FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Consent - dilemma can you help
Consent - dilemma can you help
Jump to: Newest in thread
Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
 |
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
Because permission was granted for one thing it doesn't necessarily mean everything after that is a "free for all" to touch,grab and grope.
Small things like a kiss,touch,cuddle usually happen altogether . Anything more intimate sexually in my mind needs full consent and a conversation before either party goes further.
Just makes it better when you know what permission you have/consent and any boundaries before the sexy stuff happens.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion "
If I invite someone to sit down and have a brew with me, I don’t expect them to come home for dinner.
Does that make sense? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"Because permission was granted for one thing it doesn't necessarily mean everything after that is a "free for all" to touch,grab and grope.
Small things like a kiss,touch,cuddle usually happen altogether . Anything more intimate sexually in my mind needs full consent and a conversation before either party goes further.
Just makes it better when you know what permission you have/consent and any boundaries before the sexy stuff happens. "
I've been grabbed and groped numerous times over the years usually at big socials, and its shocking sometimes the morals of people when they do it with no prior permission to do so.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"Because permission was granted for one thing it doesn't necessarily mean everything after that is a "free for all" to touch,grab and grope.
Small things like a kiss,touch,cuddle usually happen altogether . Anything more intimate sexually in my mind needs full consent and a conversation before either party goes further.
Just makes it better when you know what permission you have/consent and any boundaries before the sexy stuff happens.
I've been grabbed and groped numerous times over the years usually at big socials, and its shocking sometimes the morals of people when they do it with no prior permission to do so. "
this |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"No means no. Perfect I’m in board with that.
If I have to start asking and drawing up written contracts. I’m out.
I like things to feel natural.  "
What do you mean by that? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
"
Simple answer is no. If you consent to one small thing one time it should not be assumed you consent to everything that happens unless you say no. However, if things that you do not consent to are happening, you are in the right to say no. Even if you’ve said yes previously. Consent isn’t a one time and always thing. It can be yes today and no tomorrow. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"No means no. Perfect I’m in board with that.
If I have to start asking and drawing up written contracts. I’m out.
I like things to feel natural. "
This for me too. Never felt the need to ask consent ever, or give it. It just happens naturally. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion "
I think this is a hard topic to comment on? You're going to get the do gooders who expect every step of the way to be commented on but in reality consent is fairly easy! If you don't want someone near you don't give consent to anything if you're interested in sexual exploration then grant consent? It doesn't need to be complicated? As long as you feel safe and are interested in exploring sexually then you would progress the encounter.
At the end of the day consent can be given and you can still say stop or no; it's your responsibility to let the other party know you no longer wish to continue if they continue even after you've said no then you have a problem!
But asking may I touch a boob, may a touch here may I stroke your belly can I eat your pussy can I do xyz seems excessive in real life. However if you say no then that's a clear boundary and it needs to be respected |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion
I think this is a hard topic to comment on? You're going to get the do gooders who expect every step of the way to be commented on but in reality consent is fairly easy! If you don't want someone near you don't give consent to anything if you're interested in sexual exploration then grant consent? It doesn't need to be complicated? As long as you feel safe and are interested in exploring sexually then you would progress the encounter.
At the end of the day consent can be given and you can still say stop or no; it's your responsibility to let the other party know you no longer wish to continue if they continue even after you've said no then you have a problem!
But asking may I touch a boob, may a touch here may I stroke your belly can I eat your pussy can I do xyz seems excessive in real life. However if you say no then that's a clear boundary and it needs to be respected "
Asking is not excessive.
Consent is sexy. And it’s not fair to expect every withdrawal of consent or anyone not willingly consenting to be confident verbalising that. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
Simple answer is no. If you consent to one small thing one time it should not be assumed you consent to everything that happens unless you say no. However, if things that you do not consent to are happening, you are in the right to say no. Even if you’ve said yes previously. Consent isn’t a one time and always thing. It can be yes today and no tomorrow. "
so in a group of people - if you ask someone if you can do something specific , that doesnt allow you to continue to touch everything - no sexual stuff going on, or would you have to say no then because you had consented to a specific request |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion
If I invite someone to sit down and have a brew with me, I don’t expect them to come home for dinner.
