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Influential event....
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A big question, feel free to bookmark for when you have time to respond
What was the most influential event of your childhood and how do you feel this event affects you today?
(Please keep it within the fab boundaries and also legal..just in case!) |
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Phew!! Just one? 😮💨 good or bad?
I grew up with a lot of childhood trauma- a narcissistic, emotionally abusive father and a mother with borderline personality disorder. Did any of you watch Dahmer- the way his childhood life was spent at home? Yeah, that was my brother and me. No dissecting animals though 🤭
I’ve had spells of really bad depression as a result throughout my life, but I have also been very resilient and I think my life hasn’t been that bad considering what a crap childhood/youth I had.
One memory does stand out- my 9th birthday. I had a big party with all my school class invited. I had lots and lots of presents, a massive cake and lots of games. I was giddy with happiness then. It is my go to happy memory when life is crap and I feel like my mental health is slipping ❤️🩹 |
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I can't think of one single event. There was a lot of trauma and abuse, and some pleasant parts every now and then.
I'm not sure this counts, but having my first child brought the realisation that my own childhood was totally messed up. That hit me like a freight train, and it took many years to unpick all the bad stuff and rebuild a person who is generally emotionally healthy. |
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"A big question, feel free to bookmark for when you have time to respond
What was the most influential event of your childhood and how do you feel this event affects you today?
(Please keep it within the fab boundaries and also legal..just in case!)"
Getting involved with the wrong friendship group at college. I had a severe lack of any sort of confidence when I was younger, got drawn in to the wrong crowd because they seemed to like me and I was craving any sort of friendship. The end result was me not concentrating on the right things, failing my A-levels, not getting on the uni course I wanted, the wrong relationships and a series of dead-end jobs before I snapped out of it and turned my life around |
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Hmmm.
I had a relatively easy childhood. Things didn’t really go downhill until university. But something that always sticks out to me is my Dad promising to come and see me and never turning up. Happened so many times but I remember one time being quite excited and he just never came.
I know my dad had such a huge impact on so many things in my life negatively with his actions but fortunately through therapy I’ve been able to process and to even forgive him (though he never said sorry).
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The trajectory of my life changed completely when I was 11. I left primary school and went to a different secondary school to all of my friends, one where I got a good education but didn't fit in at all.
It was a hellish 7 years that left me with a lot of issues, but also set me up for the sort of career I've been lucky enough to have. |
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By *a LunaWoman 19 hours ago
South Wales |
The death of my most beloved Uncle when I was 9 (he was 33) back in the 80’s. He was away on holiday in Spain at the time and it just caused total devastation to my whole family, and the stress of trying to get his body back home was an added stressor to my grandparents.
My nan had a blood clot to the brain (suspected as a result of the shock of it all) and then spent the rest of her life on antidepressants and in and out of hospital.
My gramp, he found comfort in our local Church. We had the most amazing Vicar whose very presence was soothing and he was amazing to us as a family. This is why I get a bit defensive when folk slag off the Church, because yes some can be dodgy, but others are just life savers.
It forever cast a shadow over everyone, and my grandparents were never quite the same after that, and it hurt me to see them hurting. |
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Seeing Enter the Dragon with Bruce Lee as a child.
It completely changed my life because I became obsessed with martial arts. I trained for decades, went on to learn acrobatics and it brought me out of a dull career in engineering where I didn't fit at all into a world where I got to find my people and create art for the last twenty years. |
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Being a undiagnosed twin, I was the second one out. And having two older brothers. 4 of us under 4.
Shaped my life growing up. Not all bad of course but led me down a path of some bad choices.
I cant say I've reaped the benefits on my life 😪 |
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Waxworks museum on the isle of wight, 1985ish.
My parents took us around the torture chamber section. Simultaneously sparking an interest in BDSM and cracking my transgender egg.
I wanted to be the pretty girls getting tortured 
Got the first bit, kinda, just need someone for the second bit |
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By *ornycougaWoman 19 hours ago
Wherever I lay my hat |
Not a single event but having a mother who was so focused on her career and other interests that she never made time for me, was invariably physically and emotionally absent and repeatedly let me down. One of many things about my childhood that fucked me up, but has made me a better mother as I vowed I would not make the same mistake with my children. |
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I don't think it was a specific event but more the family dynamic as a whole in terms of making sure we do what's right for everyone before yourself which sort of led to a pressure of not wanting to let anyone down because of what other people might think and how that reflects on us as a whole. It's a mindset I've carried through to adulthood but trying to overcome in order to tell myself that it's not selfish if I put myself first on occasion. |
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No one event really. Lots of small joyous occasions though.
