we need to look out for people so they don't get mugged off by scammers as the likelihood is they're pretty vulnerable emotionally.
As for time frame, whatever makes them happy and helps ease the pain if that's what they need, or if they want to be alone then so be it.
As long as any concern we have for them is over their wellbeing and not out of judgement all is OK. |
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"Weird ole game ain't it.
When it's a break up (where you still grieve - fact) the advice given is "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" (hate that) yet when it's loss through death the "rules" are different.
How about there are no rules other than self care, and the survivor does what they can to make it through each day.
Obviously we need to look out for people so they don't get mugged off by scammers as the likelihood is they're pretty vulnerable emotionally.
As for time frame, whatever makes them happy and helps ease the pain if that's what they need, or if they want to be alone then so be it.
As long as any concern we have for them is over their wellbeing and not out of judgement all is OK."
Everything she said with brass knobs and bells on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Grief has no time limits. Life is short with no idea what’s round the corner. If a second chance of happiness can be achieved then why not? Never judge someone In their actions after loosing a partner. Perhaps try and be more supportive towards your friend, instead of putting a post on here!
FYI I lost my gran and dad in 3months of east other last year. I know first hand how complicated it is to loose people before their time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" For me if any thing happened to my wife then I'd never look , sleep or love any one else xx
You are only 38. If she died tomorrow that's a lot of years of celebacy ahead of you"
We're not actually 38 tbh .. just a tad older . I can honestly say I'd never marry .. live with any one again .. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Until September last year I was in a relationship with a widow of 8 years. Even after 8 years she wasn't ready for a relationship, I guess everyone is different |
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" For me if any thing happened to my wife then I'd never look , sleep or love any one else xx
I can honestly say I'd never marry .. live with any one again .. "
I will never marry or live with anyone again but that is different to kissing someone or having sex. You said you would never look at or sleep with another woman |
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I was widowed age 30.
No one has the right to judge another for how they choose to grieve, carry on, survive, and live their life.
You don’t know how the hell you would react until you’re in that situation.
I know how fleeting life can be and if you find love again - no matter how much time has passed, you bloody grab onto it.
I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone, but wish my perspective on the world.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was widowed age 30.
No one has the right to judge another for how they choose to grieve, carry on, survive, and live their life.
You don’t know how the hell you would react until you’re in that situation.
I know how fleeting life can be and if you find love again - no matter how much time has passed, you bloody grab onto it.
I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone, but wish my perspective on the world.
"
I can certainly relate to your post
My mother like yourself was left a widow at a young age with three children to raise.
Those were very dark days watching my Mother grieve as a child. Incredibly, on a night out with friends my Mother bumped into my one of my father's best friends who told her my father would have been ashamed to see her out enjoying herself? She was still single and trying to get on with her life.
She didn't leave my father, he died. Some people are so insensitive
She eventually met a wonderful man who was like a father to me and my brothers even though we were all young adults by then.
Life is short, even in its longest days.
You're are so right, the best moments in our lives are only 'fleeting' but they 'enrich' our lives
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"I was widowed age 30.
No one has the right to judge another for how they choose to grieve, carry on, survive, and live their life.
You don’t know how the hell you would react until you’re in that situation.
I know how fleeting life can be and if you find love again - no matter how much time has passed, you bloody grab onto it.
I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone, but wish my perspective on the world.
I can certainly relate to your post
My mother like yourself was left a widow at a young age with three children to raise.
Those were very dark days watching my Mother grieve as a child. Incredibly, on a night out with friends my Mother bumped into my one of my father's best friends who told her my father would have been ashamed to see her out enjoying herself? She was still single and trying to get on with her life.
She didn't leave my father, he died. Some people are so insensitive
She eventually met a wonderful man who was like a father to me and my brothers even though we were all young adults by then.
Life is short, even in its longest days.
You're are so right, the best moments in our lives are only 'fleeting' but they 'enrich' our lives
"
Your poor mum - how dare he say that? I can empathise with it.
I went on a night out and being a bit tipsy started chatting to a woman and telling her about my husband.
Because I was out having fun, she told me ‘you obviously didn’t love him very much then’
Why people judge others on mourning I’ll never know. We don’t close the curtains for months and wear black non stop.
