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Need help with a dilemma
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By (user no longer on site) OP 4 weeks ago
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I first came on fab back in 2015 / 2016 and since then I have never been able to stay away long. I delete my profile, then miss it and create another.
The last time I was on here 2 years ago I met my now partner.
She was part of a fwb couple wanting to try their first ffm.
Ultimately that didnt go ahead but me and her got close and are now together in a fairly serious relationship.
We both came off fab when we got together.
The dilemma I have is this, even though I was on here for years I was pretty boring and only had quick hook ups for 1 on 1 sex. I want to experience more. I want to have a 3sum, mfm, ffm. I want to try CNC, I would love a gangbang. I have attended parties in the past but never truly engaged. I want to have the full experience. The same as clubs. I have been to Jaydees twice, watched a friend play but never played myself. I was too self conscious and nervous. But I want to do it now.
I want to experience lots of other things before I get too much older. I dont want to ever regret not doing them.
My partner has had more experiences than me, her and her fwb had years of experimenting. They did pretty much everything they wanted so she is now content to settle down.
She wants to be monogamous. I have explained what I want, but she has no desire to be on the scene anymore. We have discussed it at length and she wont budge.
So, do I settle down and forget what I want or should I keep trying to have the experiences I want, but without her knowledge?
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By (user no longer on site) OP 4 weeks ago
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"Or say you'd like to experience those things without her and see if she'll accept that.
Nobody can decide for you but I'd be loathe to encourage deceit"
She wont, we have had that discussion too.
Ultimately I want to experince all of these things with her because for the first time ever I have found someone I am 100% relaxed around and trust, but she is content with things how they are.
I dont want to make her feel she has to do them purely to satisfy me, but I also dont want to get 5 or 10 years down the line and regret not doing something.
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Doing it without her knowledge will not end well.
Being blunt - if she won’t budge then the question you need to ask yourself is whether the relationship is worth missing out on the things you want. If it is then you have to let them go. If it isn’t then you have to let her go. |
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"Or say you'd like to experience those things without her and see if she'll accept that.
Nobody can decide for you but I'd be loathe to encourage deceit
She wont, we have had that discussion too.
Ultimately I want to experince all of these things with her because for the first time ever I have found someone I am 100% relaxed around and trust, but she is content with things how they are.
I dont want to make her feel she has to do them purely to satisfy me, but I also dont want to get 5 or 10 years down the line and regret not doing something.
"
You trust her? Does she trust you? If so don't betray that, you might have bigger regrets down the line than missing out on threesomes |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 4 weeks ago
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"Surely as a couple it is a discussion to have together and see if suits both. "
We have discussed it at length and have hit an impasse. She really doesnt want to rejoin the scene and wont move on that. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 4 weeks ago
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"Or say you'd like to experience those things without her and see if she'll accept that.
Nobody can decide for you but I'd be loathe to encourage deceit
She wont, we have had that discussion too.
Ultimately I want to experince all of these things with her because for the first time ever I have found someone I am 100% relaxed around and trust, but she is content with things how they are.
I dont want to make her feel she has to do them purely to satisfy me, but I also dont want to get 5 or 10 years down the line and regret not doing something.
You trust her? Does she trust you? If so don't betray that, you might have bigger regrets down the line than missing out on threesomes"
This is a very very fair point. Thank you |
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"Surely as a couple it is a discussion to have together and see if suits both.
We have discussed it at length and have hit an impasse. She really doesnt want to rejoin the scene and wont move on that."
So you are looking for different things? Surely there is your answer. |
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By *reya73Woman 4 weeks ago
Whitley Bay |
I think you have the opportunity to discuss with her.
How about finding a relationship therapist who can support you to work out relationship parameters.
It's entirely possible to be non monogamous and still have committed, loyal, deep and loving relationship. Maybe this is something that she and you haven't explored in a healthy, supportive way.
If her decision is still set on monogamy only .. accept that you are incompatible and that's ok. Deceit however, is not ok.
No reason to lie or go against each of your wishes. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 4 weeks ago
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"I think you have the opportunity to discuss with her.
How about finding a relationship therapist who can support you to work out relationship parameters.
