Inspired by another thread which I don't want to hijack.
What if any, are your expectations of your children once you grow older and they have families of their own?
Do you expect regular visits/contact or to visit/contact them, how far do you expect to be involved in their life, if you need care how much of that do you expect them to provide? If you're lonely or in need of emotional support do you expect your children to provide it or alleviate your loneliness?
Adult children the same questions to you but in reverse. How do you expect to be involved in your parents lives as time moves on? |
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By (user no longer on site) 17 weeks ago
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My son is 20. I don't expect him to be taking care of me emotionally or otherwise. That's what I'm there to do for him as his father. Seeing him go off into the world on his own and grow is what I've been preparing him for his entire life. My job now is to encourage and support him through his darker days. One day he'll do the same for his children. |
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A grand daughter (Not mine.) hasn't got a good word to say about the grandmother who took her under her wing when her mother died. Though phones her every day.
Grandaughter lives around two miles away. Has visited her grandmother - who has two toddlers- 3 times since Jan. She apparently doesn't like her grand mother (Who is 80 btw.) way of talking and has all but 'cancelled' her.
The family, (she has her two sons and one grandson aged 36, living with her currently.) arranges events and doesn't include the grand mother and before they were trying to buy the house, every week they were dropping hints that she should be in a retirement home. Until they figured out that the council wanted too much money for the house the grand mother has lived in with them for over 50 years. Couldn't make it up.
Would be good if they visited her once a month at the very least. |
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I think it's proportional to the amount of time your parents gave you as a child. I have friends where their parents were very active in their lives and they still are. Then there were the more distant parents and that's followed through to adulthood.
My expectations or hope for my kids is that we put the same amount of effort in to maintain our relationship. I would like to be an active part of their lives, not a bystander. |
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I now have great-grandchildren.
I suppose I've expected my children to stay close to me as they got older, but if any of them had wanted to move that wouldn't have been a problem.
I want my children to be happy, and if moving away made them happy I'd be happy.
I would have still visited them; the frequency depending on how far they were and how busy we all were.
We're quite a close family and all my siblings have a lot of contact with their children and grandchildren.
If I wanted to move in with any of my other children they wouldn't say no, if they had the room.
I would never have moved away from my mum though. |
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I bought up my children to be strong independent individuals to be able to live a life of their choosing. Not to be having to have mummy call the 24/7 but to know that I am there when needed without judgement.
The best part of being a parent is to see then fly the nest, cut the apron strings and be happy.
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I've lost both of my parents so that option was taken away from me.
Two of my own kids have families of their own and I'm very involved with both as they live close.
I've never had expectations in that regard because it's really just a continuation of our relationship as they were growing up.
They have all been involved in helping out with their one remaining grandparent so I've no doubts that they will step up if and when I need them to. |
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My mum has daily carers in but will ask for top up stuff. I'm more than happy to step in, the issue being the more we do the more she becomes reliant on that and we have to scale back to manage her expectations that just because something has popped into her head, it doesn't mean it can be done right then as we have jobs/childcare stuff too.
My daughter, the other person in the we statement above. I spend a lot of time with, more as she asks me to help out with her kids. Which I do when I can, but again can't just at the drop of a hat.
When my time comes where I may require care I'm hopeful I'll just accept what's on offer and not be considered a burden. I've always preferred my own company though. So it's highly unlikely I'd want to see family more anyway. |
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I don't see my middle child as much as the others as she doesn't live with me, she's very busy with three jobs, and I'm not needed to babysit.
She cleans for me now and then or I pip round with Greggs for the kids and spend a couple of hours together. Sometimes we'll have a little jaunt to the shops.
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"I bought up my children to be strong independent individuals to be able to live a life of their choosing. Not to be having to have mummy call the 24/7 but to know that I am there when needed without judgement.
The best part of being a parent is to see then fly the nest, cut the apron strings and be happy.
"
Do you visit each other and have days out together? |
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"I want them to live their own lives. If I have done a good enough job that _they_ want to include me in that then I will be happy.
"
This ^^
I have no expectations, other than the hope that as they grow we will continue to have positive relationships based on love, care, affection, and mutual respect. There's a whole myriad of ways for that to be fulfilled, and I hope we can find our own version that means we are all comfortable and content.
