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By *ig badMan
over a year ago
Up North :-) |
An eerie silence settles over the pharmacy as I sidle up to the poor woman stocking the skin care aisle. With fire in my eyes and drink on my breath, I make a vow not to tiptoe around the matter. Such is my fervour. Such is my madness.
"Excuse me. Do you sell anal bleach?"
The wheels in her head are instantly set in motion. Nine times out of ten, when a ragged, unshaven man dressed as if he were within the blast radius of a thrift shop explosion asks for anal bleach, something sinister is afoot. She affixes upon me a gaze struggling to express curiosity, pity, fear, and revulsion all at once. It is her last attempt at eye contact.
"Uhhh... we have skin lighteners, if that's what you mean", she says, directing my gaze to the bottom shelf.
I pick up a box of Esoterica Fade Cream. It lists "full face, neck, chest, arms, hands, shoulders, legs, body, and feet" as areas of use, but not the anus. This will not do. Or will it? A bulb clicks on in the part of my brain responsible for "same meat/different gravy" ass experiments. "Would this work down there?" I ask.
"I wouldn't know," she mutters with the dismissive contempt this question admittedly deserves. Sensing impending litigation, I buy the stuff and scurry home. There is work to be done.
While some "artists" waste time dabbling in oil, stone, and clay, biochemical artisans in the real world have found a truly useful medium in anal bleach. With hyperpigmented asshole epidermis as their canvas, Glycyrrhiza glabra root extract and Peg 100 Stearate SE on their palettes, and their fingers as their brushes, these cornhole cosmeticians have unlocked the mysteries of anus enhancement -- and triggered the most exciting craze in the skin care industry today!
Because, let's face it: there's no shortage of reasons to lighten and rejuvenate your anus. Maybe you're tired of porn directors typecasting you as Cum Guzzler with Leathery, Cadaverous Asshole; perhaps a snickering doctor compared your desiccated deuce cannon to the surface of one of Jupiter's volcanic moons; maybe the passage of time, three kids, and umpteen chili dogs has made the ol' o-ring's odometer roll over; possibly your shitbelcher has fallen prey to the indelible stains of Brown Syndrome after years of shoddy hygiene and/or repeat occurrences of splatulence; or maybe you're just like me and find the idea of experimenting with backdoor bunguents to be right up your proverbial alley.
But as Americans find their anal enhancement budgets stretched ever-tighter in these troubling economic times, a question arises: must we shell out £30 for a tube of anal bleach in our quest for the Anus de Milo? Or can a cheap jar of drugstore fade cream do the trick just as well?
To find out, I decided to apply two brands of greased lightening to my fundament freckle. The left anal hemisphere was treated with a £7, 2.5 ounce jar of Esoterica, a fade cream commonly used to reduce age spots, freckles, and so on. The right, meanwhile, was infused with a £24, two-ounce tube of Vigala, an anal bleach I ordered on the Internet.
A few notes: I have no affiliation with either product. I chose Esoterica because it was there, and Vigala because it was the first kiester Clorox I found under £35.
My attempts to include a female guinea pig in this experiment met with no success, which was hardly a surprise since tact has never been my strongpoint. "Hi, Fem? It's me, Big Bad. Listen, you've always struck me as someone who might suffer from unsightly anal discolouration, and I was wondering if --"……..CLICK !!!!!
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