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Solo poly/relationship anarchy
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory.
Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence.
What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression.
I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 |
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Nell I totally this. I’ve done the combining assets and homes a couple of times now once involving marriage and others not.
It’s such hassle unpicking it and I can’t see myself ever doing it again but that doesn’t mean I’d never enter into another relationship. |
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I think nesting polyamory is a struggle for most that attempt it.
The only successful poly couples I’ve ever known, there’s been a few, have had separate living arrangements. Non-nesting.
There’s a struggle to balance the day to day living arrangements of the best partner with the fun side of the poly partner. |
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory.
Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence.
What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression.
I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 "
4 cats here 🤣 |
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Oh absolutely.
I tried to force myself into that living together codependent horror we're all supposed to want. It was the worst 7 years of my life.
Now I live alone, apart from the mutt. I have loving relationships with people I adore and miss when they're not around. And I like that missing, that longing. It's a big part of the dynamic for me.
I have my independence and freedom. I know that every moment shared with the people that matter to me is a moment wr have both chosen to spend together because we want to, not out of obligation or convenience.
Solo poly is absolutely the way for me 💜 |
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"Nell I totally this. I’ve done the combining assets and homes a couple of times now once involving marriage and others not.
It’s such hassle unpicking it and I can’t see myself ever doing it again but that doesn’t mean I’d never enter into another relationship. "
Yep, same story here, Crimson.
I'm not ready for a relationship yet after the last one ended, but if/when I am it makes me a bit sad that it'll be really hard to find someone(s) who will be content with never living together. People will see it as a relationship that's "not going anywhere", or isn't real love, that I don't love them enough.
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"I think nesting polyamory is a struggle for most that attempt it.
The only successful poly couples I’ve ever known, there’s been a few, have had separate living arrangements. Non-nesting.
There’s a struggle to balance the day to day living arrangements of the best partner with the fun side of the poly partner. "
This is good to read.
I'm probably overthinking and drawing up overly negative conclusions. |
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory.
Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence.
What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression.
I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻
4 cats here 🤣"
I just had to have my cat girl put to sleep 😭
I'm going to have at least 5! |
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I think a lot of people embrace this model for the wrong reasons or have a distorted view of what it ought to mean.
Having been single for 4 years, not for a lack of trying, I appreciate that relationships are difficult spaces to navigate for many people who aren't particularly vanilla.
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"Oh absolutely.
I tried to force myself into that living together codependent horror we're all supposed to want. It was the worst 7 years of my life.
Now I live alone, apart from the mutt. I have loving relationships with people I adore and miss when they're not around. And I like that missing, that longing. It's a big part of the dynamic for me.
I have my independence and freedom. I know that every moment shared with the people that matter to me is a moment wr have both chosen to spend together because we want to, not out of obligation or convenience.
Solo poly is absolutely the way for me 💜"
Love that you've got there. I'm a bit slow on the uptake with most things  |
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"Love that you've got there. I'm a bit slow on the uptake with most things "
I spent the years before that relationship thinking I was just a weird slut and that the way I wanted to live my life was wrong and no-one would tolerate that shit.
It's only in the last few years I've really learned about poly and that it's okay to not want that nuclear family nonsense. And that there are plenty of people who happily live this way.
I was lucky to find people I adore who either already lived this life, or were questioning the traditional relationship styles and willing to at least give my way a try 💜 |
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By *mmaleiaWoman 7 weeks ago
East Northamptonshire |
Yes, I have just discovered this is what suits me best, I was always monogamous with my previous partners, but felt there was something missing, then slight resentment would set in.
I’m initially looking for my person, just the 1, that is open to explore & experiment, but knowing they were getting 100% of me |
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"Having divorced, I know that I enjoy having my own space.
