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Abusive relationship how to help
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My ex cheated on me and is now with the guy. She's now realised the grass definitely wasn't greener. She says he is extremely aggressive in his tone, and constantly insults her, she recently found out he is paying for services as she doesn't fulfill his desires.
Despite all this she forgives him and takes him back.
How di I know this? When she's gets scared she calls me . I told her it's only a matter of time before it gets physical but she says she always submits to him so it won't happen.
If I tell her family because of her religion she'll be ostracised, so I can't let them support her as I am kinda getting fed up of her not listening.
How do I help? Walk away she made her bed so....
I've given her domestic abuse numbers and links . Help or walk away? |
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Think you've done the correct thing by giving her the appropriate numbers for help. Beyond that I don't think she should be bothering you each time they have a falling out. You're kind of being a security blanket for her which isn't really on, considering your history. Has she got a best friend you can tell her to talk to instead? |
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"Think you've done the correct thing by giving her the appropriate numbers for help. Beyond that I don't think she should be bothering you each time they have a falling out. You're kind of being a security blanket for her which isn't really on, considering your history. Has she got a best friend you can tell her to talk to instead? "
I said let me hand this off to one of her friends but I think she's ashamed of what's going on. She did tell one that I don't know and she had to run out of the house as he lost his shit about it |
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OP I know you’ll still likely have feelings for her and want to help, maybe even in the hope of nurturing a rekindling of your relationship, but it doesn’t feel as though it’s helping either of you by providing an outlet for her.
It seems she is leaning on you, which isn’t fair on your feelings - especially considering she didn’t care enough about you to not cheat.
And if she feels she can just tell you and go back to him, you’re enabling her to stay in an abusive relationship. I think if you can sensitively cut the ties, she’ll be forced to deal with it properly by using those dedicated numbers you gave her, instead of using you as a helpline. |
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"Think you've done the correct thing by giving her the appropriate numbers for help. Beyond that I don't think she should be bothering you each time they have a falling out. You're kind of being a security blanket for her which isn't really on, considering your history. Has she got a best friend you can tell her to talk to instead?
I said let me hand this off to one of her friends but I think she's ashamed of what's going on. She did tell one that I don't know and she had to run out of the house as he lost his shit about it"
She's not too ashamed to tell you though.
This is a tough one. Nobody wants to stop supporting someone who's in an abusive relationship. It might help you if you contact one of the numbers you've given her and ask them how best to help after explaining you were previously in a relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site) 17 weeks ago
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Sounds like there’s a lot of things going on there all at once for you OP.
You already taken all the right steps and offered more support than I think most would in the situation so now I’d say it’s really a case of doing what’s right for you.
You given her options, you given her support links and offered advice, none of which she’s appeared to have taken. If you’re happy being that point of contact for her if/when it all goes wrong then kudos to you, I know many people wouldn’t be,
BUT , you don’t owe her anything so make sure you’re also taking care of your own wellbeing too. If you’re not strong enough to be her sole support mechanism then don’t be and don’t feel guilty about that. You need to look after yourself too.
Hope it all works out for you |
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By *emptmeonceWoman 17 weeks ago
the Northern Hemisphere |
I would struggle to walk away from someone in a vulnerable situation asking for support, though I do imagine it's very hard for you with your history.
In your shoes, I would encourage/ enable her to make contact with the helpline(s)/ organisations that can help - even going as far as to do it with her - so there is another safety net connection established for her, before I'd distance myself from the situation. |
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"Think you've done the correct thing by giving her the appropriate numbers for help. Beyond that I don't think she should be bothering you each time they have a falling out. You're kind of being a security blanket for her which isn't really on, considering your history. Has she got a best friend you can tell her to talk to instead?
I said let me hand this off to one of her friends but I think she's ashamed of what's going on. She did tell one that I don't know and she had to run out of the house as he lost his shit about it"
Just worth considering what would he do if he found out she was talking to you? I bet it would be a heck of a lot worse. So why is she risking it? Not saying she's lying but I would be dubious I were you. |
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You have done more than you need to do.
