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Hotwifing going too far
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Husband of a hotwife I have had regular contact with has told me how his life is spinning out of control. His wife has always been encouraged to play and he loves it. The question is when does it go too far, she has now started changing dynamics without discussions or permission from hubby. She meets without his agreement or involvement and when he asks to be there she says no. They have a young family and he loves his wife. Seems to me it’s just moved into cheating with his knowledge. |
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He has been also relegated to clean up duties also and no access to her. He was comfortable and happy with hotwife/stag but now it’s changed into very much cuckold and her dominant but they never spoke about it and he’s unsure what to do, his words were “I’ve no say anymore”. |
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"He has been also relegated to clean up duties also and no access to her. He was comfortable and happy with hotwife/stag but now it’s changed into very much cuckold and her dominant but they never spoke about it and he’s unsure what to do, his words were “I’ve no say anymore”."
Sounds like abusive behaviour, rather than just cheating. Is there any way you could help him, OP? |
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"He has been also relegated to clean up duties also and no access to her. He was comfortable and happy with hotwife/stag but now it’s changed into very much cuckold and her dominant but they never spoke about it and he’s unsure what to do, his words were “I’ve no say anymore”.
Sounds like abusive behaviour, rather than just cheating. Is there any way you could help him, OP? "
I have been his sounding board and I did advise him a little to say that this maybe considered abusive, but he says he loves her and is not even remotely thinking of leaving her. |
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"He has been also relegated to clean up duties also and no access to her. He was comfortable and happy with hotwife/stag but now it’s changed into very much cuckold and her dominant but they never spoke about it and he’s unsure what to do, his words were “I’ve no say anymore”."
Yeah that’s abuse. Flip the genders and see how different it all sounds. He needs to leave immediately. |
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"He has been also relegated to clean up duties also and no access to her. He was comfortable and happy with hotwife/stag but now it’s changed into very much cuckold and her dominant but they never spoke about it and he’s unsure what to do, his words were “I’ve no say anymore”.
Sounds like abusive behaviour, rather than just cheating. Is there any way you could help him, OP?
I have been his sounding board and I did advise him a little to say that this maybe considered abusive, but he says he loves her and is not even remotely thinking of leaving her. "
Maybe see if he will speak to someone from a domestic abuse charity... not sure if you could arrange it in such a way as he just sees them as offering relationship advice.
Abused partners usually do still love their other half's, making it difficult for them to make the break. Losing the security of a relationship, even an abusive one, is a difficult thing. |
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"Sounds like he's feeding you this tale while he's working his penis into a frenzy about it"
Your suspicions are tbh what I would suspect also. The difference is that I have been involved with them in person also. I don’t doubt him that this is happening. But I do agree that he finds it perversely exciting and that’s why he won’t walk away. |
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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From a swinging perspective, I guess the whole point is meant to be about open communication and mutual understanding with clear boundaries which she is clearly taking advantage of and he needs to weigh up the options on whether his love for her is worth what she's putting him through.
If was you though OP, I'd probably cut off all contact. It sounds harsh, but not your circus, not your monkeys. |
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"Sounds like he's feeding you this tale while he's working his penis into a frenzy about it
Your suspicions are tbh what I would suspect also. The difference is that I have been involved with them in person also. I don’t doubt him that this is happening. But I do agree that he finds it perversely exciting and that’s why he won’t walk away."
In which case, he probably doesn't need help and serms to be getting what he didn't realise he wanted. |
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"Sounds like he's feeding you this tale while he's working his penis into a frenzy about it
Your suspicions are tbh what I would suspect also. The difference is that I have been involved with them in person also. I don’t doubt him that this is happening. But I do agree that he finds it perversely exciting and that’s why he won’t walk away.
In which case, he probably doesn't need help and serms to be getting what he didn't realise he wanted."
If a guy started treating his wife to bdsm because he knows deep down she desires it.. I expect he would end up behind bars.. kinda similar rationale |
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"Sounds like he's feeding you this tale while he's working his penis into a frenzy about it
Your suspicions are tbh what I would suspect also. The difference is that I have been involved with them in person also. I don’t doubt him that this is happening. But I do agree that he finds it perversely exciting and that’s why he won’t walk away."
