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Jealousy
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
Controversial and divisive topic incoming....
Have you ever been jealous whilst experiencing fab?
It could be either at a club/meet or event? Or did you have cock envy at an orgy? Or maybe you were snubbed for someone what you really fancied?
Tell me your tales, how it affected you (if at all) and how you dealt with it?
Jealousy is a part of the swinging lifestyle whether you choose to accept it or not, someone has probably felt it at some point.
One example I've felt is... discussing and organising a club meet with someone... I've never been to one before and neither has this person.
But unbeknownst to me, this person was been approached and asked to go prior to us organising it by a couple she knows.
They're going to a club night within the next few days.
I shouldn't be jealous, but it potentially 'taints' the time when we get to go as it won't be her first time anymore.
Water off a ducks back but this thought makes me slightly jealous, even though I'm assured that the time we get to go will be loads better.
Discuss! |
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By *hilloutMan 7 weeks ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
I've not experienced jealousy during my time here. If anything, fab has done away with feelings of jealousy or possessiveness.
I have been the object and victim of jealousy however, on numerous occasions. |
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By *oxy jWoman 7 weeks ago
somerset |
nope never felt it nor has hubs we know why were are here and thats that to say its part of swinging is not correct i know plenty of swinging couples who would say jealousy has no part on this scene and i totally agree ...
we have seen it with some couples its horrible they never last on the scene long |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
"nope never felt it nor has hubs we know why were are here and thats that to say its part of swinging is not correct i know plenty of swinging couples who would say jealousy has no part on this scene and i totally agree ...
we have seen it with some couples its horrible they never last on the scene long "
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a jealous person at all.. the only thing in my scenario that 'irks' me is the talk of so the newness which is no longer shared or mutual.
Either way, as I said, it's not really a third world problem and it's all cool. Just interested to hear other people's takes and stories |
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"nope never felt it nor has hubs we know why were are here and thats that to say its part of swinging is not correct i know plenty of swinging couples who would say jealousy has no part on this scene and i totally agree ...
we have seen it with some couples its horrible they never last on the scene long
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a jealous person at all.. the only thing in my scenario that 'irks' me is the talk of so the newness which is no longer shared or mutual.
Either way, as I said, it's not really a third world problem and it's all cool. Just interested to hear other people's takes and stories"
Be happy for her and her first time experience.
Look at it in a positive way rather than a negative.
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When I first joined I had an FWB and felt jealousy when he met others. He would take great delight in trying to make me feel insecure, saying the other women were "competition". He really got off on it.
I've since had a long-term relationship and we dabbled in swinging, and I never felt jealous. I loved seeing him with others. Obviously, the difference between those two scenarios is trust, care and consideration.
I've read a lot about non-monogamy over the last few years, and jealousy is discussed in depth in most books on the subject. It’s important to understand where the feeling is coming from. Is it fomo, envy, fear of being replaced, a warning sign that you’re not getting what you need from your partner, past relationship patterns creeping in where they don’t belong? etc. The only sensible way to deal with it is through open communication. Bottling it up, ignoring it, denying it will only lead to resentment and misunderstanding.
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I think what your feeling is more envy than jealousy they are totally different types of emotions.
Jealousy is a natural normal reaction to certain things it's how you choose to deal with it that matters.
If you leave it build up and fester it can be destructive. |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
"I think what your feeling is more envy than jealousy they are totally different types of emotions.
Jealousy is a natural normal reaction to certain things it's how you choose to deal with it that matters.
If you leave it build up and fester it can be destructive. "
Envy would be a better word, I agree... more a FOMO |
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I think jealousy can appear in all aspects of our lives not just here. It can happen anytime to anyone.
The best thing I've found is to be honest, ensuring boundaries are discussed and agreed upon throughly. But sometimes it can just happen and I think it's how you deal with it that matters.
I've never felt jealous but I've seen it happen alot in clubs. |
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I am not a jealous person and we have been here for a long time so not new in any way shape or form. In the 18yrs i would say there have been times when yes jealousy has played a role. It is disingenous to state categorically that jealousy has no part in the lifestyle. We are all human with emotions after all ...the difference is we deal with it in different ways due to the lifestyle we choose to live.
Mrs |
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By *oxy jWoman 7 weeks ago
somerset |
"I am not a jealous person and we have been here for a long time so not new in any way shape or form. In the 18yrs i would say there have been times when yes jealousy has played a role. It is disingenous to state categorically that jealousy has no part in the lifestyle. We are all human with emotions after all ...the difference is we deal with it in different ways due to the lifestyle we choose to live.
Mrs "
and thats all very good for you its your life you do it your way but many dont have jealousy or want jealousy so for many it does indeed have no place in the lifestyle ... we are all different nothing wrong with that |
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"I am not a jealous person and we have been here for a long time so not new in any way shape or form. In the 18yrs i would say there have been times when yes jealousy has played a role. It is disingenous to state categorically that jealousy has no part in the lifestyle. We are all human with emotions after all ...the difference is we deal with it in different ways due to the lifestyle we choose to live.
