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Any asexuals or partners of?
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By *oy tryer OP Man 20 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
Good morning all. Thanks for reading. I'm hoping to pick brains on ways to potentially approach an asexual partner to tell them I would like more from my sexlife (nothing right now) and understand if it cannot be them so to open it up to anyone.
I don't want to make her feel that I don't want her as she would be my number 1 choice if I had one. But I am really not happy within myself or our relationship and do not want to build resentment by staying.
What have others done or said to help reassure?
Thanks for any tips.  |
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By *oy tryer OP Man 20 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"Is it not something that was discussed when entering a relationship with an asexual person? "
Sorry I should've mentioned their realisation late into the relationship after marriage. They just assumed low libido. Now for years have been sure.
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"Is it not something that was discussed when entering a relationship with an asexual person?
Sorry I should've mentioned their realisation late into the relationship after marriage. They just assumed low libido. Now for years have been sure.
"
Then was it not discussed when they decided they were sure? |
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By *oy tryer OP Man 20 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"Is it not something that was discussed when entering a relationship with an asexual person?
Sorry I should've mentioned their realisation late into the relationship after marriage. They just assumed low libido. Now for years have been sure.
Then was it not discussed when they decided they were sure?"
Yes we had talks about it and I had thought that I would be able to b happy in a sexless marriage as we have kids and a good life otherwise. But over the years I've come to realise that it is effecting me too much mentally and emotionally as sex, contact and general physical intimacy has always been a big factor in my life and my main love language.
Now the low mood from this is effecting my general life so it impacts work/kids/social life.
We've briefly touched on different things to try over the years but nothing as serious as now as I cannot carry on and do not want to break up my family because of sex/sexual need if that makes sense |
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Although neither of us is asexual, my ex husband and I were in a sexless marriage for various reasons. We still loved each other dearly.
He was very unhappy with the situation, so I suggested he seek sex and intimacy outside the marriage, but he rejected that idea and eventually we separated and divorced.
We had lots of relationship counselling over the years, and our open communication during that time has meant that we've got a very positive coparenting relationship now. We got out before the contempt set in and maintained our respect for each other. I still love him, he's family, and I'm very happy that he's found someone better suited. I don't resent him at all for wanting to end the relationship because of lack of sex and physical intimacy.
I'm not sure any of the above is helpful to your situation, but that was my experience.
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Mine was a 7-year long process.
There is intimacy in my marriage- lots of touching, cuddling- I honestly could not live without the lovely ankle rubs after a long trip! 😍 but no sex. At all. He just doesn’t want it. And I wanted it all the time- at least before menopause hit me like a ton of bricks.
So there were many arguments, counselling, tears… and eventually there was the agreement that I can meet other people as and when I desire. But in all honesty the aforementioned menopause has made me even more fussy over my choice of partners, so most times I don’t bother and I just indulge in the ankle rubs.  I still love the lifestyle though and building friendships over here through socials etc.
But I do understand what you feel. It is horrible to feel rejected and undesired. |
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By *oy tryer OP Man 20 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"Although neither of us is asexual, my ex husband and I were in a sexless marriage for various reasons. We still loved each other dearly.
He was very unhappy with the situation, so I suggested he seek sex and intimacy outside the marriage, but he rejected that idea and eventually we separated and divorced.
We had lots of relationship counselling over the years, and our open communication during that time has meant that we've got a very positive coparenting relationship now. We got out before the contempt set in and maintained our respect for each other. I still love him, he's family, and I'm very happy that he's found someone better suited. I don't resent him at all for wanting to end the relationship because of lack of sex and physical intimacy.
I'm not sure any of the above is helpful to your situation, but that was my experience.
"
Honestly that is very nice of you to share your situation with me and it is what I'm worried about tbh. The contempt and resentment staying in a marriage that's making me unhappy. I mean resenting myself for making that decision, not my wife. So it's nice to hear you were able to split in such a good and understanding way. |
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"Yes we had talks about it and I had thought that I would be able to b happy in a sexless marriage as we have kids and a good life otherwise. But over the years I've come to realise that it is effecting me too much mentally and emotionally as sex, contact and general physical intimacy has always been a big factor in my life and my main love language.
Now the low mood from this is effecting my general life so it impacts work/kids/social life.
We've briefly touched on different things to try over the years but nothing as serious as now as I cannot carry on and do not want to break up my family because of sex/sexual need if that makes sense"
Had you raised the situation again before joining here? Before meeting someone else?
