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politely tell mam to fuck off
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask |
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You must have given her a key.
I bet she does your laundry and cleaning.
Maybe she's a bit lonely or just wants a quick gab.
If you've cut your apron strings and really don't want to see her so often then it's time for you to set a boundary
Politely say that you have half an hour on a Sunday afternoon to see her.
Then stick to it .....
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O see mine every Wednesday without fail. Go round for dinner with the children and catch up on whats happening during the week. She doesn't drive so I'm safe with her not coming over. Best to make a non negotiable time to see her so it's fixed and she will wait for that day of the week.hopefully. |
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All I'll say is one day you'd wish for nothing more than her car to be there whilst you pull up.
I know it's probably a pain at times, but just embrace it whilst you can. She won't be around forever |
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By (user no longer on site) 12 weeks ago
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Best thing I did was bin my mum off. It might sound harsh but as Achiltibuie I had to endure her. I kept the relationship going for the sake of my brother and daughter. Now he's dead and she's grown I feel no need to have her in my life. After her last drama that she tried to get me involved with I just cut all ties.
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"You must have given her a key.
I bet she does your laundry and cleaning.
Maybe she's a bit lonely or just wants a quick gab.
If you've cut your apron strings and really don't want to see her so often then it's time for you to set a boundary
Politely say that you have half an hour on a Sunday afternoon to see her.
Then stick to it .....
"
When I changed the lock she helped herself to one of the 5 keys it came with, before that she got herself one cut from my sons key, I stupidly installed a thumb turn lock as kept going to bed with the door unlocked as couldn’t be bothered to find keys late at night to lock so can’t even leave the key in the lock to keep her out
And no she doesent do my washing and cleaning I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself haha |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Make the most of it. You’ll miss her when she’s gone."
This is the other bit I think of mate I get annoyed that she pesters me so much but then I think of that but then I think how she never really liked me growing up and think again haha |
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"Make the most of it. You’ll miss her when she’s gone.
This is the other bit I think of mate I get annoyed that she pesters me so much but then I think of that but then I think how she never really liked me growing up and think again haha "
I’m similar with my Dad. He means well but didn’t make the effort when I was young. He’s making up for it by being a brilliant Grandad to my kids though so I try to go see him when I can. |
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Maybes she’ll have to be in the huff for a bit in order to get to the hint? I would say something along the lines of ‘Mam, can you give me a ring/text before you turn up unannounced, as I’m usually shattered off work and just want to relax and have some peace and quiet’ I dont think that’s unreasonable at all  |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Maybes she’ll have to be in the huff for a bit in order to get to the hint? I would say something along the lines of ‘Mam, can you give me a ring/text before you turn up unannounced, as I’m usually shattered off work and just want to relax and have some peace and quiet’ I dont think that’s unreasonable at all "
Haha you’re right maybe being in the huff is a good thing. She just takes offence at everything no matter how nice you put it that’s why it’s hard to say owt to her even though she’s a cunt a lot of the time god forbid you speak a bit out of line to her otherwise you worst person ever haha |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"If you’ve already tried that, you could say there’s something wrong with your key and you need the spare one back off her lol "
Last time she gave hers back as wor Liam lost his she just borrowed it off him one day and got herself one cut might just change the lock again haha |
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"If you’ve already tried that, you could say there’s something wrong with your key and you need the spare one back off her lol
Last time she gave hers back as wor Liam lost his she just borrowed it off him one day and got herself one cut might just change the lock again haha "
God I couldn’t cope with that 🙈 I think you’re going to have to be honest with her and accept that you’ll be given the silent treatment for a week or two. If nothing else, it’ll be a nice break from her popping round all the time whilst she fumes haha |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Make the most of it. You’ll miss her when she’s gone.
This is the other bit I think of mate I get annoyed that she pesters me so much but then I think of that but then I think how she never really liked me growing up and think again haha
I’m similar with my Dad. He means well but didn’t make the effort when I was young. He’s making up for it by being a brilliant Grandad to my kids though so I try to go see him when I can."