This woman is an ADULT. She is not a decent person. She lied to you and she cheated on you.
She came to you for help and you gave it.
Now you have to STOP trying to make decisions for her and STOP giving her advice on how you would live her life.
You are stopping her from making decisions and you are keeping her helpless and dependent.
You can listen to her if you want to but you MUST let her know that there is no more that you can tell her and you hope she manages to sort things out.
Stop getting dragged in.
It will not be on your head if she is beaten up or thrown out.
Stop being her dad. |
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Do what your heart tells you is right OP. She may be your ex but she is still a woman that may in danger and has reached out for help.
There may be consequences for your presence in her current situation. If you have considered those and accept the outcomes then you should do what you think is right.
If you decide to walk away then the answer is similar. If you have considered the consequences of that action and can make your peace with them then that is what you need to do. |
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"Walk away. she only wants you when things go bad with him. "
Yep. Who wants to hear from someone only when they're crying. She'll drag you down with worry OP. She was big enough to move on from you, she'll move on from him. |
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Your ex cheated on you and is now pulling you into her new relationship because it’s toxic.
Newsflash: you are also in an abusive relationship. With her. You just can’t see it that you’re the one she is abusing in turn.
She broke your trust. That should and can stop be the end of the matter.
You’ve done more than you are morally obliged to. Walk away. Walk now. |
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"Your ex cheated on you and is now pulling you into her new relationship because it’s toxic.
Newsflash: you are also in an abusive relationship. With her. You just can’t see it that you’re the one she is abusing in turn.
She broke your trust. That should and can stop be the end of the matter.
You’ve done more than you are morally obliged to. Walk away. Walk now. "
I hadn't looked at it that way but I think you're right. |
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By *a LunaWoman 17 weeks ago
South Wales |
"Your ex cheated on you and is now pulling you into her new relationship because it’s toxic.
Newsflash: you are also in an abusive relationship. With her. You just can’t see it that you’re the one she is abusing in turn.
She broke your trust. That should and can stop be the end of the matter.
You’ve done more than you are morally obliged to. Walk away. Walk now. "
This. I’d probably block her number and just move on at this point.
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By *vaRose43Woman 17 weeks ago
Forest of Dean |
"Your ex cheated on you and is now pulling you into her new relationship because it’s toxic.
Newsflash: you are also in an abusive relationship. With her. You just can’t see it that you’re the one she is abusing in turn.
She broke your trust. That should and can stop be the end of the matter.
You’ve done more than you are morally obliged to. Walk away. Walk now. "
This.
You’ve done what you need to do, you need to escape the abuse yourself |
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"Your ex cheated on you and is now pulling you into her new relationship because it’s toxic.
Newsflash: you are also in an abusive relationship. With her. You just can’t see it that you’re the one she is abusing in turn.
She broke your trust. That should and can stop be the end of the matter.
You’ve done more than you are morally obliged to. Walk away. Walk now. "
Yes...this |
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By *ML49Man 17 weeks ago
Burnley |
"My ex cheated on me and is now with the guy. She's now realised the grass definitely wasn't greener. She says he is extremely aggressive in his tone, and constantly insults her, she recently found out he is paying for services as she doesn't fulfill his desires.
Despite all this she forgives him and takes him back.
How di I know this? When she's gets scared she calls me . I told her it's only a matter of time before it gets physical but she says she always submits to him so it won't happen.
If I tell her family because of her religion she'll be ostracised, so I can't let them support her as I am kinda getting fed up of her not listening.
How do I help? Walk away she made her bed so....
I've given her domestic abuse numbers and links . Help or walk away?"
None of your business.
Stone wall her.
No contact and the messages and calls stop. |
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Lots of good advice here, you have done more than most would.
End of the day you have yourself to look out for as well, you have given her the right numbers to ring.
As said by several other forum forumites, it's time for you to walk away |
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I guess it's the guilt of knowing someone you cared about needed help and you couldn't do more.