Friendship, even intimate, without the possessiveness just seems healthier. "
I think that's what feels right for me. I don't want to be someone's "everything". I don't want them to be mine. I want to know that the bond is always an active choice and pleasure on both sides, and not a habit or societal expectation. |
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"Yes, I have just discovered this is what suits me best, I was always monogamous with my previous partners, but felt there was something missing, then slight resentment would set in.
I’m initially looking for my person, just the 1, that is open to explore & experiment, but knowing they were getting 100% of me "
Are you actively dating now? |
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Yes, I'm quite happy on my own, and with my own company. I've zero intentions of living with a partner again. Always fully open about dating other people, and everyone I get involved with is aware and fine about that (or else I'd not be seeing them  ).
I have the starter cat pack |
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"Having divorced, I know that I enjoy having my own space.
Friendship, even intimate, without the possessiveness just seems healthier.
I think that's what feels right for me. I don't want to be someone's "everything". I don't want them to be mine. I want to know that the bond is always an active choice and pleasure on both sides, and not a habit or societal expectation. "
Exactly it means the ‘relationship’ has space to breathe. It works for me. But I fully respect that other people can and should make different choices that work for them. |
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I no longer actively date although I do “exist” on sites where I can articulate what I am looking for without judgement. The challenge is finding someone of the same mindset and being true to that, it can be tempting to contemplate change in the need to fulfil desires or lists but ultimately this just leaves one hollow.
So as of now, I am clear with what I seek and I am not compromising on that because I have learnt that this brings unhappiness to all and I’m too old to walk in the shadow, I need sun on my bones.
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I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living?
This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate. |
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"I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living?
This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate."
How do you* |
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"So as of now, I am clear with what I seek and I am not compromising on that because I have learnt that this brings unhappiness to all and I’m too old to walk in the shadow, I need sun on my bones.
"
This resonates so much. I hope your bones get all the sunshine they need, DD x |
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living?
This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate.
How do you*"
I'll let you know if I ever get to that stage
Mine are older, so having those conversations, if I choose to, will be easier. I also have 50% of my time without my children, so conducting any sexual/romantic relationship without it converging with family life is perfectly possible. |
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"I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living?
This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate."
Very easily. I've only lived with one person and that was post my child moving out. I was a single parent whilst they were growing up, and my long term partners including an 8yr one I just chose to never to live with. They had some interaction with my child but no different to any of my other friends in my life. Staying overnight was always done when my child was with family. |
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"Nell I totally this. I’ve done the combining assets and homes a couple of times now once involving marriage and others not.
It’s such hassle unpicking it and I can’t see myself ever doing it again but that doesn’t mean I’d never enter into another relationship.
Yep, same story here, Crimson.
I'm not ready for a relationship yet after the last one ended, but if/when I am it makes me a bit sad that it'll be really hard to find someone(s) who will be content with never living together. People will see it as a relationship that's "not going anywhere", or isn't real love, that I don't love them enough.
"
There’s a woman in the village I grew up in who lives separately from her partner all week (there’s distance involved) then they stay at each others houses at the weekend. I know this because she got talking to my mother one time who was completely baffled by the approach, bless her 70 year old self. |
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory.
Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence.
What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression.
I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 "
I understand. I tried the marriage thing didn’t work as I basically hated living with someone like you my own space and independence is vital for my well-being. I also live in a quite area off season so dating pool is very low.
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*raises hand*
I’ve been living this for 2 1/2 years now. It definitely feels the most authentic version of myself. I wouldn’t want to live with someone and blend domestically again.
As you say; the active choice with partners is very comforting |
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"Nell I totally this. I’ve done the combining assets and homes a couple of times now once involving marriage and others not.
It’s such hassle unpicking it and I can’t see myself ever doing it again but that doesn’t mean I’d never enter into another relationship.
Yep, same story here, Crimson.
I'm not ready for a relationship yet after the last one ended, but if/when I am it makes me a bit sad that it'll be really hard to find someone(s) who will be content with never living together. People will see it as a relationship that's "not going anywhere", or isn't real love, that I don't love them enough.