I know we all make mistakes mate, my mother was always made sure we were fed ect but resented me as was born while she on pill and had to go back to work because of it haha she never got up with us Christmas morning or owt and was out every single night and was always angry and quick to lash out as a result we were never close. She says now she’s coming up to see the kids but barely speaks to them they can be upstairs and she will come and go with out even shouting up to them. Do lover her despite this she my mam at the end of the day and once a week for 20 mins would be perfectly fine just as it is I’m either at work or have me mam round never get a single day to self |
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"If you’ve already tried that, you could say there’s something wrong with your key and you need the spare one back off her lol
Last time she gave hers back as wor Liam lost his she just borrowed it off him one day and got herself one cut might just change the lock again haha "
Say 'wor Liam ' again ...... it's lovely. I can hear it. |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"If you’ve already tried that, you could say there’s something wrong with your key and you need the spare one back off her lol
Last time she gave hers back as wor Liam lost his she just borrowed it off him one day and got herself one cut might just change the lock again haha
God I couldn’t cope with that 🙈 I think you’re going to have to be honest with her and accept that you’ll be given the silent treatment for a week or two. If nothing else, it’ll be a nice break from her popping round all the time whilst she fumes haha "
Haha I think you spot on |
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OP. It’s your house right? So your front door being closed should signify that it’s fucking closed.
If your mum doesn’t get that I would take the slightly less polite approach of telling her directly.
You’re old enough to know how to do that by now. And tbh she will get used to it 👍🏻 |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"If you’ve already tried that, you could say there’s something wrong with your key and you need the spare one back off her lol
Last time she gave hers back as wor Liam lost his she just borrowed it off him one day and got herself one cut might just change the lock again haha
Say 'wor Liam ' again ...... it's lovely. I can hear it."
Haha it’s a common term of endearment up here we all say it ! |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"OP. It’s your house right? So your front door being closed should signify that it’s fucking closed.
If your mum doesn’t get that I would take the slightly less polite approach of telling her directly.
You’re old enough to know how to do that by now. And tbh she will get used to it 👍🏻"
Yes it’s my house, she unfortunately doesn't see it that way there was a time when my ex still lived here and even back then she was round every single day off and we decided we wanted a day to ourselves and left the key in the door (didn’t have thin turn locks fitted then) and just spend day watching telly in bed and she arrived and is braying on the door constantly then going to the sitting room window braying on that then calling both mine and my exes phones finally goes quiet and thinking she’s got hint but half an hour later returns and does the exact same banging on door and window and ringing the phones. She did eventually give up but never took the hint think you right going to have to just she does take the huff so easily haha |
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"OP. It’s your house right? So your front door being closed should signify that it’s fucking closed.
If your mum doesn’t get that I would take the slightly less polite approach of telling her directly.
You’re old enough to know how to do that by now. And tbh she will get used to it 👍🏻
Yes it’s my house, she unfortunately doesn't see it that way there was a time when my ex still lived here and even back then she was round every single day off and we decided we wanted a day to ourselves and left the key in the door (didn’t have thin turn locks fitted then) and just spend day watching telly in bed and she arrived and is braying on the door constantly then going to the sitting room window braying on that then calling both mine and my exes phones finally goes quiet and thinking she’s got hint but half an hour later returns and does the exact same banging on door and window and ringing the phones. She did eventually give up but never took the hint think you right going to have to just she does take the huff so easily haha "
I’m afraid she’s going to have to take the huff with you then. Because quite clearly she’s not getting the hints.
I would literally tell her to fuck right off. You are allowed to tell your parents that and still love them. Trust me 😘 |
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Would it be better if you popped into hers every now and then? Maybe on a lunch break so you have a set time period and can 'escape'?
She surely wouldn't need to pop in if you'd been round, would she?!?! |
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I don't think a lot of posters understand how difficult growing up with an abusive/neglectful parent with no respect for your boundaries and autonomy is when they say "you'll be sad when she's gone" etc.
I get it, OP. My mum used to do the same and it was suffocating.
Eventually I decided to tell her it wasn't convenient and send her away every time she turned up unannounced. I was polite, but firm. It took 4 months of "training" and 18 months of sulking on her part, but now we have a better, more balanced, relationship. She rings or messages when she wants to see me, or vice versa, and we enjoy each other's company now (mostly). |
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For years my mam used to cry if she wasn't getting her own way. She still does it with my brother and the bairn, but she packed that shit in with me years ago. Reason she doesn't try it is because I'd ignore it, brush it off, or hang up the phone on her.
She always says I'm hardfaced 
Which I'm not particularly, and I will run around after her now she's in poor health. But I'll still not take the guilt tripping crap. |
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"Make the most of it. You’ll miss her when she’s gone.
This is the other bit I think of mate I get annoyed that she pesters me so much but then I think of that but then I think how she never really liked me growing up and think again haha
I’m similar with my Dad. He means well but didn’t make the effort when I was young. He’s making up for it by being a brilliant Grandad to my kids though so I try to go see him when I can.
