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Jokes....
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A old man gets on a bus there's no seats so he leans on his walking stick.
The bus brakes and he slips. A young boy says mister if you had a rubber on the end of your stick that wouldn't have happened.
The old man replys if your daddy had taken the same advice I'd have a fuckin seat.
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Pulled a gypsy bird last night, she asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time, she wasn't fucking kidding!
I went on the dodgems, waltzer, ghost train and went home with a goldfish.
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I was in hospital yesterday getting a mole removed from my penis, the docs said it went well.
But the RSPCA say if I do it again they will prosecute.
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
" I was in hospital yesterday getting a mole removed from my penis, the docs said it went well.
But the RSPCA say if I do it again they will prosecute.
"
ROFLMAO  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Considering the damage Thatcher did to the British steel industry, I'm surprised she could find a fucking bucket to kick. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I smuggled doughnuts into a convent for a really fat nun today.
I'm feeding her habit.  |
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Bought some meat loaf knickers today, On the front it said " I will do anything for love" On the back it said " But i wont do that" |
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What are the two most important holes in a woman's body?
No, not them you dirty bastard.
Her nostrils.....They allow her to breathe while she's sucking your cock! |
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Message from www Adultdate.com
Your dating ad has been on our website for nine years now without any reply.
Do you want us to try one week without a picture?
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I walked into the chemist and asked for some deodorant.
The chemist asked "ball type?"
I said "no, armpit type!"
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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago
In a crisp poke on the A814 |
This bloke walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
What are you so happy about?' asks the barman.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replied the bloke, 'You know I live by the railway?
Well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in them movies. I of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time!'
He continued 'We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, doggy style, spoons, me on top, sometimes her on top.
I was totally shagged out this morning!'
'Fantastic,' exclaimed the barman, 'you lucky sod, did you get a blowjob?'
'No,' he said 'I never found her head.
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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago
In a crisp poke on the A814 |
A girl standing at the gates of heaven hears horrible screams of pain coming from inside.
She asks St Peter what it is.
He says " thats the sound of angels getting holes drilled in their backs for wings and their heads for halos"
She says " I think id rather go to hell"
St Peter replies " in hell you will be raped and buggered".
She replies "yeah but i already got the fucking holes for that! |
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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago
near kings lynn |
Am loving them lol...keep going x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Athens '
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"I walked into the chemist and asked for some deodorant.
The chemist asked "ball type?"
I said "no, armpit type!"
"
Whilst I was there I also asked for a bedpan
The Chemist asked if I'd tried Boots.
I said yes I have but I find they leak through the eyelets.
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By *ruitWoman
over a year ago
near kings lynn |
"Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Athens '
"
Phoned my dad and told him that one lol x |
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I just took a leaflet out my letterbox informing me I can enjoy sex at 75.
It's ideal because I live at 69 so it's not far to walk home afterwards.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did Thatcher and Jimmy Saville have in common?
They both screwed miners. |
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I stayed at a hotel in London and took a card from a phone box on Oxford St offering 'sordid sex and other pleasures.'
Back at the hotel I rang the number.
A lady with a silky soft voice asks if she could be of any help.
I said "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal and finish with a tit wank. Is that ok?"
The lady replied, "Sounds fun sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first....
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bloke in the pub offered me eight venison for forty. Quid . I said fuckoff thats to deer lmao  |
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Bloke shaggin wife, says bend over we'll try the social security position.
What the fucks that she ask's...
When my balls touch your ass your getting full benifit!
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Caught a bloke with his cock in a jar of mayonnaise
I thought fuckin Helmann! |
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My daughter said, "Dad can my boyfriend stay over night?"
"Can he fuck."
She said, "Like a rabbit."
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[Removed by poster at 18/04/13 09:46:26] |
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wife bought me a lovely new Rolex for my birthday..
"do you like it" she says
"its great" i said, it will remind me of your pussy...
she laughed "is that because its exclusive and sexy"?