There’s a woman in the village I grew up in who lives separately from her partner all week (there’s distance involved) then they stay at each others houses at the weekend. I know this because she got talking to my mother one time who was completely baffled by the approach, bless her 70 year old self. "
Oh yeah. I hadn't yet got to how to deal with baffled family members  |
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory.
Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence.
What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression.
I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻
I understand. I tried the marriage thing didn’t work as I basically hated living with someone like you my own space and independence is vital for my well-being. I also live in a quite area off season so dating pool is very low.
"
Meow meow meow 😻 |
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"I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living?
This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate.
Very easily. I've only lived with one person and that was post my child moving out. I was a single parent whilst they were growing up, and my long term partners including an 8yr one I just chose to never to live with. They had some interaction with my child but no different to any of my other friends in my life. Staying overnight was always done when my child was with family. "
Thank you both for answering. So for the most part you keep them separate. |
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"*raises hand*
I’ve been living this for 2 1/2 years now. It definitely feels the most authentic version of myself. I wouldn’t want to live with someone and blend domestically again.
As you say; the active choice with partners is very comforting "
 |
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"I can definitely see the benefits of this way of living. For those of you who have children with previous partners, who do you include your children in this way of living?
This isn't me judging, I'm just curious to know as I can imagine it's a tricky one to navigate.
Very easily. I've only lived with one person and that was post my child moving out. I was a single parent whilst they were growing up, and my long term partners including an 8yr one I just chose to never to live with. They had some interaction with my child but no different to any of my other friends in my life. Staying overnight was always done when my child was with family.
Thank you both for answering. So for the most part you keep them separate."
Kept... These days she's an adult and is fully aware I'm on here (long story), she also knows I attend clubs on occasion and I see people for the interactions/relationships I do. Plus she knows I'm bisexual. No secrets in my life
She's genuinely neither interested nor arsed. I think younger people today are fairly open minded on the whole. And don't tend to give a shit what other folk are getting up to in the bedroom |
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In regards to dating pools, I’ve found that LDR are usually the answer.
I’m lucky in that one of my partners is less than half an hour away. But aside from that, it’s at least an hour and a half journey time. It can be sucky but on the other hand, intentional time and planned dates are a real joy |
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By *eliWoman 7 weeks ago
. |
Can you be a relationship anarchist with a nesting partner? I don't know. I do known that relationship escalators don't work for me - I'd much rather customise relationships through what works for us both. Talk to those I'm in a poly relationship with and find out what we are, learn us then adhere to societal expectations.
I've never struggled to balance partners. I don't believe that nesting means best. I don't believe that my poly partner is the fun side. It doesn't quite work like that for me.
I really like active choice. I hate feeling... obligated or that they do. I tried monogamy for a couple of years. Then I tried ENM and realised I was poly and struggled with that for a little bit. Feelings of guilt, like I wanted too much, would never be happy etc.
I think being true to yourself is a wonderful thing. Finding people who support and understand that? Even more so. It can take time but it's worth it.
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"Can you be a relationship anarchist with a nesting partner? I don't know. I do known that relationship escalators don't work for me - I'd much rather customise relationships through what works for us both. Talk to those I'm in a poly relationship with and find out what we are, learn us then adhere to societal expectations.
I've never struggled to balance partners. I don't believe that nesting means best. I don't believe that my poly partner is the fun side. It doesn't quite work like that for me.
I really like active choice. I hate feeling... obligated or that they do. I tried monogamy for a couple of years. Then I tried ENM and realised I was poly and struggled with that for a little bit. Feelings of guilt, like I wanted too much, would never be happy etc.
I think being true to yourself is a wonderful thing. Finding people who support and understand that? Even more so. It can take time but it's worth it.
