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Compulsive Gamblers
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By (user no longer on site) OP 18 weeks ago
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I'm at my wits end with "she who shall not be named". Everyone telling me not to bail her out, but how can I ignore it? She's borrowed from friends, family, she's got credit cards I've paid off, PayPal, she's gone through any monies given to her, she doesn't work, she's taken from her daughter and used son's future college funds. I've borrowed from my brother, and father to zero my accounts. She's got hidden accounts and god knows what else.
She's promised to stop many times over. The last straw for me was when I discovered she'd pawned my mother's gold. I've bought it back, plus interest because it had sentimental value. HUGE interest obviously because that's how crap Pawnbrokers are.
Forced her to go to a GA meeting yesterday after that. She reluctantly did so. They were totally amazing there.
Resoundingly everyone's told her to give me access and total control of her finances. And yet, after everything, she's adamant that I'm not going tob get access to anything and that she's not a child and she's in control. It's crazy that she still thinks so.
GamCare have been amazingly supportive. I dunno what I'm after truthfully by writing here, I guess did anyone else have experience as someone who's been affected. I'm just so upset and angered that all logic has gone and I feel trapped that I need to stop it. |
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Find some help for yourself with gamble aware and their free support line.
Have you had a word with her about how it is causing you worry and upset ?
If she has not matured enough yet to care about the harm to herself and others the only thing you can do is be there when she hits rock bottom.
Here's hoping she finally sees what the situation is before it becomes too late.
Good luck to you .... |
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By (user no longer on site) 18 weeks ago
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"Sounds tough. All I will say is there is no point in forcing someone to go GA. Unless they want to go themselves, you're wasting your time. "
Yep.
I was close with someone with addiction, you can show them the door and give them the tools and support them. They have to DO IT!
I cut my ties with them until they got themselves sorted. It was draining.
Good luck op.  you sound at the end of your tether. |
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My ex was addicted to gambling (also a pathological liar but that comes with the territory).
The bald fact is that that you can't do anything, they're the only ones who can. You've got a stark choice between continuing to clear up her mess after her or not.
I can't tell you what to do but I walked away. |
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"I'm at my wits end with "she who shall not be named". Everyone telling me not to bail her out, but how can I ignore it? She's borrowed from friends, family, she's got credit cards I've paid off, PayPal, she's gone through any monies given to her, she doesn't work, she's taken from her daughter and used son's future college funds. I've borrowed from my brother, and father to zero my accounts. She's got hidden accounts and god knows what else.
She's promised to stop many times over. The last straw for me was when I discovered she'd pawned my mother's gold. I've bought it back, plus interest because it had sentimental value. HUGE interest obviously because that's how crap Pawnbrokers are.
Forced her to go to a GA meeting yesterday after that. She reluctantly did so. They were totally amazing there.
Resoundingly everyone's told her to give me access and total control of her finances. And yet, after everything, she's adamant that I'm not going tob get access to anything and that she's not a child and she's in control. It's crazy that she still thinks so.
GamCare have been amazingly supportive. I dunno what I'm after truthfully by writing here, I guess did anyone else have experience as someone who's been affected. I'm just so upset and angered that all logic has gone and I feel trapped that I need to stop it."
What would you say to a friend who confided this to you about their significant other and all they had done for them? |
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By *a LunaWoman 18 weeks ago
South Wales |
As someone who was once in a LTR with someone who had a secret drink problem I’d say do what you have to do for your own peace.
You can only financially bail someone out so many times before you yourself end up in financial difficulty. Friends and family may start avoiding you (in case they get tapped for cash, again). Meanwhile the person you are trying to help is in denial and spending the cash still.
If she’s a partner and you have ties with her then obviously it’s not easy to walk away, just like that. But sometimes you have to put you first. For your own sanity and wellbeing.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.
You can’t save someone that doesn’t want to be saved.
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Do banks not have a responsibility nowadays, as in they can intervene if people are getting themselves into debt by stopping the debit transaction.
It might be a long short as you are not named on her accounts, but if you have her account numbers you could write them down and write to the head office informing them of their duty of care when transactions of this type are leading to a financial position of this type, asking why they are authorising so many transactions leading to obvious hardship shown.
Politely request they block all transactions to any and all companies historically used across her accounts whether physical or online based. |
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I think when someone's actions start to impact on your own mental health it's time to walk away. You are actually helping her along with her gambling by bailing her out each time she can't pay her debts. Stealing from family and pawning your mother's jewellery without permission is a crime which she should be arrested for. Maybe this would give the wake up call she needs. My heart goes out to people with addictions but sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. |
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Hi OP - firstly massive empathy coming your way from Hampshire
Sadly I am not. Qualify to give you the right answer in the thread there are people who have been directly affected in the chaos with this addiction.
I just want to say it’s insidious how adverts supporting gambling are everywhere …
It’s awful this last labour government were so sponsored it’s becoming do accessible on phones TV’s everywhere
It makes the job of recovery even harder
Good luck my fab friend but at some point enough is enough |
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You want to help, you have helped but here is the thing, unless they know they have a problem, unless they ask for help or seek it themselves, there is absolutely nothing you can do currently, you sound like you have done all you can for this person at the moment and it's having a negative effect on your own mental health and while you may love this person (I don't know the full facts) sometimes you have to take a step back and think about yourself, how's it affected you and your emotional wellbeing. I know it sounds harsh but until they are ready to help themselves, there is not much left to do x |
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"Sounds tough. All I will say is there is no point in forcing someone to go GA. Unless they want to go themselves, you're wasting your time. "
True.like with drugs/alcohol they need to hit total total rock bottom , far worse than most imagine, usually takes being homeless, losing friends, job and extremely Ill/hospitalised to accept they have a problem.