It's absolutely okay to not be satisfied with a sexless relationship. But lying to people you supposedly care about is a difficult line for me.
Whether or not you come clean about already having wandered, you do need to have the awkward conversation about the mismatched sex drives and how you can either move forward together with understanding and consent. Or find a way to make sure your kids don't grow up with the only example of the best they can expect from their loved ones is lying and cheating.
Amicable coparenting from separated parents is better than 2 miserable people holding an unfulfilling relationship together for the sake of the offspring. Honest and communicative open relationships are better examples to set.
I don't know you, your partner, or your dynamic. I can't tell you the best way to broach the subject with her.
But I hope it's a productive conversation for you both 💜 |
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By *oy tryer OP Man 20 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"Mine was a 7-year long process.
There is intimacy in my marriage- lots of touching, cuddling- I honestly could not live without the lovely ankle rubs after a long trip! 😍 but no sex. At all. He just doesn’t want it. And I wanted it all the time- at least before menopause hit me like a ton of bricks.
So there were many arguments, counselling, tears… and eventually there was the agreement that I can meet other people as and when I desire. But in all honesty the aforementioned menopause has made me even more fussy over my choice of partners, so most times I don’t bother and I just indulge in the ankle rubs. I still love the lifestyle though and building friendships over here through socials etc.
But I do understand what you feel. It is horrible to feel rejected and undesired. "
Thank you for your story. This is exactly me although there isn't even the hand holding or basic affection. And what's worse is I know she "takes care of herself" but also goes out of her way to not have to do it with me so makes me feel even more unattractive/undesired. I love her so much and our family but I don't want to get to the point where I am angry if we do split. |
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By *oy tryer OP Man 20 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"Yes we had talks about it and I had thought that I would be able to b happy in a sexless marriage as we have kids and a good life otherwise. But over the years I've come to realise that it is effecting me too much mentally and emotionally as sex, contact and general physical intimacy has always been a big factor in my life and my main love language.
Now the low mood from this is effecting my general life so it impacts work/kids/social life.
We've briefly touched on different things to try over the years but nothing as serious as now as I cannot carry on and do not want to break up my family because of sex/sexual need if that makes sense
Had you raised the situation again before joining here? Before meeting someone else?
It's absolutely okay to not be satisfied with a sexless relationship. But lying to people you supposedly care about is a difficult line for me.
Whether or not you come clean about already having wandered, you do need to have the awkward conversation about the mismatched sex drives and how you can either move forward together with understanding and consent. Or find a way to make sure your kids don't grow up with the only example of the best they can expect from their loved ones is lying and cheating.
Amicable coparenting from separated parents is better than 2 miserable people holding an unfulfilling relationship together for the sake of the offspring. Honest and communicative open relationships are better examples to set.
I don't know you, your partner, or your dynamic. I can't tell you the best way to broach the subject with her.
But I hope it's a productive conversation for you both 💜"
Thank you for your messages. No there was no agreement for me to come on here or look for someone else as when we've brushed past the subject she was not happy with me being with someone else. She said that I need to deal with me not having sex in the relationship my own way but being woth someone else at the time would not have been agreed. I originally came on this site to be able to talk to people openly and sexually to relieve some of the frustration I felt and find people that understood. After some time I wondered if even having a sexlife separate to my wife whilst still with her would even help so I have contemplated that but not been able to bring myself to actually meet anyone although offered.
I guess I kind of wanted to make sure it would help before I blew up everything.
I understand what you are saying and I really do not like feeling the need to come on a site like this to talk to people or look at others and I hope that after this inevitable conversation happens, I can just be truly honest and move forward (hopefully with a wife).
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"Although neither of us is asexual, my ex husband and I were in a sexless marriage for various reasons. We still loved each other dearly.
He was very unhappy with the situation, so I suggested he seek sex and intimacy outside the marriage, but he rejected that idea and eventually we separated and divorced.
We had lots of relationship counselling over the years, and our open communication during that time has meant that we've got a very positive coparenting relationship now. We got out before the contempt set in and maintained our respect for each other. I still love him, he's family, and I'm very happy that he's found someone better suited. I don't resent him at all for wanting to end the relationship because of lack of sex and physical intimacy.
I'm not sure any of the above is helpful to your situation, but that was my experience.