My aunt taking me to the ballet when I was 7. Our first holiday to a holiday camp when I was 9. Our first dog. My parents fostering children. |
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I was a very happy kid, then one day (I was 12)
After seeing me give my dad a quizzical look for what was some odd behaviour my brother took me out into the backyard, put his hands on my shoulders and said "dad's got schizophrenia"
My first thought and question was, "what the fuck is that?"
My brother's crude response went down like a lead balloon.
I didn't show it outwardly (not even to friends or family) but it freaked the fuck out of me.
So for the next 7 or so years, every time I said or did something stupid (which was often), my first thought was "have I got schizophrenia?"
I went to see the family GP when I was around 19 after doing something silly and asked him if he though I had it.
He just looked at me with a smile and said "your definitely young and dumb but schizophrenia? You don't have. Now please get out of my surgery"
Has it effected me into my adult life?
Yes it has but in a good way, Its taught me to be very patient with people especially if I think they are struggling with their mental health.
It's also made me quite philosophical I guess, I run a bar for a living and work with increasing numbers of young people that are struggling with their mental health. I am always trying to help them out by just listening to them and offering advice if they ask for it.
Sorry for the long post
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They day my dad took me to his friends recording studio (I was about 6 or 7). I sat and watched him and his friends make music with all this crazy equipment I’d never seen before.
Something about that moment made me realise being creative is the direction I wanted to go in life. |
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Finally reaching 6ft in my teens and being able to stand up face to face to my abuser and put a stop to all of it. I then entered my wild years and spent as little time at home as possible, which sparked my escapism need.
I'm very proud of myself that I have raised a normal family, which I learned to do all by myself. Gotta break the chain  |
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Out of many things, the night a friend talked me out of getting d*unk for the first time and only time and no longer existing due to pressure over exams.
Many times have looked back and wondered if was worth carrying on |
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"Making the mistake of saying yes to working for the family firm.
It’s severely hamstrung pretty much most of my life since. "
I imagine lots of children feel this way - it must be even harder if it's not your dream.
Do you still feel 'trapped' ? |
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"There was no single event. More like death of my self confidence and worth by a thousand paper cuts."
Oh that is so sad, I'm so sorry that happened to you 
Did things change as you became older and more independent? |
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Moving to a school out of the area, away from the kids I had been with all the way throu.gh school. That knocked a bit of confidence out of me, then being bullied for the next 5 years. That left me with very little confidence, also an inabilty to socialise as I thought everyone else would tteat me the same.
In my mid teens getting a life lasting injury, that ruled me out of a job in the armed forces. It also meant that I needed to learn how to do somethings again. |
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"Phew!! Just one? 😮💨 good or bad?
I grew up with a lot of childhood trauma- a narcissistic, emotionally abusive father and a mother with borderline personality disorder. Did any of you watch Dahmer- the way his childhood life was spent at home? Yeah, that was my brother and me. No dissecting animals though 🤭
I’ve had spells of really bad depression as a result throughout my life, but I have also been very resilient and I think my life hasn’t been that bad considering what a crap childhood/youth I had.
One memory does stand out- my 9th birthday. I had a big party with all my school class invited. I had lots and lots of presents, a massive cake and lots of games. I was giddy with happiness then. It is my go to happy memory when life is crap and I feel like my mental health is slipping ❤️🩹 "
Gosh that is a lot to deal with for a child.
I can see why you managed to build such a resilient personality and hence why you are able to look back reflectively.
I love your go-to memory.. it reminds me of a photo my mum took of me at a birthday party - my hair is blonde and falling in waves down my back and me and my friends are galloping around with homemade Indian headdress made out of cardboard and collected feathers- that probably isn't an appropriate activity nowadays! |
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"I'll skip over details of childhood trauma but will answer that my parent's divorce when I was 11 was an event that I continually went back to during therapy as an adult."
Ah parents divorcing is so hard on children - my parents separated during my O levels 
Is your therapy helping? |
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"Having to become a carer aged 12 affected my entire life at the time so I didn't experience my teens at all.
