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Acknowledging possible rejection: courteous or defeatist?
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I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.
Following an exchange I had in another forum topic a while back, someone pointed out that this may come across as lacking in confidence or defeatist rather than courteous and as a reassurance that if I didn't get a reply there was no intention to send any follow-up messages like a lot of people had to deal with, so I stopped doing it.
I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.
So TL;DR the question is: if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful of the possibility that you wouldn't just immediately be smitten with them? Or would it come across as lacking in confidence because they've already introduced the possibility of nothing coming of it before you've even decided whether to get back to them? |
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"I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.
Following an exchange I had in another forum topic a while back, someone pointed out that this may come across as lacking in confidence or defeatist rather than courteous and as a reassurance that if I didn't get a reply there was no intention to send any follow-up messages like a lot of people had to deal with, so I stopped doing it.
I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.
So TL;DR the question is: if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful of the possibility that you wouldn't just immediately be smitten with them? Or would it come across as lacking in confidence because they've already introduced the possibility of nothing coming of it before you've even decided whether to get back to them?"
I’d take it as respectful & respect you far more for it. The possibility of not being “right” for someone isn’t a lack of confidence necessarily. There is a very lovely happy medium between arrogance and diffidence. |
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"I’d take it as respectful & respect you far more for it. The possibility of not being “right” for someone isn’t a lack of confidence necessarily. There is a very lovely happy medium between arrogance and diffidence."
Thank you for your input, Misty. That makes a lot of sense and is roughly in line with how I'd been considering it, too.  |
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By *3nsesMan 23 weeks ago
Dublin |
I feel it is a rather pointless exercise. Either the person is genuinely being courteous or else they're lying. Ultimately, as I'm never to getting to know that person further I'll never actually know the answer to that so it becomes irrelevant as to which camp they fall into. |
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By *essTTWoman 23 weeks ago
Birmingham |
"I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.
Following an exchange I had in another forum topic a while back, someone pointed out that this may come across as lacking in confidence or defeatist rather than courteous and as a reassurance that if I didn't get a reply there was no intention to send any follow-up messages like a lot of people had to deal with, so I stopped doing it.
I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.
So TL;DR the question is: if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful of the possibility that you wouldn't just immediately be smitten with them? Or would it come across as lacking in confidence because they've already introduced the possibility of nothing coming of it before you've even decided whether to get back to them?"
I don't think it's defeatist
I say the same when I message people as I'm aware that I'm not everyone's type x |
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"I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.
Following an exchange I had in another forum topic a while back, someone pointed out that this may come across as lacking in confidence or defeatist rather than courteous and as a reassurance that if I didn't get a reply there was no intention to send any follow-up messages like a lot of people had to deal with, so I stopped doing it.
I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.
So TL;DR the question is: if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful of the possibility that you wouldn't just immediately be smitten with them? Or would it come across as lacking in confidence because they've already introduced the possibility of nothing coming of it before you've even decided whether to get back to them?
I don't think it's defeatist
I say the same when I message people as I'm aware that I'm not everyone's type x"
Freaky gyal ah my type 🤭🥰 |
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If I'm not for you then happy fabbing doesn't sound defeatist to me.
Anyone who starts out saying I'm obviously out of their league or I won't be interested anyway, that's defeatist. They go in the bin 💜 |
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"if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful"
Not really. I read it as "I'm sending cut & paste messages, so if you don't reply, hopefully one of the other 49 will" |
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I think it comes across as weak and unsure of yourself. Also, in my experience, if people have to tell you that they are the type of person who will not follow up then the likelihood is that they are the type of person who follows up. |
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I see it as respectful and realistic, not an indicator of low confidence. Even I've said similar things in a message, and I definitely don't lack confidence. It simply acknowledges that we won't be attractive to, or compatible with, everyone. |
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When I drop the first message, I usually put something similar to that. I see it a polite courtesy and mature way of saying "If you don't get back to me or say no, I'm man enough to move on with my life"
Everyone has their own wants and don't all suit everyone else. About the only time it might be seen as negative is people looking for those "Hyper Dominant Control You" types |
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Yes I think it's respectful and pleasant but I don't think it adds any value or helps you.
Personally I expect people to be decent and respectful anyway as default. So I don't see it praiseworthy as selling point. Obviously many on here aren't, but they reveal themselves anyway and nothing you can do about them.
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to put in but I don't think it's needed. A per your suspicious that to some it might not come across too positive I'd say it probably is more likely to hinder than to aid.
Also you can communicate that you're a decent and respectful guy anyway through the other things you write and through your bio.
Personally I say leave it out.
Mr |
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I had (past tense) a tendancy to over complicate things. I then worked with a bombastic manager who actually coached me to be more succinct.
If your first message is "how about connecting?" then keep it to that.
If they bite, then now is your chance to show them how genuinely nice you are.
Just make sure your profile comes across pleasant too... You want to meet someone who actually reads them! |
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if you think about it any kind of negativity would put the people you are trying to interact with of ,it shows a lack of confidence, I may not be the hottest guy but if you don't reply thanks anyway . |
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"if you think about it any kind of negativity would put the people you are trying to interact with of ,it shows a lack of confidence, I may not be the hottest guy but if you don't reply thanks anyway ."
off
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When I message someone for the first time, I pick out a few points of particular interest from their profile, which lets them know I’ve actually read/viewed all their profile, and end the message with a clear indication I would love to hear from them. If they reply, great! If not, they’re not interested, just move on   |
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‘If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!’