"
Oh, yes. The guilt. That has been a recurring theme in my relationships for the last 20 years 
Why weren't you around to enlighten me sooner, Meli? |
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By *eliWoman 7 weeks ago
. |
" Oh, yes. The guilt. That has been a recurring theme in my relationships for the last 20 years
Why weren't you around to enlighten me sooner, Meli? "
I was in school, sorry Nell. Darn significant age gap friendships, really get in the way of enlightment don't they?
I'm really happy you started this thread - talking about it openly, getting different views on how people solo poly/RA, it's good. 🧡 |
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I've found that whatever you call a relationship it's going to evolve in its own way and even if it's monogamous it will still be filled with nuance, change and complexity.
I've been my happiest with a nesting partner, where we defined it as open. As in we talked about everything, no possibility was off the table; the decisions we made entailed an appreciation of how the other was affected and the ripple effects on other relationships.
Holding back, or not trusting the other with the truth, were the only things that seemed to disturb us and that usually took the form of: ok why is difficult for you to talk about? In a supportive way.
Too much definition becomes a cage that stifles growth and evolution, whereas a little is supportive of it. |
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory.
Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence.
What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression.
I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 "
Nell, you are the bestest |
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"
Too much definition becomes a cage that stifles growth and evolution, whereas a little is supportive of it."
Yep, I just get bored and unsatisfied with a single lover , doesn’t matter how great they are.
It’s nice to have several and they don’t just depend on you for their needs. I want all the non-sex stuff too ! It’s as important |
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I don't have a clue what label I would put on us now. Maybe anarchy comes close! 😂
I'm married to, live with and have kids with B but I'm poly with another partner. The phrase "nesting partner" feels like it assigns a hierarchy that I don't agree with. The relationships are different because there is such a history between me and B, but my other partner isn't less important because of that.
B is probably looking more to add a fwb dynamic but he has had a couple of dates with someone so who knows where that relationship might end up. |
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"
Too much definition becomes a cage that stifles growth and evolution, whereas a little is supportive of it.
Yep, I just get bored and unsatisfied with a single lover , doesn’t matter how great they are.
It’s nice to have several and they don’t just depend on you for their needs. I want all the non-sex stuff too ! It’s as important "
See now, I read that comment as forcing any kind of rigid structure on a relationship stifles it, whether that's monogamy and nesting or the absolute rejection of.
I think if I thought I'd be bored or unsatisfied with any of my lovers if they were the only one, I wouldn't be keeping them around to bore and leave me dissatisfied between seeing the ones who do work for me. |
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My ltr lasted 17yrs and gave me my family we are still very much co-parenting family.
After we went out separate ways I met someone and got engaged and we lived in our own houses. It was amazing.
Last two years I'm single, learning how be single and what that means to me. Right now the thing that makes the most sense is relationship anarchy. There's different people in my life and they all work differently and mean different things to me.
I had to work to let go of my need to define things and find labels to describe what things were.
I'm fairly content. |
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"Has anyone else come to the realisation that these relationship models best suit them after unsuccessfully trying to shoehorn themselves into monogamy for two decades?
"
Yes. Exactly that. Including the timeframe. Sigh.
I've been soly poly for 5.5 years now and would not change a single thing. And during the course of that time, realised that RA massively resonates for me.
It can be frustrating sometimes when others belittle or demean the value of my relationships.
I get asked when I'm going to have a real relationship...i get told "you'll get there one day" when I say I'll never live with another adult ever again. Recently at a club I got asked if I think I have an avoidant attachment style 😆 that one in particular made me guffaw with laughter - and I explained that no, quite the opposite, I think I have a secure attachment style... because RA/sopo allow for me to connect with people in the way that's *just right* for that particular connection, rather than trying to shoehorn it in to a particular box and discarding it if it doesn't fit.
