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Jokes
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"Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"" ROFLMAO | |||
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"My mate Jim Apple struggles to tell anyone in France his name. " | |||
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"An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?' he says. "Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!" The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?" "That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' " "Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?" "Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' " "I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ". "Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience." "Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?" On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him. "Hi" she says. "Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?" Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"" Brilliant  | |||
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"Me and the wife got a 19 year old escort to spice up our sex life. As soon as its MOT'd we're gonna go dogging in it ! "love this | |||
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"My doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often. Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time." My doctor told me I had to stop masturbating immediately. If I didn't she would refuse to examine me. | |||
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"I asked my Welsh boyfriend how many sexual partners he's had. He started counting but fell asleep. " Lol | |||
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"My mate Jim Apple struggles to tell anyone in France his name. " | |||
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"Arsene Wenger has come out and said that the rumoured bid of £40 million plus £1 for Luis Suraz is utter rubbish. The extra £1 was in fact a bid for Stuart Downing. " Sold! | |||
"Arsene Wenger has come out and said that the rumoured bid of £40 million plus £1 for Luis Suraz is utter rubbish. The extra £1 was in fact a bid for Stuart Downing. " | |||
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"I'm trying to sell all my old dogging equipment on eBay. Not had any bids but there's loads of people watching. " | |||
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"Sad news from the Nestle factory, a man was killed today when boxes of chocolate bars fell on him. He called for help but each time he yelled "the milky bars are on me" everybody cheered..." Hahaha love this! | |||
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"Woman reads a shop sign "Husband store: Six floors of man for single women looking! Rules: You can only purchase once and you can't go back to a previous floor. Going back leads directly to exit." The woman, intrigued...and single, decides to have a look. 1st floor: "These men have jobs." Thinking this is not a big deal, the woman goes to the next floor. 2nd floor: "These men have jobs and a great car. Seeing an improvement but not enough, the woman continues. 3rd floor: "These men have jobs, great cars and have great bodies." Impressed, she lingers. Eventually, curiousity see her venture up. 4th floor: "these men have jobs, great cars, great bodies and amazing in bed." The woman is very impressed but feels they're not complete so heads to the next floor. 5th floor: "These men have jobs, great cars, great bodies, amazing in bed and good with children" The woman is speechless at the potential she see before her. She wanders round the floor and looks at what's on offer. Still, not 100% happy, she looks at the entrance to the next floor and goes up 6th floor: Empty. The woman see a sign in the middle of the room and reads: "Welcome visitor 406,572. This floor exist solely to show that some women are impossible to please. You'll find the exit on your right hand side. Thank you for visiting the husband store. Have a nice day! " | |||
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Billy | |||
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" One for the seniors, Why do elephants have big ears?" Cos Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom | |||
" One for the seniors, Why do elephants have big ears? Cos Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom " | |||
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"sits an tinks how you came to that fookn conclusion that we're a curious race
Billy"Cos they thought they could solve their fuel crisis by buying 50000 million tonnes of sand from the arabs so they can drill for their own oil | |||
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" Somebody nicked a pair of my wife's knickers off our washing line. We're not too bothered about the knickers but would like the 12 pegs back." Sorry I needed a tent for the download festival. Lol Sit On Coffin | |||
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"An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?' he says. "Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!" The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?" "That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' " "Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?" "Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' " "I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ". "Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience." "Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?" On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him. "Hi" she says. "Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?" Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"" I knew that was gonna crack me up as soon as i read The 1st paragraph. Bravo, bloody superb. That'll be doing the rounds up the pub this week | |||
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"An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?' he says. "Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!" The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?" "That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' " "Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?" "Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' " "I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ". "Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience." "Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?" On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him. "Hi" she says. "Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?" Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"" PMSFL | |||