He may not have a choice in that OP if she finds a replacement for him... |
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"Husband of a hotwife I have had regular contact with has told me how his life is spinning out of control. His wife has always been encouraged to play and he loves it. The question is when does it go too far, she has now started changing dynamics without discussions or permission from hubby. She meets without his agreement or involvement and when he asks to be there she says no. They have a young family and he loves his wife. Seems to me it’s just moved into cheating with his knowledge."
as a couple who's into hot wife/ cuckold we set a rule that we are always together I think the husband needs to talk to her and tell her that he ain't happy with the situation
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"Sounds like he's feeding you this tale while he's working his penis into a frenzy about it"
If the OP was female and talking about a husband who was ignoring his female partner would you be so dismissive? |
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For what it is worth OP I think he needs to talk to his wife about what is happening. If she continues on the course you have outlined then he has a fairly blunt decision to make - does he accept it or does he fight/move on. Only he can make that decision. |
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Tell him to sign up to every dating app there is, get some meets, even if social, go the whole sugar daddy bit if necessary. Tell her it's her turn to mind the kids and head out no answers given. It doesn't even matter if he's not got a meet, if he's an idea of days she's usually in late or going out, he just get's in the car and get's to the cinema, pub, mates house, wherever |
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"Tell him to sign up to every dating app there is, get some meets, even if social, go the whole sugar daddy bit if necessary. Tell her it's her turn to mind the kids and head out no answers given. It doesn't even matter if he's not got a meet, if he's an idea of days she's usually in late or going out, he just get's in the car and get's to the cinema, pub, mates house, wherever "
You’ve reminded me that that was one of the things he was going crazy over, she had gone out to meet guys when the kids were home and he was in work. Basically left them to their own devices. Not very young mind you but young enough that they shouldn’t be on their own for extended amounts of time.. |
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"Tell him to sign up to every dating app there is, get some meets, even if social, go the whole sugar daddy bit if necessary. Tell her it's her turn to mind the kids and head out no answers given. It doesn't even matter if he's not got a meet, if he's an idea of days she's usually in late or going out, he just get's in the car and get's to the cinema, pub, mates house, wherever
You’ve reminded me that that was one of the things he was going crazy over, she had gone out to meet guys when the kids were home and he was in work. Basically left them to their own devices. Not very young mind you but young enough that they shouldn’t be on their own for extended amounts of time.."
Ahh well then. I would have said, no one would invite a meet round under their kids nose when the other half is out, but you saying that... They either need therapy or divorce. |
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"Sounds like he's feeding you this tale while he's working his penis into a frenzy about it
If the OP was female and talking about a husband who was ignoring his female partner would you be so dismissive?"
I think I've been realistic rather than dismissive |
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"Husband of a hotwife I have had regular contact with has told me how his life is spinning out of control. His wife has always been encouraged to play and he loves it. The question is when does it go too far, she has now started changing dynamics without discussions or permission from hubby. She meets without his agreement or involvement and when he asks to be there she says no. They have a young family and he loves his wife. Seems to me it’s just moved into cheating with his knowledge."
Sounds like she’s going be kicked out sooner rather than later once he has enough of her bollocks
Or he is going to find a woman of his own and just engage in that 1 on 1 much more |
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I hope he wakes up to the scenario.. and I think most agree with me here that any couple enjoying hotwife or any dynamic of play is that they both agree with it. And one taking advantage should be not just a red flag but to end relationships when things go too far. |
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By *8on33Man 10 weeks ago
winfrith |
"Husband of a hotwife I have had regular contact with has told me how his life is spinning out of control. His wife has always been encouraged to play and he loves it. The question is when does it go too far, she has now started changing dynamics without discussions or permission from hubby. She meets without his agreement or involvement and when he asks to be there she says no. They have a young family and he loves his wife. Seems to me it’s just moved into cheating with his knowledge."
He's doomed lead her not into temptation.
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By *ee04Man 10 weeks ago
Essex |
When I was with my ex we were swingers and had a lot of fun but it was always equal and nothing the other didn’t want.
Had a friend who kept wanting to get involved, eventually I relented and said him and his wife could attend a party at ours. His wife was hesitant I told him they both had to want it or it wouldn’t work. They attended he freaked out and left the next day leaving his wife. She came to a lot more parties after.
It’s not for everyone and when it stops becoming fun for all involved it’s time to tap out. |
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If this situation is as you portray it, then this is a very serious situation.
Breaking agreed boundaries with no word, moving and changing the dynamic without discussing it and abandoning the children are all relationship deal breakers.
In the other side of it, he needs to be able to talk, discuss and air these issues with her and feel heard. It sounds as though they both need to do some work |
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I have seen so many relationships in swinging that fall by the wayside when one starts changing the dynamics to suit themselves without regard to the partner
Sounds to me like that one is heading the same way |
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"Husband of a hotwife I have had regular contact with has told me how his life is spinning out of control. His wife has always been encouraged to play and he loves it. The question is when does it go too far, she has now started changing dynamics without discussions or permission from hubby. She meets without his agreement or involvement and when he asks to be there she says no. They have a young family and he loves his wife. Seems to me it’s just moved into cheating with his knowledge."