Mrs
and thats all very good for you its your life you do it your way but many dont have jealousy or want jealousy so for many it does indeed have no place in the lifestyle ... we are all different nothing wrong with that"
In no way am i belittling peoples opinions on this, and really trully amazing for the couples who have never felt it ... but if we go down a route of not admitting people have feelings then some in the lifestyle will feel there is something wrong with them for feeling that way whether it be jealousy or envy. There isnt ..it is a normal feeling ..hence tge fact the poly books spend so much time explaining how to deal with it. |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
"I am not a jealous person and we have been here for a long time so not new in any way shape or form. In the 18yrs i would say there have been times when yes jealousy has played a role. It is disingenous to state categorically that jealousy has no part in the lifestyle. We are all human with emotions after all ...the difference is we deal with it in different ways due to the lifestyle we choose to live.
Mrs
and thats all very good for you its your life you do it your way but many dont have jealousy or want jealousy so for many it does indeed have no place in the lifestyle ... we are all different nothing wrong with that
In no way am i belittling peoples opinions on this, and really trully amazing for the couples who have never felt it ... but if we go down a route of not admitting people have feelings then some in the lifestyle will feel there is something wrong with them for feeling that way whether it be jealousy or envy. There isnt ..it is a normal feeling ..hence tge fact the poly books spend so much time explaining how to deal with it."
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By *eliWoman 7 weeks ago
. |
I think of jealousy as being a sort of umbrella term, an almost shorthand to express that we're unhappy, for whatever reason, about something that's happening.
I understand where you're coming from OP - you wanted to share those firsts with another and now that's not the case. I'd feel a bit envious.
I wish we wouldn't portray jealousy as the Big Bad. It's not. How it's handled can be, when it's weaponised? That's really crap. When it's completely irrational and allowed to eat in to a relationship (any dynamic) with another? It's not really fair.
But feeling a pang of envy, of FOMO - that's fine. Treat it as a sign that you need to look at what exactly it is that's bothering you. Take steps to make sure you don't feel it again. |
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I think that jealousy amongst singles can be more prevalent that couples.
As a couple you’ve had many a discussion on how swinging will work for you both and understand that
As a single you can meet someone and can actually in some way totally connect with them but realise they are not on the same page as you or wanting different.
Now that’s totally fine but it can be hard to see them then flirting or being with others |
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By (user no longer on site) 7 weeks ago
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Not sure if its the right phrase for me although my current fwb often says I am in a jokey sense. I would say I have envy though but to be fair if your not envious of the attention the other person gets then I'm not sure you really appreciate what you have? Just my opinion of course! Now cock envy is definitely something I suffer with. There are some really good ones on fab and they have bodies to match too   |
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"I think that jealousy amongst singles can be more prevalent that couples.
As a couple you’ve had many a discussion on how swinging will work for you both and understand that
As a single you can meet someone and can actually in some way totally connect with them but realise they are not on the same page as you or wanting different.
Now that’s totally fine but it can be hard to see them then flirting or being with others "
Spot on. I’m quite a jealous person tbh if I was with a partner I know swinging wouldn’t be for me. I’d worry about what if they had a better time with someone else then didn’t want me. I guess that’s more insecurity than jealousy but I know I couldn’t watch someone I loved with someone else. It’s just who I am |
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Ive been on the receiving end once or twice. Where there's been no talk of exclusivity, I have landed a verification which had someone pretty upset. It wasn't a bad one and she was pissed (jealous? Dunno possibly).
For me there has been a little envy episode. There was someone I quite fancied. It wasn't reciprocated enough for her to give me anything other than a nice kiss. She left with someone younger, better looking and far far hotter and that was really hard to deal with for 5 minutes as I grabbed a cold one and sought solace knowing he wouldn't have been a better kisser!
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"When I first joined I had an FWB and felt jealousy when he met others. He would take great delight in trying to make me feel insecure, saying the other women were "competition". He really got off on it.
I've since had a long-term relationship and we dabbled in swinging, and I never felt jealous. I loved seeing him with others. Obviously, the difference between those two scenarios is trust, care and consideration.
I've read a lot about non-monogamy over the last few years, and jealousy is discussed in depth in most books on the subject. It’s important to understand where the feeling is coming from. Is it fomo, envy, fear of being replaced, a warning sign that you’re not getting what you need from your partner, past relationship patterns creeping in where they don’t belong? etc. The only sensible way to deal with it is through open communication. Bottling it up, ignoring it, denying it will only lead to resentment and misunderstanding.
"
I agree that identifying where the feeling is coming from is half the battle won. |
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As someone else mentioned i actually think it's much easier for couples because you are already a strong unit - you've talked about what you want to get out of swinging and you know /test your boundaries regularly and regroup.
I think with individuals it's harder to have those same conversations at the same level because you don't have that same commitment or investment in each other |
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I have. Only one other person has made my wife orgasm in her entire life and when I watched it happen I did feel a little jealous but that is part of the fun for me. It’s a weird experience seeing the person you love enjoy sex with others but it’s what we signed up for and although it’s never been full blown jealousy I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel it at all. |
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"I think that jealousy amongst singles can be more prevalent that couples.
As a couple you’ve had many a discussion on how swinging will work for you both and understand that
As a single you can meet someone and can actually in some way totally connect with them but realise they are not on the same page as you or wanting different.
Now that’s totally fine but it can be hard to see them then flirting or being with others "
Couples can say they are fine with swinging, but in the heat of the moment, can also really not be fine. Seeing and hearing your partner cum, in ways he doesn't do with you, can tip wives over the edge into rage jealousy  |
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As others have said, I’m not sure that jealousy has no place in swinging, it’s an emotion and most people will feel it in some form.