I replied "no, its a bit loose round my wrist!
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Paddy was in court today, pleaded not guilty to GBH.
Half way through he changes his plea to Guilty.
Before senencing him the Judge asked him, "why did you change your pleae?"
Paddy replies, " I thought i was innocent until i heard the evidence"
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I'm not saying not to trust the Internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, & the number of iPads I own. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So my girlfriend had a shower last night and stood in the hall doorway and said
'close the curtains I've got no clothes on'
'So what'
'No clothes ! the man over the road might see me naked'
I said 'don't be silly if the man over the road sees you naked, he'll close the fucking the curtains'
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!! |
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Women should be like golf caddies...
Either holding your balls or getting your fucking tee ready! |
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Not gonna make any jokes about
Rolf Harris until he gets found guilty..
I mean, for all we know he didn't even didgeridoo it! |
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I always thought Rolf was into beasteality and bondage, after all he did release a song about it.
Altogether now " tie me kangaroo down sport " |
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Police have arrested Rolf Harris but they can't get past his excellent defence.
Seems he's got an extra leg to stand on!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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More please, cheered me up no end |
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A tramp walks past a women standing on the edge of a cliff trying to pluck up the courage to jump off. "If your guna jump, could we have sex first?" he says. "No, fuck off" shouts the woman. The tramp turns to walk away and mutters "fine, ill just go and wait at the bottom" |
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I was watching the London Marathon today, and it really moved me...
...to the pub, it was fucking boring. |
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Not eating meat anymore and I've taken up Religion.
I'm a quorn again Christian. |
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.............................. for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer??? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Women wake up yawning and men wake up with an erection.
Coincidence,
I think not! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Betty went in to have a vagina plastic after surgery she got 3 bunches of flowers one from her hubby,one from the surgeon, and one from Eric on the burns unit saying thank you for his new ears x x x |
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day, we were at sea; and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."
"It was my first day with the hook." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Women wake up yawning and men wake up with an erection.
Coincidence,
I think not! "
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Womans giving birth and the babys head pops out. The heads black, her and husband are white.
"Oh shit, its the guy next door, husband will kill me"
Babys body comes out and its white.
"Phew" says the woman "that bits his, should keep him quiet"
The babys legs come out and they're yellow.
"Oh Christ, that must be the guy from the Chinese, I'm dead"
Midwife picks the baby up and slaps its bum. Baby starts to cry, mother says,
"Thank Christ for that, for a minute thought it might bark"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife bought my a genuine rolex watch for my birthday
' wow ' I said, ' this reminds me of ur pussy '
' all yours and exclusive ' she giggled
' no, it's loose around my wrist ' |
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We've got an aviary at home but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music:
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We've got an aviary at home but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music:
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark."
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.
I'm fed up with the excuses women come out with to avoid having sex, like;
"I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister...
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking ...
She was known as oral high Jean.
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!
A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25" curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour!"
Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston , we have a problem!" |
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Luis Suarez is being lined up for the next series of I'm a celebrity after proving there's absolutely nothing he won't try eating. |
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By *ertngladCouple
over a year ago
thornton -cleveleys |
My mate got a sex change today and i must say it went very well, he's still trying to reverse out of the car park. |
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By *ertngladCouple
over a year ago
thornton -cleveleys |
Did you know that anal sex is illegal in Iceland?
Not sure if its the same in Farmfoods so be careful. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Athens '
Phoned my dad and told him that one lol x"
Bet you didn't tell him where you read it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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2 sperm are swimming side by side and one says to the other are we near the womb yet...the other one says no mate were just going past the tonsills |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two dwarfs go into a brothel and ask for two women for their services. The first dwarf goes in an he can't get it up! He tries everything and it not happening. So he pays his money and goes out side and sits on the chair outside
Whilst sitting in the chair outside he can here noises coming from a room 1-2-3 urgh 123 urgh this goes on for a while and eventually the other dwarf comes out of the room!!!