DV is such an ugly thing I grew up seeing it with my uncle and his wife and the memories stay with me from before I was 10. Probably this is why I want to do as much as I can to help her. |
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"I guess it's the guilt of knowing someone you cared about needed help and you couldn't do more.
DV is such an ugly thing I grew up seeing it with my uncle and his wife and the memories stay with me from before I was 10. Probably this is why I want to do as much as I can to help her. "
She's planning to marry him, what more can you do? |
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Nobody understands unless they’ve been there. The shame is unbearable, even now after two years free.
I stayed with mine because I literally had no way out. Other than letting her know there is a way out, and discussing practical options, there’s not an awful lot you can do. She has to come to the decision herself to leave, or he’ll just keep sucking her back in. |
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By *C44Man 17 weeks ago
Newbourne |
I stayed in an abusive relationship for a long time. The gaslighting is real, you genuinely don't understand the psychology behind it when you are in it. In hindsight or looking from the outside it's easy to think you just have to walk away but it's so close to impossible when you are in that situation. I still look back on it 15 years later and think why did I do that. The only way out is coming to the realisation yourself. Whilst it sounds like your ex may have some negative tendencies and is leaning on you in a way that may harm you, if you consider them a friend you just need to be there to catch them, because when they fall they will fall hard, and it can cause lasting issues. I didn't even look for a relationship for 10 years after, the shame and the self hatred was real.
In summary, there is little you can do to pull them out, they need to do that themselves, when they do, if you care about them, that's when the work starts |
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Tell one of her friends, if he's that bad you'd never forgive yourself for walking away if anything happened to her. But she's not your responsibility. Or, if you know enough about him, request a Claire's Law on her behalf. If there's anything to disclose, the police will get in touch with her. |
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I wonder why she keeps you so close after what she did, only a woman will know that ?
What I would would depend if I still
Loved her and thought there was a chance or not plus if there were kids etc |
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"I wonder why she keeps you so close after what she did, only a woman will know that ?
What I would would depend if I still
Loved her and thought there was a chance or not plus if there were kids etc "
Only that particular woman will know that. Not “a woman”
💯 |
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You are being played OP.
I would suggest that the relationship she is breadcrumbing you with is also abusive.
You say you are fed up of her not listening to you but will you listen to anyone who tells you to block her and walk away?
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"she recently found out he is paying for services as she doesn't fulfill his desires.
If I tell her family because of her religion she'll be ostracised"
How would her religious family feel about her future husband if they knew this ? |
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Op I think it's good that you're still looking to help.
Sadly I think you've done what you can, she has to get in the right headspace to want to be able to get help and get out of that relationship.
Just be there for her if she needs you. |
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This woman calls you when things get bad and has explained he is abusive.
I understand what you mean about her family. You've done the right thing.
What I would say is hand it over to the police. I presume you still have the messages etc. let them deal with it.
As for the lady, she won't leave until she's either ready too or it's too late.
Just call the police and show all the messages. It means you can hand over to them and know you've done everything within your power.
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"My ex cheated on me and is now with the guy. She's now realised the grass definitely wasn't greener. She says he is extremely aggressive in his tone, and constantly insults her, she recently found out he is paying for services as she doesn't fulfill his desires.
Despite all this she forgives him and takes him back.
How di I know this? When she's gets scared she calls me . I told her it's only a matter of time before it gets physical but she says she always submits to him so it won't happen.
If I tell her family because of her religion she'll be ostracised, so I can't let them support her as I am kinda getting fed up of her not listening.
How do I help? Walk away she made her bed so....
I've given her domestic abuse numbers and links . Help or walk away?"
I situation I can identify with.
It's fine to have compassion for the situation but not your problem. You need to have your own closer and space from her. I would advise you inform her it's not your job to support her or be her confidant but to also ask/sign post her to websites and organisations who can help. It's not about being mean or comeuppance it's simply about appropriate boundaries and you're own wellbeing going forward. She is not your job anymore and it's your future you need to look to. |
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Things like this are never black and white and being in similar situations has taught me that's its not so easy to walk away.