My connections and relationships of all kinds (friendship, romantic, sexual, etc etc) have all been able to grow to extents they never would have been able to if not for RA. |
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I don’t want a partner as a permanent feature in my space with my children. I’m happy to build friendships (intimate or not) and ongoing relationships with sleepovers but I can’t see myself living with a partner ever again. I’ll probably be alone forever 🤣 |
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We've been together nearly 5 years and don't live together. And it works for us. If we lived together our relationship would probably decline and we would split within a year or so.
We recognise that as much as we love each other and are compatible in many ways, living together wouldn't be one of them. |
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By *ell Gwynn OP Woman 7 weeks ago
North Yorkshire |
"We've been together nearly 5 years and don't live together. And it works for us. If we lived together our relationship would probably decline and we would split within a year or so.
We recognise that as much as we love each other and are compatible in many ways, living together wouldn't be one of them. "
This is so heartwarming to read. I have hope |
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"I think nesting polyamory is a struggle for most that attempt it.
The only successful poly couples I’ve ever known, there’s been a few, have had separate living arrangements. Non-nesting.
There’s a struggle to balance the day to day living arrangements of the best partner with the fun side of the poly partner. "
I have a nesting partner but I've maintained two partners for a number of years now. My non-nesting partner feels very much the same as the OP about cohabiting and combining finances but he still has companionship and romantic love and support through our relationship. None of my partners are the "fun side" or the "best" they're individuals with their own needs and all relationships have high points, difficult patches and times when you're navigating rough life situations together. |
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By *eliWoman 7 weeks ago
. |
"I think nesting polyamory is a struggle for most that attempt it.
The only successful poly couples I’ve ever known, there’s been a few, have had separate living arrangements. Non-nesting.
There’s a struggle to balance the day to day living arrangements of the best partner with the fun side of the poly partner.
I have a nesting partner but I've maintained two partners for a number of years now. My non-nesting partner feels very much the same as the OP about cohabiting and combining finances but he still has companionship and romantic love and support through our relationship. None of my partners are the "fun side" or the "best" they're individuals with their own needs and all relationships have high points, difficult patches and times when you're navigating rough life situations together. "
It feels like the good old days of poly chat in the fora once more. Missed them. |
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"Can you be a relationship anarchist with a nesting partner? I don't know. I do known that relationship escalators don't work for me - I'd much rather customise relationships through what works for us both. Talk to those I'm in a poly relationship with and find out what we are, learn us then adhere to societal expectations.
I've never struggled to balance partners. I don't believe that nesting means best. I don't believe that my poly partner is the fun side. It doesn't quite work like that for me.
I really like active choice. I hate feeling... obligated or that they do. I tried monogamy for a couple of years. Then I tried ENM and realised I was poly and struggled with that for a little bit. Feelings of guilt, like I wanted too much, would never be happy etc.
I think being true to yourself is a wonderful thing. Finding people who support and understand that? Even more so. It can take time but it's worth it.
"
If it helps, I consider myself a relationship anarchist despite having a nesting partner. Anarchy just means that the typical "rules" are rejected, not that you can't make some of the common, normalised choices. Just that it's not a given. I have a nesting partner because it makes financial sense and it works because he's very sociable so I get the space and free time I need as he's out a lot. I'm also not interested in marriage or children with anyone. I like to consider relationships as like a pick and mix of options we can choose together depending on what suits without having to abide by societal expectations of what a relationship means such as how much time we spend together, whether we have holidays together, whether we want to meet friends or family, if we have a sexual relationship, etc. That's why I identify with relationship anarchy. |
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I think if I ever formed another relationship I’d choose to continue to live separately. I’ve been divorced twice and cohabited a further relationship and always end up loosing out a lot when it ends and having to start again so I’d rather maintain my independence and as you say spend time together when we choose but also share others and be sexual with others. Monogamy is not for me. |
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"I think nesting polyamory is a struggle for most that attempt it.
The only successful poly couples I’ve ever known, there’s been a few, have had separate living arrangements. Non-nesting.
There’s a struggle to balance the day to day living arrangements of the best partner with the fun side of the poly partner.
