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That sweet spot...
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By *eli OP Woman 4 weeks ago
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You're talking to someone. Thinking about possibly meeting them/just enjoying the chat. Or you've met them - are seeing/dating/fwbs. What, for you, is the sweet spot when it comes to frequency of messaging?
Are you a daily talker? A sporadic but with intent messager? Would you lose interest if there was a particular gap/intensity to message frequency?
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I can’t really answer your question other than it depends on what’s being said at the time. If it’s getting particularly savoury, it should be more frequent than discussing what you’re watching on television.
It should be a good match for your own messages, in frequency and what’s said though. Some are like pulling teeth, that’s usually not a good sign. |
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Seven to ten minutes every two weeks, maybe even four weeks, in one go.
Flexibility included for a very, very occasional two minute text exchange between the above, discounting genuine crises.
I'm available for those irrespective of the time element.
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I'm a rarely messages, I despise being glued to my phone.
I have little kids and work, I think many people expect way too much conversation, small talk gets tedious quickly & my family/life will always come before any sex.
Mrs |
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Knowing men like I know them I don't often message first.
I gauge how much someone wants me by how often they message. Once we've had sex the messages tail off, until I they only message when they need sex, and no one else is available.
I don't like to bother people, so I leave the ball in their court.
If I feel like having sex with someone I'll agree, if I'm not busy.
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By *eli OP Woman 4 weeks ago
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"I can’t really answer your question other than it depends on what’s being said at the time. If it’s getting particularly savoury, it should be more frequent than discussing what you’re watching on television.
It should be a good match for your own messages, in frequency and what’s said though. Some are like pulling teeth, that’s usually not a good sign."
Yeah, when it feels quite... f*rced it's not particularly enjoyable is it? There's a difference between someone not really being in to talking via messaging/a bit crap at it vs someone who isn't really in to talking to you. |
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"I can’t really answer your question other than it depends on what’s being said at the time. If it’s getting particularly savoury, it should be more frequent than discussing what you’re watching on television.
It should be a good match for your own messages, in frequency and what’s said though. Some are like pulling teeth, that’s usually not a good sign.
Yeah, when it feels quite... f*rced it's not particularly enjoyable is it? There's a difference between someone not really being in to talking via messaging/a bit crap at it vs someone who isn't really in to talking to you. "
Exactly right. However it’s also possible that they want to but aren’t very good at it, as Luna mentioned in another thread.
Communication via messages can be a guideline to how someone is, but it’s not always accurate.
I’ve experienced both - brilliant messages that were a dream to read but in person it was just a bit flat, and also all getting a bit tongue tied and staccato in messages but really good to meet. |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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Depends on the person, the situation, what we want, how much they enjoy messaging, if we're delayed in meeting, distance, attraction, eagerness, etc.
The sweet spot is whatever works for both people. Some might say hello every day, some you might not hear from for a week. It's random and being able to adjust for that is more important than how often we chat. |
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By *eli OP Woman 4 weeks ago
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"If the relationship is casual (rather than romantic) then I’d prefer the contact to be sporadic. Check in, make arrangements etc, but don’t bombard with messages."
What are you like when it comes to romantic? I imagine quite the opposite but that might be an unfair assumption based on very little! |
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By *ornycougaWoman 4 weeks ago
Wherever I lay my hat |
It totally depends on the person. But I like consistency (though obviously accept that real life can get in the way). I also like effort and that sweet spot of feeling a real desire to meet me without feeling hounded. |
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I like to chat.
Can’t stand it when guys show an interest but only message when they’re free. When you say you’re busy then they don’t message again for a week or two til they’re free again and wanna meet.
A little chit chat is good |
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I think about this quite often at the moment. In my last relationship myself and my fiancée were in continuous communication for two years. All day every day. I loved it.
In the subsequent year during my 'Delectable is a massive slut phase, I was really happy to chat with a bunch of people all the time. It was very stimulating and great fun.
This last year I find a few messages every couple of days with one or two people is enough for me as I just don't have the spoons for more and am quite happy with the status quo.
So I think it depends on my emotional and mental bandwidth at a given time and how that meets my needs in terms of what I'm open to. |
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By *bi HaiveMan 4 weeks ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
Totally varies from person to person.
If you're in any form of relationship with someone you get a good feel for them in terms of communication preferences, both in terms of frequency and method.
Some like to speak on the phone. Some prefer messages. Some like video chats. There's no right or wrong answer to either how you communicate or how often. It either works for you both or it doesn't. Any form of inequality in terms of expectations makes life awkward. Things evolve naturally and as long as both parties are happy then all is good.
If one wants something different then you either change, compromise and manage expectations or you run the risk of it damaging the relationship you have.
It's a two way street.
Or a tube map, if you're in a situation where you have multiple partners/relationships. |
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I’ve been the good and bad person in this too. Sometimes messages are easy, sometimes I can’t seem to get the words right and it’s a downward spiral of messaging too often as I fucked up the previous one or the meaning wasn’t clear…
Ugh 
I’m the same person, so how can this be? Whatever I’d built up in my head about the other person is probably part of it, sometimes I can’t believe I’ve even got a reply from that person, perhaps also it can just be the wrong time and I’m not in the right headspace.
For something that should be so simple - that person is good or bad at messaging - it’s surprisingly complex and subtle. |
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What Obi said, definitely.
