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Am I being played
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Was chatting/facetiming with someone religiously for a few weeks, met had an amazing connection, he wined and dined me, took me away I was besotted and then he just disappeared for a week, nothing, nada, I messaged a few times no response so thought red flag and left it, now he’s back and said sorry crisis at work/family been super busy.
Am i wrong in thinking just a quick msg wouldn’t have gone amiss, he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and we just carry on.
What would you do?
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By *vaRose43Woman 17 weeks ago
Forest of Dean |
If contact was regular beforehand and then suddenly nothing I’d be miffed.
Obviously it also depends on the nature of your connection. If it’s not ironed out then perhaps he sees things as a very casual fab fling and not something more like yourself.
I’d give him the chance to explain and for you two to talk it out but it definitely raises a couple of warning orange flags. It may be that something genuinely did happen, so I’d definitely want to hear the explanation. |
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No I definitely think you are right to be concerned lovely.
Everyone has emergencies be it work or family come up.
But who doesn’t have their phone on them these days?
And how long does it take to write and send a….”got a few issues at the minute” message?
Just go with you’re gut that’s the best way lovely |
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It takes 10 seconds to send a text, not even that.
If you aren't worth 10 seconds of his time then why waste it on him.
A week with no contact would be a massive red flag for us, get out of dodge whilst you still can |
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It depends. What are the circumstances of your relationship? Have you committed to keep in touch with each other on a regular basis, have you discussed what your expectations of each other are? At the moment you seem to expect regular contact and he doesn't for whatever reason. This means you're not compatible because he'll never be able to give you what you want consistently, he's shown that early on. Neither of you are wrong though, you just want different things. |
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"Thanks everyone
As far as I’m aware he’s not married, he dosnt have the normal traits of those that are cheating at the moment anyway but who knows on here 🤯"
I don’t think there are so called normal traits. People can create any persona they want
I think there are two questions
1. Is what he did acceptable to you?
2. How would he react if you’d done the same to him?
Don’t allow anyone to act behaviourally in a way that is unacceptable to you |
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I suspect he has a wife at home. Although did you tell him you’re besotted with him? That might have scared him off for a while. Has happened with me when someone tells me they have feels and I was looking at them as a fwb… I retreat back and have to give myself time to think about things as I get overwhelmed. |
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By *hilloutMan 17 weeks ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
"If contact was regular beforehand and then suddenly nothing I’d be miffed.
Obviously it also depends on the nature of your connection. If it’s not ironed out then perhaps he sees things as a very casual fab fling and not something more like yourself.
I’d give him the chance to explain and for you two to talk it out but it definitely raises a couple of warning orange flags. It may be that something genuinely did happen, so I’d definitely want to hear the explanation."
^^
This |
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"I suspect he has a wife at home. Although did you tell him you’re besotted with him? That might have scared him off for a while. Has happened with me when someone tells me they have feels and I was looking at them as a fwb… I retreat back and have to give myself time to think about things as I get overwhelmed. "
No I’ve not told him that, he’s the one pushing it more saying he’s never felt like this and wasn’t expecting to find it here of all places.
I will speak to him about it but I don’t want to then come across like B reindeer
Thank you |
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He definitely owes you an explanation. Having that much contact then disappearing would raise major red flags to me. Almost like he’s done the legwork enough to get you into bed, got what he wanted then fucked off.
Not good. He owes you an explanation and an apology. |
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"I suspect he has a wife at home. Although did you tell him you’re besotted with him? That might have scared him off for a while. Has happened with me when someone tells me they have feels and I was looking at them as a fwb… I retreat back and have to give myself time to think about things as I get overwhelmed.
No I’ve not told him that, he’s the one pushing it more saying he’s never felt like this and wasn’t expecting to find it here of all places.
I will speak to him about it but I don’t want to then come across like B reindeer
Thank you"
For wanting to discuss what you both expect from a relationship? That's not stalking it's mature behaviour |
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It would make me think he's one of those that gets what they want and goes quiet until they next want it.
Or as someone else said, he's in a relationship and felt guilty about what he'd done.
Either way I'd be v wary of him, there's no reason someone can't message you, unless they're seriously ill.
I used to chat to someone who tried to do this years ago, but I just cut them off. It's shady. |
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"Was chatting/facetiming with someone religiously for a few weeks, met had an amazing connection, he wined and dined me, took me away I was besotted and then he just disappeared for a week, nothing, nada, I messaged a few times no response so thought red flag and left it, now he’s back and said sorry crisis at work/family been super busy.
Am i wrong in thinking just a quick msg wouldn’t have gone amiss, he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and we just carry on.
What would you do?
"
Respect is a big thing for us - there are two points respect hasn’t been shown - not letting you know that they were going to be too busy to chat/message. Also him thinking he’s done nothing wrong and just carry on - if he doesn’t think you should be raising this point and you should forgot it suggests there is no respect for your feelings.