I know we all make mistakes mate, my mother was always made sure we were fed ect but resented me as was born while she on pill and had to go back to work because of it haha she never got up with us Christmas morning or owt and was out every single night and was always angry and quick to lash out as a result we were never close. She says now she’s coming up to see the kids but barely speaks to them they can be upstairs and she will come and go with out even shouting up to them. Do lover her despite this she my mam at the end of the day and once a week for 20 mins would be perfectly fine just as it is I’m either at work or have me mam round never get a single day to self "
Just have a conversation with her. Surely she’ll understand that you need time to unwind after a hard days graft. |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"OP. It’s your house right? So your front door being closed should signify that it’s fucking closed.
If your mum doesn’t get that I would take the slightly less polite approach of telling her directly.
You’re old enough to know how to do that by now. And tbh she will get used to it 👍🏻
Yes it’s my house, she unfortunately doesn't see it that way there was a time when my ex still lived here and even back then she was round every single day off and we decided we wanted a day to ourselves and left the key in the door (didn’t have thin turn locks fitted then) and just spend day watching telly in bed and she arrived and is braying on the door constantly then going to the sitting room window braying on that then calling both mine and my exes phones finally goes quiet and thinking she’s got hint but half an hour later returns and does the exact same banging on door and window and ringing the phones. She did eventually give up but never took the hint think you right going to have to just she does take the huff so easily haha
I’m afraid she’s going to have to take the huff with you then. Because quite clearly she’s not getting the hints.
I would literally tell her to fuck right off. You are allowed to tell your parents that and still love them. Trust me 😘"
Haha thank you for the advice |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Would it be better if you popped into hers every now and then? Maybe on a lunch break so you have a set time period and can 'escape'?
She surely wouldn't need to pop in if you'd been round, would she?!?!"
I’ve tried it mate it didn’t one time I called through the day and on my way out she said “I’ll pop up later” hsha |
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The thing is we (nearly) all feel we owe our parents. In a way we do but we have lives of our own to lead and we aren't here to stop our parents feeling lonely or to be their carers. If you don't make it clear now where your boundaries are her reliance on you will grow over the years. Get clear in your own mind how much time you're prepared to give and when then tell her. If she turns up at other times gently tell her that you'll be seeing her at the next agreed time and go about your business. Maybe research some clubs or activities you can suggest.
I know this sounds harsh but I know from experience that you need to establish this now. When my mum died my dad began to behave as if I would step into her shoes (he still tries now) and I had to be quite firm. It's not easy but if you don't do it now you will find it even more difficult later. |
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"Would it be better if you popped into hers every now and then? Maybe on a lunch break so you have a set time period and can 'escape'?
She surely wouldn't need to pop in if you'd been round, would she?!?!
I’ve tried it mate it didn’t one time I called through the day and on my way out she said “I’ll pop up later” hsha "
How old is your mum? |
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask "
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it |
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it"
You can appreciate your parents while still wanting them to give you privacy |
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it
You can appreciate your parents while still wanting them to give you privacy"
How would you do it then. |
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it
You can appreciate your parents while still wanting them to give you privacy
How would you do it then."
I've said above |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"I don't think a lot of posters understand how difficult growing up with an abusive/neglectful parent with no respect for your boundaries and autonomy is when they say "you'll be sad when she's gone" etc.
I get it, OP. My mum used to do the same and it was suffocating.
Eventually I decided to tell her it wasn't convenient and send her away every time she turned up unannounced. I was polite, but firm. It took 4 months of "training" and 18 months of sulking on her part, but now we have a better, more balanced, relationship. She rings or messages when she wants to see me, or vice versa, and we enjoy each other's company now (mostly)."
Definitely although I can understand if never experienced it can be difficult to comprehend how we could feel the way we do towards our mothers. I definitely thinki need to do something very similar to what you have done for my own sanity |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Would it be better if you popped into hers every now and then? Maybe on a lunch break so you have a set time period and can 'escape'?
She surely wouldn't need to pop in if you'd been round, would she?!?!
I’ve tried it mate it didn’t one time I called through the day and on my way out she said “I’ll pop up later” hsha
How old is your mum?"