It really depends on the person and the dynamic. If there are plans to meet in person, I like fairly regular contact, maybe 2 or 3 times a week, just to get a feel for each other. I’m not usually a daily talker and can find it a bit of a chore if that’s expected. However, very occasionally I click with someone where the conversation is completely effortless, and it naturally evolves into daily chats. That kind of connection and chemistry is rare for me, and when it happens it feels pretty amazing. |
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"You're talking to someone. Thinking about possibly meeting them/just enjoying the chat. Or you've met them - are seeing/dating/fwbs. What, for you, is the sweet spot when it comes to frequency of messaging?
Are you a daily talker? A sporadic but with intent messager? Would you lose interest if there was a particular gap/intensity to message frequency?
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I definitely like to chat a few times during the day especially when you have lots in common and have a laugh. It's lovely when a message can just make the crappiest day better. And when they get a little bit 😈 leading up to a meet then that's all the better 😋.
It builds the relationship for me with a Fwb  |
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Totally depends on the person and the relationship I have with them.
I find at the beginning I do need quite regular messages as I’m trying to get to know them to decide if I’m going to meet them.
After that though it tend to try to match what I think they want. Some people check in every few weeks, others weekly and others daily. I find the ones I talk to more frequently I have a better connection with and there is more desire to meet. Messages are often a big part of the seduction for me so if I feel I’m not getting what I need then I will lose interest.
Kx |
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My husband and I have regular communication if we're apart, which we both enjoy.
As far as Fab is concerned we have established that I friend zone people if I chat too frequently with them, and the flirtation ebbs away. So now, I prefer not to chit chat too much.
Mrs |
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By *a LunaWoman 4 weeks ago
South Wales |
"If the relationship is casual (rather than romantic) then I’d prefer the contact to be sporadic. Check in, make arrangements etc, but don’t bombard with messages.
What are you like when it comes to romantic? I imagine quite the opposite but that might be an unfair assumption based on very little!"
Then I like to know that they’re thinking of me. Silly small things like messages because they’ve seen something and thought of me or just had the urge to tell me something, no matter how trivial. I like knowing I’m on their mind and don’t like having to chase for their attention.
I prefer to keep the distance in messaging in non romantic relationships because then I can’t get mixed signals. I do have a habit of reading too much into things otherwise.
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By *eraltoMan 4 weeks ago
Leicester |
Would be nice to start chatting to you again
"I like to chat.
Can’t stand it when guys show an interest but only message when they’re free. When you say you’re busy then they don’t message again for a week or two til they’re free again and wanna meet.
A little chit chat is good "
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I (Mrs) loos interest very quickly if they constantly message, really how does knowing what you did today going to improve the sex life, if anything people get it hinders as then it hard to get back to the subject of sex.
The sweet spot for me is a bit of dirty talk and meet up in a couple of days time and get straight to bed. |
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I find it hard to leave a message unreplied to, so as soon as I read one I'm compelled to respond and sometimes feel that comes across as needy/attention seeking, so try to calm it down a bit! As has been said already, it's always better when energy is reciprocated. |
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By *eli OP Woman 4 weeks ago
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"If I’m definitely interested/attracted then I like at least a daily check in, but not as any sort of duty, just because they’re someone I really enjoy chatting to "
Yeah when it feels duty bound it loses some of its sparkle. I like when people talk to me because they want to. Because they enjoy it. I'd rather be skipped if it was a need rather than a want. If that makes sense. |
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By *eli OP Woman 4 weeks ago
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"Knowing men like I know them I don't often message first.
I gauge how much someone wants me by how often they message. Once we've had sex the messages tail off, until I they only message when they need sex, and no one else is available.
I don't like to bother people, so I leave the ball in their court.
If I feel like having sex with someone I'll agree, if I'm not busy.
"
Oh this is kind of sad Nanna. Are you happy with that? I dated a man once who was always very eager to message in the run up, you know love declarations, all of that. Once the date was over, we'd had sex, he'd disappear for a few days. Come back when he was horny. It didn't really last very long.  |
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By *eli OP Woman 4 weeks ago
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"It totally depends on the person. But I like consistency (though obviously accept that real life can get in the way). I also like effort and that sweet spot of feeling a real desire to meet me without feeling hounded. "
Consistency is important. It's different from frequency isn't it? If you feel hounded, are you direct about that? In a polite way of course. It's rare I do but I would say something. I suppose it's about how someone engages as well. |
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"I find it hard to leave a message unreplied to, so as soon as I read one I'm compelled to respond and sometimes feel that comes across as needy/attention seeking, so try to calm it down a bit! As has been said already, it's always better when energy is reciprocated."
This is me too. I have a busy life…work/kids/friends but if I want to reply to someone then i will find the time. Even if it’s just to say I’m busy right now but will chat properly later. I know I don’t owe people that but I just find that’s nice to do so I do like it when that’s reciprocated. |
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Im so fickle. They have to message me exactly the right amount. Too much and they come across as needy. Too little and I pull away thinking they are not interested. I would hate to have me as an fwb! Some seem to get it just right. |
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"Knowing men like I know them I don't often message first.
I gauge how much someone wants me by how often they message. Once we've had sex the messages tail off, until I they only message when they need sex, and no one else is available.
I don't like to bother people, so I leave the ball in their court.
If I feel like having sex with someone I'll agree, if I'm not busy.
Oh this is kind of sad Nanna. Are you happy with that? I dated a man once who was always very eager to message in the run up, you know love declarations, all of that. Once the date was over, we'd had sex, he'd disappear for a few days. Come back when he was horny. It didn't really last very long. "
I think we have all had one of those who only message when they are horny. Kick them to the kerb as there will always be someone else who likes you genuinely. |
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