I have a nesting partner but I've maintained two partners for a number of years now. My non-nesting partner feels very much the same as the OP about cohabiting and combining finances but he still has companionship and romantic love and support through our relationship. None of my partners are the "fun side" or the "best" they're individuals with their own needs and all relationships have high points, difficult patches and times when you're navigating rough life situations together.
It feels like the good old days of poly chat in the fora once more. Missed them. "
Aww Meli, always loved our poly chats with Steve and CD. |
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory.
Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence.
What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression.
I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 "
I love this for you OP. It's so liberating to figure out what we need, even if it takes time to find it.
I really wish my dad would embrace the idea of solo poly. He too has no desire to combine lives with another in the way again and it really has limited his relationships sadly. I've always thought solo poly would fit him so well but as much as he accepts and supports me being polyamorous, he doesn't see it as something for him which is fair. It just hurts me heart to see him unable to find love because everyone wants to eventually move in together. |
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So...my wife and I have been together 28 years (yes..we have a couples account).
Shes very much always been into sharing me the whole time whilst she has no desire to share herself with anyone else. There's inly ine person for her and it's me.
I have casually dated other women throughout that time. For the most part, it was, for lack of a better term, a freinds with benefits situation with those other women. They didn't want anything serious, didn't care I was married / knew about the situation. And whilst I cared about those ladies in a non romantic way, it was always a finite situation. It was going to last whilst it lasted.
Worked for me, worked for them and worked for my wife. She is, after all, my true love and she comes first.
May sound odd to some but it's worked for my wife and I and I am a very happy man.
But not all tjat long ago...i met someone new and for the first time ever, feelings got involved.
Now this wasn't a problem.for me nor my wife. My wife was happy about it acctually. We've never been the types to think that love can just be restricted in a monogamous manner.
It was quite honestly...amazing.
I was in love with 2 women and they both loved me back...or so it seemed.
Ended up splitting my free time between my wife and my girlfreind and all seemed well.
Then it abruptly ended. My now ex girlfreind abruptly called it off and that was that. Never found out why and I honestly don't need to know. If its over, it's over. No drama, no nothing. It's just done.
But then the strangest moment of my married life happened.
My wife consoled me over my break up with my girlfreind.
On one hand I genuinly laughed at how absurd it was. But on the other it just made me love my wife even more amd realise how lucky I was just to have her let alone anyone else.
I'm still open to dating others and I'm certainly not going to stop enjoying the life I have but it's made me reflect in ways I never have before.
All I'm saying is..if youre poly and you're all on the same page...Great. But just remember, the good and bad in ine relationship can seep into the other.
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory.
Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence.
What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression.
I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 "
That's a brutal way to turn down my marriage proposal, Nell...😪 |
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By *IXEN200Woman 6 weeks ago
newcastle upon tyne |
Reading this thread has put a lot of perspective into my head, I've been struggling for some time to find out what I want from life and sexual encounters too, I've been trying to rebuild myself from a 13 year relationship ending. So being single for the last 8 years, with no interaction from men for 5 of those years, I don't want to live with anyone I do enjoy my own space but spending some nights together would be nice. Thank you all for enlightening me I may now be able to move forward a bit easier |
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Ok I’ve caught up and this is so fascinating for me. I’ve been single into the decades now and not really dated much but I’m at a point where I feel like I’m missing things that you get from partners and wondering how I can get those things.
But I also don’t want to conform to the norms of societal expectations surrounding being in a relationship with someone. Like I want to share my life but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to live with a someone again. And I’ve always thought it’s odd to expect just one person to provide you with ALL the things that come as part or a sexual and/or romantic relationship.
This is lots of food for thought for me and will help me work out what dynamics and directions I want to take with people in life.
Thanks Nell for opening this dialogue and for everyone that’s shared their experiences |
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Absolutely.
Have a nesting partner.