She is 74 |
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"Definitely although I can understand if never experienced it can be difficult to comprehend how we could feel the way we do towards our mothers. I definitely thinki need to do something very similar to what you have done for my own sanity "
Good luck, OP. It's going to be hard, but hopefully worth it. She'll probably respond very badly at first because I bet my bottom dollar that she doesn't see you as a person with autonomy, but as an extension of herself. |
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it"
I’ve lost my Mum and miss her terribly but still understand the need for boundaries. The obligation to be a good son/daughter or the worry of missing your parents when they’re gone shouldn’t give them a green light to do what they like. The OP’s mother is being very intrusive and should be put in her place, especially if she hasn’t took more gentle hints in the past. |
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"Would it be better if you popped into hers every now and then? Maybe on a lunch break so you have a set time period and can 'escape'?
She surely wouldn't need to pop in if you'd been round, would she?!?!
I’ve tried it mate it didn’t one time I called through the day and on my way out she said “I’ll pop up later” hsha "
Ah, jeez. Tough one, mate. I know I'd find that hard to deal with too...
Lots of good advice above, but get that key back if nothing else!!! |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it"
I’m not saying I never want to see her again just to cut it down to once a week. yes I’d miss my mother if she died abs be a bit sad but we were never close due to her own actions |
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"Would it be better if you popped into hers every now and then? Maybe on a lunch break so you have a set time period and can 'escape'?
She surely wouldn't need to pop in if you'd been round, would she?!?!
I’ve tried it mate it didn’t one time I called through the day and on my way out she said “I’ll pop up later” hsha
How old is your mum?
She is 74"
Consider this. My dad is 97, he relies on me very heavily emotionally and both of us practically, while I don't begrudge this I have had to consciously decide exactly how much time I'm prepared to devote to him because I have a life and relationship of my own to maintain. Are you prepared for your mum to still be relying this heavily on you in 25 years time when you're in your 60s? |
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it"
I adore my Mum. I also don't want her to pop round every day. The latter doesn't affect the former.
I don't think the OP's attitude is an issue - he said he's trying to find a way of dealing with it without hurting her feelings. |
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By (user no longer on site) 12 weeks ago
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"All I'll say is one day you'd wish for nothing more than her car to be there whilst you pull up.
I know it's probably a pain at times, but just embrace it whilst you can. She won't be around forever "
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it
You can appreciate your parents while still wanting them to give you privacy
How would you do it then.
I've said above"
Ah okay.. I thought you were joking |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it
I’ve lost my Mum and miss her terribly but still understand the need for boundaries. The obligation to be a good son/daughter or the worry of missing your parents when they’re gone shouldn’t give them a green light to do what they like. The OP’s mother is being very intrusive and should be put in her place, especially if she hasn’t took more gentle hints in the past."
Sorry about your mam |
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Yes, there will be a day when she's no longer around. And that will be hard. But that doesn't give her the green light to suffocate you. She is invading your personal space and time. If you were talking about a crazy ex, everyone would tell you to put her straight and get her out of your life. Being family isn't a get out of jail free card, whatever the situation.
I feel you need to tell her but as I'm in a very similar situation with my mum, I completely understand it's easier said than done. And I wouldn't know where to start with taking my own advice! 😂 |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Would it be better if you popped into hers every now and then? Maybe on a lunch break so you have a set time period and can 'escape'?
She surely wouldn't need to pop in if you'd been round, would she?!?!
I’ve tried it mate it didn’t one time I called through the day and on my way out she said “I’ll pop up later” hsha
How old is your mum?
She is 74
Consider this. My dad is 97, he relies on me very heavily emotionally and both of us practically, while I don't begrudge this I have had to consciously decide exactly how much time I'm prepared to devote to him because I have a life and relationship of my own to maintain. Are you prepared for your mum to still be relying this heavily on you in 25 years time when you're in your 60s?"
Thst sounds hard I feel bad for moaning when others like yourself have it far harder sorry, I have told my mam I’d put a bed in the other reception room and let her live here if needed care not really thinking it through guess would have to adapt at the time |
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Hi op. I live on the same street as my mum and sometimes she pops in three times a day but I don't mind.
