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What is the narcissist hoover technique?
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By *hagTonight OP Man 21 weeks ago
From the land of haribos. |
On the other thread I did about narcissists, one replied with the word "hoovering" I didnt know that it was connected to narcissists, did you know that?
Apparently it is and it seems to be about fear or rejection and that a hoovering narcissist uses manipulation to suck you back into a harmful or toxic relationship, they care about the attention you give them more than your feelings.
What is your view about it and have you been exposed to this technique that they can use and how did you deal with it, can you deal with it or do you have to end the relationship with them?  |
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This is a timely thread as I've just cut contact with someone who did this.
I'm not qualified to say whether he's a narcissist or not, or if it was even deliberate behaviour.
He'd blow hot and cold, tell little fibs that he'd later forget and inadvertently reveal, employ the charm offensive (and boy, was he charming!) following up with almost indifference etc. It was very confusing. It felt like he liked me enough to get a boost from my attention, but not enough to commit to a second meet. It transpired that he was RL dating and the charm offensive coincided with the times he had no dates planned.
The fibs were ridiculous little things that I can only assume he thought I needed to hear in order for me to like him, such as "I'm not talking to any other women on fab". I'm ENM so wouldn't care either way! They were what prompted me to block him as it felt very manipulative, as though he was deliberately trying to engineer a situation in which I'd always be an available option, whether or not he wanted to take it.
In short, yes I've experienced this and it's a headfuck. |
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I've been there . Lots of red flags I missed . He was a very manipulative, charming, believable liar and cheat.
Many use triangulation too along with hoovering . To test if your jealous, will do anything to take them back, try to spark your interest with false promises etc.
Before you get trauma bonded by them ditch/block at first signs of lying. I would rather someone hurt me with the truth than a lie.
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"Isn't it that kind of behaviour that, when we are exposed to it helps us define and shore up our boundaries in interpersonal relationships?"
It's very difficult behaviour to live with as a child, when you cannot end it otherwise alter the behaviour. You can't walk away from a parent when you are a minor and they have responsibility for you. It's not character forming. It's just plain distressing. |
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"Isn't it that kind of behaviour that, when we are exposed to it helps us define and shore up our boundaries in interpersonal relationships?
It's very difficult behaviour to live with as a child, when you cannot end it otherwise alter the behaviour. You can't walk away from a parent when you are a minor and they have responsibility for you. It's not character forming. It's just plain distressing. "
You're no longer a child though |
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"Isn't it that kind of behaviour that, when we are exposed to it helps us define and shore up our boundaries in interpersonal relationships?
It's very difficult behaviour to live with as a child, when you cannot end it otherwise alter the behaviour. You can't walk away from a parent when you are a minor and they have responsibility for you. It's not character forming. It's just plain distressing.
You're no longer a child though "
And you wonder why I've cut her off?? It's not very straightforward when she lived with my Grandad up until his death in 2021. The second I wasn't wanting and needing to visit Grandad, she was cut off.
It's not stopping her bombarding me with attempts to contact, though, via the mail and all sorts. My brother still has contact and that's another issue. If I cut my brother off (which I don't want to do), my only remaining blood relatives are a man with dementia and my children.
It's fucking lonely. |
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"Isn't it that kind of behaviour that, when we are exposed to it helps us define and shore up our boundaries in interpersonal relationships?"
Bit like saying that bullying is good because it forms your personality.
In case you didn’t understand, we are talking about abusive behaviour here  |
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"Isn't it that kind of behaviour that, when we are exposed to it helps us define and shore up our boundaries in interpersonal relationships?
It's very difficult behaviour to live with as a child, when you cannot end it otherwise alter the behaviour. You can't walk away from a parent when you are a minor and they have responsibility for you. It's not character forming. It's just plain distressing.
You're no longer a child though "
And to add, the 18yrs of enduring it did its damage!! It doesn't just stop and go away. I fucked off from "home" as quickly as I could, I was 18 in the Nov and out and living on my own by the Feb after. With my young child in tow. |
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"Isn't it that kind of behaviour that, when we are exposed to it helps us define and shore up our boundaries in interpersonal relationships?
Bit like saying that bullying is good because it forms your personality.
In case you didn’t understand, we are talking about abusive behaviour here "
I understand |
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By *eliWoman 21 weeks ago
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"Isn't it that kind of behaviour that, when we are exposed to it helps us define and shore up our boundaries in interpersonal relationships?"
For me? Yes it was. I learnt a lot about what my boundaries are, to not ignore the doubts I have. To recognise patterns of behaviour, to understand they were to be repeated.
I suppose in a way when I stopped discussing my personal life, stopped trusting them, it was a way of protecting myself.
It was abusive, I'm not going to minimise that. They even asked at one point if they're emotionally abusive. Yes.