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I absolutely adore my Dad (my Mam passed away a long time ago). We never had lots of money when we were kids but never felt like we missed out on anything and we were showered with love. I speak on the phone with my Dad usually once or twice a week and he comes over once a fortnight or more for a cuppa and some cake. If I needed anything at all, I know he would be there in a heartbeat, and if he became unwell or needed any extra care, I would be there for him too. I wouldn’t be able to visit every day due to work and distance, but I would do as much as I could. |
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I've been thinking about this just lately and it makes me so sad to think how my relationship with my kids have turned out, I 100% hold my hands up to say I wasn't a brilliant mother and I wholly blame myself for the way things have turned out (mostly) and I am trying to make things better but I think I have lost my middle son for good, which breaks my heart.
Two of the three have long term partners, one of them is engaged so I imagine a wedding and grandchildren aren't too far off, I would like to think I could be involved in their life but it's not up to me how they allow me to be in their life, all I can do is be there, let them know if they need anything I am there but at the same time not be over the top with risk of pushing them away further.
I never thought I'd be 45, a mother of 3 but felt more of a mum to my step son than my own. |
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By (user no longer on site) 17 weeks ago
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I live with my daughter. She's pretty much a dream child (she's an adult now)
I kind of get the feeling she's with me for life. I don't know if she'll have kids or start a family. At 24 she is closer to a 17 year old mentally. I tell her all the time there is no expectation for her to care for me later in life. If I got in a bad way I would head to Switzerland anyway. |
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This is a really difficult dilemma for me. I’ve seen the huge benefits & support of multi generational family communities but also believe it’s important for kids to be independent and make thier own life away from their parents .
I think at the moment I try to not have expectations and just let it happen but the thought of not seeing them regularly definitely stops me from retiring anywhere in Asia and is the reason I have two homes. |
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By (user no longer on site) 17 weeks ago
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After a lifetime of 'reverse parenting', my mum and dad married so young they marriage never stood a chance, we are still close though, and seem to be getting closer as I see them age, and se my friends having lost their parents, I dread the days of their passing
As far as my children are concerned, at University and Travelling the world, I know they love me, but I want them to be free. They don’t have to take care of my feelings. I’m happy they have no idea how much I really miss them, and they know that I am always there for them. |
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I always encouraged my kids to lead their lives, I'm here if they need me. My youngest lives away but we see each other when we can and chat at least once a week or so. Eldest bought a house round the corner, I see him every Friday and chat every few days. I'm not in his house all the time, I have a key for emergencies but never pop round without him knowing I am coming
We always have days/nights out planned whether it's just a cinema trip or food. It's great, we have a good balance I feel |
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In reference to my parents, my mum is housebound, my dad is here carer, even though he needs help, he never asks for it and will never take it when offered or tried, he is very stubborn and proud, mum had carers originally and he sent them packing "she's my wife, I take care of her" which is a lovely sentiment but my mum is very "I need help" when she actually can do many things for herself but he has mothered her to much, she just doesn't do much at all now.
I've asked my sister who lives with them (she and my brother have learning difficulties and live at home, he does nothing and my sister does her bit around the home but not with mum) if anything of note happens to either of them to call me immediately as they are the kind to ring me up 2 days later saying "oh dad had a heart attack" 😩.
I've tried to organise some kind of back up for my dad, if ever he has another hospital visit like he did 18 months ago, while I can help for a while, I live far away and I have to earn money too, this was dismissed by my dad of course.
Parents lol |
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We want our children to be independent and we don't expect them to look after us and I particularly am actively trying to avoid a repeat of history, whereby I just expect my children to care for me as I age. It doesn't help that I'm not even able bodied now, in my 30s.
My Dad made zero plans for his old age. He's been this perpetual Peter Pan figure but now the fun has stopped and I am almost entirely responsible for an overgrown toddler with no cognition. I'm now entirely responsible for his finances, which has only increased the work involved with him living "independently". Yesterday, we threw out the majority of the contents of the fridge and freezer (disgusting in the extreme) but we know it was also fruitless (pun not intended) because any more food that ends up within will soon follow in the same way.
