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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

Subject: Smart Quotes

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. Timothy Jones

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire. Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical. Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. John Glenn

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Robert Benchley

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Superb. Thank you

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

If you have nothing nice to say... Say nothing at all x

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"If you have nothing nice to say... Say nothing at all x"

I can think of a few things I'd say

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"If you have nothing nice to say... Say nothing at all x

I can think of a few things I'd say "

Me too

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

The pen is mightier than the sword.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

To Winston Churchill:

Sir, you are d*unk!

reply:

Madam, you are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Singe guys we will find you when we need you

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Better to be thought of a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"Singe guys we will find you when we need you "

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"Better to be thought of a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt. "

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By *lackboaWoman  over a year ago

greenock

never be afraid to try something new.....amateurs built the ark.....professionals built the Titanic

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

The grass is always green on the other side (because its fertilized with bullshit)

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"The grass is always green on the other side (because its fertilized with bullshit)

"

*greener*

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A promise is a comfort to a fool

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

If you live in a glasshouse don't throw stones.

That's enough from me

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

"Imagination is more important than intelligence."

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By *londeCazWoman  over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Only two things are infinite...the universe and human stupidity...and I'm not sure about the former - Einstein

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something - Jackie Mason

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am now in, he thought for a long time and said "Yes, death would help" - Robert Morley

Hypocrite - a man who murdered both parents and pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan - Abe Lincoln

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By *emmefataleWoman  over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

Lifes too short to dance with ugly men.

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By *atisfy janeWoman  over a year ago

Torquay

'If things don't change they will stay as they are'.....

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By *riendly foeWoman  over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night

~ Rodney Dangerfield

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By *emmefataleWoman  over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

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By *londeCazWoman  over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria


"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. "

Dolly Parton???

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By *emmefataleWoman  over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville


"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Dolly Parton???"

Indeedy.....love some of the stuff her quotes

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By *emmefataleWoman  over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when."

PG Wodehouse.

Love this!

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By *londeCazWoman  over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer - Mark Twain

Fuck me, he's right

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"Lifes too short to dance with ugly men."

Get your dancing shoes on then

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


""Imagination is more important than intelligence.""

That's because intelligent people do not have to imagine

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I can resist anything but temptation.

Oscar Wilde

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By * Jay69Man  over a year ago

Bridgwater - Somerset


"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder "

Get it out with Optrex (Spike Milligan)

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

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By *he Happy ManMan  over a year ago

Merseyside

"The Government is not The Solution to our Problems , The Government is The Problem " Ronald Reagan

"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is? liberty." Thomas Jefferson

"?Schools were designed to create employees for the big corporations."

Robert Kiyosaki

"If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey, he is obligated to do so" Thomas Jefferson

"Dissent is the highest form of patriotism" Thomas Jefferson

If you expect the government to solve your problems, you have a problem. Robert Kiyosaki ?

"Those who give up their liberty for more security neither deserve liberty nor security." Benjamin Franklin

"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Always trust someone who is seeking the truth , never trust someone who found it" Jordan Maxwell

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By * Jay69Man  over a year ago

Bridgwater - Somerset

"Where they have burned books,

they will end in burning human beings."

Heinrich Heine

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. ~Woody Allen

Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume? ~Richard Fleischer

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~P.J. O'Rourke

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By *ce WingerMan  over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

You lads lineup alphabetically by height

Archie Knox, ex Glasgow Rangers first team coach

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I never apologise....I'm sorry but that's just the way I am.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 11/05/13 09:41:24]

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

''never ever bloody anything.....ever!''

(Rik - The Young Ones.

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By *avindaWoman  over a year ago

North Wales


""She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when."

PG Wodehouse.

Love this! "

Not heard that one before, love it,

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By *teveanddebsCouple  over a year ago

Norwich

Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Winnie Mandela?

