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when is it not too soon to move on?
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By *y3942 OP Man 9 weeks ago
hastings |
maybe a bit morbid, but wouldn't mind insight as i would personally tell them go for it and f*** everyone else's opinion. basically, when is it "socially acceptable" to move on publicly?
a friend's husband passed away recently. they have been married 30 years or so, but the last 15 have been sexless and loveless. he cheated a few times, then she did once, but they stayed together for their 4 children and family.
i don't know what his opinion was on her, but he didn't usually want to talk about stuff with her, and the couple of times she tried to repair the marriage, he didn't want to discuss it. she even gave him a blow job while on holiday after 10 years of no sex to try reignite the spark but he never returned the favor or even acknowledged it later. but she said she didn't mind being with him for socially events, but she didn't look at him romantically anymore. even a hug was maybe an annual event.
i am one of the few people she told she was cheating. now her and that guy want to make something of their relationship, as he never saw it as cheating, he loved (loves) her. she says she loves him too. she's just worried about the way the kids and friends will look at things. both sets of parents are dead so that doesn't matter as in their opinion.
so, how long is "normal" before you move on in the eyes of the public? i know such things shouldn't matter if you love each other, but, that's the depraved world we live in today sadly |
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I don't think there is a societal norm.
And, to be fair, even if there was, by the time she's finished chewing over the question, that time will have passed.
She's been in pain for 15 years, married for 30. Which likely means the 'kids' are grown adults and this woman is in her 50s.
If the kids love her, they'll want her to be happy. But probably give it a year before re-marrying if that's what she wants.
But if we're just talking about openly dating. Go be happy
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I started dating approx six months after the end of my 20yr relationship.
Like your friend; the relationship was over long before we actually ended it so I’d already dealt with most of the grief that comes with ending things.
I wish her the best. And remind her, life is short. She’s got to live her life for herself now. Stop worrying about what others think. I’d hate for there to be any regrets |
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I am a widow with offspring. My marriage was not good at all from my point of view.
In my opinion, it doesn't really matter what other people think about the remaining spouse/partner moving on to a new relationship. It's important for her to be mindful of her kids feelings though and discuss it with them.
My sister was married again 7 months after her husband passed away
If your friend has found happiness with a new partner, she should go for it.
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By (user no longer on site) 9 weeks ago
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Each individual processes these things in different ways and over different periods of time.
Even different societies and different social circles habe different "accepted" standards on the subject.
In the end, she should do what feels "right" for her (and yes, taking the kids' feelings into account is part of that "feeling right").
I know this is a non-answer, but it's how it is, really. There is no rule of thumbs or anything like that. |
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By (user no longer on site) 9 weeks ago
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"In my opinion, it doesn't really matter what other people think about the remaining spouse/partner moving on to a new relationship.
If your friend has found happiness with a new partner, she should go for it."
Exactly what I would have said. 😊
It's far too easy to get caught up in the past and if she feels ready, then that should definitely be welcomed and encouraged by all.
If others can't or won't understand that she's happy to build a new life, that's a shame. But ultimately, it's just their opinion and (hopefully) shouldn't sway her decisions if she's focused on that.
And it's already been said that it sounds as if the relationship was over long ago. So I'll second that, in which she had already moved on to a certain extent before he passed.
Best of luck to them both! |
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People talk, people are judgemental and people expect widows and widowers to go into purdah. It's how it is.
Her kids aren't daft they will have known that their parents marriage was bad.
I would tell her to be discreet but to do exactly as she pleases and look any naysayers square in the eye. |
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It depends what the kids relationship was like with their dad I guess, unfortunately if they were very close than anytime would be too soon to them.
Personally I'd say maybe keep seeing each other in secret for at least 6 months or a year then come out officially. |
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I read an interesting thing recently which was aimed at children who were caring for parents but is relevant here too. Basically it said you can't live your parents life for them. The natural progression is that children have a life, a family, relationships of their own and that's the lane they need to stay in. That means standing back and watching your parents do things you might not agree with or like or might even hurt your feelings. Kids need to butt out of their parents private life in much the same way as parents need to do the same for their kids.
Obviously you step in if a parent or kid is in danger or unable to cope but that's not relevant here. |
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Only she can make a decision on her life she may already know but somethings holding her back plus she is grieving just because she wasn't in love with her man doesn't mean she didn't care for him he was the father of her children after all |
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By (user no longer on site) 9 weeks ago
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You have one life and when for years no sex no passion no nothing just looking after your loved one who is ill. As the time pass you feel you had lost them years ago that is when i was grieving but you was there to the end. He said i had to live and be happy again So I know I need to think of yourself more and live as you see this is not the end but the beginning. We was here as a couple before . Its like being a virgin again your nervous excited as it all feel new again and myself i feel like i need to get out make friends. Family are fine have there own life to live. But i now need time for me and to run wild. xx ps Sorry about cr#p spellings its my Dyslexia.  |
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By *y3942 OP Man 9 weeks ago
hastings |
ty all. sorta what i was thinking. i just didn't want to give bad advice. he wants to be with her, but she seems lost and actually enjoying the space for the first time in her life. i'll let them work it out lol |
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