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Should the victim accept an apology?
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By *hagTonight OP Man 3 days ago
From the land of haribos. |
I watched an interesting discussion about it, where they talked whether or not if the victim should accept the apology from the attacker.
They mentioned different things like even in some circumstances how both of them ended up as friends, another thing they talked about was also how the person who got attacked should decide on their own if they want to accept it or not, not because they have to do it or feel like they need to do it.
I agree that in this case the victim should beable to decide if they want to accept the attackers apology or not, to me it seems that this apology is more geared towards the attacker, because it seems like if the victim accepts it, the attacker dont feel as guilty of what they done and can move on with life easier
What is your view about it, should there even be an apology, who do you think the apology serves most too, the victim or the attacker? |
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By *ustBoWoman 3 days ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
I don't think anyone should get expected to accept an apology. It should always be their choice if they do or not. And it shouldn't be on the victim to have to accept it just to make the attacker feel less guilty. That's not on the victim. They have enough trauma to deal with.
If the attacker feels guilty than that's their burden and their own fault. Plus a lot of apologies are not genuine anyhow it's done for show. |
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I think expected is not the word here as it should be solely at the victims discretion. But I do think that it's imperative to forgive in order to move on healthily. It's an internal process so the apology may not even be part of it. Without forgiveness though I think the resentment and anger will eat the victim up inside. |
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To think of which human being is deserving of compassion and which isn't is a problem for me.
Let's say for e.g. the attacked is a sexual offender and the attacker was the assaulted womans brother...... what then ? |
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"If the victim feels it will help them move on then I can see why they would do it. If it doesn’t then no."
I agree with this. A hell of a lot of people are able to forgive. Not me, but a lot can. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man 3 days ago
From the land of haribos. |
"Why should any attacker be allowed to move on with their lives or feel less guilty?
Where do we draw the line? Commit a crime and say sorry and it's all good? "
Yes. I also wonder where you should draw the line too  |
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Do I think a perpetrator should apologise?
Yes, on the proviso that it is genuine remorse
.
.
Do I think a victim should accept an apology?
Only if they want to. The acceptance of an apology is completely down to their own discretion. They don’t even have to acknowledge the fact that the attacker has apologised.
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Well,I'd like to think I could for my benefit to absolve myself of any myself from any feelings of guilt or blame putting all the guilt on the attacker, leaving me to pick up my life and then hopefully to deal with the remorse.
The reality is:
Having been the victim of an extremely violent crime in my teens if I ever saw them again let alone be in a room with I can't say I'd respond in a grown up civilised way and not sure I'd could be responsible for my actions.
The attack has left me with lifelong paranoia and fear of large groups of guy's and people walking behind me.
Mr |
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"Well,I'd like to think I could for my benefit to absolve myself of any myself from any feelings of guilt or blame putting all the guilt on the attacker, leaving me to pick up my life and then hopefully to deal with the remorse.
The reality is:
Having been the victim of an extremely violent crime in my teens if I ever saw them again let alone be in a room with I can't say I'd respond in a grown up civilised way and not sure I'd could be responsible for my actions.
The attack has left me with lifelong paranoia and fear of large groups of guy's and people walking behind me.
Mr "
And people who say they can forgive I wonder how many have actually been a victim?
I also think it's the severity of the crime, there's a big difference from someone snatching your mobile phone to being stabbed or beaten or worse. |
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After I was assaulted, my ex wife and I bumped into the family of one of the lads in Lidl. We recognised each other from court. They apologised to us, clearly very emotional. I felt happy accepting that and genuinely felt for them, their shame and hurt was obvious.
Several years later I got the usual notice that the other attacker was being released from prison, then a week or so after, as I got out of the car after work, he was walking past. We both recognised each other (again from court, the night of the assault he came from behind and I never saw him). I went indoors quite shaken, he had seen and recognised me and now knew where I lived. An hour or so later he knocked on our door. At the time we had a German shepherd and a rottweiler so I took them with me to answer but he said he'd only come to apologize.
I accepted the apology, mostly because whether I did or not, it changed nothing about the past but had the potential to change the future. I had no intention of taking him up on his offer to go out for a drink together (I knew very well how he behaved in drink) but I didn't want to create new animosity. It later turned out his licenced address was with his nan and presumably, living that close to us I could have made a complaint.