Does that make sense? "
yea sorry Fiddles - so over thinking life today  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion
I think this is a hard topic to comment on? You're going to get the do gooders who expect every step of the way to be commented on but in reality consent is fairly easy! If you don't want someone near you don't give consent to anything if you're interested in sexual exploration then grant consent? It doesn't need to be complicated? As long as you feel safe and are interested in exploring sexually then you would progress the encounter.
At the end of the day consent can be given and you can still say stop or no; it's your responsibility to let the other party know you no longer wish to continue if they continue even after you've said no then you have a problem!
But asking may I touch a boob, may a touch here may I stroke your belly can I eat your pussy can I do xyz seems excessive in real life. However if you say no then that's a clear boundary and it needs to be respected
Asking is not excessive.
Consent is sexy. And it’s not fair to expect every withdrawal of consent or anyone not willingly consenting to be confident verbalising that. "
I would find what he’s listed there as excessive definitely. For me anyway. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"No means no. Perfect I’m in board with that.
If I have to start asking and drawing up written contracts. I’m out.
I like things to feel natural.
This for me too. Never felt the need to ask consent ever, or give it. It just happens naturally. "
Somebody moans of pleasure is a good enough answer.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Everything is separate and incremental, with sexual contact and involvement. Each minute component must be discussed and no further elements can be assumed. It will primarily be verbal, subject to accessibility issues which must have alternatives in place. And each incident or potential recurrence, needs additional consent. Some feel that implied consent is sufficient but it is not.
With new partners, or others you are uncertain about, it is best to be explicitly clear about what you consent to, potentially marking its boundaries, for those who may have unproven reliability and trustworthiness. It may be cumbersome but it helps to support you, with very clear control |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion
I think this is a hard topic to comment on? You're going to get the do gooders who expect every step of the way to be commented on but in reality consent is fairly easy! If you don't want someone near you don't give consent to anything if you're interested in sexual exploration then grant consent? It doesn't need to be complicated? As long as you feel safe and are interested in exploring sexually then you would progress the encounter.
At the end of the day consent can be given and you can still say stop or no; it's your responsibility to let the other party know you no longer wish to continue if they continue even after you've said no then you have a problem!
But asking may I touch a boob, may a touch here may I stroke your belly can I eat your pussy can I do xyz seems excessive in real life. However if you say no then that's a clear boundary and it needs to be respected
Asking is not excessive.
Consent is sexy. And it’s not fair to expect every withdrawal of consent or anyone not willingly consenting to be confident verbalising that.
I would find what he’s listed there as excessive definitely. For me anyway. "
asking or being asked things isn’t imo. You don’t have to every time. But there are times when it’s right to ask. ‘Is this ok?’ For example. Or you might ask if you can touch them somewhere. That is part of things happening naturally. Being aware of the other person. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"No means no. Perfect I’m in board with that.
If I have to start asking and drawing up written contracts. I’m out.
I like things to feel natural.
This for me too. Never felt the need to ask consent ever, or give it. It just happens naturally.
Somebody moans of pleasure is a good enough answer. "
 think single one on one situations easy or easier |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
Simple answer is no. If you consent to one small thing one time it should not be assumed you consent to everything that happens unless you say no. However, if things that you do not consent to are happening, you are in the right to say no. Even if you’ve said yes previously. Consent isn’t a one time and always thing. It can be yes today and no tomorrow.
so in a group of people - if you ask someone if you can do something specific , that doesnt allow you to continue to touch everything - no sexual stuff going on, or would you have to say no then because you had consented to a specific request"
In a group of people, if boundaries have not been specified already, yes consent would be only to a specific request and not to continue further. Additionally, if you’ve consented to John touching your bum it doesn’t mean you’re consenting to have your bum touched by the entire group. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *irthandgirthMan 34 weeks ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion "
I think I can see what you are saying. It's tricky to put in words and may partially depend if you are a passive, or active participant (reciprocating) in the situation. In the scenario you described, (assuming there was a build up to consensual stroking of your cleavage) it *could* be assumed that level of intimacy is OK and anything on that level is acceptable to you (touching over clothes etc) but going further (more intimate) would require a verbal or non-verbal cue/affirmation from yourself to continue.
