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First proper date
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Jeez, I had my first proper date for what seems to be a very long time.
Over the years I have been recovering from cancer or, over the past year pretty terrible mental health problems but, I was persuaded by some friends to give tinder ago. So how did it go.....
Well awkward. I'm a shy person at first until I get to know someone and I feel comfortable enough to be myself. Through the entire thing I was just thinking " be normal" and "don't mention anything about why I'm single" and it was just a boring mess. Entirely my fault as I just felt out of my depth.
The poor lass did text afterwards and say she did feel that I was anxious but not for her. Which to be fair, I get.
Dating in your 40s is harder than I thought. I have also realised maybe I'm not quite ready yet for dating and tinder.
The other issue, if you can call it an issue is based around sex. Now I'm not the type of person who can just have sex with out really knowing someone first, like I said above I need to really know someone to feel comfortable around them and that can take sometime. What I suppose I'm worried about is if I met someone and liked them but not comfortable enough to jump between the sheets just yet, would that be to my own determent as I can understand how for some ladies this could be an issue? Would you be understanding if you were put in this situation? |
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By (user no longer on site) 8 weeks ago
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That's the whole point of dating, it's a slow process getting to know each other and the right people will be understanding of that. Hooking up is different as there's an understanding that you move to the sheets at a quicker pace but dating is whenever you both feel ready.
If I'm not jumping the gun when it comes to sex, I will know I'm taking someone seriously and genuinely want to get to know them first. Personally I think that's better to do before sex gets involved. Dating at any age is tough but don't be disheartened, just take the experience and lessons for next time. |
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I would be understanding in this sort of situation. I have done a couple of T*nder dates, I tend to get nervous and waffle on way too much...
It's very difficult on T*nder to determine what the other party is actually looking for. To be honest I have ended most of my conversations lately because all the blokes were interested I was a shag .. |
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"That's the whole point of dating, it's a slow process getting to know each other and the right people will be understanding of that. Hooking up is different as there's an understanding that you move to the sheets at a quicker pace but dating is whenever you both feel ready.
If I'm not jumping the gun when it comes to sex, I will know I'm taking someone seriously and genuinely want to get to know them first. Personally I think that's better to do before sex gets involved. Dating at any age is tough but don't be disheartened, just take the experience and lessons for next time. "
The problem with T*nder though, is the vast majority of men are using it to "hook up" not date. That's my personal experience anyway.. |
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I have trouble gauging what people generally want anyway, I have autism and the amount of times in my younger days my friends had told me that a lass I was talking to was into me and I was totally oblivious. |
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You probably had a lot riding in that first date and it's really understandable.
Think of it a just breaking the ice though. You've got the awkward first one out of the way and the next one will be easier.
That's the dating game. Fair play for taking the leap and putting yourself out there. It's not easy. It does get easier though.
I do my tinder dates the same way I do fab socials. A coffee or a stroll for an hour. |
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By (user no longer on site) 8 weeks ago
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Unfortunately we are in an age where below average Women can get above average men. This means that any men that class themselves as 'average' will find it very difficult to find a suitable mate, as all the above average men are nailing the ones they 'used' to be able to date (& in turn giving below average Woman a skewed confidence boost that see men they match with as not worth their time. |
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"That's the whole point of dating, it's a slow process getting to know each other and the right people will be understanding of that. Hooking up is different as there's an understanding that you move to the sheets at a quicker pace but dating is whenever you both feel ready.
If I'm not jumping the gun when it comes to sex, I will know I'm taking someone seriously and genuinely want to get to know them first. Personally I think that's better to do before sex gets involved. Dating at any age is tough but don't be disheartened, just take the experience and lessons for next time.
The problem with T*nder though, is the vast majority of men are using it to "hook up" not date. That's my personal experience anyway.."
I've had enough tinder dates to know that many ladies are on there for a free dinner and to get a certain itch scratched. It's really demoralising. |
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To be honest I'm the same as you, I need to know the person, like the person enough to want to sleep with them, that is incredibly hard on sites like this because a lot want to fuck immediately & it's not me.
I can't help in terms of dating but I don't think not wanting sex immediately is a bad thing, the amount of sex chat women receive on the 1st few messages is ridiculous, you are probably a breath of fresh air in an otherwise littered with sex messages.