From a personal point of view , that apology meant I was no longer afraid of him, instead becoming indifferent. My ex wife would be spitting blood every time she saw him, I didn't care one way or the other - possibly helped by having very little memory of the assault so never having flash backs that included him. I see little point in holding negative feelings about someone, it does absolutely nothing to change them but has the possibility of harming you. Accepting his apology wasn't some epiphany moment, it just told me he wasn't looking for revenge for his prison time. I didn't believe the original assault had anything personal about me (they were complete strangers) and I'm quite sure in his mind there were no hard feelings. That's not to say I think he's a nice person or would trust him but that small gesture helped me get over the past. Looking back, I think it was around then that I finally began to feel more comfy alone at night around d*unk people.
P |
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To add to the above, I find both an apology and forgiveness strange ideas. Neither changes anything about what happened, it is simply a statement of how you view the events. I have no power to absolve someone, accepting their apology doesn't change anything, it just says I acknowledge the fact they're sorry - or at least wish me to believe they are. That's it. Forgiving someone isn't about giving them a gift of release, it's about giving that release to yourself.
To answer a comment above wondering whether people who've been harmed are as easy to forgive as those who haven't been hurt say they would be. In my experience the difference between the two groups of people has more to do with a life outlook than lived experiences. Some people get over the most horrendous crimes committed against them, others need therapy for what ostensibly in comparison is very little. I'm not convinced either personality is the "right" one.
People say forgiving others releases you from holding negative feelings, I suspect being a person who tends not to hold negative feelings makes forgiveness very easy, not the other way around. |
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No the victim shouldn't accept an apology if they don't feel they can. They don't need to even acknowledge it.
It's possible to move forward in life without bitterness by accepting that bad things happen. |
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No one should ever be expected to accept an apology. That's something I teach my kids, sorry doesn't make it right.
But sorry (a genuine apology) does acknowledge they were in the wrong and you didn't deserve what they have put you through. That can make a huge difference to a victim who is struggling to get over something traumatic.
Forgiveness is rarely for the perpetrator but can change a victims life. To be able to let go of the hurt, anger, fear etc is a powerful thing. To take some power back is important.
Some of us are still waiting for that acknowledgement and the opportunity to let go but for me I doubt it will ever come. |
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"I watched an interesting discussion about it, where they talked whether or not if the victim should accept the apology from the attacker.
They mentioned different things like even in some circumstances how both of them ended up as friends, another thing they talked about was also how the person who got attacked should decide on their own if they want to accept it or not, not because they have to do it or feel like they need to do it.
I agree that in this case the victim should beable to decide if they want to accept the attackers apology or not, to me it seems that this apology is more geared towards the attacker, because it seems like if the victim accepts it, the attacker dont feel as guilty of what they done and can move on with life easier
What is your view about it, should there even be an apology, who do you think the apology serves most too, the victim or the attacker?"
Nobody should have to accept and apology and if a victim doesn't want to accept it then they should be free not to. It's not the victims job to absolve an attacker of their guilt. It's up to the person who's been attacked to decide whether they chose to accept it or not. And many attackers apologise insincerely or manipulatively anyway so it shouldn't just be expected that it is accepted. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man 3 days ago
From the land of haribos. |
"No the victim shouldn't accept an apology if they don't feel they can. They don't need to even acknowledge it.
It's possible to move forward in life without bitterness by accepting that bad things happen. "
Hi nicecouple, yes, you are right there, the victim shouldnt accept an apology if they dont feel they can, yes, they dont need to even acknowledge it  |
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The apology is part of the rehab process they encourage in prison, it's to help perpetrators move back into society healthily.
I think victims should have the decision of whether they even wish to hear the apology first, let alone accepting it. For some an apology is a closure point, for others it is a trigger and no one should be made to endure that.
I forgive people for me, not them. As I refuse to let them rent space in my head. I fear coming face to face with an historical attacker, would incite a wholly different reaction though. Happily my abuser is dead, so I can rest content |
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Having had to investigate a consent violation and sexual assault accusation, the victim was so traumatised by the incident that no amount of apology from the perpetrator would heal the wounds.
It turned out the perpetrator was a predator with numerous complaints that until this one person spoke out had stayed hidden.
No apology in the world could make up for what this person had done to so many women |
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By *hagTonight OP Man 3 days ago
From the land of haribos. |
"No one should ever be expected to accept an apology. That's something I teach my kids, sorry doesn't make it right.
But sorry (a genuine apology) does acknowledge they were in the wrong and you didn't deserve what they have put you through. That can make a huge difference to a victim who is struggling to get over something traumatic.
Forgiveness is rarely for the perpetrator but can change a victims life. To be able to let go of the hurt, anger, fear etc is a powerful thing. To take some power back is important.