Basically, I do NOT want my children to have the expectation of care that's been placed on me. Both my parents used me as an emotional crutch and counsellor throughout my life and it's been damaging. I have also been expected to do a huge amount of domestic work from a very young age - cooking, cleaning, making packed lunches for EVERYONE, looking after pet dogs, ironing, supervising my brother's homework - all from around age 11.
We would hope our children would want to keep in touch with us as they grow up and move out, but they will have their own lives and so we have no expectation of this.
Ultimately, no-one chooses to be born and no-one chooses their parents. I don't think children have any obligation to parents. Parents have chosen to have children ultimately, so the responsibilities are largely one way - parents must take the responsibility to provide the circumstances for successful upbringing as best they can. Once independent, children are autonomous and can choose their own path. Parents should not EXPECT to influence or be involved in that path, it is the choice of the children to involve their parents.
In an idealistic scenario, being wonderful parents with a solid relationship with your children will mean the children naturally include you ongoing. But life isn't idealistic. |
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By *a LunaWoman 17 weeks ago
South Wales |
In an ideal world I would want my children to have independent lives and to just pop in and see me when they wanted to/were able to.
I wouldn’t expect them to look after me day to day but if they’re local then maybe they could pop round to put the bins out.
The reality is, I don’t know if my youngest will ever be able to live independently. So he may carry on living with me until I die, or he may not. I don’t know yet. I try not to think about it too much as it worries me in that I worry who will look after him. I work in the care industry and I know there are some absolutely awful people out there who pray on the vulnerable (financially, physically and emotionally) and I never ever want that to happen to him.
I wouldn’t want his brother to feel he has to look after him either, although I would hope they stay close and he is there if/when needed.
Having looked after my mum (albeit she retains independence, I’m just about to help when needed) I know that it can be a stress and a worry and I wouldn’t want that for them.
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If my daughter needs me I'll be there, but as long as she is happy in her life then I want her to live it as she wants to.
Of course I'd hope she'd check in and see me, but I want it to be because she wants to see me and not feel it an obligation. |
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"This is a really difficult dilemma for me. I’ve seen the huge benefits & support of multi generational family communities but also believe it’s important for kids to be independent and make thier own life away from their parents .
I think at the moment I try to not have expectations and just let it happen but the thought of not seeing them regularly definitely stops me from retiring anywhere in Asia and is the reason I have two homes."
I think too many people look idealistically at multi generational living. In the Middle East, it's either facilitated by copious use of household servants or women devoting their lives to the care of children and elders and keeping house. It stifles the options for women to have careers, unless they can afford home help. |
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Having packed my eldest off for uni only an hour down the road I very much want him to pop home more often than he does. Not entirely for me though, he has siblings who are 7 and 8 who are struggling with him being gone.
However he is at uni, works 2 different work experience jobs and has a paid job so I don't ask very often.
He doesn't have a regular schedule to call but does text regularly and is always on the phone if he needs me which is far more than I ever thought he would.
I would like to hope once his life is settled and if there are children he will want to come home and see me and if I ever needed support he would be there but it's not something I feel entitled to. Either I did a good job or I didn't. I can find visiting my own mother a chore and I never want any of my children to feel like that.
I want a close relationship with my girl and am hoping that as an adult she will still regularly want to do the things we will do over the years between now and then. I already have regular spa days and things planned for us (let's hope puberty goes my way lol). She's much more thoughtful and caring than either of my boys. I do worry that if anything happened to me and I needed caring for that she would be the one to take on the burden and i don't wish that for her at all.
My youngest is a mummy's boy and possibly autistic so have no idea what to expect 🤔 |
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"Inspired by another thread which I don't want to hijack.
What if any, are your expectations of your children once you grow older and they have families of their own?
Do you expect regular visits/contact or to visit/contact them, how far do you expect to be involved in their life, if you need care how much of that do you expect them to provide? If you're lonely or in need of emotional support do you expect your children to provide it or alleviate your loneliness?
Adult children the same questions to you but in reverse. How do you expect to be involved in your parents lives as time moves on?"
I hope my children’s spread their wings and be the best they can be. I do hope we will still be part of their lives. Not just half hour at Christmas!
I still think that they need to put their own lives first though, but I will be more than happy if they devote a little to us. I will miss them like mad when they fly the best. |
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No expectations on them whatsoever, they have their own lives to lead and will contact me when they need me.