Bloody hell mate you sounded like you were given her a great time! Not likely his response I couldn't get on the bed   |
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Good job Paul Dickov wasn't playing for Chelsea...imagine the headlines... Suarez bites Dickov ! |
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Luis Suarez banned for 10 games. The poor guy could starve to death. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's comming up christmas,Housewife goes to front door to get parcel from postman, she opens the door and drags him inside, she strips him naked and gives him the best sex he's ever had.
As he was dressing she got her purse out and offered him a fiver.
What's that for he asked.
'I asked my hubby what we should give you for christmas'
He said, 'the postman! fuck him, give him a fiver'.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was watching a documentary about starving African children & I couldn't help but think:
Black really does make people look thinner! |
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There once was a girl from Penzance, Who got on a bus in a trance, Everyone fucked her, Except the conductor,
And he came twice in his pants. |
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By *adybee77Woman
over a year ago
MAMOBA, miles and miles of bugger all (Aberdeenshire) |
To spice up his ex life, my mate suggested to his wife that they tried masturbating with _ruit...
Seems to have worked - apparently she went fucking bananas! |
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Walked past the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song......
When I opened the door it was a chive talkin.....I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion?....
But it said,
I'm stayin a chive, ah,ah,ah,ah, stayin a chive....
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" Walked past the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song......
When I opened the door it was a chive talkin.....I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion?....
But it said,
I'm stayin a chive, ah,ah,ah,ah, stayin a chive....
"
So that was just chive talkin' ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy lying up in bed watching Babestation. He phones the number at the bottom of the screen and the Babe says "Hello sexy and what can I do for you tonight?". Paddy replies "Do you see that sofa you're lying on""Yes" she replies. Paddy says "You wouldn't jump over the back of it and hide" "Sure sexy. But why". She says. Paddy replies "Well it's just the wife's coming up the stairs and I can't find the fuckin remote. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I said to my girlfriend, "please can you pass me that newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
That fuckin spider never knew what hit it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. He said it must be very stressful for your wife. I said, well she used to take it on the chin but to be perfectly honest it's getting on her tits now . !!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is anunacceptable way to describe the number 69. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked... "Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'?. "No" he replied "that was Gary Glitter". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am sick to death of people knocking on my door asking for donations,just had one woman from the sperm bank,fuck me did i give her a mouthful! |
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A little boy is sitting on the kerb playing with a bottle of sulfuric acid. A priest walks by and says " my child why are you playing with such a dangerous thing"? Here have this bottle of holly water, I put this on a ladies tummy and she past a baby.
The boys looks up and says "that's nothing I put this on my dogs bollocks and he past a motorbike" |
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A 35 year old Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face.
Chinda Goodanpropa denies the charge. |
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Paddy sets Murphy up on a blind date. He said to him, "Shes a lovely girl, but there's somethin u shud know... She's expectin a baby !" Next day. Paddy asked Murphy how he got on ? "Alright," said Murphy. "Apart from, she was an hour late, & I felt a right prick, sittin at the end of the bar, in a nappy !" |
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Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day. |
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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago
A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love |
How men and women record things in their diaries......
------ Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was
my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
-----Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt ? |
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By *9MarkMan
over a year ago
North Cheam |
I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night. She was dirty and didn't smell too good but, underneath the grime, I could see she was pretty and had a good body.
I brought her inside and gave her a bath. As I was towelling off her naked body, I became aroused and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was making passionate love to her. I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was alive. |
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies. ’ |
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Paddy called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the inspector replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest" Paddy said, "But that would probably explain the suitcase!!" |
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By *at2Couple
over a year ago
north Down |
Bloke asks his wife what would she do if he had won the lottery she says I would take half and leave you so he says here's your fiver then now fuck off.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Anyone else find it slightly ironic that the A580 dual carriageway linking the two decrepit cities of Liverpool and Manchester spells out the word "ASBO"? |
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I was getting a hand-job off my new girlfriend when I asked, "How come you are so good at this?"