Obviously any refusal or retraction of any consent, licit or not must be heeded. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"
I've been grabbed and groped numerous times over the years usually at big socials, and its shocking sometimes the morals of people when they do it with no prior permission to do so. "
Very relatable. The amount of times we’ve been in clubs and chatting at the bar or in a group and the male half of a couple has touched Mrs A without asking is quite shocking. Last time we visited a club we had it with the female side of a couple. We’d been chatting for a while in the bar area and then said we would all go for a wander around the club together. At this point we made it clear that we don’t interact physically with other couples, but love being watched and fucking in a room full of others. There was an actual clear conversation about it. We then walk around the club with these people, go into the large group room and within 30seconds, the female of the couple comes up behind Mrs A and starts kissing her neck. Not happy. We left immediately, but it ruined our night.
We know that single guys get a bad rep on this site, but we’ve found them to be far more respectful, less insistent and expectant than couples in general.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion
I think I can see what you are saying. It's tricky to put in words and may partially depend if you are a passive, or active participant (reciprocating) in the situation. In the scenario you described, (assuming there was a build up to consensual stroking of your cleavage) it *could* be assumed that level of intimacy is OK and anything on that level is acceptable to you (touching over clothes etc) but going further (more intimate) would require a verbal or non-verbal cue/affirmation from yourself to continue.
Obviously any refusal or retraction of any consent, licit or not must be heeded."
so if i said to Fred, (sorry Fred), wow nice biceps, can i feel - i can keep touching his biceps all night until he says - leave my bloody biceps alone?? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I once consented to entering an hotel room with a woman.
I consented to her touching my face.
I didn't give consent for her to punch me in the face and yet she did.
I consented to her touching or playing with my genitals.
I didn't consent to having her knee driven into my balls and yet it was as part of her unspoken kink.
I've always said that consent involves clear communication and boundaries and in the extreme case I've mentioned there were neither where she was concerned.
At the same time I've never given permission for anyone to grope my arse or fondle me at group socials or even just when I'm going about my job in bars and hotels and yet they have done and told me I should be flattered.
If the roles were reversed I've no doubt I would have been reported.
Unfortunately there are too many people who believe that the principle of consent doesn't apply to them because of their standing in the "community"and the circles they swing in. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *irthandgirthMan 34 weeks ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion
I think I can see what you are saying. It's tricky to put in words and may partially depend if you are a passive, or active participant (reciprocating) in the situation. In the scenario you described, (assuming there was a build up to consensual stroking of your cleavage) it *could* be assumed that level of intimacy is OK and anything on that level is acceptable to you (touching over clothes etc) but going further (more intimate) would require a verbal or non-verbal cue/affirmation from yourself to continue.
Obviously any refusal or retraction of any consent, licit or not must be heeded.
so if i said to Fred, (sorry Fred), wow nice biceps, can i feel - i can keep touching his biceps all night until he says - leave my bloody biceps alone??"
That would be Fred being a passive party, rather than an active participant which may alter the dynamics so I would say possibly not. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I once consented to entering an hotel room with a woman.
I consented to her touching my face.
I didn't give consent for her to punch me in the face and yet she did.
I consented to her touching or playing with my genitals.
I didn't consent to having her knee driven into my balls and yet it was as part of her unspoken kink.
I've always said that consent involves clear communication and boundaries and in the extreme case I've mentioned there were neither where she was concerned.
At the same time I've never given permission for anyone to grope my arse or fondle me at group socials or even just when I'm going about my job in bars and hotels and yet they have done and told me I should be flattered.
If the roles were reversed I've no doubt I would have been reported.
Unfortunately there are too many people who believe that the principle of consent doesn't apply to them because of their standing in the "community"and the circles they swing in. "
that sense of entitlement - you should be flattered - is a bloody cop out really is. Heard it used so many times, or your an attractive person you should expect this kind of attention -  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion
I think I can see what you are saying. It's tricky to put in words and may partially depend if you are a passive, or active participant (reciprocating) in the situation. In the scenario you described, (assuming there was a build up to consensual stroking of your cleavage) it *could* be assumed that level of intimacy is OK and anything on that level is acceptable to you (touching over clothes etc) but going further (more intimate) would require a verbal or non-verbal cue/affirmation from yourself to continue.
Obviously any refusal or retraction of any consent, licit or not must be heeded.
so if i said to Fred, (sorry Fred), wow nice biceps, can i feel - i can keep touching his biceps all night until he says - leave my bloody biceps alone??