When I'm decrepit me and my besties have already chosen, the care home we want to go to, I'm not going to be a burden on my kids  |
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"Inspired by another thread which I don't want to hijack.
What if any, are your expectations of your children once you grow older and they have families of their own?
Do you expect regular visits/contact or to visit/contact them, how far do you expect to be involved in their life, if you need care how much of that do you expect them to provide? If you're lonely or in need of emotional support do you expect your children to provide it or alleviate your loneliness?
Adult children the same questions to you but in reverse. How do you expect to be involved in your parents lives as time moves on?
I hope my children’s spread their wings and be the best they can be. I do hope we will still be part of their lives. Not just half hour at Christmas!
I still think that they need to put their own lives first though, but I will be more than happy if they devote a little to us. I will miss them like mad when they fly the best. "
“Nest |
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I hope they will live close enough that we can all get together for Sunday dinner occasionally but if their lives or carrers take them further away then I'd rather they followed their dreams rather than sticking close for our sake.
I am living for the day that I can go to their house, eat all their food, use all their glasses and then leave without clearing up though.
B |
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Don't have children and don't expect to have. Have limited contact with my nephews, especially the older ones.
Used to have a close relationship with my mum but due to issues with relationship with dad, didn't see her as much as she may have liked since I moved to the UK. Too much of my life has had to be hidden so hard to be around family at times. |
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My parents have made it clear that they've got a nest egg for providing for their own care, when they're unable to do it for themselves.
I talk to my parents a few times a week - mostly Whatsapp messages, occasionally pictures. I probably voice chat with my dad every week to two weeks, my mum less often (this is in some ways reflects the way our relationships shook out when I was a teenager). It can be a bit challenging because of the time difference between us (9 hours in British summer, 11 hours in Australian summer).
My parents visit Europe every 6-18 months (except from 2020-2023) and I see them from anywhere between a day and a week then. |
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We have told both our children that we expect nothing from them emotionally or practically. We know that both of them would help us if we asked but we don't want to impact negatively on their lives. We've also told them to be frank with us if we are obviously in need of extra help but unaware or refusing to accept the fact. The parent/child relationship will make that difficult for them to do probably.
As far as my parents are concerned it's a long story |
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I won’t pester them, they’re adults with their own life’s, they’ll know should the shit hit the fan that I’ll be here to sort their mess out, as all parents are. But once they’ve left they got to make their own way in the big bad world.
The mr |
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"I bought up my children to be strong independent individuals to be able to live a life of their choosing. Not to be having to have mummy call the 24/7 but to know that I am there when needed without judgement.
The best part of being a parent is to see then fly the nest, cut the apron strings and be happy.
Do you visit each other and have days out together?"
I see my son every few weeks as he lives locally and my daughter ever few months as she doesn't live locally. I wouldn't want them to feel that they need to be visiting all the time, they have life's of their own and I am very proud of them.
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By *assy69Man 17 weeks ago
West Sussex and Wales |
"Inspired by another thread which I don't want to hijack.
What if any, are your expectations of your children once you grow older and they have families of their own?
Do you expect regular visits/contact or to visit/contact them, how far do you expect to be involved in their life, if you need care how much of that do you expect them to provide? If you're lonely or in need of emotional support do you expect your children to provide it or alleviate your loneliness?
Adult children the same questions to you but in reverse. How do you expect to be involved in your parents lives as time moves on?"
I want them To stop calling me to ask if I’d call their dentist/doctor/hairdresser to make an appointment for them
I have no expectations beyond hoping they will love their own lives, find their own paths, enjoy life |
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I'd love my kids to go and explore the world.
Of course I would miss them, it was incredibly tough when the oldest moved out but I see them a few times a week and speak every day.
Having parents in different countries and seeing them rarely but speaking every week, I'd love that for my kids but will probably hate it for me!
I realise how lucky I am to have kids and parents!
Mike x |
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By (user no longer on site) 17 weeks ago
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I suppose the biggest thing here is that your kids will still want to part of your life, sometimes you can be the most brilliant parent, make sacrifices that only you know of, the biggest fear or danger of all is that when they grow up they want absolutely nothing to do with you ,now that's extremely tough for any parents & it can & does happen, in life you never know what's gonna happen until it actually happens. |
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