That had a domino effect that rolled on for almost 40 years. "
•
And you've come out the other side as a jolly good fellow and a gentleman. 🩶 |
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I remember my dad getting very d*unk, my mum piling us in a car and him trying to smash the windows to get to us/her. Never managed.
No, she never left. Well eventually, hut only once we were pretty much grown (mid to late teens).
It's why I don't drink often and never alone at home. |
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"I can't think of one single event. There was a lot of trauma and abuse, and some pleasant parts every now and then.
I'm not sure this counts, but having my first child brought the realisation that my own childhood was totally messed up. That hit me like a freight train, and it took many years to unpick all the bad stuff and rebuild a person who is generally emotionally healthy."
That reminds me of the Larkin poem with the line: they fuck you up, your mum and dad....
Do you think sometimes you need to know what bad looks like, to consciously choose a different path? |
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"I can't think of one single event. There was a lot of trauma and abuse, and some pleasant parts every now and then.
I'm not sure this counts, but having my first child brought the realisation that my own childhood was totally messed up. That hit me like a freight train, and it took many years to unpick all the bad stuff and rebuild a person who is generally emotionally healthy.
That reminds me of the Larkin poem with the line: they fuck you up, your mum and dad....
Do you think sometimes you need to know what bad looks like, to consciously choose a different path? "
Spooky ! ^ |
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I really don't know. Too many shitty bits. I suppose my parent's divorce must be high on the list and it started the inversion of the parent-child relationship, which involved me being a marriage guidance counsellor from about the age of 6. The mediator between them. The spokesperson who passed messages between them because they would try and kill each other if they were in the same room.
That inversion has continued throughout my life and continues still. I know it's pretty normal to assume care of your parent(s) when they're elderly but since I've never NOT been the adult in the relationship, I'm so over it already and I am becoming increasingly resentful of my Dad (who can't help having dementia) and so full of hate for the selfish human who birthed me, that I genuinely wish her ill. I don't want to feel either of those things.
Neither of them have been there for me as I've become disabled.
I've always had to counsel myself, look after myself, be the grown up and be everything to everyone else and nothing has changed even though I do desperately need some help myself.
I can't physically or mentally continue to do what I do with imploding but nothing is going on change. Dad seems to be doing his utmost to be as difficult as humanly possible and so more and more pressure is added to me everyday.
Today, he's acquired severe infection on top of what he was already hospitalised for, because he fights the staff when they try and check his skin integrity and now he's even more combative and unsafe because he's obviously uncomfortable and deeply unhappy. I'm about the only person who can get through to him even a bit.
I hope I'm dead long before I get to be that bad.
I spend a lot of my life examining my own mortality at present, which is deeply depressing. |
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"They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had,
And add some extra just for you.
"
Yes, but sometimes they get it right too. My parents weren't saint but tried their best and mostly did a good job. Still 2 out of 3 of us are bonkers. That's not all in our parents. It's that old nature vs nurture debate |
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"A big question, feel free to bookmark for when you have time to respond
What was the most influential event of your childhood and how do you feel this event affects you today?
(Please keep it within the fab boundaries and also legal..just in case!)
Getting involved with the wrong friendship group at college. I had a severe lack of any sort of confidence when I was younger, got drawn in to the wrong crowd because they seemed to like me and I was craving any sort of friendship. The end result was me not concentrating on the right things, failing my A-levels, not getting on the uni course I wanted, the wrong relationships and a series of dead-end jobs before I snapped out of it and turned my life around"
We are so impressionable when we are young, wanting to fit in and be cool.
Well done for turning your life around, I can't imagine it was easy |
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"They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had,
And add some extra just for you.
Yes, but sometimes they get it right too. My parents weren't saint but tried their best and mostly did a good job. Still 2 out of 3 of us are bonkers. That's not all in our parents. It's that old nature vs nurture debate "
Absolutely agree. I've always thought Larkins poem is too pessimistic although it may also be very dark comedy. |
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"Hmmm.
I had a relatively easy childhood. Things didn’t really go downhill until university. But something that always sticks out to me is my Dad promising to come and see me and never turning up. Happened so many times but I remember one time being quite excited and he just never came.
I know my dad had such a huge impact on so many things in my life negatively with his actions but fortunately through therapy I’ve been able to process and to even forgive him (though he never said sorry).
"
He sounds similar to my father, could never deliver on his promises.