It's entirely possible to be non monogamous and still have committed, loyal, deep and loving relationship. Maybe this is something that she and you haven't explored in a healthy, supportive way.
If her decision is still set on monogamy only .. accept that you are incompatible and that's ok. Deceit however, is not ok.
No reason to lie or go against each of your wishes. "
We have discussed it at length and I think she struggles to see how we can be non monogamous and still be in a committed relationship.
Where as I think it may actually bring us closer together.
A therapist might be a good idea. I really dont want to end up lying and cheating but I dont want to regret anything either.
I know, I am contradicting myself there
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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You've had the discussion. She wants to settle down and you don't. Even though you may have a found a great person you have to do what you want to do.
It sounds selfish but it's not, it's really quite simple
She wants one thing. You want something different.
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By (user no longer on site) OP 4 weeks ago
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"I first came on fab back in 2015 / 2016 and since then I have never been able to stay away long. I delete my profile, then miss it and create another.
The last time I was on here 2 years ago I met my now partner.
She was part of a fwb couple wanting to try their first ffm.
Ultimately that didnt go ahead but me and her got close and are now together in a fairly serious relationship.
We both came off fab when we got together.
The dilemma I have is this, even though I was on here for years I was pretty boring and only had quick hook ups for 1 on 1 sex. I want to experience more. I want to have a 3sum, mfm, ffm. I want to try CNC, I would love a gangbang. I have attended parties in the past but never truly engaged. I want to have the full experience. The same as clubs. I have been to Jaydees twice, watched a friend play but never played myself. I was too self conscious and nervous. But I want to do it now.
I want to experience lots of other things before I get too much older. I dont want to ever regret not doing them.
My partner has had more experiences than me, her and her fwb had years of experimenting. They did pretty much everything they wanted so she is now content to settle down.
She wants to be monogamous. I have explained what I want, but she has no desire to be on the scene anymore. We have discussed it at length and she wont budge.
So, do I settle down and forget what I want or should I keep trying to have the experiences I want, but without her knowledge?
"
I need to add that she did initially agree to us having a MFF threesome when we started discussing this months ago, but the only person she would allow to join us was her original fwb.
I wasnt overly comfortable with that, ultimately there was a reason it didnt go ahead 2 years ago.
She told me that if I wanted it, it had to be him or nothing. I refused to let it be him and now we are here. |
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"I first came on fab back in 2015 / 2016 and since then I have never been able to stay away long. I delete my profile, then miss it and create another.
The last time I was on here 2 years ago I met my now partner.
She was part of a fwb couple wanting to try their first ffm.
Ultimately that didnt go ahead but me and her got close and are now together in a fairly serious relationship.
We both came off fab when we got together.
The dilemma I have is this, even though I was on here for years I was pretty boring and only had quick hook ups for 1 on 1 sex. I want to experience more. I want to have a 3sum, mfm, ffm. I want to try CNC, I would love a gangbang. I have attended parties in the past but never truly engaged. I want to have the full experience. The same as clubs. I have been to Jaydees twice, watched a friend play but never played myself. I was too self conscious and nervous. But I want to do it now.
I want to experience lots of other things before I get too much older. I dont want to ever regret not doing them.
My partner has had more experiences than me, her and her fwb had years of experimenting. They did pretty much everything they wanted so she is now content to settle down.
She wants to be monogamous. I have explained what I want, but she has no desire to be on the scene anymore. We have discussed it at length and she wont budge.
So, do I settle down and forget what I want or should I keep trying to have the experiences I want, but without her knowledge?
I need to add that she did initially agree to us having a MFF threesome when we started discussing this months ago, but the only person she would allow to join us was her original fwb.
I wasnt overly comfortable with that, ultimately there was a reason it didnt go ahead 2 years ago.
She told me that if I wanted it, it had to be him or nothing. I refused to let it be him and now we are here. "
I look very much like him will that be of any help  |
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"I first came on fab back in 2015 / 2016 and since then I have never been able to stay away long. I delete my profile, then miss it and create another.
The last time I was on here 2 years ago I met my now partner.
She was part of a fwb couple wanting to try their first ffm.
