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Self confidence help…
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I have taken onboard criticism, been judged harshly, but nonetheless, I had stayed true to addressing my confidence issues and understanding the heart of them.
My most recent challenge; was set for the Manchester Lounge Social; My goal was to be as social as possible, don’t be quiet, sat in a dark corner like a mushroom, be social with as many different people as possible, in the course of the evening.
Meeting as many as possible wasn’t about being a pick up artist, It was not about collecting telephone numbers, it was not about ‘men behaving badly’, nothing anything other than being equally vulnerable and courageous, by initiating conversations with as many great people as possible, building my confidence, which is exactly what I did. 
Whilst doing so, I have been penning down my thoughts they were affirmations. But also lessons if that makes sense?
They are below, think of it like a check list for my mind; I thought I’d ask you equally vulnerable & courageous lot; what other ideas came to mind?
1. Practice positive self-talk: Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations to build self-confidence.
2. Set goals: Achieving them in small chunks can boost your confidence and help you see your progress.
3. Dress to impress: Dressing in a way that makes you feel good about yourself can improve your self-confidence.
4. Learn something new: Acquiring new skills or knowledge can make you feel more confident in your abilities.
5. Take care of yourself: Eating healthy meals, exercising regularly, and practicing good hygiene can improve your self-confidence.
6. Speak up: Don't be afraid to voice your opinions and ideas. This can help you feel more confident in your abilities.
7. Surround yourself with positive people: Being around people who support and encourage you can help boost your self-confidence.
8. Embrace your unique qualities: Recognize and appreciate your unique qualities and talents.
9. Practice assertiveness: Being assertive and standing up for yourself can help you feel more confident.
10. Face your fears: Don't let fear hold you back. Facing your fears head-on can help you build self-confidence.
Others?
Also happy to answer your questions.
Regards
Chad Thundercock (a coat of armour!)  | |||
As an extroverted introvert (yes, we do exist) this is very useful. It is extremely difficult for me to approach people to say hello- I tend to wait to be approached. Which sometimes results in being in a corner like a mushroom as you say. But your list is great and #1. Is one of the building blocks of CBT.
Hope hou enjoyed the social. I hear it was really good. I am still gutted that I couldn’t go.  | |||
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"Also happy to answer your questions. Regards Chad Thundercock (a coat of armour!) "1) It is my intent to share WHAT I did for each number in the list. 2) I’ll will also as part of this thread, describe how it went for me, at the MLS. Chad Thundercock | |||
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"But you haven’t said how it went for you, OP.
As an extroverted introvert (yes, we do exist) this is very useful. It is extremely difficult for me to approach people to say hello- I tend to wait to be approached. Which sometimes results in being in a corner like a mushroom as you say. But your list is great and #1. Is one of the building blocks of CBT.
Hope hou enjoyed the social. I hear it was really good. I am still gutted that I couldn’t go. "See I'd use the term omnivert | |||
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"It's very difficult putting yourself out there when you are an introvert, your guide is excellent How did you find it, once you started?? " Techniques wise It started for me in small ways. Firstly introducing small talk in to conversations with people I knew, by asking more diverse and broad questions rather than just about the weather and holidays. I had to choose the people based on those I thought would be friendly and receptive. I only knew about 5 in the room. I asked a few questions about favourite holiday memories, top 5 songs to listen to when** , tell me your favourite** …etc.. but they were few and far between. For me the biggest one was I found a technique called the FORD technique and utilised that; Asking questions related to.. F= Family O= Occupation R= Recreation D= Dreams/Desires in life They spur other branches of conversation… etc I could go on. I won’t; but there are loads of things and learning I did! Like actually did to train and refine. Think about a balboa training montage, but me instead, learning! Yeh…Nevermind! 0-) (silly boy) On the night I came away with very mixed feelings. Tbh. I still stayed away from a few people I might have felt intimidated, insecure or uncomfortable around due to my mental image of them, key people of influence and people I really wanted to get to know but really nervous around as they’re big personalities to me personally. But, sadly for those people, they are people I need to make more effort with. Real hero worship stuff going on. So next time, they’ll be my focus area. regrettably for you, you are one of those people.