I love that therapy has helped you to let go and move on... |
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"The trajectory of my life changed completely when I was 11. I left primary school and went to a different secondary school to all of my friends, one where I got a good education but didn't fit in at all.
It was a hellish 7 years that left me with a lot of issues, but also set me up for the sort of career I've been lucky enough to have."
Bittersweet -if you had the chance to turn back the clock would you change it |
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Being abandoned by my Mother at 10 years old, went to School one day, all fine. Came home and she was gone....Never had the guts to tell my Dad she was leaving, waited until we were out and left.
Dad found the note on the kitchen table when he came home
Life spiralled, Dad turned to alchohol and I was home alone for the majority of my teen years, my brothers were older than me and had their lives.
Tbf it is only now I am starting to process that and realising that everyone who should have cared for me, let me down. Nothing I can do about it now but the realisation is sad and it hurts
I did go and live with my Mum for a few years when I was 16....she turned up just after that Christmas to take me away because someone told her what had been happening.
Now as an adult I am a loner, no close friends and that tbh is the way I like it, I can't maintain friendships because I'm too distant with people. I depend on me and I am fiercely independent, I don't put up with shit from people either.
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"The death of my most beloved Uncle when I was 9 (he was 33) back in the 80’s. He was away on holiday in Spain at the time and it just caused total devastation to my whole family, and the stress of trying to get his body back home was an added stressor to my grandparents.
My nan had a blood clot to the brain (suspected as a result of the shock of it all) and then spent the rest of her life on antidepressants and in and out of hospital.
My gramp, he found comfort in our local Church. We had the most amazing Vicar whose very presence was soothing and he was amazing to us as a family. This is why I get a bit defensive when folk slag off the Church, because yes some can be dodgy, but others are just life savers.
It forever cast a shadow over everyone, and my grandparents were never quite the same after that, and it hurt me to see them hurting."
Oh Luna, I'm so sorry, that sounds very traumatic.
It's evident that a lot of people get comfort from the Church and I'm glad it was there for your family in your time of need x |
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"Seeing Enter the Dragon with Bruce Lee as a child.
It completely changed my life because I became obsessed with martial arts. I trained for decades, went on to learn acrobatics and it brought me out of a dull career in engineering where I didn't fit at all into a world where I got to find my people and create art for the last twenty years."
Wow that's incredible - how amazing that it could inspire such a tremendous aspiration!!
I hope you are also able to inspire the children experiencing your art as well |
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"The mother-daughter trauma bond, and feeling of abandonment by my father has a lot to do with who I am today. And I'm still working on that."
How do you think that impacts your own relationships?
I'm glad you are working through it |
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"Being a undiagnosed twin, I was the second one out. And having two older brothers. 4 of us under 4.
Shaped my life growing up. Not all bad of course but led me down a path of some bad choices.
I cant say I've reaped the benefits on my life 😪"
Oh my goodness you you have been a surprise to your parents! I can't imagine what it's more having 4 kids under 4, it must have been a chaotic riot growing up.
What would you change about your life if you had the chance? |
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"Waxworks museum on the isle of wight, 1985ish.
My parents took us around the torture chamber section. Simultaneously sparking an interest in BDSM and cracking my transgender egg.
I wanted to be the pretty girls getting tortured
Got the first bit, kinda, just need someone for the second bit "
Wow that was some visit !! Did your parents twig that you were having an epiphany? |
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"I'll skip over details of childhood trauma but will answer that my parent's divorce when I was 11 was an event that I continually went back to during therapy as an adult.
Ah parents divorcing is so hard on children - my parents separated during my O levels
Is your therapy helping? "
I appreciate the effort it has taken for your to respond to every thread. I did really love thinking about your question though. I ended up sending a friend a bunch of messages of some of the other influential life events I went through as a child. Focusing on the positive ones. It was such an interesting exercise.
But yes, therapy helped enormously and I no longer see her anymore |
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"Not a single event but having a mother who was so focused on her career and other interests that she never made time for me, was invariably physically and emotionally absent and repeatedly let me down. One of many things about my childhood that fucked me up, but has made me a better mother as I vowed I would not make the same mistake with my children. "
I can feel the determination leaping from your words |
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"Getting mugged at 14, I still clench my fists in my pockets & am like a spring ready to attack when walking through cities at night "
That sounds scary... There was a TV documentary years ago that focused on how to walk with confidence and swagger, so that a potential attacker would look for an easier target.. i still think about that when I'm walking in my own |
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"I can't think of one single event. There was a lot of trauma and abuse, and some pleasant parts every now and then.