Beautiful children but being Poly means we're not cutting ourselves into bits to be EVERYTHING for each other.
We date separately (godsend when finding childcare for ND twins).
Nesting partner is Bi, which is really handy as they'll point out when they see some they think I'd like. Or more often point out when someone is actually flirting and it's completely passed me by. |
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"I've sloooooowly, over the last nine years, come to terms with the fact that monogamy isn't for me, but neither is nesting polyamory.
Merging lives, space, finances, domestic duties doesn't work for for me. In fact, it makes me very ill not having my own space and independence.
What I've increasingly found is that a lot of people will view that as me not being able to love properly or successfully. I live in a low population area, so my dating pool is already limited, and now I've limited it even further by rejecting conventional relationship models and progression.
I'm going to get lots of cats 🐈 🐱 😻 "
I'm already there with the cats, but yes. The thought of having to live with someone in my personal space completely freaks me out.
I'd have someone visit or stay over, that would be enough.
It's hard when you've been brought up the "old fashioned" way. |
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Not interested in the sex side with friends.
My friends are girls, my age to more than half my age - and we are in supporting and loving friendships; days out, mate-dates, and holidays (I am married btw).
This has only happened in the last couple of years - and 'me' for sure.
If I'm going to bonk anyone than my wife, needs to be romantically and friendship disconnected. |
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I realised monogamy wasn’t for me by about 20. And I’d never do it again. More power to those that do.
I have a lot of space to love. And LOVE. I can love many people really deeply I’ve learned. And I also can just care about lots of people romantically and sexually. But most is all, I have found poly to be extremely aligned with my idea that you must live your life for yourself and you cannot be constrained by others where possible. |
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This has been a wonderful read, some great perspectives and a lot of it resonates.
I think I used the best part of a traditional pair bond as a younger man, married and raising kids. I know there are single mums and dads out there who have done a fantastic job of raising children alone but it’s easier with two. It was a loving family unit but as I and my ex got older and matured we grew apart rather than together. Sexually incompatible too. Divorce was the best option, it was a kindness. Everybody’s fine, well adjusted and on good terms.
I think I yearn for company and companionship but also need my personal freedoms. I think I have the equivalent of relationship ADHD. I love the new relationship energy or rather Revitalised Relationship Energy - we get the best out of each other, then we are then able to restore personal space, add some distance and induce some change to wash away familiarity, and taking / being taken for granted whenever necessary.. be it after a weekend or a month. Mini sabbaticals, whatever.
This situation however may need to change after the inevitable sexual decline and settling into twilight years. A loving pair bond may be the way to be in the runup to exit what has been a wonderful and full life.
If you took away societal and religious expectations for marriage then maybe the natural sequence for bonding might be a good way to share lives. |
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Me and wife are polyam but solo daters. I have a boyfriend, a partner, a wife and dating someone.
All very kitchen table. My wife and boyfriend are not into one another at all but are great friends and we are about to move in together (all 3) to save rent and help each other out.
Me and my wife also adore his girlfriend and ta so lovely to have such a loving and friendly ecosystem.
I don't think I was ever designed to be mono. I tried for ten years with an ex and it wasn't great.
Mono is perfect for some people and polyam for others. |
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"
Too much definition becomes a cage that stifles growth and evolution, whereas a little is supportive of it.
Yep, I just get bored and unsatisfied with a single lover , doesn’t matter how great they are.
It’s nice to have several and they don’t just depend on you for their needs. I want all the non-sex stuff too ! It’s as important
See now, I read that comment as forcing any kind of rigid structure on a relationship stifles it, whether that's monogamy and nesting or the absolute rejection of.
I think if I thought I'd be bored or unsatisfied with any of my lovers if they were the only one, I wouldn't be keeping them around to bore and leave me dissatisfied between seeing the ones who do work for me."
I missed that. Odd, I needed that 'someone gets me' feeling today. Thank you. |
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