What I’ve learned though is the power of changing environments. The strongest habits (good and bad) are broken easily when we change environments. You see the most change when moving house, country, job, starting /ending relationships etc. Routines and environments bind habits , |
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G'day OP,
I'm very sorry to hear what your going through mate.
I witnessed something very similar with my best mates misses over in OZ and it was so heartbreaking to watch a once beautiful person descend into complete madness.
She eventually gave the gambling up, only to replace it with a drug addiction. And all this was happening whilst my mate was going through his last year's having being diagnosed with MND.
This lady did untold damage to her family and friends including her beautiful children.😓
I wish I had some sage advice for you OP, but the hard cold truth is, addiction is a horrible disease with no clear remedy.☹️
Look after yourself mate.
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Honestly at this stage they need to be cut loose! You have done pretty much everything and until they are ready you won’t get it fixed
Get some legal advice now! See where you stand and what rights you have!
Then for you and your kids sake at least threathen separation! It’s like a bold child there’s no point making a threat if you don’t carry it out
Sending you love
X |
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It's so difficult because most of us will stick by a partner suffering from an illness because we love them. However addiction like this is an illness that can bring whole families down, affecting children, ruining relationships, devastating finances causing huge hardship. It's tough when your instinct is to protect and support your loved one and they continue to lie and wreak havoc on the lives of those around them.
It's very easy for us all to advise you to walk away op but I can see that you still have hope. If you can get help for yourself first you will be in a better place to help the addict. This might mean doing some things that you really don't want to but if *you* have support it will make it a bit easier. Don't allow yourself to be taken down with them. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 18 weeks ago
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Thank you all.
Someone PM'ed me a suggestion of "naltrexone" which I'll look into. This saga's cost me thousands ... I need to see it through to some conclusion.
Thank you all. |
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Would she seek medical help and ask for naltrexone, given that she won't give you access to her finances?
I don't want to dismiss the idea out of hand because I know you want to try anything and everything but how many times have you lead this particular horse to water? |
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Have they not been banned from app yet if they online? Bet365 have banned me before for spending excessive time on the app & if she does in shops you could ask them to ban her as she can't afford it. They're all getting big on responsible or safer gambling now
That's only thing I can think of because if they not ready to stop then they'll find a way so banning from apps/shops just puts end to it all |
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By *os19Man 18 weeks ago
Edmonton |
"I'm at my wits end with "she who shall not be named". Everyone telling me not to bail her out, but how can I ignore it? She's borrowed from friends, family, she's got credit cards I've paid off, PayPal, she's gone through any monies given to her, she doesn't work, she's taken from her daughter and used son's future college funds. I've borrowed from my brother, and father to zero my accounts. She's got hidden accounts and god knows what else.
She's promised to stop many times over. The last straw for me was when I discovered she'd pawned my mother's gold. I've bought it back, plus interest because it had sentimental value. HUGE interest obviously because that's how crap Pawnbrokers are.
Forced her to go to a GA meeting yesterday after that. She reluctantly did so. They were totally amazing there.
Resoundingly everyone's told her to give me access and total control of her finances. And yet, after everything, she's adamant that I'm not going tob get access to anything and that she's not a child and she's in control. It's crazy that she still thinks so.
GamCare have been amazingly supportive. I dunno what I'm after truthfully by writing here, I guess did anyone else have experience as someone who's been affected. I'm just so upset and angered that all logic has gone and I feel trapped that I need to stop it."
. About 25 years ago and to this day I write out my bets on the sporting events I bet on in a note pad so that I can see how much I have lost over the years.It was a wake up call that I needed and I’m more control of my gambling more than the 15 years before.My gambling was never as bad as what you have described but I did have my reckless moments.Best of luck with everything. |
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"Thank you all.
Someone PM'ed me a suggestion of "naltrexone" which I'll look into. This saga's cost me thousands ... I need to see it through to some conclusion.
Thank you all."
How would that help a gambling addiction? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 18 weeks ago
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"Thank you all.
Someone PM'ed me a suggestion of "naltrexone" which I'll look into. This saga's cost me thousands ... I need to see it through to some conclusion.
Thank you all.
How would that help a gambling addiction?"
Honestly, I'm not even sure myself.
She's been banned from some sites already, and she has money tied up in others that she can't withdraw apparently for reasons I'm not aware of.
She's refused Gamban and Gamstop because of the "tied up wagers" which she said she'd be willing to do next week.
I don't believe her at all truthfully. I attended the first GA meeting with her, and the sheer honesty of all people there was eye opening and humbling.
For me this is the second from final straw, if this doesn't work then I can only think of the drug option and then ... I'm out |
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"Thank you all.
Someone PM'ed me a suggestion of "naltrexone" which I'll look into. This saga's cost me thousands ... I need to see it through to some conclusion.
Thank you all.
How would that help a gambling addiction?
Honestly, I'm not even sure myself.
She's been banned from some sites already, and she has money tied up in others that she can't withdraw apparently for reasons I'm not aware of.
She's refused Gamban and Gamstop because of the "tied up wagers" which she said she'd be willing to do next week.
I don't believe her at all truthfully. I attended the first GA meeting with her, and the sheer honesty of all people there was eye opening and humbling.
For me this is the second from final straw, if this doesn't work then I can only think of the drug option and then ... I'm out"
But isn't it for treating alcohol or opiate addiction? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 18 weeks ago
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"But isn't it for treating alcohol or opiate addiction?"
I don't know. I only read the Wikipedia article about it today.
Apparently it's a similar buzz? I'll be asking the GP for advice, or referral to a specialist. Will try and ask at a GA meeting next week too. |
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