That would be Fred being a passive party, rather than an active participant which may alter the dynamics so I would say possibly not."
thanks |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *r TriomanMan 34 weeks ago
Chippenham Malmesbury area |
Firstly, I've not read any of the responses so far, I'm just posting my initial thoughts, which are: if the person giving consent to someone to do something to them/with them, then if there are limits or caveats to that activity, in order to avoid being in a position we're they feel that they've lost control, they should, at the point of giving consent, state what the limits/caveats are. For the person being given consent, if it's open to ambiguity, they should ask about limits or caveats or at least check before going entering into the ambiguous areas of the activity that consented too.
Personally, I'm always checking; ask to touch, get told "yes", if I want to touch a bit more or somewhere else, I ask; it avoids difficult situations for all involved and I also find it a bit sexy. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion "
I’d have thought No.
Sort of the okay given to touch cleavage but that doesn’t mean the rest is for the taking.
Might just be me? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
It comes down to decent behaviour that's as simple as, all you need. This incident gets to me because anywhere it's so easy in this case it sounds like a fab arranged party but anywhere any situation.
I frequented Londons seediest tv sex club, busy, packed sometimes. There's there's a small circular walk around you can do, I did that walk (with breaks) for six hours often more for nearly two years every event never a problem. 250 people attending easy, every fruit in the bowl there, never a problem. Round that circle a full hand on the arse from behind is very often the initial greeting and even when that is the start off it's fucking easy and it's instant even fifty times a day so to get to an arranged party like this and have some fucking dooshy prick put his fucking creepy hands on you I'm mad about it.
Glad this didn't escalate, you did well Giggle. x
*sorry about all the editing.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *TG3Man 34 weeks ago
Dorchester |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion
I think I can see what you are saying. It's tricky to put in words and may partially depend if you are a passive, or active participant (reciprocating) in the situation. In the scenario you described, (assuming there was a build up to consensual stroking of your cleavage) it *could* be assumed that level of intimacy is OK and anything on that level is acceptable to you (touching over clothes etc) but going further (more intimate) would require a verbal or non-verbal cue/affirmation from yourself to continue.
Obviously any refusal or retraction of any consent, licit or not must be heeded.
so if i said to Fred, (sorry Fred), wow nice biceps, can i feel - i can keep touching his biceps all night until he says - leave my bloody biceps alone??"
exactly my biceps are a no go area |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Because permission was granted for one thing it doesn't necessarily mean everything after that is a "free for all" to touch,grab and grope.
Small things like a kiss,touch,cuddle usually happen altogether . Anything more intimate sexually in my mind needs full consent and a conversation before either party goes further.
Just makes it better when you know what permission you have/consent and any boundaries before the sexy stuff happens.
I've been grabbed and groped numerous times over the years usually at big socials, and its shocking sometimes the morals of people when they do it with no prior permission to do so. "
Same I had one creep walking behind me stick his hand up my skirt and grabbed my vag - who the fuck does that.
Some people need the consent message slapping into them.
Or wait for the "it's your fault for wearing a skirt" 
Mrs |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"No means no. Perfect I’m in board with that.
If I have to start asking and drawing up written contracts. I’m out.
I like things to feel natural.
This for me too. Never felt the need to ask consent ever, or give it. It just happens naturally.
Somebody moans of pleasure is a good enough answer.
think single one on one situations easy or easier"
Also with more than just two. All I’m saying is I’d rather just roll with it, no mater how many people in trying to climb on. .. just kick me off.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion
I think I can see what you are saying. It's tricky to put in words and may partially depend if you are a passive, or active participant (reciprocating) in the situation. In the scenario you described, (assuming there was a build up to consensual stroking of your cleavage) it *could* be assumed that level of intimacy is OK and anything on that level is acceptable to you (touching over clothes etc) but going further (more intimate) would require a verbal or non-verbal cue/affirmation from yourself to continue.
Obviously any refusal or retraction of any consent, licit or not must be heeded.
so if i said to Fred, (sorry Fred), wow nice biceps, can i feel - i can keep touching his biceps all night until he says - leave my bloody biceps alone??exactly my biceps are a no go area "
what about the shorts ?? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *TG3Man 34 weeks ago
Dorchester |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion
I think I can see what you are saying. It's tricky to put in words and may partially depend if you are a passive, or active participant (reciprocating) in the situation. In the scenario you described, (assuming there was a build up to consensual stroking of your cleavage) it *could* be assumed that level of intimacy is OK and anything on that level is acceptable to you (touching over clothes etc) but going further (more intimate) would require a verbal or non-verbal cue/affirmation from yourself to continue.