There's women's groups that show the mens messages online and my god I'd hate to be dating right now because of the presumptions many men have.
People who want a real relationship will look for just that like you.
Don't worry at all you'll do fine maybe explain upfront if it helps.
Mrs |
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"Unfortunately we are in an age where below average Women can get above average men. This means that any men that class themselves as 'average' will find it very difficult to find a suitable mate, as all the above average men are nailing the ones they 'used' to be able to date (& in turn giving below average Woman a skewed confidence boost that see men they match with as not worth their time."
What on earth has this got to do with the price of fish??
The OP talked about him and his own level of confidence and suchlike. Perhaps focussing on the matters raised, rather than digressing on some "it's the wimminz fault" waffle would be a good idea? |
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"I have trouble gauging what people generally want anyway, I have autism and the amount of times in my younger days my friends had told me that a lass I was talking to was into me and I was totally oblivious."
You've put yourself out there, which in itself is a daunting thing to do. All you can do on a date is be yourself. People are probably not genuinely compatible with many other people, if it's a genuine relationship you want, rather than a hook-up. And presumably you only want to date people you're compatible with.
It takes time. And being autistic brings its own challenges, we know that.
You're also in a pretty small part of the world, so geography might not be your friend in having lots of potentially compatible people on dating apps etc.
Just keep trying and meeting people (if you're happy to do so) and try to treat the dates like a day/night out, just with company. Find something to do other than just sit at a table because it puts a lot of pressure on to create conversation. Maybe try a date with experience within, such as bowling or something like that, something fun that might allow conversation to develop naturally rather than feeling forced to fill silences etc. |
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I've no experience of tinder but you hear of either serial daters - those that go on 140 dates in 200 days and think nothing of it, or serial shaggers. I suppose if you want to date without the sex being foremost in peoples minds, there are probably other more tailored sites out there. |
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"Unfortunately we are in an age where below average Women can get above average men. This means that any men that class themselves as 'average' will find it very difficult to find a suitable mate, as all the above average men are nailing the ones they 'used' to be able to date (& in turn giving below average Woman a skewed confidence boost that see men they match with as not worth their time."
Say what now  |
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Without sounding like a total wet rag here but the one thing I like is banter and the ability to talk absolute shite about absolutely anything. If a lass can do that then that helps massively.
It's strange how out experiences change who we are as we get older. When I was younger and in the army I was full of confidence and the thought of a one night stand or casual sex was a good thing. |
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"Unfortunately we are in an age where below average Women can get above average men. This means that any men that class themselves as 'average' will find it very difficult to find a suitable mate, as all the above average men are nailing the ones they 'used' to be able to date (& in turn giving below average Woman a skewed confidence boost that see men they match with as not worth their time."
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This made no sense to me whatsoever. It couldn't be any more incongruous to the OP's thread. |
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Yup, I am situated in the middle of nowhere. I appreciate the advise. I have had a couple of PMs after writing this post and have come to the understand that most men treat tinder like a hook up service and that a lot of women on tinder are quite sceptical and careful when it comes to tinder and understably so. So I think like you have said I'm going to give this dating stuff a different approach. |
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"Unfortunately we are in an age where below average Women can get above average men. This means that any men that class themselves as 'average' will find it very difficult to find a suitable mate, as all the above average men are nailing the ones they 'used' to be able to date (& in turn giving below average Woman a skewed confidence boost that see men they match with as not worth their time.
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This made no sense to me whatsoever. It couldn't be any more incongruous to the OP's thread."
Sounds like someone had been watching far too much redpill nonsense on YouTube. Absolute brainrot. |
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Mate. Dating is hard. So hard. Don’t let it get to you too much. If you wanna try again just be honest about being nervous and make it a walk in a pretty park date, end at a coffee shop if you get on ok. Don’t worry about the other stuff, just let it happen naturally when it’s supposed to be make sure to check in with each other just to see where you both think things are, communication is key  |
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"Unfortunately we are in an age where below average Women can get above average men. This means that any men that class themselves as 'average' will find it very difficult to find a suitable mate, as all the above average men are nailing the ones they 'used' to be able to date (& in turn giving below average Woman a skewed confidence boost that see men they match with as not worth their time.
·
This made no sense to me whatsoever. It couldn't be any more incongruous to the OP's thread."