The flags are there and only him explaining and giving you the time and respect you want is going to be sufficient.
K |
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"Was chatting/facetiming with someone religiously for a few weeks, met had an amazing connection, he wined and dined me, took me away I was besotted and then he just disappeared for a week, nothing, nada, I messaged a few times no response so thought red flag and left it, now he’s back and said sorry crisis at work/family been super busy.
Am i wrong in thinking just a quick msg wouldn’t have gone amiss, he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and we just carry on.
What would you do?
"
OP this is a swingers site.. becoming besotted with someone after a few weeks is a bit much.
He's free to do whatever he likes as much as you are. He might not have anywhere close to the feels you do and be simply going about life, he might not realise you've got fanny flutters day and night, he might be hiding 3 wives - it's anyone's guess.
Believe him or don't, give him a chance or don't but falling head over heels that quick sounds like you've just lost your first meet virginity.
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"I suspect he has a wife at home. Although did you tell him you’re besotted with him? That might have scared him off for a while. Has happened with me when someone tells me they have feels and I was looking at them as a fwb… I retreat back and have to give myself time to think about things as I get overwhelmed.
No I’ve not told him that, he’s the one pushing it more saying he’s never felt like this and wasn’t expecting to find it here of all places.
I will speak to him about it but I don’t want to then come across like B reindeer
Thank you"
So you were both besotted then.
Meets aren't like what they used to be  |
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Maybe he is busy or had a family crisis.
We've all had them and they can consume your time.
OK, a quick message would have been nice but if it was a family emergency then you come second.
May sound harsh but in my mind it's true.
Can you imagine his distress if his wife or his kids had become ill, they need his full time attention.
Give him another go.
You say you had a great time, thats a result
You may have another great time and some fantastic sex and he then may never return, isn't that what swinging is about, recreational, no strings sex.
I'm a married lady so only looking for recreational sex.
If it was a relationship I was looking for, I give swinging sites a big swerve.
If I was in your shoes, I'd have another lovely night with him and expect nothing more.
Good luck.
Liz. X
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Whatever this sort of thing happens to me. I think about the amount of time my three boys ( 16,18,20) sit on the toilet with their phone and I'm sorry but if a grown ass man can't spend 30 seconds of that 5 minutes that they spend sat on the toilet with their phone just to send me a message and say " i'm sorry things are a bit hectic at the moment. I'll be in contact when I can then." He really isn't worth it!! |
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Can you imagine his distress if his wife or his kids had become ill, they need his full time attention.
"
Obviously if that were the case, he can't care that much about them if he's swinging behind her back...that's a tad hypocritical |
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"Whatever this sort of thing happens to me. I think about the amount of time my three boys ( 16,18,20) sit on the toilet with their phone and I'm sorry but if a grown ass man can't spend 30 seconds of that 5 minutes that they spend sat on the toilet with their phone just to send me a message and say " i'm sorry things are a bit hectic at the moment. I'll be in contact when I can then." He really isn't worth it!! "
Valid point. I do all my fabmin on the toilet 😂 |
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"Was chatting/facetiming with someone religiously for a few weeks, met had an amazing connection, he wined and dined me, took me away I was besotted and then he just disappeared for a week, nothing, nada, I messaged a few times no response so thought red flag and left it, now he’s back and said sorry crisis at work/family been super busy.
Am i wrong in thinking just a quick msg wouldn’t have gone amiss, he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and we just carry on.
What would you do?
OP this is a swingers site.. becoming besotted with someone after a few weeks is a bit much.
He's free to do whatever he likes as much as you are. He might not have anywhere close to the feels you do and be simply going about life, he might not realise you've got fanny flutters day and night, he might be hiding 3 wives - it's anyone's guess.
Believe him or don't, give him a chance or don't but falling head over heels that quick sounds like you've just lost your first meet virginity.
"
Thank you for your advice but I can assure you I’m well versed in how this lifestyle works
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Run away. There's always time for a quick "sorry won't be in touch for a few days" message.
When I started dating Mrs Bang Bang I used to work in the middle of no where with no phone reception for months on end but I'd still find a way to get an email or something.
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site) 17 weeks ago
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It depends.
What I realised a long time ago is other people are not me and don’t do things my way.
Would I be bothered? I’m not sure how invested I am with them, if a lot then yes I would be bothered if they didn’t answer. But is it’s just a casual thing, then no, people have lives away from me, I get it.
Would I act that way? No, I’d have given a quick reply like you probably expected.
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I'd certainly be cautious but only you know the context and style of your relationship. Plus what year own rules, tolerance levels will be, for the outcome that you seek.
If I'd sent anything akin to wanting to know if everything was ok and I didn't hear, then I'd probably not continue any contact, unless someone informed me of the details that would support them being out of contact, without it being pushed for.