My first wife and I were going through a bad patch which obviously led to a divorce. Ok I wasn't the best husband in the world but in the months leading up to it she was always goading me and putting me down. She was trying to get me to hit her, she was trying to get sympathy and had got was trying to get me arrested so and banned from her house. I put my hands behind my back everytime she was right up in my face and stayed calm. She eventually lost it and started punching me round the head so I grabbed her wrists in defence. Well it gave her a bruise and parading it round all our friends telling them I was knocking her around. Her friends didn't believe her and when she found out she was having an affair and spreading lies she lost all her friends. Now the affair was just that and never progressed but if it had of and she had of called me and told be he was aggressive etc I just would have hung up.and and not given it a 2nd thought.
My second marriage my wife had an angry streak that came out when she was under a lot of stress and started drinking to cope, well then sometimes I became her punchbag (mostly verbally but on rare occasions physically. She had grown up in an abusive household were her dad was a d*unk and took his temper out on both her mum.and her. We had a daughter but that still didn't take away her darkside that was still there. She had a look in her eyes when I knew it was brewing so defused the situation even if it meant me apologising for something I hadn't done. I told her there the was no way our daughter was growing up in an abusive household and she agreed and promised to attend counselling. She never did and we split!
Now I suspected she was seeing someone but never mentioned it until I received death threats from the guy I suspected she was seeing. I got straight on it and researched the guy, he had 3 convictions for ABH, had a restraining order from his ex partner and wasn't even given the location of her or his kids.
Well she called me and said she had something to tell me Well I told her I knew and gave her all his precious. Turned out someone cut him up at traffic lights so he dragged the guy out of the car and beat him up in front of her and my daughter.
Well obviously that was the end of it but he didn't take no for answer! Months of threats against her, me her family etc. She also told me he owned a handgun but it was licensed (she wasn't clued up on gun laws) well obviously I had to step in and help as I was concerned about my daughters safety otherwise I'd have told her to shove it. Thankfully that guy is back in prison and she hasn't moved to a different town but she is a bad judge of character and a dread the same thing happing again.
Anyway you didn't ask for my life story but assuming you have no kids with her then just ignore her. However should file a police report telling them what you told us. The police won't do anything unless she contacts her himself but just cover your back in case something bad happens and it's on record that you tried to advise and help.
Then draw a line and walk away! |
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"Things like this are never black and white and being in similar situations has taught me that's its not so easy to walk away.
My first wife and I were going through a bad patch which obviously led to a divorce. Ok I wasn't the best husband in the world but in the months leading up to it she was always goading me and putting me down. She was trying to get me to hit her, she was trying to get sympathy and had got was trying to get me arrested so and banned from her house. I put my hands behind my back everytime she was right up in my face and stayed calm. She eventually lost it and started punching me round the head so I grabbed her wrists in defence. Well it gave her a bruise and parading it round all our friends telling them I was knocking her around. Her friends didn't believe her and when she found out she was having an affair and spreading lies she lost all her friends. Now the affair was just that and never progressed but if it had of and she had of called me and told be he was aggressive etc I just would have hung up.and and not given it a 2nd thought.
My second marriage my wife had an angry streak that came out when she was under a lot of stress and started drinking to cope, well then sometimes I became her punchbag (mostly verbally but on rare occasions physically. She had grown up in an abusive household were her dad was a d*unk and took his temper out on both her mum.and her. We had a daughter but that still didn't take away her darkside that was still there. She had a look in her eyes when I knew it was brewing so defused the situation even if it meant me apologising for something I hadn't done. I told her there the was no way our daughter was growing up in an abusive household and she agreed and promised to attend counselling. She never did and we split!
Now I suspected she was seeing someone but never mentioned it until I received death threats from the guy I suspected she was seeing. I got straight on it and researched the guy, he had 3 convictions for ABH, had a restraining order from his ex partner and wasn't even given the location of her or his kids.