There were days I couldn’t get out of bed. Then when I managed it and went out for a family birthday, that’s what I was told. |
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"I was widowed age 30.
No one has the right to judge another for how they choose to grieve, carry on, survive, and live their life.
You don’t know how the hell you would react until you’re in that situation.
I know how fleeting life can be and if you find love again - no matter how much time has passed, you bloody grab onto it.
I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone, but wish my perspective on the world.
I can certainly relate to your post
My mother like yourself was left a widow at a young age with three children to raise.
Those were very dark days watching my Mother grieve as a child. Incredibly, on a night out with friends my Mother bumped into my one of my father's best friends who told her my father would have been ashamed to see her out enjoying herself? She was still single and trying to get on with her life.
She didn't leave my father, he died. Some people are so insensitive
She eventually met a wonderful man who was like a father to me and my brothers even though we were all young adults by then.
Life is short, even in its longest days.
You're are so right, the best moments in our lives are only 'fleeting' but they 'enrich' our lives
Your poor mum - how dare he say that? I can empathise with it.
I went on a night out and being a bit tipsy started chatting to a woman and telling her about my husband.
Because I was out having fun, she told me ‘you obviously didn’t love him very much then’
Why people judge others on mourning I’ll never know. We don’t close the curtains for months and wear black non stop.
There were days I couldn’t get out of bed. Then when I managed it and went out for a family birthday, that’s what I was told. "
What dreadful and shocking comments. People want you to mourn in a certain way, the way they imagine they would probably. I had to keep away from some of my friends after my mum died because I wasn't grieving 'properly' according to them and I felt I either needed to explain or pretend. Friends are supposed to support you at times like that, not put pressure on to behave a certain way |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was widowed age 30.
No one has the right to judge another for how they choose to grieve, carry on, survive, and live their life.
You don’t know how the hell you would react until you’re in that situation.
I know how fleeting life can be and if you find love again - no matter how much time has passed, you bloody grab onto it.
I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone, but wish my perspective on the world.
I can certainly relate to your post
My mother like yourself was left a widow at a young age with three children to raise.
Those were very dark days watching my Mother grieve as a child. Incredibly, on a night out with friends my Mother bumped into my one of my father's best friends who told her my father would have been ashamed to see her out enjoying herself? She was still single and trying to get on with her life.
She didn't leave my father, he died. Some people are so insensitive
She eventually met a wonderful man who was like a father to me and my brothers even though we were all young adults by then.
Life is short, even in its longest days.
You're are so right, the best moments in our lives are only 'fleeting' but they 'enrich' our lives
Your poor mum - how dare he say that? I can empathise with it.
I went on a night out and being a bit tipsy started chatting to a woman and telling her about my husband.
Because I was out having fun, she told me ‘you obviously didn’t love him very much then’
Why people judge others on mourning I’ll never know. We don’t close the curtains for months and wear black non stop.
There were days I couldn’t get out of bed. Then when I managed it and went out for a family birthday, that’s what I was told. "
We have to move forward with our lives and make new memories.
It's not healthy to live in the past.
Shame on that woman for upsetting you, for having the courage to participate in a life. A life without your partner - rock - soul mate. I'm so sorry.
People can be so thoughtless, or maybe they're just mean.
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By *lynJMan
over a year ago
Morden |
"I was widowed age 30.
No one has the right to judge another for how they choose to grieve, carry on, survive, and live their life.
You don’t know how the hell you would react until you’re in that situation.
I know how fleeting life can be and if you find love again - no matter how much time has passed, you bloody grab onto it.
I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone, but wish my perspective on the world.
I can certainly relate to your post
My mother like yourself was left a widow at a young age with three children to raise.
Those were very dark days watching my Mother grieve as a child. Incredibly, on a night out with friends my Mother bumped into my one of my father's best friends who told her my father would have been ashamed to see her out enjoying herself? She was still single and trying to get on with her life.
She didn't leave my father, he died. Some people are so insensitive
She eventually met a wonderful man who was like a father to me and my brothers even though we were all young adults by then.
Life is short, even in its longest days.
You're are so right, the best moments in our lives are only 'fleeting' but they 'enrich' our lives
Your poor mum - how dare he say that? I can empathise with it.
I went on a night out and being a bit tipsy started chatting to a woman and telling her about my husband.