Obviously any refusal or retraction of any consent, licit or not must be heeded.
so if i said to Fred, (sorry Fred), wow nice biceps, can i feel - i can keep touching his biceps all night until he says - leave my bloody biceps alone??exactly my biceps are a no go area
what about the shorts ?? "
omg you called them shorts they are in the drawer i have many pairs of shorts and you can touch them |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ustBoWoman 34 weeks ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
I don't believe consent should be considered to be given just because you say yes to one small thing.
While yes things can happen naturally with someone and it's grand. But it's when someone takes liberties and just think a small yes means yes to everything is where I see the issues.
I met someone from here for a social and we got on well enough and said we would meet again. We walked back to our cars and had a kiss. He then grabbed me and pinned me down and started tearing at my clothes. I managed to get a hand free and got him off me and yelled at him wtf did he think he was doing. His reply was I was on fab so he thought I would be up for it. Those are the times where consent especially matters and just because someone wants to take things farther and rougher etc consent should be given and not taken for granted. Too many don't seem to understand that and it's not gender specific either.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"No means no. Perfect I’m in board with that.
If I have to start asking and drawing up written contracts. I’m out.
I like things to feel natural. "
I've never been in a situation where I've had to ask it, A simple not there or a move of a hand has been enough,
Interestingly I've never been asked to give consent
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I don't believe consent should be considered to be given just because you say yes to one small thing.
While yes things can happen naturally with someone and it's grand. But it's when someone takes liberties and just think a small yes means yes to everything is where I see the issues.
I met someone from here for a social and we got on well enough and said we would meet again. We walked back to our cars and had a kiss. He then grabbed me and pinned me down and started tearing at my clothes. I managed to get a hand free and got him off me and yelled at him wtf did he think he was doing. His reply was I was on fab so he thought I would be up for it. Those are the times where consent especially matters and just because someone wants to take things farther and rougher etc consent should be given and not taken for granted. Too many don't seem to understand that and it's not gender specific either.
"
i hope your ok - that sentence about being on fab - im crying as i am typing this - its not acceptable - males or females, gender is not important - what you are doing to someone else is - xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion "
Nobody in my mind can touch me if no consent is given.
Consent means on everything it be classified as groping |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion "
Probably been said by others on thread but if consent given to do one thing that doesn’t mean consent to everything else  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Reading the OP and seeing these other incidents makes me think I was lucky we had staff at every party event, I got two people kicked out in my time, nothing to do with me but my word was gospel round there school prefect type first to arrive at every time know them all so well. The make-up lady would clock me and have me sit on her money and she'd pop off somewhere like that.
One was just an girl and another girl all I did was answer the hosts question 'what did she say?' I did my deepest most gravelly voice 'got a problem' the host turned away immediately but after told me that they play with her at another party so it was really awkward for her. No doormen needed for that one.
The other one was loads of people gathered round an girl who was getting banged and I was in the other section, walking round I saw what I had down as racist aggressive potentially really bad I was straight up the stairs, there was only one on the door but I just told him and sloped off waited a bit went back and said what happened he said three or four of them showed him the exit.
Without staff if I saw some creepy hand shit going down or aggressive touching or someone uncomfortable I would say something, I know uncomfortable when I see it, if this was at a house in a room I'd be reading it like a dog would pick up on it before even the sight was processed. Like to think.
As I think it through and I bring the number of people down tot a few or just several it does get more worrying. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"No means no. Perfect I’m in board with that.
If I have to start asking and drawing up written contracts. I’m out.
I like things to feel natural.
This for me too. Never felt the need to ask consent ever, or give it. It just happens naturally.
Somebody moans of pleasure is a good enough answer.
think single one on one situations easy or easier
Also with more than just two. All I’m saying is I’d rather just roll with it, no mater how many people in trying to climb on. .. just kick me off. "
I've had my boundaries violated more times than I care to remember. I'm sure all of those men thought that they were just doing what felt "natural" and "rolling with it" too. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"No means no. Perfect I’m in board with that.
If I have to start asking and drawing up written contracts. I’m out.
I like things to feel natural.
This for me too. Never felt the need to ask consent ever, or give it. It just happens naturally.
Somebody moans of pleasure is a good enough answer.
think single one on one situations easy or easier
Also with more than just two. All I’m saying is I’d rather just roll with it, no mater how many people in trying to climb on. .. just kick me off.