I'm not sure this counts, but having my first child brought the realisation that my own childhood was totally messed up. That hit me like a freight train, and it took many years to unpick all the bad stuff and rebuild a person who is generally emotionally healthy.
That reminds me of the Larkin poem with the line: they fuck you up, your mum and dad....
Do you think sometimes you need to know what bad looks like, to consciously choose a different path? "
I'm not sure you do. It would have been easier to follow a well-balanced and healthy path because that's what I was modelled as a kid, but alas, that's not the hand I was dealt.
And some people just repeat history, don't they? Cycles of generational abuse trickling down.
|
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"I don't think it was a specific event but more the family dynamic as a whole in terms of making sure we do what's right for everyone before yourself which sort of led to a pressure of not wanting to let anyone down because of what other people might think and how that reflects on us as a whole. It's a mindset I've carried through to adulthood but trying to overcome in order to tell myself that it's not selfish if I put myself first on occasion."
A great expression I heard was that in order to help others, you have to first ensure your own bucket is full... So it is absolutely right to put yourself first!
Think about when the oxygen masks are deployed on a plane -you have to put your own on first before helping anyone else!! |
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"No one event really. Lots of small joyous occasions though.
My aunt taking me to the ballet when I was 7. Our first holiday to a holiday camp when I was 9. Our first dog. My parents fostering children. "
It sounds like you had a beautiful childhood ❤️ |
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"I don't think it was a specific event but more the family dynamic as a whole in terms of making sure we do what's right for everyone before yourself which sort of led to a pressure of not wanting to let anyone down because of what other people might think and how that reflects on us as a whole. It's a mindset I've carried through to adulthood but trying to overcome in order to tell myself that it's not selfish if I put myself first on occasion.
A great expression I heard was that in order to help others, you have to first ensure your own bucket is full... So it is absolutely right to put yourself first!
Think about when the oxygen masks are deployed on a plane -you have to put your own on first before helping anyone else!! "
There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza  |
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"I was a very happy kid, then one day (I was 12)
After seeing me give my dad a quizzical look for what was some odd behaviour my brother took me out into the backyard, put his hands on my shoulders and said "dad's got schizophrenia"
My first thought and question was, "what the fuck is that?"
My brother's crude response went down like a lead balloon.
I didn't show it outwardly (not even to friends or family) but it freaked the fuck out of me.
So for the next 7 or so years, every time I said or did something stupid (which was often), my first thought was "have I got schizophrenia?"
I went to see the family GP when I was around 19 after doing something silly and asked him if he though I had it.
He just looked at me with a smile and said "your definitely young and dumb but schizophrenia? You don't have. Now please get out of my surgery"
Has it effected me into my adult life?
Yes it has but in a good way, Its taught me to be very patient with people especially if I think they are struggling with their mental health.
It's also made me quite philosophical I guess, I run a bar for a living and work with increasing numbers of young people that are struggling with their mental health. I am always trying to help them out by just listening to them and offering advice if they ask for it.
Sorry for the long post
"
No apology required... I can see why you would question yourself. It must be a relief to be well.. I love to that you are looking out for other people and helping to signpost them to help xx |
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"They day my dad took me to his friends recording studio (I was about 6 or 7). I sat and watched him and his friends make music with all this crazy equipment I’d never seen before.
Something about that moment made me realise being creative is the direction I wanted to go in life."
It must be incredible to have an experience like that at such an informative age! |
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"left blind in one eye from accident when i was a 9 yearss of age,, my mother calling me a one eyed bastard after she lost her temper,,, told me not to tell me dad.. never forgot it"
Oh the words we say in anger that can never be recalled and that scar for an entire lifetime. I'm so sorry xx |
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"Going to war in my teens is up there. Seeing slaughtered families from Ethnic cleansing another. You did ask."
Oh my goodness, did you get counselling to help you deal with processing it? I can imagine the memories crowd out your thoughts at time x |
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"Finally reaching 6ft in my teens and being able to stand up face to face to my abuser and put a stop to all of it. I then entered my wild years and spent as little time at home as possible, which sparked my escapism need.