Could you not say your tired after work but be happy to see her every what ever day and spend some quality time with her. Maybe cook her tea once a week and spend quality time with her |
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask "
Tough to say what you should to be honest. It kind of the price we have to pay for having our lives enriched by others. Might seem like a bit of a pain when you just want time to yourself but it a two way thing with being there for others as well as them being there for you . It does honestly sound like she lonely and wants to play a better role in your life and that’s a rare gift while it’s there. It doesn’t sound like she deliberately being overbearing or disrespectful of your boundaries. Maybe and I say maybe as I can’t really advise on the situation or your relationship with her as I know to little but, maybe try finding out what’s going on with her in her life? Maybe she lonely or maybe she has something more pressing playing on her mind you can help resolve. If she likes bingo and struggling socially, why not take her to a bingo club a couple of times when you both agree to do something and try socialising with some of the others and help make some new friends? I could be completely wrong but you’ve lose nothing in trying if that’s the case and potential it may lead to a happier mom and less intrusion into your free time? |
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"Would it be better if you popped into hers every now and then? Maybe on a lunch break so you have a set time period and can 'escape'?
She surely wouldn't need to pop in if you'd been round, would she?!?!
I’ve tried it mate it didn’t one time I called through the day and on my way out she said “I’ll pop up later” hsha
How old is your mum?
She is 74
Consider this. My dad is 97, he relies on me very heavily emotionally and both of us practically, while I don't begrudge this I have had to consciously decide exactly how much time I'm prepared to devote to him because I have a life and relationship of my own to maintain. Are you prepared for your mum to still be relying this heavily on you in 25 years time when you're in your 60s?
Thst sounds hard I feel bad for moaning when others like yourself have it far harder sorry, I have told my mam I’d put a bed in the other reception room and let her live here if needed care not really thinking it through guess would have to adapt at the time "
Don't feel bad, you have a genuine concern and I only used my situation as an example of the impact this kind of situation can have . I sympathise with you situation and hope you can find a solution.
I know it was a joke but Bad Nanna's suggestion of finding her a boyfriend isn't a bad idea. Not necessarily a boyfriend but if she had a wider circle of friends she wouldn't rely on you so much. Can you encourage her to join some clubs etc at the same time as trying to get her to stop coming round so much? |
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By (user no longer on site) 12 weeks ago
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask "
Whatever her past shortcoming and failings may be, your Mum protected you when you were just starting out. She will not be around forever, as many have said here, so please honour her. Maybe her wanting to see you know is her way of saying I'm sorry' ?
I speak from an imperfect family. |
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it
I’ve lost my Mum and miss her terribly but still understand the need for boundaries. The obligation to be a good son/daughter or the worry of missing your parents when they’re gone shouldn’t give them a green light to do what they like. The OP’s mother is being very intrusive and should be put in her place, especially if she hasn’t took more gentle hints in the past.
Sorry about your mam "
Thank you. It was a long time ago now, but if it helps to give a different perspective, I wouldn’t be silenced by those saying ‘you’ll regret it when she’s gone’ etc. You deserve your peace and privacy and she should respect your wishes. Hope you get sorted x |
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
Whatever her past shortcoming and failings may be, your Mum protected you when you were just starting out. She will not be around forever, as many have said here, so please honour her. Maybe her wanting to see you know is her way of saying I'm sorry' ?
I speak from an imperfect family."
He is honouring her, he's told her she can live with him if she ever needs care. That's huge. |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Get a Doberman, or arrange an orgy for when you know she'll be round and have her accidentally catch you all naked and fornicating.
Find her a boyfriend. "
Haha she would just feed the Doberman I’m honestly considering getting a parrot as she is shit frightened of birds my aunty Brenda gave me a cockatiel when I was a kid but I wasn’t allowed to take it home because of her and just getting it out every time she comes. |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Yes, there will be a day when she's no longer around. And that will be hard. But that doesn't give her the green light to suffocate you. She is invading your personal space and time. If you were talking about a crazy ex, everyone would tell you to put her straight and get her out of your life. Being family isn't a get out of jail free card, whatever the situation.
I feel you need to tell her but as I'm in a very similar situation with my mum, I completely understand it's easier said than done. And I wouldn't know where to start with taking my own advice! 😂"
Sorry you going through the same thing it is hard to do haha |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
I seriously think you should re evaluate your attitude. Because when she's gone it'll be too late!
Appreciate her while she's around or you'll regret it
I’ve lost my Mum and miss her terribly but still understand the need for boundaries. The obligation to be a good son/daughter or the worry of missing your parents when they’re gone shouldn’t give them a green light to do what they like. The OP’s mother is being very intrusive and should be put in her place, especially if she hasn’t took more gentle hints in the past.
