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By *lueLotus OP Woman 28 weeks ago
the wilderness |
Will I ever learn? Do I even want to? Developing feelings just make the sex so much better for me.
Anyone else suffer from this malady? Any tips on how to make it go away yet keep the outstanding sex bit.. Please somebody help! |
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I care deeply about the people I see regularly. But I'm happy with the level of emotion involved.
Why do you want to avoid them?
If developing feelings is your natural response to good sex. And those feelings make casual encounters difficult for you. Maybe the more casual encounters isn't the best thing for you  |
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I try to see the feelings part as integral rather than a side-effect.
I find quite beautiful relationships can form and of course hurt when they rupture.
That's ok though life goes on. Sometimes happiness sometimes sadness. |
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By *lueLotus OP Woman 28 weeks ago
the wilderness |
"I care deeply about the people I see regularly. But I'm happy with the level of emotion involved.
Why do you want to avoid them?
If developing feelings is your natural response to good sex. And those feelings make casual encounters difficult for you. Maybe the more casual encounters isn't the best thing for you "
Thanks  yes I'm finding one off casual encounters very unfulfilling and only go on one if there's agreed potential for a regular fwb situation.
I just had a situation come to a natural end which I knew we'll in advance of (he was moving away) and I thought I had my feelings ring fenced and under control but now that it's happened I see I went too deep again.
There's a term for this, someone mentioned it on forums before but I can't remember it. A term for needing to be in love with someone to have decent sex... If anyone knows it can you tell me so I can find ways to manage it  |
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It's such a double edged sword.
I've accepted that I am always going to develop a level of attachment to someone if I'm seeing them regularly.
It's just how I'm built. I seek out closeness and intimacy and all of the things around sex that, like you said, make the sex so much better for me.
It starts a spiral in my head where the fear kicks in when I acknowledge how I feel and that starts to affect how much I'm enjoying what's happening in the moment.
In the end I've come to the conclusion that I have to face my fear in each individual case.
If its triggering my insecurities I try to work through that rationally by thinking honestly about what I'm afraid of and working towards a realisation that, in the moment, nothing has changed for example.
If I start to worry about things ending I do the same and push myself to acknowledge that it hasn't ended and it's great right now.
And so on. The biggest thing for me is the acceptance that of my own internal contradictions and the inevitable outcomes of the choices I make. I want to be single and non monogamous and I also want to share love and intimacy.
After weighing the balance my decision has been that it's worth it and that even though there may be an inevitable feeling of loss when things do end, I'm still having an experience that's true to my heart and that is always going to be better than working against my own nature.
There's no end to either. I find that each an every time the worries crop up I need to sit down and rationalise my way through the situation. I have found that it becomes easier to work through the quandary and enjoy the moment for what it is. |
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By *lueLotus OP Woman 28 weeks ago
the wilderness |
"It's such a double edged sword.
I've accepted that I am always going to develop a level of attachment to someone if I'm seeing them regularly.
It's just how I'm built. I seek out closeness and intimacy and all of the things around sex that, like you said, make the sex so much better for me.
It starts a spiral in my head where the fear kicks in when I acknowledge how I feel and that starts to affect how much I'm enjoying what's happening in the moment.
In the end I've come to the conclusion that I have to face my fear in each individual case.
If its triggering my insecurities I try to work through that rationally by thinking honestly about what I'm afraid of and working towards a realisation that, in the moment, nothing has changed for example.
If I start to worry about things ending I do the same and push myself to acknowledge that it hasn't ended and it's great right now.
And so on. The biggest thing for me is the acceptance that of my own internal contradictions and the inevitable outcomes of the choices I make. I want to be single and non monogamous and I also want to share love and intimacy.
After weighing the balance my decision has been that it's worth it and that even though there may be an inevitable feeling of loss when things do end, I'm still having an experience that's true to my heart and that is always going to be better than working against my own nature.
There's no end to either. I find that each an every time the worries crop up I need to sit down and rationalise my way through the situation. I have found that it becomes easier to work through the quandary and enjoy the moment for what it is."