I'm very proud of myself that I have raised a normal family, which I learned to do all by myself. Gotta break the chain "
Well some for breaking the cycle, it really takes a strong character xx |
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"Some genuinely fascinating responses here. Thank you all for sharing and I tip my hat to the OP. A fantastically original thread.
 "
I am awestruck by how vulnerable everyone has been and very moved by the personal stories xx |
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Parents divorce when I was 7/8.
So mum brought me up on her own. And since she did night shift on occasion, I'd be taken in to her workplace, and spend the night in her mini. I had a duvet, and books and games and sweets and a torch. We'd do a week on and a week off like that. By the time I was 12, I was allowed to stay at home on my own when she worked nights. With no neighbours or friends (living in a remote village), I had to amuse myself.
I got used to alone time and by 13, I had grown fiercely independent. I'd take one of the horses out at a weekend across the fields. I'd ride for hours. Or ride my bike for hours around the country lanes. Or visit one of a dozen "dens" in the areas where I had stashed sweets/crisps/chocolates and comics in the woods. Or go to the library all day.
.
I guess it just made me very independent at a young age and very comfortable with solitude and peace. And doing my own thing. |
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"Having to become a carer aged 12 affected my entire life at the time so I didn't experience my teens at all.
That had a domino effect that rolled on for almost 40 years. "
I can imagine how conflicting that most have be, love and resentment driving guilt and frustration. Your family must have been incredibly grateful and probably battled their own conflicting emotions too.
Have you thought about creating some of your missed teenage experiences now?? |
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My very first memory is being in my mums arms and my dad throwing a milk bottle and cutting her head. I saw a lot of violence as a young child. My mum and dad split up when i was 11 and I went to a different secondary school where I didn't know anyone. At 13 I was diagnosed with depression, I'd never heard of anyone with depression. That was my way forward When I was 17 I got into a violent relationship as that's all I knew |
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"Out of many things, the night a friend talked me out of getting d*unk for the first time and only time and no longer existing due to pressure over exams.
Many times have looked back and wondered if was worth carrying on "
We have such pressures on ourselves all through our lives... Do you think you think you have a purpose in life? If not, maybe that is something to contemplate? |
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"Moving to a school out of the area, away from the kids I had been with all the way throu.gh school. That knocked a bit of confidence out of me, then being bullied for the next 5 years. That left me with very little confidence, also an inabilty to socialise as I thought everyone else would tteat me the same.
In my mid teens getting a life lasting injury, that ruled me out of a job in the armed forces. It also meant that I needed to learn how to do somethings again."
Oh I'm sorry you were bullied, kids can be such thoughtless little shits, unencumbered by consciences 
You sound very resilient, learning how to do things a different way is something most people never have to face... I am getting arthritis in my arm, so that relearning curve is just starting to kick in for me |
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"Getting a crack off my dad for getting an apprenticeship at a local mine and him refusing to sign for me to start next day I joined the army and eventually went on to be a Commando Gunner."
Oh wow, why didn't he want you to be take a mining apprenticeship? Maybe he was worried for your safety?
Did you enjoy your time in the army? |
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"I remember my dad getting very d*unk, my mum piling us in a car and him trying to smash the windows to get to us/her. Never managed.
No, she never left. Well eventually, hut only once we were pretty much grown (mid to late teens).
It's why I don't drink often and never alone at home."
I have a strained relationship with alcohol as my father was an alcoholic. I find it strange that it isn't more regulated
It sounds like you had quite an traumatized childhood x |
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"I can't think of one single event. There was a lot of trauma and abuse, and some pleasant parts every now and then.
I'm not sure this counts, but having my first child brought the realisation that my own childhood was totally messed up. That hit me like a freight train, and it took many years to unpick all the bad stuff and rebuild a person who is generally emotionally healthy.
That reminds me of the Larkin poem with the line: they fuck you up, your mum and dad....
Do you think sometimes you need to know what bad looks like, to consciously choose a different path?
Spooky ! ^"
We should make a wish! |
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"A big question, feel free to bookmark for when you have time to respond
What was the most influential event of your childhood and how do you feel this event affects you today?
(Please keep it within the fab boundaries and also legal..just in case!)"
Probably being sent to the overly strict baptist school I went to, by my mum & dad. (When I was 4).
I wouldn't send a 4 year old there myself..