Sorry about your mam
Thank you. It was a long time ago now, but if it helps to give a different perspective, I wouldn’t be silenced by those saying ‘you’ll regret it when she’s gone’ etc. You deserve your peace and privacy and she should respect your wishes. Hope you get sorted x"
Thank you, your advice on here is always greatly appreciated x |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
Tough to say what you should to be honest. It kind of the price we have to pay for having our lives enriched by others. Might seem like a bit of a pain when you just want time to yourself but it a two way thing with being there for others as well as them being there for you . It does honestly sound like she lonely and wants to play a better role in your life and that’s a rare gift while it’s there. It doesn’t sound like she deliberately being overbearing or disrespectful of your boundaries. Maybe and I say maybe as I can’t really advise on the situation or your relationship with her as I know to little but, maybe try finding out what’s going on with her in her life? Maybe she lonely or maybe she has something more pressing playing on her mind you can help resolve. If she likes bingo and struggling socially, why not take her to a bingo club a couple of times when you both agree to do something and try socialising with some of the others and help make some new friends? I could be completely wrong but you’ve lose nothing in trying if that’s the case and potential it may lead to a happier mom and less intrusion into your free time? "
She can’t be that lonely mate my niece and her kids are currently living with her, plus she has a pretty active social life with the club on a Friday, bingo Sunday, midweek dinner at the Salvation Army, 3 good friends she sees 2 of them every single day so she definitely not lonely |
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"Would it be better if you popped into hers every now and then? Maybe on a lunch break so you have a set time period and can 'escape'?
She surely wouldn't need to pop in if you'd been round, would she?!?!
I’ve tried it mate it didn’t one time I called through the day and on my way out she said “I’ll pop up later” hsha
How old is your mum?
She is 74"
Christ's sake N.C. Why did you ask ......  |
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By (user no longer on site) 12 weeks ago
|
"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
Whatever her past shortcoming and failings may be, your Mum protected you when you were just starting out. She will not be around forever, as many have said here, so please honour her. Maybe her wanting to see you know is her way of saying I'm sorry' ?
I speak from an imperfect family.
He is honouring her, he's told her she can live with him if she ever needs care. That's huge. "
There is no right or wrong here, No axioms. I was merely stating my view, and my view is to show love to my (imperfect) parents when they are cognisant and mobile. When they die, if that is before me, then I will have no regrets. Is that what unconditional love is ? |
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"Would it be better if you popped into hers every now and then? Maybe on a lunch break so you have a set time period and can 'escape'?
She surely wouldn't need to pop in if you'd been round, would she?!?!
I’ve tried it mate it didn’t one time I called through the day and on my way out she said “I’ll pop up later” hsha
How old is your mum?
She is 74
Christ's sake N.C. Why did you ask ...... "
 |
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"Get a mate she doesn't know to answer the door and tell her you moved out yesterday.
Hahaha I might try it see if she buys it but she’s very sharp for her age still "
She's 74 I wouldn't use the word 'still' I'd expect anyone in decent health to be sharp at that age. Could part of your difficulty be that you assume you need to be less direct because of her age? As someone who isn't far off that I can tell you, you don't. |
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask "
Ugh! I think you need to be blunt with her, at least if 'ers got the hump then you might not see her for a bit....nothing wrong with setting boundaries.
My eldest lad only lives around the corner from me and I would never dream of popping round unexpected, I always message him first.
I do have a key to his home, but would never let myself in without his consent. Yeah set some boundaries before the resentment over spills
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
Whatever her past shortcoming and failings may be, your Mum protected you when you were just starting out. She will not be around forever, as many have said here, so please honour her. Maybe her wanting to see you know is her way of saying I'm sorry' ?
I speak from an imperfect family.
He is honouring her, he's told her she can live with him if she ever needs care. That's huge.
There is no right or wrong here, No axioms. I was merely stating my view, and my view is to show love to my (imperfect) parents when they are cognisant and mobile. When they die, if that is before me, then I will have no regrets. Is that what unconditional love is ?"
I'm stating my view also. I think you have to be very careful about promising unconditional love. |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Get a mate she doesn't know to answer the door and tell her you moved out yesterday.
Hahaha I might try it see if she buys it but she’s very sharp for her age still
She's 74 I wouldn't use the word 'still' I'd expect anyone in decent health to be sharp at that age. Could part of your difficulty be that you assume you need to be less direct because of her age? As someone who isn't far off that I can tell you, you don't."