Ultimately that didnt go ahead but me and her got close and are now together in a fairly serious relationship.
We both came off fab when we got together.
The dilemma I have is this, even though I was on here for years I was pretty boring and only had quick hook ups for 1 on 1 sex. I want to experience more. I want to have a 3sum, mfm, ffm. I want to try CNC, I would love a gangbang. I have attended parties in the past but never truly engaged. I want to have the full experience. The same as clubs. I have been to Jaydees twice, watched a friend play but never played myself. I was too self conscious and nervous. But I want to do it now.
I want to experience lots of other things before I get too much older. I dont want to ever regret not doing them.
My partner has had more experiences than me, her and her fwb had years of experimenting. They did pretty much everything they wanted so she is now content to settle down.
She wants to be monogamous. I have explained what I want, but she has no desire to be on the scene anymore. We have discussed it at length and she wont budge.
So, do I settle down and forget what I want or should I keep trying to have the experiences I want, but without her knowledge?
I need to add that she did initially agree to us having a MFF threesome when we started discussing this months ago, but the only person she would allow to join us was her original fwb.
I wasnt overly comfortable with that, ultimately there was a reason it didnt go ahead 2 years ago.
She told me that if I wanted it, it had to be him or nothing. I refused to let it be him and now we are here. "
It seems to be her way or no way!
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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"I first came on fab back in 2015 / 2016 and since then I have never been able to stay away long. I delete my profile, then miss it and create another.
The last time I was on here 2 years ago I met my now partner.
She was part of a fwb couple wanting to try their first ffm.
Ultimately that didnt go ahead but me and her got close and are now together in a fairly serious relationship.
We both came off fab when we got together.
The dilemma I have is this, even though I was on here for years I was pretty boring and only had quick hook ups for 1 on 1 sex. I want to experience more. I want to have a 3sum, mfm, ffm. I want to try CNC, I would love a gangbang. I have attended parties in the past but never truly engaged. I want to have the full experience. The same as clubs. I have been to Jaydees twice, watched a friend play but never played myself. I was too self conscious and nervous. But I want to do it now.
I want to experience lots of other things before I get too much older. I dont want to ever regret not doing them.
My partner has had more experiences than me, her and her fwb had years of experimenting. They did pretty much everything they wanted so she is now content to settle down.
She wants to be monogamous. I have explained what I want, but she has no desire to be on the scene anymore. We have discussed it at length and she wont budge.
So, do I settle down and forget what I want or should I keep trying to have the experiences I want, but without her knowledge?
I need to add that she did initially agree to us having a MFF threesome when we started discussing this months ago, but the only person she would allow to join us was her original fwb.
I wasnt overly comfortable with that, ultimately there was a reason it didnt go ahead 2 years ago.
She told me that if I wanted it, it had to be him or nothing. I refused to let it be him and now we are here.
It seems to be her way or no way!
"
I was just gonna say the same thing.
You have a say in things in general. You do don't ya? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 4 weeks ago
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"I first came on fab back in 2015 / 2016 and since then I have never been able to stay away long. I delete my profile, then miss it and create another.
The last time I was on here 2 years ago I met my now partner.
She was part of a fwb couple wanting to try their first ffm.
Ultimately that didnt go ahead but me and her got close and are now together in a fairly serious relationship.
We both came off fab when we got together.
The dilemma I have is this, even though I was on here for years I was pretty boring and only had quick hook ups for 1 on 1 sex. I want to experience more. I want to have a 3sum, mfm, ffm. I want to try CNC, I would love a gangbang. I have attended parties in the past but never truly engaged. I want to have the full experience. The same as clubs. I have been to Jaydees twice, watched a friend play but never played myself. I was too self conscious and nervous. But I want to do it now.
I want to experience lots of other things before I get too much older. I dont want to ever regret not doing them.
My partner has had more experiences than me, her and her fwb had years of experimenting. They did pretty much everything they wanted so she is now content to settle down.
She wants to be monogamous. I have explained what I want, but she has no desire to be on the scene anymore. We have discussed it at length and she wont budge.
So, do I settle down and forget what I want or should I keep trying to have the experiences I want, but without her knowledge?