The question is where it comes from and dealing with that. Jealousy is a secondary emotion, it’s a reaction to insecurity, not having a need met and fear, amongst other things.
The key is in drilling down into where it comes from, why you’re feeling it and being able to deal with or manage that. |
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By *hilloutMan 7 weeks ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
"As others have said, I’m not sure that jealousy has no place in swinging, it’s an emotion and most people will feel it in some form.
The question is where it comes from and dealing with that. Jealousy is a secondary emotion, it’s a reaction to insecurity, not having a need met and fear, amongst other things.
The key is in drilling down into where it comes from, why you’re feeling it and being able to deal with or manage that. "
Very well put. Completely agree. |
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By *uckurcumMan 7 weeks ago
County Durham .Bishop Auckland |
Jealousy..that green eyed monster that cannot be controlled even with the vest of intentions...
I think it's a destructive emotion that resides in most people...
Personally if you open a relationship up to sexual diversification in whatever form it has to have good foundations,and for all the talk and willingness to share someone with another woman or guy ....if there's a hint of envy or jealousy you'll be destroyed.
Jealousy is just destructive. |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
"I think of jealousy as being a sort of umbrella term, an almost shorthand to express that we're unhappy, for whatever reason, about something that's happening.
I understand where you're coming from OP - you wanted to share those firsts with another and now that's not the case. I'd feel a bit envious.
I wish we wouldn't portray jealousy as the Big Bad. It's not. How it's handled can be, when it's weaponised? That's really crap. When it's completely irrational and allowed to eat in to a relationship (any dynamic) with another? It's not really fair.
But feeling a pang of envy, of FOMO - that's fine. Treat it as a sign that you need to look at what exactly it is that's bothering you. Take steps to make sure you don't feel it again."
Thank you for this x
It kind of sums up closest to how I'm feeling. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things... no one is dying, or losing their business, or getting seriously hurt by it... but it's just a sour taste of a sip of slight envy, that's all.
I missed opportunity to have a 'first' with someone a really enjoy spending time with. She says she 'owes me' as she doesn't want th let her friends down, but yeah... ngl... would have been nice to experience it together for the first time, that's all it is really.
But thank you so much for all your stories and inputs |
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It's interesting to read the responses here compared to similar conversations in the poly community.
My point of view is that all emotions have their place and whatever comes up can teach us.
I've felt jealousy, envy, FOMO, insecurity. Acknowledging those feelings and working through them is, for me, growth and part of the reason I'm here. |
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"I think that jealousy amongst singles can be more prevalent that couples.
As a couple you’ve had many a discussion on how swinging will work for you both and understand that
As a single you can meet someone and can actually in some way totally connect with them but realise they are not on the same page as you or wanting different.
Now that’s totally fine but it can be hard to see them then flirting or being with others
Couples can say they are fine with swinging, but in the heat of the moment, can also really not be fine. Seeing and hearing your partner cum, in ways he doesn't do with you, can tip wives over the edge into rage jealousy "
That's a really interesting perspective about the couples. When hearing him cum differently. I never thought of that.
I guess it must be hard too for another man watching his wife be satisfied to different levels too. Even with a secure and communicative marriage. |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
It is, isn't it? Something I've never considered. It's one thing not being in the room on a different night when it happens, it's a completely different thing when you're in the same room WATCHING it happen |
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1St time seeing a partner with other there was a mild twinge of jealousy but soon enjoyed it ...and only natural to feel a twinge but if it is full blown ( and we've met more than afew couples where it's ok for him to flirt/touch Mrs4 BUT when his misses started getting friendly with Mr4 ??) the scene isn't for you ( maybe) xx |
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I had a jealousy blip at the end of last year. My husband was planning a solo meet with someone we have known for years from the social side of this scene. They got on really well and I had a complete meltdown over it.
I think it was partially due to fear of being replaced as they had an insane chemistry, and partially due to fear of missing out as I wanted to feel that sort of passion as well.
Anyway, I almost ruined our relationship with that person, and I would never react the way I did then again!
K |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
Again... just to be clear, I'm not jealous at all of the situation of sharing. I'd rather be there and get a turn on watching it rather than the unknown of NOT being there?
The ONLY thing that is more of a disappointed envy more than any other types of envy is the fact that I don't get to experience it first at the same time as my friend.. that's all.
Anyways yeah. I think singles can experience a different type of envy to couples as people have previously stated about the pre existing 'unit' that couples have already communicated.
I know exactly what the lifestyle involves and all it contains, sometimes these feelings slightly catch you off guard.. it's natural human emotion. |
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"I had a jealousy blip at the end of last year. My husband was planning a solo meet with someone we have known for years from the social side of this scene. They got on really well and I had a complete meltdown over it.
I think it was partially due to fear of being replaced as they had an insane chemistry, and partially due to fear of missing out as I wanted to feel that sort of passion as well.
Anyway, I almost ruined our relationship with that person, and I would never react the way I did then again!