Well she called me and said she had something to tell me Well I told her I knew and gave her all his precious. Turned out someone cut him up at traffic lights so he dragged the guy out of the car and beat him up in front of her and my daughter.
Well obviously that was the end of it but he didn't take no for answer! Months of threats against her, me her family etc. She also told me he owned a handgun but it was licensed (she wasn't clued up on gun laws) well obviously I had to step in and help as I was concerned about my daughters safety otherwise I'd have told her to shove it. Thankfully that guy is back in prison and she hasn't moved to a different town but she is a bad judge of character and a dread the same thing happing again.
Anyway you didn't ask for my life story but assuming you have no kids with her then just ignore her. However should file a police report telling them what you told us. The police won't do anything unless she contacts her himself but just cover your back in case something bad happens and it's on record that you tried to advise and help.
Then draw a line and walk away!"
Guys like that need more than putting in prison unfortunately |
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You need to decide for yourself what your boundaries are and then implement them. If she's given the appropriate support services contact details and encouraged to use the police, if necessary, then she has sufficient details to support herself. It doesn't stop any of us from reporting crimes and vulnerable people in danger, to the relevant authorities but ultimately OP has to determine his own boundaries and responsibilities. |
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"Tell one of her friends, if he's that bad you'd never forgive yourself for walking away if anything happened to her. But she's not your responsibility. Or, if you know enough about him, request a Claire's Law on her behalf. If there's anything to disclose, the police will get in touch with her. "
I don't think he should put it on her friend
Or if he can request the Claire's law on her behalf |
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"Things like this are never black and white and being in similar situations has taught me that's its not so easy to walk away.
My first wife and I were going through a bad patch which obviously led to a divorce. Ok I wasn't the best husband in the world but in the months leading up to it she was always goading me and putting me down. She was trying to get me to hit her, she was trying to get sympathy and had got was trying to get me arrested so and banned from her house. I put my hands behind my back everytime she was right up in my face and stayed calm. She eventually lost it and started punching me round the head so I grabbed her wrists in defence. Well it gave her a bruise and parading it round all our friends telling them I was knocking her around. Her friends didn't believe her and when she found out she was having an affair and spreading lies she lost all her friends. Now the affair was just that and never progressed but if it had of and she had of called me and told be he was aggressive etc I just would have hung up.and and not given it a 2nd thought.
My second marriage my wife had an angry streak that came out when she was under a lot of stress and started drinking to cope, well then sometimes I became her punchbag (mostly verbally but on rare occasions physically. She had grown up in an abusive household were her dad was a d*unk and took his temper out on both her mum.and her. We had a daughter but that still didn't take away her darkside that was still there. She had a look in her eyes when I knew it was brewing so defused the situation even if it meant me apologising for something I hadn't done. I told her there the was no way our daughter was growing up in an abusive household and she agreed and promised to attend counselling. She never did and we split!
Now I suspected she was seeing someone but never mentioned it until I received death threats from the guy I suspected she was seeing. I got straight on it and researched the guy, he had 3 convictions for ABH, had a restraining order from his ex partner and wasn't even given the location of her or his kids.
Well she called me and said she had something to tell me Well I told her I knew and gave her all his precious. Turned out someone cut him up at traffic lights so he dragged the guy out of the car and beat him up in front of her and my daughter.
Well obviously that was the end of it but he didn't take no for answer! Months of threats against her, me her family etc. She also told me he owned a handgun but it was licensed (she wasn't clued up on gun laws) well obviously I had to step in and help as I was concerned about my daughters safety otherwise I'd have told her to shove it. Thankfully that guy is back in prison and she hasn't moved to a different town but she is a bad judge of character and a dread the same thing happing again.
Anyway you didn't ask for my life story but assuming you have no kids with her then just ignore her. However should file a police report telling them what you told us. The police won't do anything unless she contacts her himself but just cover your back in case something bad happens and it's on record that you tried to advise and help.
Then draw a line and walk away!