"Years of practice," she said.
"Bit of a player in your day?"I laughed.
"No," she replied,"my dad had no arms."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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more please |
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A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"
The woman says, "No, fuck off!
The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, suit your self, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then! |
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Three parrots for sale. £100,£200 and £15, a woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?" the shop keeper replies
"because it used to live in a brothel"
the woman thinks it's funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says
"fuck me a new brothel" the woman laughs. the two daughters come home,
"fuck me new prossies" the girls laugh.
The husband comes home and the parrot says "fuck me keith I haven't seen you for weeks!"
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My Valentine's night was completely ruined. I'd booked a table for two,
told the wife only for her to turn around and tell me she can't even Play snooker....
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Three parrots for sale. £100,£200 and £15, a woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?" the shop keeper replies
"because it used to live in a brothel"
the woman thinks it's funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says
"fuck me a new brothel" the woman laughs. the two daughters come home,
"fuck me new prossies" the girls laugh.
The husband comes home and the parrot says "fuck me keith I haven't seen you for weeks!"
"
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Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Three parrots for sale. £100,£200 and £15, a woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?" the shop keeper replies
"because it used to live in a brothel"
the woman thinks it's funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says
"fuck me a new brothel" the woman laughs. the two daughters come home,
"fuck me new prossies" the girls laugh.
The husband comes home and the parrot says "fuck me keith I haven't seen you for weeks!"
"
I'll ring that bloody parrots neck.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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come on Baz lets have some more |
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A man walks into a clock shop.
He see's this gorgeous female assistant standing behind the clock counter.
So he walks up to the counter and proceeds to undo his trousers and flops his cock out on the counter.
"What are you doing?!" exclaimed the assistant, "This is a clock shop!"
"I know!" says the man, "I'd like you to put two hands and a face on this!"
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Just got 3D TV.
Fuck me it's good!
Fell asleep during the Liverpool game,
when I woke up my wallet had gone!
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A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25" curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour!" |
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Went out last night and got proper wasted. I woke up next to this sweaty fat bird who was snoring and farting.
I thought 'Thank fuck for that, at least I made it home.'
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I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking ...
She was known as oral high Jean. |
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Did you know that anal sex is illegal in Iceland?
Not sure if its the same in LidiL so be careful.
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Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local corner shop.I don't know how these bastards sleep at night. |
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The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?"I answered "Yes." They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said "I know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids." |
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
Yesterday I went for an interview to be a trumpet player
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But I think I blew it.
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
I was in the pub and....
I was telling a girl about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
***********
I then saw a fat girl dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by now. " |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Went to the chemist the other day, couldn't find the Vaseline so I asked at the counter.
"Have you tried Boots?" asked the pharmacist. "Christ no" I replied, "I want to slide in not bloody well march in!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A white horse goes into a pub and says whiskey please..the landlord replies we have a whiskey named after you and the horse says...What..Eric |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some brilliant jokes folks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her tax return.....
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?"
"I'm a high-end call girl", she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, ........ I'm a prostitute."
The accountant says "No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "OK then, let’s say I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does elite chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over a thousand cocks last year."
"The accountant then says, "Nice one, Chicken Farmer it is".
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bill and ben in bed together bill says to ben
flob a do a lob
ben says " if you loved me you'd swallow it" |
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Bill Roache,Stuart Hall,Kevin Webster, Rolf Harris,Freddie Starr,Jim Davidson? Fuck me the Prison Panto should be fucking brilliant this Christmas. |
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I couldn't believe that ITV broadcasted the sex offender's register.
Then I realised I was watching the credits for Coronation Street!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We've got an aviary at home but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music:
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark."
So shit it's perfect |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whoever thought to write"hot surface"in braille was an evil genius |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Coming to ITV soon.....I'm a celebrity get me out of jail. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I accidentally used the wifes femfresh spray under my arms and round my genitals tonight,made me feel really fresh.