K"
That's a brutally honest post and I bet it's more common than we think. Would you be comfortable with him seeing her again? |
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Only once
We didn't meet off here
I introduced them to this site
I then became envious of how popular they were
This turned to jealousy because I was no longer #1 go to meet
If we did meet, it felt different
It led to me leaving
AFAIK they never knew how I felt
I recognised it wasn't healthy
I also recognised it was my problem, not theirs
I'd never experienced it before, or since - either here or in real life |
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"I had a jealousy blip at the end of last year. My husband was planning a solo meet with someone we have known for years from the social side of this scene. They got on really well and I had a complete meltdown over it.
I think it was partially due to fear of being replaced as they had an insane chemistry, and partially due to fear of missing out as I wanted to feel that sort of passion as well.
Anyway, I almost ruined our relationship with that person, and I would never react the way I did then again!
K"
It is so refreshing to see honesty here, it's a normal human emotion and you got past it which is great & learned going forward.
It happens and it's how we handle and communicate it that counts, I've had my moments when meeting someone who was clearly into the Mr and not me, the more or became apparent the more erm... Insecure I felt I guess is the word. I felt like a third wheel I wouldn't say jealous as such but close but that got discussed and it wouldn't happen again, I wouldn't allow it.
Mrs |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
"Only once
We didn't meet off here
I introduced them to this site
I then became envious of how popular they were
This turned to jealousy because I was no longer #1 go to meet
If we did meet, it felt different
It led to me leaving
AFAIK they never knew how I felt
I recognised it wasn't healthy
I also recognised it was my problem, not theirs
I'd never experienced it before, or since - either here or in real life"
Thank you for sharing this, I appreciate the honesty. It's proof that it can exist on many levels.. even to those that are hardiest |
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The thing with jealousy, envy, joy, any feeling really, is that if unexpected, can be a shocker! Communicate that feeling, use it as a tool.
Make sure nothing is left unsaid.
I know compersion is the ideal. Not always that easy.
Congratulate yourself if you can share that emotion and use it for good.
We can be fragile when least expected.
That's no crime.
 |
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"I had a jealousy blip at the end of last year. My husband was planning a solo meet with someone we have known for years from the social side of this scene. They got on really well and I had a complete meltdown over it.
I think it was partially due to fear of being replaced as they had an insane chemistry, and partially due to fear of missing out as I wanted to feel that sort of passion as well.
Anyway, I almost ruined our relationship with that person, and I would never react the way I did then again!
K
That's a brutally honest post and I bet it's more common than we think. Would you be comfortable with him seeing her again?"
Absolutely! We had a long chat (all three of us) and that has helped a lot. I know now that I don't need to be threatened by her or anybody else, because my husband wouldn't do anything that would hurt me.
K |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
"The thing with jealousy, envy, joy, any feeling really, is that if unexpected, can be a shocker! Communicate that feeling, use it as a tool.
Make sure nothing is left unsaid.
I know compersion is the ideal. Not always that easy.
Congratulate yourself if you can share that emotion and use it for good.
We can be fragile when least expected.
That's no crime.
"
Communication is so important. I am communicating as much as I can, fairly x |
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"I had a jealousy blip at the end of last year. My husband was planning a solo meet with someone we have known for years from the social side of this scene. They got on really well and I had a complete meltdown over it.
I think it was partially due to fear of being replaced as they had an insane chemistry, and partially due to fear of missing out as I wanted to feel that sort of passion as well.
Anyway, I almost ruined our relationship with that person, and I would never react the way I did then again!
K
It is so refreshing to see honesty here, it's a normal human emotion and you got past it which is great & learned going forward.
It happens and it's how we handle and communicate it that counts, I've had my moments when meeting someone who was clearly into the Mr and not me, the more or became apparent the more erm... Insecure I felt I guess is the word. I felt like a third wheel I wouldn't say jealous as such but close but that got discussed and it wouldn't happen again, I wouldn't allow it.
Mrs "
Yeah, it's such a mood killer when it happens  we only meet bisexual women, but more than once they were only after my other half and I didn't even need to be in the room
K |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
Let me just pause for a second and take a moment to say to you all...
Thank you for your honesty stories. I know some of these can touch a nerve so I appreciate every single one of you, sincerely...
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"nope never felt it nor has hubs we know why were are here and thats that to say its part of swinging is not correct i know plenty of swinging couples who would say jealousy has no part on this scene and i totally agree ...
we have seen it with some couples its horrible they never last on the scene long
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a jealous person at all.. the only thing in my scenario that 'irks' me is the talk of so the newness which is no longer shared or mutual.
Either way, as I said, it's not really a third world problem and it's all cool. Just interested to hear other people's takes and stories"
Maybe treat it as disappointment rather than jealousy (which probably has a less negative effect) |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
"nope never felt it nor has hubs we know why were are here and thats that to say its part of swinging is not correct i know plenty of swinging couples who would say jealousy has no part on this scene and i totally agree ...
we have seen it with some couples its horrible they never last on the scene long
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a jealous person at all.. the only thing in my scenario that 'irks' me is the talk of so the newness which is no longer shared or mutual.