This is what I do too. Thanks for articulating it so well.
Reading it through I realised what I'm really worried about now is he's only moved about 20 miles away and could very well contact me again and I will be too weak to say no but I'll have to go through all this again then or else I'll start crying during sex or something. |
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By *lueLotus OP Woman 28 weeks ago
the wilderness |
"Sorry I have no answer but I still have not found a solution for this very same conundrum….and is the reason I’m not currently meeting.
Just joining in to watch the answers if that’s ok?  "
 of course x |
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By *lueLotus OP Woman 28 weeks ago
the wilderness |
"The word you think of OP is demisexual - meaning a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close emotional bond with them.
"
Thanks, but it's a different one.. I feel sexual attraction without emotional bonds and can sometimes enjoy a once off but it's the deeper connections I live for because of the transcendental sex which I experience when truly in love with someone. But I don't want a relationship in the traditional sense either.
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Im the same as Prey I definitely start to care about my more regular and long standing fwbs. But I'm never jealous of the people they also meet. And if it fades away like they sometimes do I'm fine with that too. Only one man has got under my skin and I felt hurt when it ended because he handled it all very badly. I licked my wounds and got on with life. You cant live your life scared of being hurt but you can develop strategies to cope. |
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"Just went down a rabbit hole of paraphilias there and couldn't find it. Thought it started with an N and then thought maybe it's the opposite of necrophilia "
Now I’m curious to find out what the word is. |
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By *lueLotus OP Woman 28 weeks ago
the wilderness |
"Just went down a rabbit hole of paraphilias there and couldn't find it. Thought it started with an N and then thought maybe it's the opposite of necrophilia
Now I’m curious to find out what the word is."
So I figured vitaphilia must be the opposite, this is close and very funny but it's not it
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Vitaphilia |
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By *lueLotus OP Woman 28 weeks ago
the wilderness |
"Im the same as Prey I definitely start to care about my more regular and long standing fwbs. But I'm never jealous of the people they also meet. And if it fades away like they sometimes do I'm fine with that too. Only one man has got under my skin and I felt hurt when it ended because he handled it all very badly. I licked my wounds and got on with life. You cant live your life scared of being hurt but you can develop strategies to cope."
Yes, thank you, current strategy I've just cleaned my room dusted off all the cobwebs from behind my bed and moved all the furniture around. Now I'm watching the tour de France on Netflix instead of romantic stuff |
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I’ve done it. Twice in a row. This last time didn’t hit me as hard as the orevious one because I started detaching myself months beforehand. But it still hurt, yeah.
Took me about 3 minths to recover almost fully. And I go proper sick- the tears, the depression, the anxiety… teenager angst in a 50 year old body, lol.
For me, what works is throwing myself into my work and doing so much stuff I have no time to think about them. Lots of self care too.
I really want to get a new FWB but so scared I’m going to fall in love again- I never learn! 
Feeling for you x |
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By *lueLotus OP Woman 28 weeks ago
the wilderness |
"I’ve done it. Twice in a row. This last time didn’t hit me as hard as the orevious one because I started detaching myself months beforehand. But it still hurt, yeah.
Took me about 3 minths to recover almost fully. And I go proper sick- the tears, the depression, the anxiety… teenager angst in a 50 year old body, lol.
For me, what works is throwing myself into my work and doing so much stuff I have no time to think about them. Lots of self care too.
I really want to get a new FWB but so scared I’m going to fall in love again- I never learn!
Feeling for you x "
Aw thanks, yeah I was fine fir the first 2 weeks but then got sick so been laying around this last week with no energy and daydreaming about the gorgeous fecker haha time to get busy again!
3 months eh?... It's good to have a bit of a timeframe in mind thanks for that. I know it won't be the same as yours but I know it will wear off at least xx |
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By *lueLotus OP Woman 28 weeks ago
the wilderness |
"Yeah, I do. I'm generally not interested in someone unless I've developed feelings. Makes dating and anything even more casual difficult."
Would you say you're demisexual then or do you have sexual attraction before you get to know someone? |
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