Brutal honesty, it’s not great. Your profile is your shop window to the women folk of fab. Are they gonna go in the shop with the well decorated display, or the one with nothing to see?
It's not bad at all. I've seen plenty of verifications written by guys with less effort put in.
You might benefit by adding a bit more of your personality to your bio. There's a lot of guys profiles so vague middle of the road stuff doesn't stand out much.