I would agree, utter tosh |
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Plenty of pre meet chat is the way forward. Get to know a little about them and recall those things so if the convo goes a little flat you can bring them up. The fortunate thing about meeting someone new is given the opportunity they will talk about their passions, work, family. So rather than being shy, consider yourself an active listener. Food & travel are always solid topics if you're struggling to think of anything else |
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"That's the whole point of dating, it's a slow process getting to know each other and the right people will be understanding of that. Hooking up is different as there's an understanding that you move to the sheets at a quicker pace but dating is whenever you both feel ready.
If I'm not jumping the gun when it comes to sex, I will know I'm taking someone seriously and genuinely want to get to know them first. Personally I think that's better to do before sex gets involved. Dating at any age is tough but don't be disheartened, just take the experience and lessons for next time.
The problem with T*nder though, is the vast majority of men are using it to "hook up" not date. That's my personal experience anyway.."
I would agree. Years ago when I decided that dating as a single parent to very young kids wasn't practical so I did a lot of hooking up (which was far more practical with the limited kid free time I had). I found T*nder and OK Cupid was a successful place for this (not Fab but then there's a whole hook up market outside of the swinger scene). I tended to find most women I connected with on t*nder were either looking to hook up or looking for either (often single parents in the same boat). So my experience of t*nder was a lot of the women there all recognise the app more as a causal hook up site than a serious dating site. Also OK cupid was good because people can openly state their intrest in causal hook ups and you can match on sexaul preferences and tastes.
So yes I think the T*nder app is more of a hook up app in most people's mind. |
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By *8on33Man 8 weeks ago
winfrith |
"Jeez, I had my first proper date for what seems to be a very long time.
Over the years I have been recovering from cancer or, over the past year pretty terrible mental health problems but, I was persuaded by some friends to give tinder ago. So how did it go.....
Well awkward. I'm a shy person at first until I get to know someone and I feel comfortable enough to be myself. Through the entire thing I was just thinking " be normal" and "don't mention anything about why I'm single" and it was just a boring mess. Entirely my fault as I just felt out of my depth.
The poor lass did text afterwards and say she did feel that I was anxious but not for her. Which to be fair, I get.
Dating in your 40s is harder than I thought. I have also realised maybe I'm not quite ready yet for dating and tinder.
The other issue, if you can call it an issue is based around sex. Now I'm not the type of person who can just have sex with out really knowing someone first, like I said above I need to really know someone to feel comfortable around them and that can take sometime. What I suppose I'm worried about is if I met someone and liked them but not comfortable enough to jump between the sheets just yet, would that be to my own determent as I can understand how for some ladies this could be an issue? Would you be understanding if you were put in this situation?"
Dont go for the ones who just want sex NSA go for the relationship types . |
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"Yup, I am situated in the middle of nowhere. I appreciate the advise. I have had a couple of PMs after writing this post and have come to the understand that most men treat tinder like a hook up service and that a lot of women on tinder are quite sceptical and careful when it comes to tinder and understably so. So I think like you have said I'm going to give this dating stuff a different approach."
Hey I live up here as well wherever this is in the middle of nowhere isn't it great |
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By (user no longer on site) 8 weeks ago
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"Jeez, I had my first proper date for what seems to be a very long time.
Over the years I have been recovering from cancer or, over the past year pretty terrible mental health problems but, I was persuaded by some friends to give tinder ago. So how did it go.....
Well awkward. I'm a shy person at first until I get to know someone and I feel comfortable enough to be myself. Through the entire thing I was just thinking " be normal" and "don't mention anything about why I'm single" and it was just a boring mess. Entirely my fault as I just felt out of my depth.
The poor lass did text afterwards and say she did feel that I was anxious but not for her. Which to be fair, I get.
Dating in your 40s is harder than I thought. I have also realised maybe I'm not quite ready yet for dating and tinder.
The other issue, if you can call it an issue is based around sex. Now I'm not the type of person who can just have sex with out really knowing someone first, like I said above I need to really know someone to feel comfortable around them and that can take sometime. What I suppose I'm worried about is if I met someone and liked them but not comfortable enough to jump between the sheets just yet, would that be to my own determent as I can understand how for some ladies this could be an issue? Would you be understanding if you were put in this situation?"
Whatever about dating in your 40's ...wait for the 50's 🫣🫣🫣...the pool is small...very very small...well l think anyway. |
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