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Innuendo - a light relief ooooer!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My advice for various occasions.
SWIMMING POOL
Don’t be afraid of the water. The deeper you get the warmer it feels.
You shouldn’t just stand in the water shivering and should race a friend up the other end and back. I always feel much happier once I start going up and down.
Flippers can make things a little easier. When we first met my ex was very proud of her large pink pair, but now there shrivelled up and she wont get them out for me anymore.
Snorkelling is good fun too. I took my ex snorkelling but she doesn’t go down anymore because the end of my pipe came off in her mouth, and she couldn’t get rid of the salty taste for days.
PREPARING BREAKFAST
Swimming gives you a good appetite and a good light meal is omelette and toast. Personally I like two slices of toast and my ex used to spread them on the kitchen table ready for when I got back.
Make sure your other half is awake and prepares your meal before you get home. I got mine an alarm clock with a big shiny red bell on the top, but no matter how much she fiddled with it she couldn’t get it to go off.
Start with the omelette. Break two eggs into a dish. Beat it quickly until it’s stiff and stands up on its own.
Perhaps grate some cheddar to go with it. Rub it up and down briskly till the cheese comes out of the end.
Time when you add the butter. Always wait until it’s nice and hot before you slip your nob in.
My ex went back to the old fashioned solid fuel ranges. She used to insist I gave hers a good poking last thing at night or I didn’t get my breakfast.
Most people use microwave ovens. You just pop it in and a minute later the bell rings and it comes out steaming hot.
A liquidiser will save you loads of work making the omelette mixture but remember to fix the lid on firmly. The first time I got mine out my ex turned it on and the stuff shot out of the top and stuck to the ceiling. It took ages to get the sticky mess out of her hair.
Some people like to finish breakfast with a piece of fruit. My ex used to enjoy finishing off with a banana. I liked to keep it fresh and kept it in a Tupperware container. I used to take it in one hand and peeled back the skin as far as it would go and pop it in her box.
Make sure you test how hot the omelette is before eating. Take my tip and blow on it before you put it in your mouth.
CHRISTMAS TREES
Step 1. If your going to have one make sure it’s a big one.
Step 2. If it wont go through the front door then you may have to take it up the back passage.
Step 3. Don’t be afraid to give it a good pull or to push it in.
Step 4. After you get it up you’ll sometimes find there’s a good six inches to play with or there’s a bare bottom for all to see. Cover this up with festive paper. You’ll probably have some that you left in the car as most people have a few rolls on the back seat around that time of year. If your friends have no paper feel free to slip them a length.
Step 5. Do watch out for pine needles in your pile. Hover them up as everyone likes a nice shag on the carpet.
More helpful tips coming soon... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Innuendo Advice part 2
LEARNING TO DRIVE/DRIVING TEST
Take note Kitty!!!
Take ever opportunity to practice and get a friend to take you our for a quick one in their car.
Before setting off check your car. Visibility is most important and it’s a well known fact compiled by the MOT that women like their headlamps rubbed at least once a week.
Inspect each tyre for signs of wear or low pressure. Remember, the harder it is the more comfortable your ride will be.
Keep your car undercover in bad weather. Your flaps will get wet and messy, so give them a wipe after you take it out.
Summer driving is very nice, especially if your lucky to have a soft top. Personally there’s nothing I like better than having it off on a sunny day.
Start the vehicle. If the engine struggles use the choke. Grasp the knob and pull it out. Once you have her warmed up you can push it all the way in.
Don’t pull off too quickly or you may have an accident.
Do not be distracted by people wanting lifts. I was once giving a lovely woman one when I pulled out too early. There was an awful big bang and an awful mess.
Before I learnt to drive a car I rode a bike. The first time I did it was in a field when I was 15. I went down a bumpy ride track and I came off after three bounces.
Remember, steering is a difficult and the faster you go the harder it gets. Try to keep your hands firmly on the rim.
If your car is approaching standing traffic see if you can slip it through the narrow gap.
Modern small cars are the easiest to manoeuvre but I used to have a long one; I remember I got it stuck between a pair of Bristols….nice old car that.
When it comes to your test make the atmosphere better by buying a car related gift for the instructor. I’m sure he would be happy if you gave him the horn first thing in the morning. Just give the end a squeeze. Some like to give it a blow when no one is looking!
Always take spares in case you break down. My ex always had spares in her car but I don’t get the chance to get my hands on her parts anymore. There should be a collapsible red warning triangle in the boot. Get it out, erect it and show it to passing motorists.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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CAMPING/CARAVAN HOLIDAYS
Make sure you pack all the luggage you need safely within the car boot. Some people have equipment of various sizes but you can always find a gap to put it in.
Make sure you have remembered some leisure related items. A great favourite of mine is a kite but I often find I don’t get the chance to take it out yet alone get it up. It usually needs quite a breeze for it to work and I’d be lucky to get a stiff one.
When arriving at the camp site you’ll need to set up the tent. Find a spot to erect it and make sure it will fit.
Examine the ground for lumps or things like thistles. My ex lay on one for a few nights and had more pricks than I had hot dinners.
A caravan is a nice way to camp but towing it can be tricky. Its larger than im used to and it takes quite a bit of pulling.
If you have forgotten anything do ask around and borrow someone else’s. On our last trip my ex forgot to pack a stove and she had to ask this young guy camping next door. He brought it over and asked my ex to open her flaps a little so he could pop it in.
A camp fire is a must as it gives you warmth and the chance to cook but do get someone to help you look for some wood and chop it up. Get them to hold the shaft of your chopper firmly with both hands to avoid an unexpected mess.
After amassing the wood you must light it. The best way is to get hold of two sticks. Rub the ends together, do it briskly or nothing will happen.
If your at the seaside then cooking sea food over the fire is a must. My ex loved the taste of a good cockle or winkle. Also you can brew a cup of tea using the fire. I always prefer milk with mine and the ex always said that if I wanted some she’d nip back to the tent and get her jugs out.
Back to the kite I mentioned earlier. Flying a kite on the beach is best to as the wind is strongest there. My ex and I had box kites and I often took hers out when I was at a loose end. Remember if it starts to droop pull on it a bit and it will be straight up again. Keep a firm hand on your end because if you allow your mind to wander it’ll go slack. If you allow it to drop in the sea then I advise drying off the wood. It goes all salty and the end splits - mind you I’ve played with my ex’s box and I’ve dipped it in a few times! |
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lol xx