Because I was out having fun, she told me ‘you obviously didn’t love him very much then’
Why people judge others on mourning I’ll never know. We don’t close the curtains for months and wear black non stop.
There were days I couldn’t get out of bed. Then when I managed it and went out for a family birthday, that’s what I was told.
We have to move forward with our lives and make new memories.
It's not healthy to live in the past.
Shame on that woman for upsetting you, for having the courage to participate in a life. A life without your partner - rock - soul mate. I'm so sorry.
People can be so thoughtless, or maybe they're just mean.
"
I think what they don't understand is that not being around other people is untenable. I recently lost my partner of 18 years and the only way I can function is to distract myself from the soul rending grief I feel. If that means going out and talking to others, or talking nonsense on the forums, so be it. Beneath that, though the thoughts of her bubble away. I'm currently at the pub where we would watch the world go past as we used to before COVID. Does that mean I didn't love her? No it means I trying to relive time with her.
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"I was widowed age 30.
No one has the right to judge another for how they choose to grieve, carry on, survive, and live their life.
You don’t know how the hell you would react until you’re in that situation.
I know how fleeting life can be and if you find love again - no matter how much time has passed, you bloody grab onto it.
I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone, but wish my perspective on the world.
I can certainly relate to your post
My mother like yourself was left a widow at a young age with three children to raise.
Those were very dark days watching my Mother grieve as a child. Incredibly, on a night out with friends my Mother bumped into my one of my father's best friends who told her my father would have been ashamed to see her out enjoying herself? She was still single and trying to get on with her life.
She didn't leave my father, he died. Some people are so insensitive
She eventually met a wonderful man who was like a father to me and my brothers even though we were all young adults by then.
Life is short, even in its longest days.
You're are so right, the best moments in our lives are only 'fleeting' but they 'enrich' our lives
Your poor mum - how dare he say that? I can empathise with it.
I went on a night out and being a bit tipsy started chatting to a woman and telling her about my husband.
Because I was out having fun, she told me ‘you obviously didn’t love him very much then’
Why people judge others on mourning I’ll never know. We don’t close the curtains for months and wear black non stop.
There were days I couldn’t get out of bed. Then when I managed it and went out for a family birthday, that’s what I was told.
We have to move forward with our lives and make new memories.
It's not healthy to live in the past.
Shame on that woman for upsetting you, for having the courage to participate in a life. A life without your partner - rock - soul mate. I'm so sorry.
People can be so thoughtless, or maybe they're just mean.
I think what they don't understand is that not being around other people is untenable. I recently lost my partner of 18 years and the only way I can function is to distract myself from the soul rending grief I feel. If that means going out and talking to others, or talking nonsense on the forums, so be it. Beneath that, though the thoughts of her bubble away. I'm currently at the pub where we would watch the world go past as we used to before COVID. Does that mean I didn't love her? No it means I trying to relive time with her.
"
So sorry for your loss. I hope you get some comfort from your happy memories
My dad goes out a lot. Two days after my mum died one of her friends visited and said to him to accept every invitation that he was offered even if he didn't feel like it. He's out at least three times a week. Anybody who imagines that this means he's forgotten his wife of 67 years, didn't love her or that their relationship was dead really has no empathy and very little understanding. |
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Similar to Mrs Nicecouple's example, my Grandad's reaction to being a widower was to go out as much as possible. He joined various clubs, resumed his music recitals and went out to lunch about 3-4 times a week with different friends (various genders). He certainly did not forget his wife of over 60 years. But sitting at home feeling sorry for himself certainly was not healthy for him. He outlived my Grandma by nearly 10 years, almost all of which were "good" years for him. I'm glad he had his social life, with his male and female friends. Many of his friends continue to stay in touch with us too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Is there a time limit on mourning?
I think it’s up to the person mourning and really would you prefer that person to move on or be left as a shell upset and depressed for how long? |
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By *JB1954Man
over a year ago
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I am a widower. Being 68 now. Not fun on own as I have no near relations or friends. A friend who is female of late wife and me, actually suggested going onto dating sites. Yes I have done and chatted now to a female for months. If it was not for chatting ,her seeing me sometimes . Not sure how I would be mentally . It is not fun being on own.  |
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