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Sex fail confessions thread.
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I’m sure we’ve all done something daft in the heat of the moment that we thought was going to blow our partner’s mind but ended badly/comically/with a trip to the ER to have something retrieved from an orifice.
Fortunately there is a way to salvage some good from our mistakes, by turning them into a public service announcement that might save others from making the same mistake- and that is sharing them here for others to learn from. At the very least, you might give us all a laugh- or end up as an example in a medical text book!
If you would prefer to save the blushes of the innocent, feel free to mail your story to me and I’ll post them on your behalf! |
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I’ll go first, to prove I’m not immune from stupidity!
In an effort to show my partner (who was going through a patch of bodily insecurity) that I found all of her hot AF, I had the bright idea of kissing and licking her all over, and decided to make a particularly thorough job of it.
Not a single square centimetre of her skin was off limits, and we were both having a great time…until I got to her armpit, but this is not going where you are all expecting. Her armpit was a fragrant delight, just like the rest of her delicious body. Of course, this was because she had freshly applied deodorant in preparation for our encounter, and that shit is extremely efficient at absorbing moisture. My tongue literally turned into the Sahara and the mood was comprehensively ruined while I spent the next 10 minutes trying to wash a substance that is both extremely absorbent and resistant to washing from my mouth.
So yeah- I guess the lesson is ‘only lick smelly pits’, or something?! |
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In my youth(ancient times) I applied delay spray to the tip of my penis as I wanted to impress this new girl I had met.
I didn’t think it through and her tongue went numb which caused drooling and the tongue to lol around. She wasn’t impressed |
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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago
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Ones fell flat on my ass / twisted my ankle in stupid size heels trying to act all sexy and wiggling around as a guy sat on the couch before play had even started
Guy left without getting any as I thought I had broke my ankle put a ice pack on it
He did say he come back another time
But never did see him again
Ither I got blocked or he left fab |
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"In my youth(ancient times) I applied delay spray to the tip of my penis as I wanted to impress this new girl I had met.
I didn’t think it through and her tongue went numb which caused drooling and the tongue to lol around. She wasn’t impressed "
So…did it have any effect on her gag-reflex?!  |
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"Ones fell flat on my ass / twisted my ankle in stupid size heels trying to act all sexy and wiggling around as a guy sat on the couch before play had even started
Guy left without getting any as I thought I had broke my ankle put a ice pack on it
He did say he come back another time
But never did see him again
Ither I got blocked or he left fab "
He didn’t deserve any fun anyway, if he wasn’t going to give first aid/sympathy! |
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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago
|
"Ones fell flat on my ass / twisted my ankle in stupid size heels trying to act all sexy and wiggling around as a guy sat on the couch before play had even started
Guy left without getting any as I thought I had broke my ankle put a ice pack on it
He did say he come back another time
But never did see him again
Ither I got blocked or he left fab
He didn’t deserve any fun anyway, if he wasn’t going to give first aid/sympathy!"
Ooo no it was me that asked him to leave he was sticking around but it just totally put me off the moment
He didn’t get up and leave it was more off a fall
Ouch that hurt take these stupid things off ooo god look at that swelling hop to the kitchen grab frozen peas from the freezer and slap them on my ankle
Sat for about 5 minutes and I was like emm yip this isn’t happening best you just go  |
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"Ones fell flat on my ass / twisted my ankle in stupid size heels trying to act all sexy and wiggling around as a guy sat on the couch before play had even started
Guy left without getting any as I thought I had broke my ankle put a ice pack on it
He did say he come back another time
But never did see him again
Ither I got blocked or he left fab
He didn’t deserve any fun anyway, if he wasn’t going to give first aid/sympathy!
Ooo no it was me that asked him to leave he was sticking around but it just totally put me off the moment
He didn’t get up and leave it was more off a fall
Ouch that hurt take these stupid things off ooo god look at that swelling hop to the kitchen grab frozen peas from the freezer and slap them on my ankle
Sat for about 5 minutes and I was like emm yip this isn’t happening best you just go "
Definitely killed the mood then! Have you worn the heels since, or did they get banished to the bottom of the second best wardrobe?! |
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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago
|
"Ones fell flat on my ass / twisted my ankle in stupid size heels trying to act all sexy and wiggling around as a guy sat on the couch before play had even started
Guy left without getting any as I thought I had broke my ankle put a ice pack on it
He did say he come back another time
But never did see him again
Ither I got blocked or he left fab
He didn’t deserve any fun anyway, if he wasn’t going to give first aid/sympathy!