Either way, as I said, it's not really a third world problem and it's all cool. Just interested to hear other people's takes and stories
Maybe treat it as disappointment rather than jealousy (which probably has a less negative effect)"
That's what I'm coming to terms with |
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It’s going to happen… the twinges, gut punches and slap in the faces, figuratively I hope. The veri, the status update, the sexy pic with someone else, the alternate plans… To be completely ambivalent to it is impossible unless there is a ‘you’re a psycho’ lack of empathy or other axe murderer tendencies. We are going to feel jealousy to different degrees and to different stimuli, everyone has the capacity for jealousy. There are numerous situations that could make us jealous, though some people are lucky enough to have few jealousy triggers and don’t encounter them very often. A few of us might make it through life without ever encountering a jealousy trigger.. the vast majority of us will have to face jealousy at some point in our lives. Best suggestion is to turn the emotional discomfort into curiosity. Or just push it down, rationalise it and suck it up |
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Jealousy is a human emotion. It can lead to negative behaviours if it isn't handled well. If it is then there can be positive outcomes too.
Too often people's feelings are dismissed negatively e.g. you're not a swinger or poly etc. That then shuts down the potential for positive collaborative communication. I think that's potentially quite a controlling behaviour, even if it's done without intent. Hey I'm not feeling good about this, can we talk? No you're just being jealous, you should be happy for me. 🚩
Like Meli said it's also a catch all term to deflect from other things. If I arrange something with someone, I then let them down to spend time with someone else. That person may feel angry, disappointed, hurt. Passing that off as them being jealous is kind of contemptible, it's inconsiderate and arrogant.
If a partner feels jealousy, I would hope they can talk to me about it and know I'm not going to be dismissive of their feelings.
It's just a bit of a theory, but I think jealousy bites people in the ass due to a denial of catching the feelies. That's why there's this phenomenon of why am I jealous... Shit I must have caught the feelies arrrrggggh run for the hills. I usually say: maybe you should look for a different measure than jealousy, it doesn't seem like the best way to start a relationship: I realised I had feelings for you, when I got jealous. Ooh put a 💍 on it! |
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"I had a jealousy blip at the end of last year. My husband was planning a solo meet with someone we have known for years from the social side of this scene. They got on really well and I had a complete meltdown over it.
I think it was partially due to fear of being replaced as they had an insane chemistry, and partially due to fear of missing out as I wanted to feel that sort of passion as well.
Anyway, I almost ruined our relationship with that person, and I would never react the way I did then again!
K
It is so refreshing to see honesty here, it's a normal human emotion and you got past it which is great & learned going forward.
It happens and it's how we handle and communicate it that counts, I've had my moments when meeting someone who was clearly into the Mr and not me, the more or became apparent the more erm... Insecure I felt I guess is the word. I felt like a third wheel I wouldn't say jealous as such but close but that got discussed and it wouldn't happen again, I wouldn't allow it.
Mrs
Yeah, it's such a mood killer when it happens we only meet bisexual women, but more than once they were only after my other half and I didn't even need to be in the room
K"
It really is, like I'll just sit here then 💅🫣
It's something I wouldn't let happen again.
Mrs |
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By *ornycougaWoman 7 weeks ago
Wherever I lay my hat in Europe NOT UK |
I'm going to be a pedant but this distinction helped me with negative feelings that I used to occasionally experience. Jealousy is fear of losing something you have. Envy is wanting something you do not have. I found this subtle but important distinction useful as I had no one to lose, so I couldn't be experiencing jealousy. I might in the past have experienced envy if someone I wanted to meet chose someone else over me, but I found it much easier to rationalise their choice to do that and therefore to manage any envious thoughts I may have had in the past. |
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"I'm going to be a pedant but this distinction helped me with negative feelings that I used to occasionally experience. Jealousy is fear of losing something you have. Envy is wanting something you do not have. I found this subtle but important distinction useful as I had no one to lose, so I couldn't be experiencing jealousy. I might in the past have experienced envy if someone I wanted to meet chose someone else over me, but I found it much easier to rationalise their choice to do that and therefore to manage any envious thoughts I may have had in the past. "
I think that's a very important distinction though. It's easy to feel envious of others because they're experiencing something that you haven't which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and wondering what more you have to do. I'm still not fully sure how I would handle it, but know it's not as easy as just "growing a thick skin" |
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"I'm going to be a pedant but this distinction helped me with negative feelings that I used to occasionally experience. Jealousy is fear of losing something you have. Envy is wanting something you do not have. I found this subtle but important distinction useful as I had no one to lose, so I couldn't be experiencing jealousy. I might in the past have experienced envy if someone I wanted to meet chose someone else over me, but I found it much easier to rationalise their choice to do that and therefore to manage any envious thoughts I may have had in the past. "
It's that capacity to split hairs that get my attention. It's not even whether your definitions are objectively true. It's that you can discern for yourself.
Emotions are the ingredients of life as far as I am concerned. It's like watching an artisan chef temper their spices and then there's that moment of the taste test and it's just right. Their faces illuminated with satisfaction.
It's not pedantic when it carries such value. It's an essential quality. |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
This is all very correct, rational and informative.
It's easy to fly off the handle over something without intending for it to come across as 'needy' 'malicious' or 'petulant'
The degree is in the detail of how you handle it, but likewise the other person has to understand your feelings and do what they can to comfort you and ease the mind.
It's a 50/50 and as much as one person is feeling the green envy, the other person should respect that, even if you feel they shouldn't have to.... to me, it's just a bit of common ground courtesy. |
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I have never felt any kind of jealousy when swinging.
I have had a few regrets that I couldn't join in but not resented that person having a good time.
You shouldn't let emotions effect your sex life, if they do then you shouldn't rethink if swinging is for you. |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
"I have never felt any kind of jealousy when swinging.