I had a similar problem with my ex. Hence ex  |
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"Husband of a hotwife I have had regular contact with has told me how his life is spinning out of control. His wife has always been encouraged to play and he loves it. The question is when does it go too far, she has now started changing dynamics without discussions or permission from hubby. She meets without his agreement or involvement and when he asks to be there she says no. They have a young family and he loves his wife. Seems to me it’s just moved into cheating with his knowledge.
I had a similar problem with my ex. Hence ex "
Put your foot down and good for you..  |
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"I have seen so many relationships in swinging that fall by the wayside when one starts changing the dynamics to suit themselves without regard to the partner
Sounds to me like that one is heading the same way "
It’s been this way for a while and without telling him what to do, as it’s his life, I’d be advising him to stick to what he thinks is right. But agreed I think it might be going to finish and he’s just struggling with it. |
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By *8on33Man 10 weeks ago
winfrith |
"This sounds horribly abusive "
Really in what way ,they both chose to enter into it only she loved it more ,are you saying hes being abused ?Nobody is abused it was all choice unfortunately the guy has lucked out .
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"Husband of a hotwife I have had regular contact with has told me how his life is spinning out of control. His wife has always been encouraged to play and he loves it. The question is when does it go too far, she has now started changing dynamics without discussions or permission from hubby. She meets without his agreement or involvement and when he asks to be there she says no. They have a young family and he loves his wife. Seems to me it’s just moved into cheating with his knowledge."
How would you describe your relationship woth the wife and what sense you get from her directly rather than the husbands perception of whats happening to him ? |
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By *irldnCouple 10 weeks ago
Brighton |
Some of the comments on this thread 
If it was the other way around they’d be outcry not “oh he was asking for it!”
No he wasn’t. There should be rules and boundaries to ensure everyone remains happy with the situation. She has broken them. He needs to speak up before it becomes accepted behaviour.
And/or discuss whether they (and particularly he) do in fact enjoy cuckold. He says it is a bit exciting. Most things are in small doses, but they need to discuss if that is an ongoing change to the dynamic they both sign up to. If not then they either agree to stop or go their separate ways. |
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It doesn't matter what the situation is, if the relationship isn't right for the people involved, only they can communicate and decide on their actions/outcome. If someone is unhappy in their relationship, they need to talk. |
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By *rRiosMan 10 weeks ago
dublin |
"This sounds horribly abusive Really in what way ,they both chose to enter into it only she loved it more ,are you saying hes being abused ?Nobody is abused it was all choice unfortunately the guy has lucked out ."
This is a wild take on the situation presented! |
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"Husband of a hotwife I have had regular contact with has told me how his life is spinning out of control. His wife has always been encouraged to play and he loves it. The question is when does it go too far, she has now started changing dynamics without discussions or permission from hubby. She meets without his agreement or involvement and when he asks to be there she says no. They have a young family and he loves his wife. Seems to me it’s just moved into cheating with his knowledge.
How would you describe your relationship woth the wife and what sense you get from her directly rather than the husbands perception of whats happening to him ? "
I only met them a couple of times but the hubby arranges all, or at least he used to. She seems pretty straightforward and matter of fact but didn’t get much sense of what her game was. Transactional is what I would say with her. But I don’t think it’s a perception of his about the current scenario, he tells me facts. I do try and give an outsiders view and hopefully it helps, seems the biggest part that’s missing is the open dialogue. |
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"This sounds horribly abusive Really in what way ,they both chose to enter into it only she loved it more ,are you saying hes being abused ?Nobody is abused it was all choice unfortunately the guy has lucked out .
This is a wild take on the situation presented! "
100% |
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"Some of the comments on this thread
If it was the other way around they’d be outcry not “oh he was asking for it!”
No he wasn’t. There should be rules and boundaries to ensure everyone remains happy with the situation. She has broken them. He needs to speak up before it becomes accepted behaviour.
And/or discuss whether they (and particularly he) do in fact enjoy cuckold. He says it is a bit exciting. Most things are in small doses, but they need to discuss if that is an ongoing change to the dynamic they both sign up to. If not then they either agree to stop or go their separate ways."
It is the way of the world unfortunately but poor behaviours towards males is somehow tolerated much more than if the exact same scenario was a female. Everyone can agree on bad behaviour but the views change so much when you place “he” with “she” it’s either trying to get a rise or some people just have funny attitudes and change views as determined by gender. |
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By *vaRose43Woman 10 weeks ago
Forest of Dean |
"This sounds horribly abusive Really in what way ,they both chose to enter into it only she loved it more ,are you saying hes being abused ?Nobody is abused it was all choice unfortunately the guy has lucked out ."
And then she ignored all the boundaries and moved all the goalposts without mutual communication or consent. |
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If he truly doesn't want this to continue, he has to tell her and be prepared to break up (at least temporarily) if she carries on.