It’s nice and appears that person has the maturity to understand that not everyone will be attracted to them. But it’s still slightly problematic.
It’s the ‘if I’m not for you’ still comes across as a question as needing confirmation from the other person.
Personally ‘thanks for answering my message and happy fabbing’ would be a perfect sign off. |
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By (user no longer on site) 23 weeks ago
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Ahhh this is actually very interesting. I never say that at the end of a first message but I always tend to say it after I send a face pic. I can see why it sounds defeatist but I guess I'm quite used to chats going silent after that so it's almost like a defence mechanism preparing myself for the conversation to go dead. |
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"‘If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!’
It’s nice and appears that person has the maturity to understand that not everyone will be attracted to them. But it’s still slightly problematic.
It’s the ‘if I’m not for you’ still comes across as a question as needing confirmation from the other person.
Personally ‘thanks for answering my message and happy fabbing’ would be a perfect sign off. "
Wouldn't "thanks for answering my message" be more problematic in that it has a built-in assumption that there will be an answer in the first place? |
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"if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful
Not really. I read it as "I'm sending cut & paste messages, so if you don't reply, hopefully one of the other 49 will""
To clarify, at least in my own case if not others, my messages always cover specific parts of the profile, so that it's obvious it's not a paste job. |
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I do it, mainly just to assure myself that i'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's ok.
Sure i'd appreciate a response of "not for me, but thank you" but no one is under any obligation to provide such a message.
I dunno, maybe it just makes me feel a bit better haha. |
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By *eliWoman 23 weeks ago
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I think it's just something that doesn't need to be said.
And it feels a bit like they've not received replies before and they want to say they're cool with it. Sometimes those who say that are far from it.
It's not something I've ever said... actually, that's not quite true. I sent a dear person some photos of me when he came back after six years away. I was a bit nervous in case he wasn't interested and put something about it being cool if we didn't have a date. It was and I also kind of thought he wouldn't be.
So I guess to me it gives off slightly nervous energy? |
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"
My biggest issue here is the TL;DR summary is as long as the main message
Welcome to being me. :P"
For s serious answer.
It wouldn't strike me as lacking confidence no.
Over confidence in messages is much worse imo.
If you comfortable with it in as a sign off keep it |
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"I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.
Following an exchange I had in another forum topic a while back, someone pointed out that this may come across as lacking in confidence or defeatist rather than courteous and as a reassurance that if I didn't get a reply there was no intention to send any follow-up messages like a lot of people had to deal with, so I stopped doing it.
I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.
So TL;DR the question is: if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful of the possibility that you wouldn't just immediately be smitten with them? Or would it come across as lacking in confidence because they've already introduced the possibility of nothing coming of it before you've even decided whether to get back to them?"
We think it’s a lovely thing to put af the end of a message, and someone who writes it is far more likely to get a response, even if that is a ‘thanks but no thanks.’ |
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I think it depends how the rest of the message is.
If it’s a woe is me type message and that’s tagged on the end then I’d see it as defeatist.
If it’s upbeat and says it, it’s giving you the option and they’ll be fine with it.
K |
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Dear Sainsbury's
Please send me a huge washing powder and three blocks of butter and also all the cake you have on offer and the wine offer of 6 bottles for £25.00.
If however you are not interested in my offer of custom and don't even send the stuff or reply to my order that is perfectly okay by me. I fully understand that I am not the only customer on here and I get how busy you are so don't worry and thanks very much indeed for reading this. |
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"I used to, at the end of messages I was sending, say that if the person wasn't interested, thank you for their time anyway and happy Fabbing and all that.
Following an exchange I had in another forum topic a while back, someone pointed out that this may come across as lacking in confidence or defeatist rather than courteous and as a reassurance that if I didn't get a reply there was no intention to send any follow-up messages like a lot of people had to deal with, so I stopped doing it.
I was thinking about it this morning and thought it might be an interesting topic to open up to a wider forum discussion, to see what other people's opinions are.
So TL;DR the question is: if someone ends their message with something like "If I'm not for you, thanks anyway and happy Fabbing!" would you take this as an indication that they wanted to be respectful of the possibility that you wouldn't just immediately be smitten with them? Or would it come across as lacking in confidence because they've already introduced the possibility of nothing coming of it before you've even decided whether to get back to them?"
The problem that many men have is that they have little to no coping mechanisms in the face of rejection. Fragile egos, entitlement and particularly on websites like Fab, a constant stream of nil response aka ‘rejection’ or something I think worse… ‘breadcrumbing’.
It is deluded to think that we must be attractive to any, let alone many… and we must accept rejection in a positive manner…. for the sake of mental health sometimes. In the case where a message has been received, read and then responded to with an incredibly polite (for this site especially) ‘thank you l but you’re not for me’… the only response (should one be considered necessary) is “thank you for taking the time to reply” Any other attempts at re-engagement, clarification, justification, further flirting are not required and you pathetic individuals who send abuse…just fuck off.
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