I have had a few regrets that I couldn't join in but not resented that person having a good time.
You shouldn't let emotions effect your sex life, if they do then you shouldn't rethink if swinging is for you. "
Again, the problem isn't the envy of sharing.. it's the envy of not being able to visit the club for the first time 'together' as a new experience, and the many firsts that come with it. |
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"Jealousy or envy is a human emotion. Those who say they never feel it make wonder..."
Two very different things, envy is wanting what isn’t yours or haven’t worked for, it’s not something I’ve ever felt.
I’ve felt a little bit jealous a few times, my first few mmf’s and swaps when it’s with your partner and you find another guy. I’ve never had the kink of enjoying seeing my partner with another, I’m fine for it to happen but prefer not to watch !
|
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B and I have both had times of insecurity and fomo. It's fairly human I think.
Solo meets took quite a lot of processing for us both. And I think that it can seem to him that I have way more opportunities in the lifestyle which can be hard to deal with emotionally.
But we don't try to hide our feelings and do our best to communicate openly and honestly. That way we can provide each other with the reassurance needed.
J |
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"B and I have both had times of insecurity and fomo. It's fairly human I think.
Solo meets took quite a lot of processing for us both. And I think that it can seem to him that I have way more opportunities in the lifestyle which can be hard to deal with emotionally.
But we don't try to hide our feelings and do our best to communicate openly and honestly. That way we can provide each other with the reassurance needed.
J"
Does that not sometimes feel like you are 'testing ' your relationship though?
If there are doubts then why test them? |
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Look at it positively. She's been once before, is probably a bit more relaxed and less anxious, so your visit with her may well be better than if it was first time for both of you.
E.g. first time sex - you took her cherry but it probably wasn't the best! |
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I am a jealous person and not afraid to admit it.
I always want to be the priority and not an option. I am kind of glad in a way that I don’t have a swinging partner.
However, I have interacted, both sexually and socially with couples and their level of trust, connection and compersion was amazing. It made me feel a bit of FOMO as in I’ll never have a relationship like that…. |
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"B and I have both had times of insecurity and fomo. It's fairly human I think.
Solo meets took quite a lot of processing for us both. And I think that it can seem to him that I have way more opportunities in the lifestyle which can be hard to deal with emotionally.
But we don't try to hide our feelings and do our best to communicate openly and honestly. That way we can provide each other with the reassurance needed.
J"
I really appreciate this comment and can relate to it.
The solo meets were definitely a thing for my wife and I to process. And the difference in opportunities. It's where my demisexuality emerged too. That took a lot of processing, but we had got into a dynamic that it was fun. It became enjoyable and nurturing, the exploration and discovery and it brought us closer together. She even went through a phase of trying to find me FB, before she realised it just doesn't work like that for me. 😆.
Like you said when the solution is something as simple as two people who love each other being reassuring, it's kind of tragic to me to make that into a huge jealousy argument. Also appreciating it's not about having the same or equivalent experiences, especially in the solo meet context.
That's why I think it's a bit toxic to dismiss emotions. And what does it really mean to say emotions shouldn't effect swinging? Couples should become emotional detached from each other, if they swing? And as if lust isn't an emotional state or compersion.
I think it would be super convenient at times if we could just switch off certain emotions, but that's just not how being human works. Resilience comes from being open to emotions, learning how to feel and process them in healthier ways. Like talking about them with your partner, without the language of blame. |
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"Jealousy or envy is a human emotion. Those who say they never feel it make wonder...
Two very different things, envy is wanting what isn’t yours or haven’t worked for, it’s not something I’ve ever felt.
I’ve felt a little bit jealous a few times, my first few mmf’s and swaps when it’s with your partner and you find another guy. I’ve never had the kink of enjoying seeing my partner with another, I’m fine for it to happen but prefer not to watch !
"
Hhhm, I'm envious and jealous of people who had no work today and I do...your version of envy seems quite narrow.
Those words are quite similar in their meaning (in this particular context)
|
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"B and I have both had times of insecurity and fomo. It's fairly human I think.
Solo meets took quite a lot of processing for us both. And I think that it can seem to him that I have way more opportunities in the lifestyle which can be hard to deal with emotionally.
But we don't try to hide our feelings and do our best to communicate openly and honestly. That way we can provide each other with the reassurance needed.
J
Does that not sometimes feel like you are 'testing ' your relationship though?
If there are doubts then why test them?"
No, because the other is the priority. We've both said that we would walk away from this if the other needed that.
Our relationship had already been tested to the max well before we joined fab. I'm not sharing details here but honestly swinging won't test it compared to that.
In terms of the solo meets being difficult... I did it first, and had an incredible time so I wanted B to experience that too. But I won't deny that I found the first time really hard. But that's a me problem not a him problem even though he offered so many times not to go ahead. We're at the compersion stage now. Monogamy is not for us but a 20+ year marriage takes precedence over the shiny.
Hope that makes sense.
J |
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I've seen it in others. I had been meeting a woman from here who was turning out to be a bit crazy and possessive. She also kept trying to make me jealous by mentioning other guys she was chatting to and meeting. I think it pissed her off when I was fine with it As soon as I met someone else and posted a new veri she lost her shit and blocked me of course. I look at it as I got to have some fun and then dodged a bullet before she went totally psycho! |
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I get the FOMO jealousy for sure.