If I was expecting a committed LTR relationship, I'd probably have seen a red flag and heeded it. |
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"Was chatting/facetiming with someone religiously for a few weeks, met had an amazing connection, he wined and dined me, took me away I was besotted and then he just disappeared for a week, nothing, nada, I messaged a few times no response so thought red flag and left it, now he’s back and said sorry crisis at work/family been super busy.
Am i wrong in thinking just a quick msg wouldn’t have gone amiss, he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and we just carry on.
What would you do?
"
Trust your instincts! There is always time to message. Make sure you enjoy yourself and don't wait for him. |
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Have you any reason not to believe that he all off a sudden had a busy week?
Million reasons why he needed a week to himself, not all good but certainly not all bad.
Only you can decide if you think he is worth the effort. |
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By *eah BabyCouple 17 weeks ago
Cheshire, Windermere ,Cumbria |
I’m sure your inbox is full of guys wanting to meet, if this one can’t be bothered to send a quick message to say sorry I’ve got a lot going on then he’s not worth your time even posting on here, yes it’s a swinger site not a relationship finder but come on a little respect should be the least someone can give. |
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By *B69Woman 17 weeks ago
Wiltshire |
I agree if he has any respect for you a quick msg dosnt take long, maybe hard for you to hear and take on board so imagine if a friend was telling you what you have said, what would your response be to her.
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"Was chatting/facetiming with someone religiously for a few weeks, met had an amazing connection, he wined and dined me, took me away I was besotted and then he just disappeared for a week, nothing, nada, I messaged a few times no response so thought red flag and left it, now he’s back and said sorry crisis at work/family been super busy.
Am i wrong in thinking just a quick msg wouldn’t have gone amiss, he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and we just carry on.
What would you do?
"
Red flag 🚩 it seems like it’s normal for him to just disappear like that 🤦🏻♀️ |
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"Was chatting/facetiming with someone religiously for a few weeks, met had an amazing connection, he wined and dined me, took me away I was besotted and then he just disappeared for a week, nothing, nada, I messaged a few times no response so thought red flag and left it, now he’s back and said sorry crisis at work/family been super busy.
Am i wrong in thinking just a quick msg wouldn’t have gone amiss, he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and we just carry on.
What would you do?
"
Depends on the relationship I guess, was a commitment made? Is he aware of your feelings? Does he reciprocate? Before you go blazing maybe find out what the relationship means to him and then explore that together. Lay boundaries, expectations out and go from there.
It could well be he has had stuff going on. Who knows but I agree, it doesn't take much to message. Especially if he's been online in the meantime |
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By *aseylee324Couple 17 weeks ago
Valley of Squinting Windows |
"
Can you imagine his distress if his wife or his kids had become ill, they need his full time attention.
Obviously if that were the case, he can't care that much about them if he's swinging behind her back...that's a tad hypocritical "
Not if he "loves his wife, but"... |
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By (user no longer on site) 17 weeks ago
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Do you know what job he does? Could it have been impacted by the riots and that's why he's not been in touch?
I'm terrible at replying - it can be days before i respond.. That said, if i was besotted I'd hope I'd prioritise a reply |
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By *laudshaenCouple 17 weeks ago
between sligo and leitrim |
Does it matter?? You are now left questioning both him and yourself, do the smart and brave thing and move on, if it's genuine he would have had enough respect for you to update you, if its a tactic, its a nasty one |
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"
Can you imagine his distress if his wife or his kids had become ill, they need his full time
Obviously if that were the case, he can't care that much about them if he's swinging behind her back...that's a tad hypocritical "
Of course it's hypocritical but men, women and couples on here tell lies as sometimes telling the truth will be counter productive when trying to meet for sex.
It's a swinging site.  |
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"I suspect he has a wife at home. Although did you tell him you’re besotted with him? That might have scared him off for a while. Has happened with me when someone tells me they have feels and I was looking at them as a fwb… I retreat back and have to give myself time to think about things as I get overwhelmed.
No I’ve not told him that, he’s the one pushing it more saying he’s never felt like this and wasn’t expecting to find it here of all places.
I will speak to him about it but I don’t want to then come across like B reindeer
Thank you"
Yes I think you're being played.
Someone saying they've never felt this way before might have been an in the moment thing...but..to then disappear for a week?
I couldn't be arsed with that. I'd be expecting him to do something shady again and it would spoil it for me. |
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By (user no longer on site) 17 weeks ago
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I get that a message is nothing to send but I'd also cut him some slack. It sounds like early on in the proceedings so maybe he didn't think it is as serious as you do. Also, he had an "emergency" so was probably distracted.
I for one don't let devices dictate my life and often go days without replying. If that's a red flag then c'est la vie. |
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Sounds like he love bombed you... And now he's seeing what kind of behaviour you'll accept, so he'll know he can do it again.