Still smelt like a cunt though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i was in town yesterday and i saw a bloke driving a tractor and shouting The End of the World is Upon us.
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Turns out it was Farmergeddon |
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The worst letter I ever wrote.....
Dear Jim,
Please can you fix it for me to go on
"It's a Knockout."
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Results of the Chinese Look-a-Like completion are in.....Everyone won... What's the ideal weight for a Mother-in-Law?... About 2.3 pounds with the urn. Bloke says to his wife "Tell me something that will me both happy and sad?" Wife replies "You've got a bigger cock than you're brother". |
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
I saw a truck with a bumper sticker saying :
" I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal".
Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists there are on the roads. |
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My new girlfriend said I have to wait six months before she'll suck my cock.
I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Someone asked me what i do since i have retired.... Do i have a job?
I replied, "I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, he said, "I beg your pardon,but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice,
she'll ask for it." |
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I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread.
The fucking birds were all over me. |
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New coffee shop to open in Liverpool for the under 12's. It's called 'Tarbucks'. |
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Bill Roache, stuart hall, kevin webster, rolf harris, freddie star, jim davidson...fuck me the prison pantos gonna be good this year! |
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
My friend just texted me from casualty
It seems the new Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't what he thought it was!
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a man is browsing in an old curiosity shop when he sees a magic mirror for sale...
"why's it called a magic mirror"? he asks the old wizened shop owner
ah sir, its called the magic mirror because it can make your wishes come true...all you have to do is stand in front of it and say mirror mirror on the wall, and whatever you wish....it will be granted" replies the shop owner.
the man buys the mirror and rushes home excitedly to try the mirrors magical powers out
he places the mirror on the wall and stands in front of it completely naked, gazing at his own reflection and his very much below average size cock....and says
"mirror mirror on the wall....make my cock touch the floor"
...at that moment...his legs fell off!!!
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Guy walks into a pharmacy and says can i have some viagra . Cashier says " I need some medical proof . "
Bloke says " here's a photo of my wife " . |
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Ariel Castro...fucking legend in my book.
Holds three women captive for ten years and the neighbours didn't hear a thing.
I can't keep my other half quiet for ten minutes. |
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
Man in hospital with burns to front of upper thighs.
Doctor prescribes viagra.
Man questions this.
He is told - at least it'll keep the sheet off the injury. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had to deck a homeless bloke outside the tube station this morning.
I mean, my girlfriend may have put on a little weight but that's no reason for a complete stranger to start shouting "Biggish Sue" at her! |
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Bilbo Baggins is dead!
I read it on a hobbituary! |
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I bought my MIL a burial plot for a Christmas present last year and she has moaned that I haven't bought her a present this year, so when she asked why I hadn't I told her "Well you haven't used the one I bought you last year yet!" |
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When my new Indian girlfriend told me she wanted me to give her a facial I nearly came on the spot
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman got a breast implant with wood yesterday
It would be good if this joke had a punchline to it...
Wooden Tit |
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A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
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By *ovelybumCouple
over a year ago
Tunbridge Wells |
A condom tells a tampon "you always take my job for a whole week". The tampon says " yeah but every time you fuck up, I lose my job for nine months"
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
Apologies in advance for the racial stereotyping.
There was a Swedish, an Irish and a Scottish golfing couple.
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of of under-wear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?' Ove demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any'
'The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's 50 Euros. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's 20 Euros. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mother of Jeasus, Aggie! Where ta’ friggin’ hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta’ affaird any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yersel up a bit’.
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Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute,
"do you know who the father is?"
"For fuck sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Was playing football in the back garden with my grandad, when he turns to me and says "its a bit windy today son"
"Tell me something I don't know grandad"
"your nan's arse can take a whole fist" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife is to sick to do the house work today.poor thing,she'll have twice as much to do tomorrow. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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After 1 pint I was an absolute mess. I threw up down my shirt, tried to finger this old lady, before shitting myself and falling asleep in the corner.
