Being of the demographic that is seen as disproportionately affected in this regard (middle aged man) and having lost my brother to taking his own life just 6 months ago this is something I have thought a lot about recently and have lots of thoughts around it.
One thing I am convinced about is that it's not an easy question to answer and the reasons are very nuanced for different people.
I think the "soundbite culture" where a silver bullet solution is expected leads to a lack of understanding.
Talking - I often find the advice that's put about talking to be a little too simplistic and often-times, patronising. As adults, we know that it's okay to talk but the trouble is whether we have the support network to talk to. This is a bigger issue for men particularly for a number of reasons. We are problem-solvers and assume responsibility for solving problems, not putting them on others and talking can be perceived as burdening others. For me, talking to strangers didn't help my mental health. It made it worse. Taking the piss and having the piss taken by a mate, that helped me more. Having people you want to talk to also makes a difference. I found talking to strangers problematic, unless I was paying them. If I was paying them then as soon as I left I expected they'd just forget about me and what I said so I wouldn't have burdened them with my problems. Talking to a room full of strangers who were fighting their own demons however, that fucked me over in a big way and sent me to a very dark place. They had real problems and her was me demanding they listen to my tiny (by comparison) problems. I felt selfish and it lowered my own idea on my self worth. But reconnecting with a mate and being able to be his crutch as much as he was mine has been the biggest help. I will talk to him because he will talk to me. There is a trade off, and exchange of value.
People - belonging, identifying and being engaged within a community is important to us as social animals, whether that's simply a circle of friends, a club, sports, etc. Being part of your tribe helps and that was a big learning for me. I spent a lot of time saying I didn't like people and whilst that was largely true, I actually loved my people. I just didn't take time to find them. Unfortunately, one of the unspoken losses in divorce is friends, particularly for men. And a lot of middle-aged men find themselves divorced and alone (especially if there has been a couple of relationship break ups such as divorce then rebounds, etc). Very quickly you can find yourself without a number to call of someone you want to talk to and the cycle detailed above is exacerbated because of the lack of mates (not just friends).
Purpose - When I look back to me Dad and Grandpa, they had a place in life. They were the breadwinner, the provider, the protector. Their wives were the home makers. It was a true partnership and they worked together fulfilling their purpose. That's no longer as clear cut as both parties need to earn. And add to that that there is a large shift towards equality (not equity, there is a difference I'll explain below) and you have women competing with their husbands in relationships, rather than complementing and partnering. This erodes the sense of purpose and without a clear purpose we struggle to understand our value and our place.
So let me just caveat the use of the word equality there and it's often a trigger point. Men and women are not equal and to say we are is to the detriment of each other. Women are so much better than men in many ways, and men are so much better than women in many ways. I rather glibly say that "when men can give birth and woment can parallel park then they will be equals" as a way to highlight that to say that we're the same detracts from both sides. Equity, now that I'm on board with. In so much in life these days, men and women should be treated the same. A friend of mine described it not as a man and woman thing, but a masculine energy and a feminine energy thing and as any single parent will attest, you have to be able to tap into your reserve of either at any given point.
So OP, thanks for opening the door to the discussion and it's been interesting to read the other comments. |