Not because of her age it’s more so the combination of that my dad would have wanted me to look after her so causing upset to her would be failing him and both my sisters are far less tolerant than me and don’t speak to her. I didn’t mean anything bad by the still sharp comment it’s just she can run rings round me memory wise and I’m only 40 that’s the only thing I based it off not any expectation based on her age |
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By *929 OP Man 12 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
Ugh! I think you need to be blunt with her, at least if 'ers got the hump then you might not see her for a bit....nothing wrong with setting boundaries.
My eldest lad only lives around the corner from me and I would never dream of popping round unexpected, I always message him first.
I do have a key to his home, but would never let myself in without his consent. Yeah set some boundaries before the resentment over spills
"
I wish my mother was as considerate haha there been times she’s let herself in when I have a mate over (which is very rare as I do t really like people being in my house) and she just makes herself a cup of tea sits down with us and joins in whatever we are talking about haha one mate was so uncomfortable he left and came back later that evening |
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By (user no longer on site) 12 weeks ago
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"Without causing her to take the huff?
She calls round every day I’m off work and often after work, today was at work till half 5 and came home to see her car outside and she’s already in my hoose, all I wanted to do was grab some bait and stretch out on the cooch as been kneeling down all day but she proceeded to sit there and talk and ask questions like I was being interrogated. The other week she was here 4 times. If I get rained off work she sees my van and calls in.
Might sound selfish but we never got close as she preferred to be at the bingo every night when we were growing up so none of us are close to her but she tries to force it now she got nowt else
Just want her to come maybe once a week max ffs haha not ower much to ask
Whatever her past shortcoming and failings may be, your Mum protected you when you were just starting out. She will not be around forever, as many have said here, so please honour her. Maybe her wanting to see you know is her way of saying I'm sorry' ?
I speak from an imperfect family.
He is honouring her, he's told her she can live with him if she ever needs care. That's huge.
There is no right or wrong here, No axioms. I was merely stating my view, and my view is to show love to my (imperfect) parents when they are cognisant and mobile. When they die, if that is before me, then I will have no regrets. Is that what unconditional love is ?
I'm stating my view also. I think you have to be very careful about promising unconditional love."
My whole life has been 'full of care', and I respect you, and your views. always. |
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"Get a mate she doesn't know to answer the door and tell her you moved out yesterday.
Hahaha I might try it see if she buys it but she’s very sharp for her age still
She's 74 I wouldn't use the word 'still' I'd expect anyone in decent health to be sharp at that age. Could part of your difficulty be that you assume you need to be less direct because of her age? As someone who isn't far off that I can tell you, you don't.
Not because of her age it’s more so the combination of that my dad would have wanted me to look after her so causing upset to her would be failing him and both my sisters are far less tolerant than me and don’t speak to her. I didn’t mean anything bad by the still sharp comment it’s just she can run rings round me memory wise and I’m only 40 that’s the only thing I based it off not any expectation based on her age "
I can see how you feel you need to accept her behaviour but I think she might know this and take advantage of it. Family dynamics eh! Good for you,your hearts in the right place you'll do what's right for you both I'm sure.
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Difficult one really, you want to be kind to her and not upset her but reading through, it seems like you have tried, I think the direct approach and standing firm is all you can do.
I've never been particularly close to my mum, she's housebound now, hasn't left the house for 6 years (apart from military style planned trips to the hospital), I would love for her to be able to come round mine (even if we could get her in a car, she still couldn't as we live up 3 flights of stairs, which she can't do) but saying that, I know with in half hour I would want her to leave again, we went to see her, dad and sister at the start of the summer holidays and I felt emotionally drained when we left, my dad, I could see him for a few hours but my mum? She never listens to a word I say, can't hear me and when she is "listening" you can see her listening to someone else and then acts surprised when I tell her the same thing a few days later, it's honestly so draining, I've been through therapy this year to try and cope with my childhood, don't get me wrong I wanted for nothing but never got affection or love.
Good luck OP, I wish you well x |
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By *929 OP Man 11 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Get a mate she doesn't know to answer the door and tell her you moved out yesterday.
Hahaha I might try it see if she buys it but she’s very sharp for her age still
She's 74 I wouldn't use the word 'still' I'd expect anyone in decent health to be sharp at that age. Could part of your difficulty be that you assume you need to be less direct because of her age? As someone who isn't far off that I can tell you, you don't.
Not because of her age it’s more so the combination of that my dad would have wanted me to look after her so causing upset to her would be failing him and both my sisters are far less tolerant than me and don’t speak to her. I didn’t mean anything bad by the still sharp comment it’s just she can run rings round me memory wise and I’m only 40 that’s the only thing I based it off not any expectation based on her age
I can see how you feel you need to accept her behaviour but I think she might know this and take advantage of it. Family dynamics eh! Good for you,your hearts in the right place you'll do what's right for you both I'm sure.