The nurses said that isn't a normal reaction to giving blood. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was watching TV when my wife sat down beside me stroked my cock through my jeans
And whispered "fancy a fuck".
I said "your after something...."
"No I'm not, "she protested.
"Yes you are" I said.
"You're after match of the day. Come back in an hour" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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max Clifford has denied assaults against eleven teen girls.stupid fucker there is no such number as eleven teen. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said "I'm not happy "
I replied "well which one are you then " |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Statically. .......9/10 people enjoy gang rape
I do not condone the above I have a twisted sense of humour and I did chuckle. Plus I'm an accountant and love statistics. Do not berate me please. ( this bit is not part of the joke ) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Love the jokes keep them coming |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Took my wife to the doctors to see if he could help her with her Tourette's.
It turns out she doesn't have it I really am a c@nt and she does want me to fuck off !!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Star Trek star William Shatner has decided to discontinue his new ladies underwear business after deciding that Shatner Knickers was not a great name for it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was sitting on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers and the wife said "you spoil those dogs". |
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What do you call an Irish lesbian?
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Gay Lick
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If I make you breakfast in bed a simple "thank you" would be nice...none of this "how did you get into my house" business. |
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"I was sitting on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers and the wife said "you spoil those dogs"."
Lol |
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"Hi there caller, you're through to Babestation. What's your name, sexy?"
"Michael. My name's Michael."
"Nice name. My stepdad's called Michael."
"Yeah, I kn... err, rub your tits a bit more for me, please." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss. |
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
An Irishman goes to the Doctor. "It's me arse. I'd loik ya ta tek a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Tek it out!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last note comes out.
"Ah, tank ya, dat's better. Just how much was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
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My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with American sitcoms.
Happy Days. |
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I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Dont argue with an idiot..he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy. You dont need a parachute to skydive...you only need a parachute to skydive twice. |
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"An Irishman goes to the Doctor. "It's me arse. I'd loik ya ta tek a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Tek it out!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last note comes out.
"Ah, tank ya, dat's better. Just how much was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
"
lol lol |
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By *9MarkMan
over a year ago
North Cheam |
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?’
‘What dear,’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I think you're bad luck.....’
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By *o-jCouple
over a year ago
Outskirts of Notts |
Had a threesome last night ......
There was a couple of no shows but I enjoyed myself |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Q: What's the difference between me and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Q: What's the difference between me and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it."
I would love to put that to the test |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy. "
That is now my quote of the week.
Ta. |
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By * Jay69Man
over a year ago
Bridgwater - Somerset |
Note left by husband:-
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my ex-students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Being of a certain age myself, I just want to say - it's a joke!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My girlfriend is a porn star.
She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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went to the doctors last week and asked for some sleeping tablets for the wife
he said "why"?
I said "cause she's woke up"! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I saw a sign in McDonald's today, it said 'we do not accept £50 notes'.
Fuck me, if I had a £50 note, I wouldn't be eating in McDonald's.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. as they undressed for bed the husband who was a big burly bruiser tossed his pants to his bride and said "here put these on". she put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "i can't wear your pants" she said. "that's right" said the husband," and don't forget it . I'm the man who wears the pants in this family". with that she flipped him her panties and said "try these on". he tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee cap. he said "hell, i can't get into your pants". she said "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamn attitude changes". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hickory dickory dock...
Two mice ran up the clock...
The clock struck one....
And the other one got away with minor injuries....!! |
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By *aravancoupleMan
over a year ago
A Secret Hideaway In the caravan of love |
My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison. |
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My mate was diagnosed as a mute today.
I thought, "fuck me, he kept that quiet."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There's a lovely saying in these 'ere parts. Don't shit on yer own doorstep.
The neighbours werent best pleased. |
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