Also finally; I did myself no favour in someways. As afterwards I found out some people wanted more conversation and wanted more connection, but because i was in anxiety and trying to not anchor in to my usual state, we didn’t get to. That’s on me for being aloof in sense, trying not to be creepy, anchor, overstay a welcome & introduction. Again leans into my own self talk.
I am still learning
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"I'm gonna add 1 to your list ..don't try too hard to be all things to all people. It will exhaust you pretty quickly " I can't even be anything to myself nevermind anyone else | |||
"But you haven’t said how it went for you, OP.
As an extroverted introvert (yes, we do exist) this is very useful. It is extremely difficult for me to approach people to say hello- I tend to wait to be approached. Which sometimes results in being in a corner like a mushroom as you say. But your list is great and #1. Is one of the building blocks of CBT.
Hope hou enjoyed the social. I hear it was really good. I am still gutted that I couldn’t go. "I did I take criticism ahead of the event, that if I was going to be going around the room, being social, meeting as many as people as possible, then my energies are not well placed on building relationships and would be perceived to be acting like a pick up artist, and would find myself unwelcome. I mention this as it was a crucial piece of feedback/information to me. So I had to broadcast in advance what my intent was and why? In the main it was accepted, but the risk was if I had not, Reputationaly it could have been perceived the wrong way. Broadcasting in advance really helped me manage the message and the intent. I enjoyed it, I laughed hard, I met people I want to keep in my life. I cannot wait to see them all again soon. Chad I didn’t come away with numbers. I came away with rising confidence and a sense of belonging. Mission accomplished. | |||
"But you haven’t said how it went for you, OP.
As an extroverted introvert (yes, we do exist) this is very useful. It is extremely difficult for me to approach people to say hello- I tend to wait to be approached. Which sometimes results in being in a corner like a mushroom as you say. But your list is great and #1. Is one of the building blocks of CBT.
Hope hou enjoyed the social. I hear it was really good. I am still gutted that I couldn’t go.
I did I take criticism ahead of the event, that if I was going to be going around the room, being social, meeting as many as people as possible, then my energies are not well placed on building relationships and would be perceived to be acting like a pick up artist, and would find myself unwelcome.
I mention this as it was a crucial piece of feedback/information to me.
So I had to broadcast in advance what my intent was and why? In the main it was accepted, but the risk was if I had not, Reputationaly it could have been perceived the wrong way. Broadcasting in advance really helped me manage the message and the intent.
I enjoyed it, I laughed hard, I met people I want to keep in my life. I cannot wait to see them all again soon.
Chad
I didn’t come away with numbers. I came away with rising confidence and a sense of belonging. Mission accomplished.
"Well done matey. I'm certain your next outing will be even more fruitful. Confidence builds confidence | |||
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"I like this thread but I’m confused why self esteem and introversion are being correlated? " Good point. The most insecure person I know is an extrovert, and the most secure an introvert. | |||
"It's very difficult putting yourself out there when you are an introvert, your guide is excellent How did you find it, once you started?? Techniques wise It started for me in small ways. Firstly introducing small talk in to conversations with people I knew, by asking more diverse and broad questions rather than just about the weather and holidays. I had to choose the people based on those I thought would be friendly and receptive. I only knew about 5 in the room. I asked a few questions about favourite holiday memories, top 5 songs to listen to when** , tell me your favourite** …etc.. but they were few and far between. For me the biggest one was I found a technique called the FORD technique and utilised that; Asking questions related to.. F= Family O= Occupation R= Recreation D= Dreams/Desires in life They spur other branches of conversation… etc I could go on. I won’t; but there are loads of things and learning I did! Like actually did to train and refine. Think about a balboa training montage, but me instead, learning! Yeh…Nevermind! 0-) (silly boy) On the night I came away with very mixed feelings. Tbh. I still stayed away from a few people I might have felt intimidated, insecure or uncomfortable around due to my mental image of them, key people of influence and people I really wanted to get to know but really nervous around as they’re big personalities to me personally. But, sadly for those people, they are people I need to make more effort with. Real hero worship stuff going on. So next time, they’ll be my focus area. regrettably for you, you are one of those people.