I know my partner is off doing something fun while I'm stuck at home or with family or something boring? Of course I feel like I'm missing out. I'll pout my way through whatever my boring commitment is and be over it by the time they're back.
It's rare for me to just get straight jealousy. Usually I'm happy to know the people I care about are doing fun things with people they enjoy without any issue.
If I'm getting actual jealousy I usually have to take some time to work out why I'm having that reaction. And usually when it's happened it comes down to an insecurity in the relationship. So that's what I need to address, instead of focusing on the jealousy I try to work on what's caused that insecurity in the first place. |
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"Jealousy or envy is a human emotion. Those who say they never feel it make wonder...
Two very different things, envy is wanting what isn’t yours or haven’t worked for, it’s not something I’ve ever felt.
I’ve felt a little bit jealous a few times, my first few mmf’s and swaps when it’s with your partner and you find another guy. I’ve never had the kink of enjoying seeing my partner with another, I’m fine for it to happen but prefer not to watch !
Hhhm, I'm envious and jealous of people who had no work today and I do...your version of envy seems quite narrow.
Those words are quite similar in their meaning (in this particular context)
"
That’s because the original meaning of jealousy has been distorted to mean pretty much envy. Greek original meaning is more of a hurting from an intense desire for someone who pulls away |
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"If you're jealous you shouldn't be on here "
I think jealousy as a feeling and emotion is normal an can be handled while still being on here but as others have mentioned above, as long as you know how to channel that, it can be managed. Not all negative emotions need to have negative outcomes. |
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"Jealousy or envy is a human emotion. Those who say they never feel it make wonder...
Two very different things, envy is wanting what isn’t yours or haven’t worked for, it’s not something I’ve ever felt.
I’ve felt a little bit jealous a few times, my first few mmf’s and swaps when it’s with your partner and you find another guy. I’ve never had the kink of enjoying seeing my partner with another, I’m fine for it to happen but prefer not to watch !
Hhhm, I'm envious and jealous of people who had no work today and I do...your version of envy seems quite narrow.
Those words are quite similar in their meaning (in this particular context)
That’s because the original meaning of jealousy has been distorted to mean pretty much envy. Greek original meaning is more of a hurting from an intense desire for someone who pulls away "
Spot on.....😭 |
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No. I don’t feel jealous. But I’m also single.
Not sure why you feel the need to compare your club night to the other one. Seems strange behaviour to me. Surely can have fun at both and enjoy for different reasons.
Always gonna feel a certain way I’d you expect your time to be the best always? |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
Because we talked about it and built it up to be a special event for us both... an emphasis on it being the first time. We set a few rules, boundaries, things we were both OK with etc |
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"Because we talked about it and built it up to be a special event for us both... an emphasis on it being the first time. We set a few rules, boundaries, things we were both OK with etc"
Have you spoken with her about this OP? |
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"B and I have both had times of insecurity and fomo. It's fairly human I think.
Solo meets took quite a lot of processing for us both. And I think that it can seem to him that I have way more opportunities in the lifestyle which can be hard to deal with emotionally.
But we don't try to hide our feelings and do our best to communicate openly and honestly. That way we can provide each other with the reassurance needed.
J
Does that not sometimes feel like you are 'testing ' your relationship though?
If there are doubts then why test them?
No, because the other is the priority. We've both said that we would walk away from this if the other needed that.
Our relationship had already been tested to the max well before we joined fab. I'm not sharing details here but honestly swinging won't test it compared to that.
In terms of the solo meets being difficult... I did it first, and had an incredible time so I wanted B to experience that too. But I won't deny that I found the first time really hard. But that's a me problem not a him problem even though he offered so many times not to go ahead. We're at the compersion stage now. Monogamy is not for us but a 20+ year marriage takes precedence over the shiny.
Hope that makes sense.
J"
It sounds like you had to ' work' at accepting him going solo.
I can't understand why people would do this to themselves when it's easier just to say. .this doesn't work for me and I don't want it to happen |
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"B and I have both had times of insecurity and fomo. It's fairly human I think.
Solo meets took quite a lot of processing for us both. And I think that it can seem to him that I have way more opportunities in the lifestyle which can be hard to deal with emotionally.
But we don't try to hide our feelings and do our best to communicate openly and honestly. That way we can provide each other with the reassurance needed.
J
Does that not sometimes feel like you are 'testing ' your relationship though?
If there are doubts then why test them?
No, because the other is the priority. We've both said that we would walk away from this if the other needed that.
Our relationship had already been tested to the max well before we joined fab. I'm not sharing details here but honestly swinging won't test it compared to that.
In terms of the solo meets being difficult... I did it first, and had an incredible time so I wanted B to experience that too. But I won't deny that I found the first time really hard. But that's a me problem not a him problem even though he offered so many times not to go ahead. We're at the compersion stage now. Monogamy is not for us but a 20+ year marriage takes precedence over the shiny.
Hope that makes sense.
J
It sounds like you had to ' work' at accepting him going solo.
I can't understand why people would do this to themselves when it's easier just to say. .this doesn't work for me and I don't want it to happen "
I had to work at being a good parent. I had to work at getting good at my job. I had to work at learning certain artistic skills. Sometimes worthwhile things take work. 🤷♀️
But I appreciate it's not for everyone.