Ooo no it was me that asked him to leave he was sticking around but it just totally put me off the moment
He didn’t get up and leave it was more off a fall
Ouch that hurt take these stupid things off ooo god look at that swelling hop to the kitchen grab frozen peas from the freezer and slap them on my ankle
Sat for about 5 minutes and I was like emm yip this isn’t happening best you just go
Definitely killed the mood then! Have you worn the heels since, or did they get banished to the bottom of the second best wardrobe?!"
Ooo no I worn them sins I can walk in 9 inch heels now I am going back like 7-8 years ago when I really can’t |
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"In my youth(ancient times) I applied delay spray to the tip of my penis as I wanted to impress this new girl I had met.
I didn’t think it through and her tongue went numb which caused drooling and the tongue to lol around. She wasn’t impressed
So…did it have any effect on her gag-reflex?! "
Yes actually it did!
|
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"Ones fell flat on my ass / twisted my ankle in stupid size heels trying to act all sexy and wiggling around as a guy sat on the couch before play had even started
Guy left without getting any as I thought I had broke my ankle put a ice pack on it
He did say he come back another time
But never did see him again
Ither I got blocked or he left fab
He didn’t deserve any fun anyway, if he wasn’t going to give first aid/sympathy!
Ooo no it was me that asked him to leave he was sticking around but it just totally put me off the moment
He didn’t get up and leave it was more off a fall
Ouch that hurt take these stupid things off ooo god look at that swelling hop to the kitchen grab frozen peas from the freezer and slap them on my ankle
Sat for about 5 minutes and I was like emm yip this isn’t happening best you just go
Definitely killed the mood then! Have you worn the heels since, or did they get banished to the bottom of the second best wardrobe?!
Ooo no I worn them sins I can walk in 9 inch heels now I am going back like 7-8 years ago when I really can’t "
Practice makes perfect! |
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"In my youth(ancient times) I applied delay spray to the tip of my penis as I wanted to impress this new girl I had met.
I didn’t think it through and her tongue went numb which caused drooling and the tongue to lol around. She wasn’t impressed
So…did it have any effect on her gag-reflex?!
Yes actually it did!
"
Well, it wasn’t a total fail then!  |
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By (user no longer on site) 32 weeks ago
|
"Ones fell flat on my ass / twisted my ankle in stupid size heels trying to act all sexy and wiggling around as a guy sat on the couch before play had even started
Guy left without getting any as I thought I had broke my ankle put a ice pack on it
He did say he come back another time
But never did see him again
Ither I got blocked or he left fab
He didn’t deserve any fun anyway, if he wasn’t going to give first aid/sympathy!
Ooo no it was me that asked him to leave he was sticking around but it just totally put me off the moment
He didn’t get up and leave it was more off a fall
Ouch that hurt take these stupid things off ooo god look at that swelling hop to the kitchen grab frozen peas from the freezer and slap them on my ankle
Sat for about 5 minutes and I was like emm yip this isn’t happening best you just go
Definitely killed the mood then! Have you worn the heels since, or did they get banished to the bottom of the second best wardrobe?!
Ooo no I worn them sins I can walk in 9 inch heels now I am going back like 7-8 years ago when I really can’t
Practice makes perfect!"
Yip it dose that |
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I had a guy finger me and when I came I clamped my legs shut and dislocated his wrist.
He moaned like a baby.
Said he was going to A&E and would call me.
Guess what? Never heard from him again That's just one of my many disasters |
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"I had a guy finger me and when I came I clamped my legs shut and dislocated his wrist.
He moaned like a baby.
Said he was going to A&E and would call me.
Guess what? Never heard from him again That's just one of my many disasters"
That’s weak on his part-I’d be wearing that as a badge of honour! Imagine being able to boast (to the A&E doc, obviously) “I made a woman come so hard she broke my wrist”. Also kudos to you on the strength of those thighs! |
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"I had a guy finger me and when I came I clamped my legs shut and dislocated his wrist.
He moaned like a baby.
Said he was going to A&E and would call me.
Guess what? Never heard from him again That's just one of my many disasters"
brilliant |
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