I've had plenty of crisis recently, but still always been able to drop a msg to the people I care about, even if it's to say I won't be very chatty. |
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I think it’s worth defining the boundaries first OP. Not sure what kind of relationship you both have but I’m presuming at the very least you see this person as a friend. No friend disappears without a trace. A quick message costs nothing.
If that’s the case it’s not being a friend at all. Sorry to say been there way too many times. |
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"Was chatting/facetiming with someone religiously for a few weeks, met had an amazing connection, he wined and dined me, took me away I was besotted and then he just disappeared for a week, nothing, nada, I messaged a few times no response so thought red flag and left it, now he’s back and said sorry crisis at work/family been super busy.
Am i wrong in thinking just a quick msg wouldn’t have gone amiss, he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and we just carry on.
What would you do?
"
Confront him and tell him how it made you feel. Depending how he responds depends on your actionbgoing forward.
He could have been totally oblivious and caught up in everything, he may not have. Tell him how it made you feel and then how he responds, will tell you what you need to know . |
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"Does love bombing and breadcrumbing involve meals out and being taken away. Or does love bombing and breadcrumbing just mean you get someone besotted and not reply.
(I never want to flirt again). "
Love bombing is someone going to extremes, being way over the top, clingy, full on, sometimes gifts etc. Then they usually withdraw with no warning.
Way different to flirting |
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"Was chatting/facetiming with someone religiously for a few weeks, met had an amazing connection, he wined and dined me, took me away I was besotted and then he just disappeared for a week,
nothing, nada, I messaged a few times no response so thought red flag and left it, now he’s back and said sorry crisis at work/family been super busy.
Am i wrong in thinking just a quick msg wouldn’t have gone amiss, he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and we just carry on.
What would you do?
"
Definitely a red flag. Avoid at all costs. A text takes two minutes. It would seem to me that he has something to hide. Be careful |
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"Was chatting/facetiming with someone religiously for a few weeks, met had an amazing connection, he wined and dined me, took me away I was besotted and then he just disappeared for a week, nothing, nada, I messaged a few times no response so thought red flag and left it, now he’s back and said sorry crisis at work/family been super busy.
Am i wrong in thinking just a quick msg wouldn’t have gone amiss, he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and we just carry on.
What would you do?
"
He is just letting you know they you are bottom of rung when it comes to his actual life priorities and values.
Personally I’d just move on or just say maybe I’ll meet you at a club sometime if I am going I’ll let you know
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Like another poster said, I guess it all depends on "what you were"? Speaking from experience, someone that messages frequently then gets what they desired, that person went off grid until the next cycle but it was just a shag, nothing more.
While common curtsey would say, he could have messaged you just to let you know he was ok and wasn't going to be around, from the experience I had, it sounds like he got what he wanted and didn't think a message was warranted and to save face of looking like a see you next Tuesday, he pulled the life and family card.
Of course I'm just pulling at feathers here, he could be legit of course. |
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"Does love bombing and breadcrumbing involve meals out and being taken away. Or does love bombing and breadcrumbing just mean you get someone besotted and not reply.
(I never want to flirt again).
Love bombing is someone going to extremes, being way over the top, clingy, full on, sometimes gifts etc. Then they usually withdraw with no warning.
Way different to flirting "
Love bombing can come in different forms, doesn't have to be meals out etc, it can be just as simple as constant messages, making out like you are the only one and then boom, gets the goods and gone until the next time but leaves you in a state of "I want more" (hence the breadcrumbing) and keeps you just at arms length until he wants to reel you back in again, it's a vicious cycle and took me the best part of 18 months, therapy, god knows what you actually feel like I was living a semi normal life again. |
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"Does love bombing and breadcrumbing involve meals out and being taken away. Or does love bombing and breadcrumbing just mean you get someone besotted and not reply.
(I never want to flirt again).
Love bombing is someone going to extremes, being way over the top, clingy, full on, sometimes gifts etc. Then they usually withdraw with no warning.
Way different to flirting "
 |
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"Does love bombing and breadcrumbing involve meals out and being taken away. Or does love bombing and breadcrumbing just mean you get someone besotted and not reply.
(I never want to flirt again).
Love bombing is someone going to extremes, being way over the top, clingy, full on, sometimes gifts etc. Then they usually withdraw with no warning.
Way different to flirting
Love bombing can come in different forms, doesn't have to be meals out etc, it can be just as simple as constant messages, making out like you are the only one and then boom, gets the goods and gone until the next time but leaves you in a state of "I want more" (hence the breadcrumbing) and keeps you just at arms length until he wants to reel you back in again, it's a vicious cycle and took me the best part of 18 months, therapy, god knows what you actually feel like I was living a semi normal life again."
You had me at semi |
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