"
Haha you might be right thank you for all your input on this thread |
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By *929 OP Man 11 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Difficult one really, you want to be kind to her and not upset her but reading through, it seems like you have tried, I think the direct approach and standing firm is all you can do.
I've never been particularly close to my mum, she's housebound now, hasn't left the house for 6 years (apart from military style planned trips to the hospital), I would love for her to be able to come round mine (even if we could get her in a car, she still couldn't as we live up 3 flights of stairs, which she can't do) but saying that, I know with in half hour I would want her to leave again, we went to see her, dad and sister at the start of the summer holidays and I felt emotionally drained when we left, my dad, I could see him for a few hours but my mum? She never listens to a word I say, can't hear me and when she is "listening" you can see her listening to someone else and then acts surprised when I tell her the same thing a few days later, it's honestly so draining, I've been through therapy this year to try and cope with my childhood, don't get me wrong I wanted for nothing but never got affection or love.
Good luck OP, I wish you well x"
Thank you. I understand what you mean at about the half an hour mark I’m up a height wishing she would hurry up and leave. Very Similar to you we were well fed and looked ages that way but love and attention were completely absent as well as her being very nasty at times as well as very quick to lash out physically. Some of the things she’s said as a kid still remain in my memory today and often think of them when trying to sleep at night. Sorry for your experiences and thank you for taking time to reply |
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Yes need to communicate with both words and actions. And be consistent.
Once you've decided what you want, rather than what you don't want, you can make sure that it's clear.
There will be pain. But there's nothing like consistency and firm boundary setting, in what you say and do, to get the message understood. |
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Got to be cruel to be kind, my mum was like this ringing me all the time telling me the same story over and over again, pestering me, now she doesn’t ring unless there’s an emergency, got to put her in her place just because she’s your mum doesn’t mean you can’t tell her to leave you alone a bit and that she’s being a bit of a dick.
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Let her interrupt a fab meet, she might start phoning first
Seriously though you are going to have to be direct with her, if she takes offence then so be it but you can’t live your life like that.
She does sound bored. |
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"Put her in a care home OP, that'll learn her 
He's already told her if she needs care she can move in with him. At the moment she doesn't she just needs to stop letting herself into his house so he can have a private life. "
I was joking,but sounds like she's lonely and she cares. |
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"Put her in a care home OP, that'll learn her
He's already told her if she needs care she can move in with him. At the moment she doesn't she just needs to stop letting herself into his house so he can have a private life.
I was joking,but sounds like she's lonely and she cares."
Ah ok I understand.
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This thread has really got my interest. Probably because i'm not far off the O.P's mum's age and partly because it's made me question contact between my children and me. (youngest is 39 eldest 46) ... but mostly because it's made me question what exactly 'family' is and what it means to us.
It seems - in some cases - that once they reach adulthood and have their own place and partners that part of that 'family' becomes obsolete and there are no ethical issues around shutting them out or 'putting them in their place' ....
Truly has made me think about my 'moaning' when my family contact me. |
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By *929 OP Man 11 weeks ago
newcastle |
Thank you all for input did want to reply to all but was getting confused as when typing replies more was appearing haha
Away for the week from today and as I return from picking up hire car she’s in my house making a cup of tea now sitting talking shite when I should be setting off on an 8 hour drive ffs so definitely need to say summat when back haha |
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By *a LunaWoman 11 weeks ago
South Wales |
"Thank you all for input did want to reply to all but was getting confused as when typing replies more was appearing haha
Away for the week from today and as I return from picking up hire car she’s in my house making a cup of tea now sitting talking shite when I should be setting off on an 8 hour drive ffs so definitely need to say summat when back haha "
I’d say it now. Then you have a week away for her to sulk |
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"Thank you all for input did want to reply to all but was getting confused as when typing replies more was appearing haha
Away for the week from today and as I return from picking up hire car she’s in my house making a cup of tea now sitting talking shite when I should be setting off on an 8 hour drive ffs so definitely need to say summat when back haha "
Oh lord!
I have a mate. She's in her late fifties and single. Her parents live nearby and have a key. They let themselves in when she's out, open her mail, eat her food, complain that things need doing and arrange for workmen to do them. When we're out together they contact her frequently with queries and asking her to run errands. Compared to her you're getting away lightly |
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