Also finally; I did myself no favour in someways. As afterwards I found out some people wanted more conversation and wanted more connection, but because i was in anxiety and trying to not anchor in to my usual state, we didn’t get to. That’s on me for being aloof in sense, trying not to be creepy, anchor, overstay a welcome & introduction. Again leans into my own self talk.
I am still learning
"I think that is a great start - never beat yourself up for what you didn't do, just focus on the amazing leap of faith you actually did take and give yourself a pat on the back and build on it for next time. I set myself a goal to connect with 7 people that I either wanted to introduce myself to, or reconnect with, knowing it would be a very hectic and noisy setting. Everything else was a delightful bonus | |||
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"I’m taking notes, my confidence is rock bottom "You disguise that well. | |||
"I’m taking notes, my confidence is rock bottom
You disguise that well. "I’m wasted as a care manager, I should have been an actress | |||
"I like this thread but I’m confused why self esteem and introversion are being correlated? Good point. The most insecure person I know is an extrovert, and the most secure an introvert." Exactly that. The only difference is the social modality someone finds investing versus restorative. If anything, introverts tend to perform better socially as they see social contact as invested time, extroverts finding it restorative can be too focused on what they receive rather than give in a social setting. | |||
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"I don't know how I fit with this thread, but it has sparked some resonance I don't lack confidence, I don't have esteem issues (aside from the usual wish I was taller, fitter, younger stuff that slides into the head from time to time) yet I find the idea of attending a group social, completely and utterly terrifying I have put my name down for the MLS twice now and have backed out both times The idea of being in a room with tons of people that I don't know is just the stuff of nightmares for me The butterfly aspect of a social adds to it even moreso Add in the fact I don't drink, being around people that do (in large numbers) and it's just a no, no, no for me I know I would find it overwhelming So, in passing, I applaud all those that face similar anxieties and still go through with the attending "We too don't have any issues regarding confidence, self esteem etc and we have been in the swinging scene for years, attended parties, clubs, holidays, socials and everything in between. Even with all this experience we still get nerves and butterflies when driving to a social or meet of some kind. Its part of the fun, without stress and nerves what a boring life it would be. We walk in, find the host, introduce ourselves and do the hello, were Liz and Paul, nice to meet you, smile. See what the response is, if a blank stare, move on, life's too short. It can also depend on the host. Went to a social and the young lady was so up her own arse she did nothing but talk about herself and her opinions, thought I was going to die of boredom. She didn't seem too happy when another woman didn't agree with her outlook on life and men... She never took the time to introduce anyone, basically a shit host. OP, try not to overthink, go with the flow and try to learn to work a crowd. Just remember lots of people are as nervous as you. Try not to get too personal with your chat, leave out family or occupations etc or where they live. It can make people nervous, instead of where do you live, make it something like have you travelled far. There are lots of strange people knocking around the swinging scene but meeting in person gives you a great advantage. Lots talk, few do. Great you are out and about. You seem an interesting guy, Paul and I would be happy to chat away. Good luck in your journey. Have a great time. | |||
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"You did a great job at MLS. I really liked your outfit. I don't lack confidence so much as I'm just very much an introvert. I have to push myself to go out and do social things, but it's just about getting that energy together and making sure I'll have the right wind down opportunities rather than needing confidence for it. "Thank you. You know I take what you say with authenticity and respect, so thank you, i appreciate it. Energy, I was absolutely knackered post MLS. I have not had a post MLS low, unlike a person I know, who has really felt. It is a real thing. | |||
"Well done matey. I'm certain your next outing will be even more fruitful. Confidence builds confidence "I hope so, I am feeling buoyed and at peace. Thanks you. | |||
"A lady friend sets herself the challenge of speaking to at least 3 people she doesn't know at socials. "I love that. I have intent to moderate my goals, next time but 3 seems like a great lower limit for me. | |||
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