When I speak to folks my age I tell them that my childhood was probably more like the childhood that their grandparents would have had. Victorian even..
So more of a long series of connected events than a singular event.
How do I feel this effects me today?
It's perhaps made me more of a non-conformist than I would have been. Also an over-thinker. |
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"I really don't know. Too many shitty bits. I suppose my parent's divorce must be high on the list and it started the inversion of the parent-child relationship, which involved me being a marriage guidance counsellor from about the age of 6. The mediator between them. The spokesperson who passed messages between them because they would try and kill each other if they were in the same room.
That inversion has continued throughout my life and continues still. I know it's pretty normal to assume care of your parent(s) when they're elderly but since I've never NOT been the adult in the relationship, I'm so over it already and I am becoming increasingly resentful of my Dad (who can't help having dementia) and so full of hate for the selfish human who birthed me, that I genuinely wish her ill. I don't want to feel either of those things.
Neither of them have been there for me as I've become disabled.
I've always had to counsel myself, look after myself, be the grown up and be everything to everyone else and nothing has changed even though I do desperately need some help myself.
I can't physically or mentally continue to do what I do with imploding but nothing is going on change. Dad seems to be doing his utmost to be as difficult as humanly possible and so more and more pressure is added to me everyday.
Today, he's acquired severe infection on top of what he was already hospitalised for, because he fights the staff when they try and check his skin integrity and now he's even more combative and unsafe because he's obviously uncomfortable and deeply unhappy. I'm about the only person who can get through to him even a bit.
I hope I'm dead long before I get to be that bad.
I spend a lot of my life examining my own mortality at present, which is deeply depressing. "
How can parents be so oblivious or selfish to see the shit show they create for their kids. 6 is an astonishingly young age to be in such a position
I'm sorry that they have continued to let you down through your adult life |
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"They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had,
And add some extra just for you.
Yes, but sometimes they get it right too. My parents weren't saint but tried their best and mostly did a good job. Still 2 out of 3 of us are bonkers. That's not all in our parents. It's that old nature vs nurture debate "
❤️❤️ It must be hard being a parent -it's why I actively chose not to take that that path |
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"Being abandoned by my Mother at 10 years old, went to School one day, all fine. Came home and she was gone....Never had the guts to tell my Dad she was leaving, waited until we were out and left.
Dad found the note on the kitchen table when he came home
Life spiralled, Dad turned to alchohol and I was home alone for the majority of my teen years, my brothers were older than me and had their lives.
Tbf it is only now I am starting to process that and realising that everyone who should have cared for me, let me down. Nothing I can do about it now but the realisation is sad and it hurts
I did go and live with my Mum for a few years when I was 16....she turned up just after that Christmas to take me away because someone told her what had been happening.
Now as an adult I am a loner, no close friends and that tbh is the way I like it, I can't maintain friendships because I'm too distant with people. I depend on me and I am fiercely independent, I don't put up with shit from people either.
"
I can totally understand why you are so independent. Do you think someone special would be able to penetrate your armour? |
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"I'll skip over details of childhood trauma but will answer that my parent's divorce when I was 11 was an event that I continually went back to during therapy as an adult.
Ah parents divorcing is so hard on children - my parents separated during my O levels
Is your therapy helping?
I appreciate the effort it has taken for your to respond to every thread. I did really love thinking about your question though. I ended up sending a friend a bunch of messages of some of the other influential life events I went through as a child. Focusing on the positive ones. It was such an interesting exercise.
But yes, therapy helped enormously and I no longer see her anymore "
❤️❤️❤️ |
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"My gran dying when I was 12. It might not seem life altering to many, but my life would have turned out differently had she still been around. "
We are only in competition with ourselves x
What do you think would have been different? Can you keep her in your heart as you make life decisions going forwards? What would Gran say /do ?? |
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"I can't think of one single event. There was a lot of trauma and abuse, and some pleasant parts every now and then.
I'm not sure this counts, but having my first child brought the realisation that my own childhood was totally messed up. That hit me like a freight train, and it took many years to unpick all the bad stuff and rebuild a person who is generally emotionally healthy.
That reminds me of the Larkin poem with the line: they fuck you up, your mum and dad....
Do you think sometimes you need to know what bad looks like, to consciously choose a different path?
I'm not sure you do. It would have been easier to follow a well-balanced and healthy path because that's what I was modelled as a kid, but alas, that's not the hand I was dealt.
