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Diary of a Snow Shoveller
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" December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the Pavement. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the Pavement and Blocked the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour. December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and pavement. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I didn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Shogun. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all. December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my arse on the ice on the drive putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Suppose I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The dam snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour's kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy sledging. I think they're lying. Called the local B & Q to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the council will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his wagon for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the little shit is lying. December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by the Gritter, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough. December 25 Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the white Shite tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the Fricking snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to shove her in the microwave. December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me £1,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me crazy!!! December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to Clear the roof of Snow or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How stupid does he think I am? December 30 Roof caved in. I smacked the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for millions, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his Ar*e. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted. Hallelluja !! December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling. January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? " PMSL!!!!! nearly wetting myself by the end of this....fabby  | |||
 that diary was like a Catherine Cookson novel  | |||
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" December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the Pavement. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the Pavement and Blocked the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour. December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and pavement. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I didn't huff and puff so. December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Shogun. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all. December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my arse on the ice on the drive putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Suppose I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The dam snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour's kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy sledging. I think they're lying. Called the local B & Q to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the council will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his wagon for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the little shit is lying. December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by the Gritter, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough. December 25 Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the white Shite tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the Fricking snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to shove her in the microwave. December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me £1,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me crazy!!! December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to Clear the roof of Snow or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How stupid does he think I am? December 30 Roof caved in. I smacked the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for millions, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his Ar*e. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted. Hallelluja !! December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling. January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? PMSL!!!!! nearly wetting myself by the end of this....fabby "annoying isn't it  | |||
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Makes falling on my arse on Boxing day about ten times seem trivial now.
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