I had a long affair with a woman who was the subject of domestic (emotional) abuse and so far, I'd say his experience is below that threshold. But she's certainly taking advantage of him as long as he doesn't stand up for himself. |
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"If he truly doesn't want this to continue, he has to tell her and be prepared to break up (at least temporarily) if she carries on.
I had a long affair with a woman who was the subject of domestic (emotional) abuse and so far, I'd say his experience is below that threshold. But she's certainly taking advantage of him as long as he doesn't stand up for himself."
What if the wife in this thread is actually going through the same thing as the woman in your situation
After all its not every man who persuades his wife to fuck other guys |
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"Do as I do welcome it and embrace your gay/bi side and enjoy other men too. Jeez nothing better than being fucked by the man that has fucked your wife"
Seriously have no idea how this comment is relevant but anyhoo |
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"I have seen so many relationships in swinging that fall by the wayside when one starts changing the dynamics to suit themselves without regard to the partner
Sounds to me like that one is heading the same way
It’s been this way for a while and without telling him what to do, as it’s his life, I’d be advising him to stick to what he thinks is right. But agreed I think it might be going to finish and he’s just struggling with it."
I’d advise him to subtly start talking to a solicitor and get prepared for a worse case plan. |
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By *j2015Couple 10 weeks ago
Glasgow |
Completely agree. No one needs more drama. Honestly the hardest part about hotwifing is saying no to your wife. But if your not prepared to disappoint your partner by saying no you shouldn’t be swinging (our personal view only).
Cant imagine that “no” not being accepted though horrible situation but hotwifing didn’t cause this. It just showed the kind of person they are. |
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Tbh I didn’t mean to implicate or demonise Hotwife play at all. It’s my fav and all couples that play that way are exceptional, this situation (which I’m staying clear of) is when communication breaks down and that’s what I wanted to highlight here. Also the last update is that he agrees with me about speaking with her. They are off on a family holiday and he will bring it up. Who knows where that will end up. |
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"I have seen so many relationships in swinging that fall by the wayside when one starts changing the dynamics to suit themselves without regard to the partner
Sounds to me like that one is heading the same way "
Scarlet on the money here, a classic tale of a woman freed from the constraints of a monogamous marriage, maybe the husband is a guy that she slightly regrets marrying, doesn’t excite her but provides a comfortable life… she’s becoming emboldened, empowered.. the realisation of her sexual attraction and power over other men… being desired… able to enact sexual fantasies..
Hotwifing / cuckolding can be very destructive if there’s weakness in the partner pair bond. It sounds like it’s going to be very hard to wind that one back in and recover. |
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Saw a similar situation with a guy I worked with back in the 90s, in the days of contact mags (remember those?!). He was happy for her to go solo initially, he’d sometimes go and watch or take part, other times stay at home and she’d often ring him from a hotel and give him a commentary of some random guy screwing her.
Over time she got a bit out of control, craved more and more sex, was seeing guys every day and had to leave a steady job after taking so much time off for meets.
He didn’t see the full picture that was emerging right in front of him and it got very messy when he did finally latch on to it. |
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"Why during the holiday break and bring the kids even more into their drama possibly spoiling it for them? This is fucked up."
Don’t know why and not my call. Only advised him to speak his mind and it’s up to him after that. |
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By *rRiosMan 10 weeks ago
dublin |
"Husband of a hotwife I have had regular contact with
Has the contact with the wife has stopped? Is this situation the reason? Did you tell her that is why? "
If you are still sleeping with the wife while offering a sympathetic ear to the husband you are not helping the situation and I feel that is despicable behavior |
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"Tbh I didn’t mean to implicate or demonise Hotwife play at all. It’s my fav and all couples that play that way are exceptional, this situation (which I’m staying clear of) is when communication breaks down and that’s what I wanted to highlight here. Also the last update is that he agrees with me about speaking with her. They are off on a family holiday and he will bring it up. Who knows where that will end up. "
At least he's communicating plenty with you |
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"Husband of a hotwife I have had regular contact with
Has the contact with the wife has stopped? Is this situation the reason? Did you tell her that is why?
If you are still sleeping with the wife while offering a sympathetic ear to the husband you are not helping the situation and I feel that is despicable behavior"
Well apart from your feelings being important etc.. it’s a conclusion you are incorrect to assume. |
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"Tbh I didn’t mean to implicate or demonise Hotwife play at all. It’s my fav and all couples that play that way are exceptional, this situation (which I’m staying clear of) is when communication breaks down and that’s what I wanted to highlight here. Also the last update is that he agrees with me about speaking with her. They are off on a family holiday and he will bring it up. Who knows where that will end up.
At least he's communicating plenty with you "
I try to listen is mostly what I offer him and a chance to unload, his woes. |
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