I need to add that she did initially agree to us having a MFF threesome when we started discussing this months ago, but the only person she would allow to join us was her original fwb.
I wasnt overly comfortable with that, ultimately there was a reason it didnt go ahead 2 years ago.
She told me that if I wanted it, it had to be him or nothing. I refused to let it be him and now we are here.
It seems to be her way or no way!
I was just gonna say the same thing.
You have a say in things in general. You do don't ya?"
I do yes. In everything else we have equal say |
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"I first came on fab back in 2015 / 2016 and since then I have never been able to stay away long. I delete my profile, then miss it and create another.
The last time I was on here 2 years ago I met my now partner.
She was part of a fwb couple wanting to try their first ffm.
Ultimately that didnt go ahead but me and her got close and are now together in a fairly serious relationship.
We both came off fab when we got together.
The dilemma I have is this, even though I was on here for years I was pretty boring and only had quick hook ups for 1 on 1 sex. I want to experience more. I want to have a 3sum, mfm, ffm. I want to try CNC, I would love a gangbang. I have attended parties in the past but never truly engaged. I want to have the full experience. The same as clubs. I have been to Jaydees twice, watched a friend play but never played myself. I was too self conscious and nervous. But I want to do it now.
I want to experience lots of other things before I get too much older. I dont want to ever regret not doing them.
My partner has had more experiences than me, her and her fwb had years of experimenting. They did pretty much everything they wanted so she is now content to settle down.
She wants to be monogamous. I have explained what I want, but she has no desire to be on the scene anymore. We have discussed it at length and she wont budge.
So, do I settle down and forget what I want or should I keep trying to have the experiences I want, but without her knowledge?
"
The straight and obvious answer to this is you really need to sit down and have a very frank and open conversation with your partner! Sure, be open to the advice that posting this dilemma on a forum will give you, but the only opinion that really matters is between you and your partner, but you need to address this candidly between the two of you.. |
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It's clear to me that this is an impasse because you desire a relationship with her on your terms, and she desires an exclusive relationship with you on her own terms, and at the moment there is no harmony or equilibrium. The terms are not reconcilable at the moment because the terms are fixed and seem immovable.
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Both persons terms are at odds with each other.
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I think it would be important to understand what underpins her desire for monogamy, and what drives that desire.
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So many things, positive and negative, can drive that desire, but ultimately fear is what typically drives many behavioural traits. But hers could be quite different indeed, so assumptions are just that.
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This is a highly complex and involved situation and I feel professional counselling is worth pursuing if all parties are onboard with that.
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When each party truly sees and understands each party's deepest fears and concerns, the gulf between will not seem as deep, and opportunity may present for an impasse to be looked at with a different lens.
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2 unbending rods will never meet. But a third party can hold both and bring them closer together. That's counselling. |
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By *andSxxCouple 4 weeks ago
Birmingham |
Let's look at the possibilities.
1. You do what you want. Without his knowledge. When it turns out for him. He may be withdrawing from relationships.
2. You don't do what you want. You'll regret it months, years later. And you estrangement from him. It's the end of relationships again.
We have one life. Time is rushing. What passes cannot be done again.
First you have to think about what you really want to do.
What can you accept? And what is not.
Are you able to submit yourself completely and live the way he wants?
What is the limit of how far you can go?
If he get divorced from you, are you able to start a new life on your own?
How important are you to him?
Every couple has low points in their life together. (we also had them with mrs ) And you can only move forward with honesty, common agreement, and adaptation. This is the essence of a long relationship.
I suggest you make a "list." Your questions and answers.
When you're done with that. Then in a relaxed environment, for example with a delicious dinner, when no one is tired and there is enough time to talk you sit down and talk to him again. Do not make immediate decisions after the conversation. Give yourself a short period of time (1-2 days) to think and decide.
If you still can't move on. You have to make the final decision. |
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By *8on33Man 4 weeks ago
winfrith |
Strikes me you want different things and although you say you are committed are you ?You talk about regretting not doing something sexual but does not having her to live your life with is that not more important because ultimately that's what your regrets mean .So you go ahead and do all the things you didn't do when you were here will that fulfill your life more than having a partner ?You don't know that's your problem and that is life and in my case I regret nothing ,life is a rollercoaster you just have to live it . |
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It's up to you, it's your risk to take, fuck around and end up single & breaking the heart of the person you are supposed to love and trust.