People respond differently, for me as much as I'd never want to experience that sort of thing again, it did work as you said. |
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Part of the problem is that as a species humans are geared towards being social, we naturally fund it much harder to break a social interaction than to form one, even when the relationship is toxic. It's difficult to beat millions of years of evolution. |
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By *imis3Woman 21 weeks ago
Dublin |
Hoovering, gaslighting, blowing hot and cold are all tactics used by manipulative people to keep you off balance. Ideally you cut contact with these people. In reality that is not always possible due to inexorable intertwined lives, like work colleagues, family or partners in some situations. In these cases you have to develop filters and strategies so as not to react as they want you to react. |
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My view is that stigmatising a mental health diagnosis doesn't help anyone.
Especially, a diagnosis that's no longer applied. The ICD-11 covers the 5 main domains of personality disorder in 6D11.
Some people with personality disorders, in this case it sounds like the dissociality domain people are referring to, are abusive, some aren't and some people are or aren't with no personality disorder.
Emotionally abusive behaviours like hoovering or gaslighting can be discussed and how to set effective boundaries, or identify when our own hyper-vigilance is at play, without stigmatising mental illness.
The causal factors for personality disorders are often linked to adverse childhood experiences, they are persistent and pervasive and not something that people can just get over when they are adults. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man 21 weeks ago
From the land of haribos. |
"This is a timely thread as I've just cut contact with someone who did this.
I'm not qualified to say whether he's a narcissist or not, or if it was even deliberate behaviour.
He'd blow hot and cold, tell little fibs that he'd later forget and inadvertently reveal, employ the charm offensive (and boy, was he charming!) following up with almost indifference etc. It was very confusing. It felt like he liked me enough to get a boost from my attention, but not enough to commit to a second meet. It transpired that he was RL dating and the charm offensive coincided with the times he had no dates planned.
The fibs were ridiculous little things that I can only assume he thought I needed to hear in order for me to like him, such as "I'm not talking to any other women on fab". I'm ENM so wouldn't care either way! They were what prompted me to block him as it felt very manipulative, as though he was deliberately trying to engineer a situation in which I'd always be an available option, whether or not he wanted to take it.
In short, yes I've experienced this and it's a headfuck."
Hi nell. I see, that is good have you cut the contact, yes, they like to do that too. |
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My personal experience of dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder is my relationship with my mum.
I am not creating a stigma in regards to this mental health condition, she is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder as well as paranoid schizophrenia.
I have dealt with her mental health condition since being a little girl. I have mother her, cared for her, protected her and stayed by her side for 43 years, all while I was mentally, emotionally and physically abused.
I cut ties with my mum recently. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The reasoning behind this decision was she was affecting my children in so many ways. I tried just cutting my children our of her life at first but this just simply did not work.
I needed to make the heartbreaking decision to remove her from mine and my children's life.
Since doing so, ive flourished, the hold she had over me was immensely tight. I didn't realise how much her actions were affecting me.
The hoovering effect is one example of so many differing mental health conditions, it doesn't necessarily link to narcissistic behaviour only.
I hope all who have had to deal with this type of illness find strength and courage. It's a heartbreaking illness to deal with
Sarah x |
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By *hagTonight OP Man 21 weeks ago
From the land of haribos. |
"I've experienced this over the past year, I pulled away so many times but always found a way to get me back where he wanted me, using different techniques, couldn't see it at the time. "
Hi giveme, that is good you pulled away from it, yes, they use different techniques too.
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My ex hasn't been diagnosed with anything, but I suspect that if he were assessed he'd be on the spectrum of one of the personality disorders. He managed to hoover me once, but that was it. Ultimately, I was stronger. We still need to communicate over our younger daughter, and he still tries his manipulation, but I have very rigid boundaries now, and I will call him out if he oversteps them. Which usually results in a text back, placing any blame for his actions at my door. |
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My ex made contact out of the blue, just before Christmas, after many months of blocking and ignoring me. But sadly it seems it was just to see if she still had control, once she knew she had, she ghosted me again from the New Year.
I'll never understand how someone can be so uncaring and heartless. |
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"I've experienced this over the past year, I pulled away so many times but always found a way to get me back where he wanted me, using different techniques, couldn't see it at the time. "
The same thing has happened to me. After many, many years and probably just as many ons and affairs I finally got the strength to leave last year.
She got her way back in slowly with love bombing, then started breaking me down again to a shell which made her stronger. Once she had broken down to the point I nearly wasn't here, she left for the guy I'm sure she was sleeping with the whole time we "were trying"
I'm free again but this time it feels so different and such a relief. For the first time in years I'm waking up and looking forward to the day and people instead of feeling caged and isolated.
If anyone is in these types of relationships please start trying to figure an exit plan before it destroys you. It's tough but worth it. |
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