Guys like that need more than putting in prison unfortunately "
The guy was crazy! Her num runs an ainimal sactuary and on christmas day he sent her a picture of a slaughtered goose and said Thanks for my dinner" obiously he was just an interent picture but still. He also said he was going to apply for access rights to see my daughter (their relationship was about 3 weeks) she blocked him from about 10 phones but just kept getting a new number. Then called up in tears one night and said he had been given 2 months to live.
My ex wife just replied with "shame it isn't 2 weeks" So obviously the death threats then started immediatly. I could go on but I think you get the picture!
Thing is he couldn't even use the "Iwas d*unk and wasn't thinking straight" excuse as he didn't drink at all |
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The thing is that for whatever reason, you just cannot help some people because they don't want the help you are offering. They want you to fix the situation they do not want to walk away from.
All anyone can do is pick up the pieces |
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OP I have tried to sent you am PM but you have blocked men (OK fair enough)
But do not get involved in a discussion with the police or try to anser any award questions about the history of your releationship etc.
Just say you wish to log a report, say you do not want to be involved in any investigation that may arise in the future.
You do not want your ex to be made aware that you filed this report
You are just reporting the facts to cover your own back and do not wish to be contactacted futher as soomn as you hang up.
This is about the 2 of them don't make it about you as well! |
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Op you've done your best to advise her ,she will probably never leave him as she's scared but your stuck in limbo yourself because u still care for her but while she keeps reaching out for you how can you move on and what partner of yours will tolerate an ex constantly contacting you to bemoan her situation |
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By *os19Man 16 weeks ago
Edmonton |
"My ex cheated on me and is now with the guy. She's now realised the grass definitely wasn't greener. She says he is extremely aggressive in his tone, and constantly insults her, she recently found out he is paying for services as she doesn't fulfill his desires.
Despite all this she forgives him and takes him back.
How di I know this? When she's gets scared she calls me . I told her it's only a matter of time before it gets physical but she says she always submits to him so it won't happen.
If I tell her family because of her religion she'll be ostracised, so I can't let them support her as I am kinda getting fed up of her not listening.
How do I help? Walk away she made her bed so....
I've given her domestic abuse numbers and links . Help or walk away?"
. I think a lot depends in how strong your feelings are for her.Do you want her back , can you just be a friend or a shoulder to cry on.At the end of the day you have given her domestic abuse phone numbers and links.If she needed to go to councillor / meetings do you think you could go with her as a friend or would those old feelings you had resurface.You may want to think about yourself and your own mental health wellbeing.No one can tell you what is the right answer as we all have different tolerance levels and different personalities / characteristics.Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. |
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"My ex cheated on me and is now with the guy. She's now realised the grass definitely wasn't greener. She says he is extremely aggressive in his tone, and constantly insults her, she recently found out he is paying for services as she doesn't fulfill his desires.
Despite all this she forgives him and takes him back.
How di I know this? When she's gets scared she calls me . I told her it's only a matter of time before it gets physical but she says she always submits to him so it won't happen.
If I tell her family because of her religion she'll be ostracised, so I can't let them support her as I am kinda getting fed up of her not listening.
How do I help? Walk away she made her bed so....
I've given her domestic abuse numbers and links . Help or walk away?. I think a lot depends in how strong your feelings are for her.Do you want her back , can you just be a friend or a shoulder to cry on.At the end of the day you have given her domestic abuse phone numbers and links.If she needed to go to councillor / meetings do you think you could go with her as a friend or would those old feelings you had resurface.You may want to think about yourself and your own mental health wellbeing.No one can tell you what is the right answer as we all have different tolerance levels and different personalities / characteristics.Best of luck with whatever you decide to do."
NO! A said her and this new guy are planning on getting married. If she leaves him and cuts ties well thats up to the OP but do not get anymore involved. If He finds out he'll blame her, it will be your fault as you have interfered and you could be seen as the bad guy. I have never met this guy but from experiece these people are Narcissists and will propably be the salt of the earth in their friends eyes and he's convinced them that she is the problem etc
For now stay clear! |
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