Some of us are still waiting for that acknowledgement and the opportunity to let go but for me I doubt it will ever come. "
Hi bustykay, yes, you are right there, no one should ever be expected to accept an apology |
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By *ony MannMan 3 days ago
Lagos, Portugal/ Ilfracombe Devon/ Anoover |
"Depends on the circumstances.
A lot of people speak empty words so it also depends on whether it’s a genuine apology or not."
Very true and an expression of regret earns a reduction in penalty. The judge has to apply rules handed down by the 'Justice Department'. I would accept an apology if it was meant and the offence was not a plain wilful act. |
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No. Noone should be made to accept or even hear an apology. If someone can and want to, that is entirely up to them, they are a bigger person than me. I'd rather push them into a fire and watch them burn. Sorry is just a word, it doesn't erase the past or the damage caused. |
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No, not if they don't feel like they want too
After the burglarers of my house were imprisoned (aggravated burglary- me and my kids were asleep in the house ) I had a phone call off the prison rehabilitation team asking if I would be willing to meet them so they can apologise and and I can tell them about the impact of their actions on me and my kids
I told them to fuck off, who does that benefit? Not me that's for sure. They get to absolve themselves and I am left with the nightmares. Ain't happening |
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By *hagTonight OP Man 2 days ago
From the land of haribos. |
"The apology is part of the rehab process they encourage in prison, it's to help perpetrators move back into society healthily.
I think victims should have the decision of whether they even wish to hear the apology first, let alone accepting it. For some an apology is a closure point, for others it is a trigger and no one should be made to endure that.
I forgive people for me, not them. As I refuse to let them rent space in my head. I fear coming face to face with an historical attacker, would incite a wholly different reaction though. Happily my abuser is dead, so I can rest content "
Hi briar, yes, you are right there, the apology seems to be part of the rehab process too, yes, the victims should have that decision as well |
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"Depends on the circumstances.
A lot of people speak empty words so it also depends on whether it’s a genuine apology or not."
Also is the apology only because they got caught? It is empty or genuine remorse?
Most of the times these are hard to tell for sure.
Also I may depend on the attack in itself. Was is sexual,an aggressive unprovoked attack, was it in retaliation?
I think there are too many variables to have a clear cut answer to this question. In my humble opinion anyway. |
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Apologies mean fuck all. If apologies worked, half the shit wouldn't happen.
But it does.
Prison works.
So the government apologising for allowing arseholes get away with it is better than hearing bullshit from the perpetrator.
"So I'm sorry for attacking you with a knife as you waited at the bus stop and changed your life, do you forgive me, I'm really really sorry."
Somehow doesn't cut the mustard.
Here's 10 years in prison, now fuck off makes me feel better knowing you're locked up. Shove your apology between your cell bars sideways.
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"If a victim wishes to accept an apology then it is up to them but no apology is owed an audience. Yes, it is up to the victim if they wishes to accept the apology too "
If the victim is now a corpse, then that's futile. |
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"If a victim wishes to accept an apology then it is up to them but no apology is owed an audience. Yes, it is up to the victim if they wishes to accept the apology too
If the victim is now a corpse, then that's futile."
If the victim is a corpse the apology is futile 🤷🏻♂️ |
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By *im le2Man 19 hours ago
AYLESTONE |
I will never forgive my school bully. Ok I learnt to enjoy it but I could never show it.
One of the girl bullies married one of my brothers and I refused to go to the wedding and still 50+ years later I still will not talk to her.
Somethings hurt too much. |
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"I watched an interesting discussion about it, where they talked whether or not if the victim should accept the apology from the attacker.
They mentioned different things like even in some circumstances how both of them ended up as friends, another thing they talked about was also how the person who got attacked should decide on their own if they want to accept it or not, not because they have to do it or feel like they need to do it.
I agree that in this case the victim should beable to decide if they want to accept the attackers apology or not, to me it seems that this apology is more geared towards the attacker, because it seems like if the victim accepts it, the attacker dont feel as guilty of what they done and can move on with life easier
What is your view about it, should there even be an apology, who do you think the apology serves most too, the victim or the attacker?"
revenge is sweet, a lump of 4 x 2 at the back of the loaf. |
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This woman is a lesson in forgiveness https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WhJDHqK39WA she gives talks in schools about the power of forgiveness. She has turned around the lives of her assaulters so noone else will have to go through it at their hands. Amazing woman. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man 3 hours ago
From the land of haribos. |
"I think expected is not the word here as it should be solely at the victims discretion. But I do think that it's imperative to forgive in order to move on healthily. It's an internal process so the apology may not even be part of it. Without forgiveness though I think the resentment and anger will eat the victim up inside."
Hi catnip, yes, you are right there, it should be solely at the victims discretion too |
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