Is it worth it? That what you have to ask yourself.
Personally I detest cheats I'd never condone it, hurting people isn't hot.
Keep talking and try and come to some compromise.
Mrs |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 4 weeks ago
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"Your partner sounds selfish and controlling. "
I wouldnt say she is at all.
I think we are just at differant points in life and want slightly differant things |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 4 weeks ago
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"It's up to you, it's your risk to take, fuck around and end up single & breaking the heart of the person you are supposed to love and trust.
Is it worth it? That what you have to ask yourself.
Personally I detest cheats I'd never condone it, hurting people isn't hot.
Keep talking and try and come to some compromise.
Mrs "
I really dont want to hurt her, at all. Id much rather we can come to some agreement.
I only want to do any playing if she is involved. Watching her recieve pleasure, my god just the thought of it turns me on. So her involvement is important. But she wont budge on what she wants and I still want to try things.
It seems impossible that we will ever agree at the minute |
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It is early morning, so I may have missed some important stuff, so throw take this with a big pinch of salt.
You say you came off here 2 years ago because you're in a relationship (a gay one), a discussion on swinging comes up, the last thing on your mind would be to go to an old flame fwb, fb or bf. No one invites an ex into a relationship, there's no reason to - it's 2 years ago. |
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By *AYENCouple 4 weeks ago
Lincolnshire |
Your relationship is still quite new, ask her if she would reconsider in the near or distant future - if she won't even give you that chink of light, then maybe she's too uncompromising and the relationship will ultimately struggle. K. |
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By *a LunaWoman 4 weeks ago
South Wales |
OP I realise you’ve left but if you still read this, here are my thoughts…
You had plenty of opportunity to act on your wants when you were single. But you didn’t, for whatever reason, and that’s fine.
You met someone. It’s serious. She makes you feel confident.
You now want to use her as a confidence crutch to try the things you didn’t last time around. But she doesn’t want to do it anymore, because she’s been there and done it.
So. Are you going to throw away a relationship (and let me be clear, good ones are hard to find) on the fact you want to try (again) your sexual wants.
It’s like looking at a cake display unable to make your mind up as to what cake you want, when at home you have the cake of all cakes, waiting for you.
You have to decide what is more important to you. Only you can decide that.
But please keep in mind, sometimes sexual experimentation sounds hot and sexy, but in reality it can be a bit of a let down. Not always, but there is that risk. |
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"I first came on fab back in 2015 / 2016 and since then I have never been able to stay away long. I delete my profile, then miss it and create another.
The last time I was on here 2 years ago I met my now partner.
She was part of a fwb couple wanting to try their first ffm.
Ultimately that didnt go ahead but me and her got close and are now together in a fairly serious relationship.
We both came off fab when we got together.
The dilemma I have is this, even though I was on here for years I was pretty boring and only had quick hook ups for 1 on 1 sex. I want to experience more. I want to have a 3sum, mfm, ffm. I want to try CNC, I would love a gangbang. I have attended parties in the past but never truly engaged. I want to have the full experience. The same as clubs. I have been to Jaydees twice, watched a friend play but never played myself. I was too self conscious and nervous. But I want to do it now.
I want to experience lots of other things before I get too much older. I dont want to ever regret not doing them.
My partner has had more experiences than me, her and her fwb had years of experimenting. They did pretty much everything they wanted so she is now content to settle down.
She wants to be monogamous. I have explained what I want, but she has no desire to be on the scene anymore. We have discussed it at length and she wont budge.
So, do I settle down and forget what I want or should I keep trying to have the experiences I want, but without her knowledge?
"
I will be frank, this is not that much a dilemma. You want different things, similar to how you list interests, and have preferences...You at different stages of your hedonistic journey, she has been there, done it, and now wants to put a lid on somethings, you, on the other hand, are still traveling. Do you settle for what you do not want or settle for what you want? I think you know the answer to this.  |
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