And some people just repeat history, don't they? Cycles of generational abuse trickling down.
"
It's incredibly hard to break a cycle when it's all you know |
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"Parents divorce when I was 7/8.
So mum brought me up on her own. And since she did night shift on occasion, I'd be taken in to her workplace, and spend the night in her mini. I had a duvet, and books and games and sweets and a torch. We'd do a week on and a week off like that. By the time I was 12, I was allowed to stay at home on my own when she worked nights. With no neighbours or friends (living in a remote village), I had to amuse myself.
I got used to alone time and by 13, I had grown fiercely independent. I'd take one of the horses out at a weekend across the fields. I'd ride for hours. Or ride my bike for hours around the country lanes. Or visit one of a dozen "dens" in the areas where I had stashed sweets/crisps/chocolates and comics in the woods. Or go to the library all day.
.
I guess it just made me very independent at a young age and very comfortable with solitude and peace. And doing my own thing."
Gosh I was going to say imagine if that was happening in this day and age, but then I reflected on my words and realized it probably is! |
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"My grandpa died and i changes from a sweet friendly open lad to a closed off rage monster who hated everyone and everyone and everything for about 6 or 7 years "
How did you work through your grief? It's so hard grieving as a child as you simply don't have the tools x |
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"My very first memory is being in my mums arms and my dad throwing a milk bottle and cutting her head. I saw a lot of violence as a young child. My mum and dad split up when i was 11 and I went to a different secondary school where I didn't know anyone. At 13 I was diagnosed with depression, I'd never heard of anyone with depression. That was my way forward When I was 17 I got into a violent relationship as that's all I knew "
How did you break the pattern and escape? |
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"A big question, feel free to bookmark for when you have time to respond
What was the most influential event of your childhood and how do you feel this event affects you today?
(Please keep it within the fab boundaries and also legal..just in case!)
Probably being sent to the overly strict baptist school I went to, by my mum & dad. (When I was 4).
I wouldn't send a 4 year old there myself..
When I speak to folks my age I tell them that my childhood was probably more like the childhood that their grandparents would have had. Victorian even..
So more of a long series of connected events than a singular event.
How do I feel this effects me today?
It's perhaps made me more of a non-conformist than I would have been. Also an over-thinker."
Being a non-conformists I would say is a good thing in this day and age, but bi can imagine it is isolating if you cannot find like minded people.
How do you manage your overthinking? |
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|
By *mf123Man 8 hours ago
with one foot out the door |
"My grandpa died and i changes from a sweet friendly open lad to a closed off rage monster who hated everyone and everyone and everything for about 6 or 7 years
How did you work through your grief? It's so hard grieving as a child as you simply don't have the tools x"
i closed off emotion but it made me hard i couldnt handle any kind of loss after that |
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"My very first memory is being in my mums arms and my dad throwing a milk bottle and cutting her head. I saw a lot of violence as a young child. My mum and dad split up when i was 11 and I went to a different secondary school where I didn't know anyone. At 13 I was diagnosed with depression, I'd never heard of anyone with depression. That was my way forward When I was 17 I got into a violent relationship as that's all I knew
How did you break the pattern and escape? "
I went and studied. I read a book called Web of violence was all about history repeating its self. It took .e along while but I was never again In an abusive relationship and my last relationship he treated me like a queen. I know no my self worth² |
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"A big question, feel free to bookmark for when you have time to respond
What was the most influential event of your childhood and how do you feel this event affects you today?
(Please keep it within the fab boundaries and also legal..just in case!)
Probably being sent to the overly strict baptist school I went to, by my mum & dad. (When I was 4).
I wouldn't send a 4 year old there myself..
When I speak to folks my age I tell them that my childhood was probably more like the childhood that their grandparents would have had. Victorian even..
So more of a long series of connected events than a singular event.
How do I feel this effects me today?
It's perhaps made me more of a non-conformist than I would have been. Also an over-thinker.
Being a non-conformists I would say is a good thing in this day and age, but bi can imagine it is isolating if you cannot find like minded people.
How do you manage your overthinking? "
Badly.
I'm looking into which course of therapy to try. I don't think cbt would work for me.
I think there's a therapy called inner child therapy ( is that what it's called?). That seems to be more what I'm after.
I've diagnosed myself with arrested development or some form of it.
(See?..even overthinking that.) |
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