Honestly that is very nice of you to share your situation with me and it is what I'm worried about tbh. The contempt and resentment staying in a marriage that's making me unhappy. I mean resenting myself for making that decision, not my wife. So it's nice to hear you were able to split in such a good and understanding way."
It was tricky, I'll not deny that. But the idea of "splitting up the family" being only a negative thing needs to be questioned. Our kids growing up in household full of bitterness and resentment would have been far worse. How would they know to conduct their own healthy relationships if they've never seen one up-close? At least they now have a mum and dad who like and respect each other, despite no longer being together. |
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By *oy tryer OP Man 20 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"Although neither of us is asexual, my ex husband and I were in a sexless marriage for various reasons. We still loved each other dearly.
He was very unhappy with the situation, so I suggested he seek sex and intimacy outside the marriage, but he rejected that idea and eventually we separated and divorced.
We had lots of relationship counselling over the years, and our open communication during that time has meant that we've got a very positive coparenting relationship now. We got out before the contempt set in and maintained our respect for each other. I still love him, he's family, and I'm very happy that he's found someone better suited. I don't resent him at all for wanting to end the relationship because of lack of sex and physical intimacy.
I'm not sure any of the above is helpful to your situation, but that was my experience.
Honestly that is very nice of you to share your situation with me and it is what I'm worried about tbh. The contempt and resentment staying in a marriage that's making me unhappy. I mean resenting myself for making that decision, not my wife. So it's nice to hear you were able to split in such a good and understanding way.
It was tricky, I'll not deny that. But the idea of "splitting up the family" being only a negative thing needs to be questioned. Our kids growing up in household full of bitterness and resentment would have been far worse. How would they know to conduct their own healthy relationships if they've never seen one up-close? At least they now have a mum and dad who like and respect each other, despite no longer being together. "
That's a great point and we've always tried to be better examples to out kids than our parents. Thankfully we're not at the point of messing them up too much yet but I feel I need to have this chat with her and we make a decision before we get to that point. I agree, I'd rather them have two separate happy healthy households with friendly parents then bitter and toxic environment and parents that don't talk.
Thank you |
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By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
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"I love this thread for the supportive and informative responses. 🦋♥️"
Absolutely agreed! The more so, after the recent bouts of bile spewing and judgementalism on certain other threads.
This, is the community I was hoping to find. |
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Hey OP, forgive me and do shout up if I have the wrong end of the stick here.
It seems (to me) like there is more to this than her being asexual. In my head, asexual means that she doesn’t want anything sexual but that shouldn’t include ‘standard’ relationship stuff like holding hands or a platonic hug/cuddle. I would have thought an asexual who is in love with their partner would still want to feel close to them through a love language.
I wonder if she has emotionally disconnected from you in more than just sexual terms?
I’m pretty naive in these matters and have no experience, so just pondering based on what I’ve read and how it comes across. |
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By *oy tryer OP Man 20 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"I love this thread for the supportive and informative responses. 🦋♥️"
This is the main reason I joined this site in the first place as I am alone and have no one to talk to, so it's nice having people who understand and give me honest and open advice. |
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By *oy tryer OP Man 20 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
"Hey OP, forgive me and do shout up if I have the wrong end of the stick here.
It seems (to me) like there is more to this than her being asexual. In my head, asexual means that she doesn’t want anything sexual but that shouldn’t include ‘standard’ relationship stuff like holding hands or a platonic hug/cuddle. I would have thought an asexual who is in love with their partner would still want to feel close to them through a love language.
I wonder if she has emotionally disconnected from you in more than just sexual terms?
I’m pretty naive in these matters and have no experience, so just pondering based on what I’ve read and how it comes across."
Hi its not a problem. Asexuality has many different sub categories and people can be different ways depending on what they more lean towards. My wife said she just doesn't have attraction to anyone and therefore doesn't desire the need for closeness in that way. Physical touch is bottom in her love language so she doesn't feel the need for it in our relationship. Plus she said when we have had sex in the past m, it has usually stemmed from some form of close contact so it is now some kind of trigger that makes her feel that is where it is heading so she avoids it.
I've been trying to research and understand all this for years and still struggle and don't think I can ever understand it so thank you for asking and your comments. |
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I met an asexual woman once. I didn't know that was the case. Ironically she instigated sex one night but I'd kinda accepted that wasn't happening any time soon so didn't take protection. I guess I'm glad really, she was only experimenting and I'm a bit long in the tooth for someone to decide if they want sex in their life. Strange few dates but interesting. |
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