J |
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Coming from a single guy’s perspective, I’ve found a lot of conversations go dead after a few messages. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s two reasons; you’re hitting it off with the missus and then the mister gets wind of it or it was the mister pretending to be the missus all along. Either way seems born out of jealousy. |
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Think in this situation jealous can be, me and partner think former now she knows knowing about Emily but when we as have an account couples on here we met couples and single men, ok for her to play with men plus women but when I wanted to play with his woman she didn't like, don't get me wrong I didn't either with men but let her but she thinks I'm straight as don't know about Emily rose my point is jealous always there either you say no it's there. |
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"If it's so much hard work, and causes so much angst, I really don't understand why people put themselves through it"
Us guys cocks sometimes direct our brains as get carried away. Forgive us if you can |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
"Because we talked about it and built it up to be a special event for us both... an emphasis on it being the first time. We set a few rules, boundaries, things we were both OK with etc
Have you spoken with her about this OP?"
Yes, we have talked. But she's her own free person and free to do whatever she wants. I don't want to push the issue too much because of fear of driving her away or making it worse. She goes quieter and less responsive the more emotionally heavy things get.
End of the day, she's a close friend, not in an 'emotional' relationship |
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By *8on33Man 7 weeks ago
winfrith |
"nope never felt it nor has hubs we know why were are here and thats that to say its part of swinging is not correct i know plenty of swinging couples who would say jealousy has no part on this scene and i totally agree ...
we have seen it with some couples its horrible they never last on the scene long
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a jealous person at all.. the only thing in my scenario that 'irks' me is the talk of so the newness which is no longer shared or mutual.
Either way, as I said, it's not really a third world problem and it's all cool. Just interested to hear other people's takes and stories"
I've not experienced it myself but I've seen the result of it at a club . |
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"Because we talked about it and built it up to be a special event for us both... an emphasis on it being the first time. We set a few rules, boundaries, things we were both OK with etc
Have you spoken with her about this OP?
Yes, we have talked. But she's her own free person and free to do whatever she wants. I don't want to push the issue too much because of fear of driving her away or making it worse. She goes quieter and less responsive the more emotionally heavy things get.
End of the day, she's a close friend, not in an 'emotional' relationship"
I get that, but if she's as close of a friend as you say, then she should acknowledge your feelings and the role she played in that, even if she is her own person. You discussed doing something together and she moved away from that knowing how much it probably meant to you. She doesn't owe you anything, but it was a bit shitty and she should've acknowledged that rather than go quiet on you. |
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"Because we talked about it and built it up to be a special event for us both... an emphasis on it being the first time. We set a few rules, boundaries, things we were both OK with etc
Have you spoken with her about this OP?
Yes, we have talked. But she's her own free person and free to do whatever she wants. I don't want to push the issue too much because of fear of driving her away or making it worse. She goes quieter and less responsive the more emotionally heavy things get.
End of the day, she's a close friend, not in an 'emotional' relationship
I get that, but if she's as close of a friend as you say, then she should acknowledge your feelings and the role she played in that, even if she is her own person. You discussed doing something together and she moved away from that knowing how much it probably meant to you. She doesn't owe you anything, but it was a bit shitty and she should've acknowledged that rather than go quiet on you."
I'm with you on this Joe. And I would say OP if you are fearful of expressing how you feel, that's something I would mention to her. That's a no-no for me, especially if it's something that's bothering you. I'm not sure that's a quality I'd want within a friendship. |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
Thank you for the input, guys.
Tonight is the night that the event will happen and since a few crusty frosty messages yesterday stating 'if I need an emotionally available person then she isn't it. She's looking to have fun with no drama' but I personally think that my feelings and thoughts aren't to be taken as 'drama' they're genuine feelings and concerns and I hope they are respected and honoured... just like hers would be if it were the other way round.
Hopefully, will hear back soon |
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"Thank you for the input, guys.
Tonight is the night that the event will happen and since a few crusty frosty messages yesterday stating 'if I need an emotionally available person then she isn't it. She's looking to have fun with no drama' but I personally think that my feelings and thoughts aren't to be taken as 'drama' they're genuine feelings and concerns and I hope they are respected and honoured... just like hers would be if it were the other way round.
Hopefully, will hear back soon"
I get it, in as far as you were looking for and agreed to a shared new experience... something similar happened to me and then after the fact i discovered it was a total crock of shit
At least you know i guess |
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By *_Mr.K_x OP Man 7 weeks ago
Somewhere between Hades and Narnia |
Yeah, pretty much the nail on the head... jealous, envious, disappointed... whatever you want to call it, only over the fact that it's a missed opportunity for a shared new experience |
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At the moment no, as I feel secure in myself and my relationship.
Looking back I wouldn't say jealous I'd say I felt really insecure in myself, insecure of my place in the relationship and of actions displayed. Thos concerns were always brushed away or promised they'd be talked about at a later date and they often weren't.
Now that isn't a concern  as I've been supported with him by my side when required through some horrible shit, been made to feel safe to be myself, been given the gift of time and been made to feel truly valued, cute and interesting So I'm building myself back up with his support when required so I'm not feeling so insecure about myself. Plus why would he do all that if he didn't care for me? So as we are secure, there is no need for jealousy. I may feel a sense of weirdness if he had ethical relations with another because it's not happened yet while we've been in a relationship.
Thank you Mr. Actions speak louder than words xx |
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