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Ali is my all time sporting hero. 50 of his best quotes below. My fav is 41

1- Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. 2- Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life. 3- I am the greatest; I said that even before I knew I was. 4- A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life. 5- I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on. 6- If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize. 7- Its not bragging if you can back it up. 8- Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer. 9- Superman don't need no seat belt. 10- When you are as great as I am it is hard to be humble. 11- A rooster crows only when it sees the light. Put him in the dark and he'll never crow. I have seen the light and I'm crowing. 12- Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are. 13- At home I am a nice guy: but I don't want the world to know. Humble people, I've found, don't get very far. 14- Boxing  is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up. 15- Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. 16- Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. 17- Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn't matter which color does the hating. It's just plain wrong. 18- He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life. 19- I am the astronaut of boxing. Joe Louis and Dempsey were just jet pilots. I'm in a world of my own. 20- I figure I'll be champ for about ten years and then I'll let my brother take over - like the Kennedys down in Washington. 21- I figured that if I said it enough, I would convince the world that I really was the greatest. 22- I hated every minute of training, but I said, ''Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'' 23- I know I got it made while the masses of black people are catchin' hell, but as long as they ain't free, I ain't free. 24- I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want. 25- I never thought of losing, but now that it's happened, the only thing is to do it right. That's my obligation to all the people who believe in me. We all have to take defeats in life. 26- I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me. It would be a better world. 27- I'm not the greatest; I'm the double greatest. Not only do I knock 'em out, I pick the round. 28- I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark. 29- I'm the most recognized and loved man that ever lived cuz there weren't no satellites when Jesus and Moses were around, so people far away in the villages didn't know about them. 30- If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you. 31- It isn't the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it's the pebble in your shoe. 32- It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am. 33- Its just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. 34- It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself. 35 -It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen. 36- Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car  accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don't let yourself believe it will happen to you. 37- My toughest fight was with my first wife. 38- My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world. 39- No one knows what to say in the loser's locker room. 40- Old age is just a record of one's whole life. 41- Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even. 42- Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth. 43- The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses - behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road , long before I dance under those lights. 44- The man who has no imagination has no wings. 45- The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. 46- There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people. 47- There are no pleasures in a fight but some of my fights have been a pleasure to win. 48- To be able to give away riches is mandatory if you wish to possess them. This is the only way that you will be truly rich. 49- Wars of nations are fought to change maps. But wars of poverty are fought to map change. 50- When you can whip any man in the world, you never know peace.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Winnie Mandela?"

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

There is another line I think to your one that goes kill a man and your a murderer kill many and your a conquerer kill them all and your a god megadeth use it in one of their songs

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder "

I thought it was beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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By *irtydanMan  over a year ago

Blackpool

if you have no socks you cant pull em up

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I said it all at half time there was nothing to say at half time

Bobby robson

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Don't put your cock where you wouldn't put your finger.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"If you have nothing nice to say... Say nothing at all x

I can think of a few things I'd say "

What's stoppping you

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By *B9 QueenWoman  over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge


"The pen is mightier than the sword."

Try fighting a duel with a pen.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/05/13 17:10:34]

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

If someone calls you a shit and you walk away ... Whose the one left with shit in their mouth

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By *ayjay218Man  over a year ago

Aberdeen

When I was 16 my father knew nothing, now that i'm 21 what a lot he has learned in 5 years - Mark Twain

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Politicians, like nappies should be changes regularly, and for the same reason

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By * Jay69Man  over a year ago

Bridgwater - Somerset

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend … if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial..” - Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily..” - Charles, Count Talleyrand

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

"It is a shame that stupidity isn't painful."

Anton LaVey

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

Remember you are unique........ just like everyone else

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


""It is a shame that stupidity isn't painful."

Anton LaVey

"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

there are 2 sides to every story

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

"Today...im going to be a better person than yesterday!"

This time I really mean it...almost.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A mind is like a parachute if it don't open ya fucked!!!

Sarcasm keeps from telling people what you actually think of them!!!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I know its not a quote but I do like some of the lines.

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What about the famous last words of Abraham Lincoln ?

Widely believed to be 'I'll have a cornetto'

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"A mind is like a parachute if it don't open ya fucked!!!

"

Muahaha!

Funny but so true.

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By *edangel_2013Woman  over a year ago

southend

Sooner or later everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to figure out who is worth the pain.

Bob Marley

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

“Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.”

It's easy to take off all your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening your soul to someone, letting them into your spirt, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams..... thats being naked.

And all of a sudden I felt really tired, like the world had drained me of everything I had.

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I also like this:

"I like to keep an open mind but not so open that my brains fall out."

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By *icketysplitsWoman  over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Be the change you wish to see

Gandhi

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/05/13 17:35:48]

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By *B9 QueenWoman  over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

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By *B9 QueenWoman  over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

If you think sex is a pain in the ass-you're doing it wrong!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Dont eat yellow snow

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