I've had my boundaries violated more times than I care to remember. I'm sure all of those men thought that they were just doing what felt "natural" and "rolling with it" too."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ustBoWoman 34 weeks ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
"I don't believe consent should be considered to be given just because you say yes to one small thing.
While yes things can happen naturally with someone and it's grand. But it's when someone takes liberties and just think a small yes means yes to everything is where I see the issues.
I met someone from here for a social and we got on well enough and said we would meet again. We walked back to our cars and had a kiss. He then grabbed me and pinned me down and started tearing at my clothes. I managed to get a hand free and got him off me and yelled at him wtf did he think he was doing. His reply was I was on fab so he thought I would be up for it. Those are the times where consent especially matters and just because someone wants to take things farther and rougher etc consent should be given and not taken for granted. Too many don't seem to understand that and it's not gender specific either.
i hope your ok - that sentence about being on fab - im crying as i am typing this - its not acceptable - males or females, gender is not important - what you are doing to someone else is - xx"
Don't be upset it happened a long time ago and while yes it upset me at the time and I almost left fab I've met amazing people since including one person who makes up for all the crap and is a genuine great friend as well as more.
There will always be assholes unfortunately and it taught me a lesson to never go to my car with someone again and to talk to someone for longer he's the only person I met within 48 hours and I won't make that mistake again . |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion "
Instead of setting 'yes consent', set 'no' limits. Then there's a line not to be crossed rather than an increase in unplanned shenanigans |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I usually tell men the things I'm definitely not down for.
Most things are spoken about as they happen, or you know it's coming so you can say no, please don't do/touch that, but the big stuff, like anal or throat fucking for instance, gets discussed way before bedtime.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Personally I would find it a bit excessive and off putting if someone asked for consent every single step of the way, with every touch. I think it’s important to get verbal consent for any initial physical contact and again when it gets more intimate. Beyond that, I would rather they were tuned in to my body language and check in in a way that feels more natural. I would rather have a sexy and subtle ‘does this feel good?’ ‘do you like that?’ |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Personally I would find it a bit excessive and off putting if someone asked for consent every single step of the way, with every touch. I think it’s important to get verbal consent for any initial physical contact and again when it gets more intimate. Beyond that, I would rather they were tuned in to my body language and check in in a way that feels more natural. I would rather have a sexy and subtle ‘does this feel good?’ ‘do you like that?’ "
I agree about this being excessive and completely unnatural and I would rather not have sex than have to follow a check list.
That isn't me ignoring boundaries or consent. In fact it's the exact opposite because I'm very intuitive and instinctual and by the time I get naked with someone I already known them pretty well.
Equally as important, they know me and are comfortable in my presence and trust my touch without having a conversation about it.
I would go so far as to say that in the years I've been on fab, one of the biggest turn offs that women have discussed is having to give continuous instructions. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Personally I would find it a bit excessive and off putting if someone asked for consent every single step of the way, with every touch. I think it’s important to get verbal consent for any initial physical contact and again when it gets more intimate. Beyond that, I would rather they were tuned in to my body language and check in in a way that feels more natural. I would rather have a sexy and subtle ‘does this feel good?’ ‘do you like that?’
I agree about this being excessive and completely unnatural and I would rather not have sex than have to follow a check list.
That isn't me ignoring boundaries or consent. In fact it's the exact opposite because I'm very intuitive and instinctual and by the time I get naked with someone I already known them pretty well.
Equally as important, they know me and are comfortable in my presence and trust my touch without having a conversation about it.
I would go so far as to say that in the years I've been on fab, one of the biggest turn offs that women have discussed is having to give continuous instructions."
Yep, consent doesn't have to be verbal after all. Excessive questioning would kill any kind of mood for me. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Prior to a scene, I will ask for consent.
.
That sounds easy, but to have got to that point, weeks of planning will have gone in to the scene, and a session plan would have been reviewed and approved by the other party. The plan outlines all activities that will be engaged in during the session.
.
On the day, there will be a pre-flight check (mental/physical health, amongst other things), and at the end there will a final call for consent.
.
I also make it clear consent can be withdrawn at any time, with no fear or repercussion.
.
That's highly organised play where it is critical.
.
It's still no less critical in more spontaneous play. You just need to reframe the consent in the right way.
.
For example, if there has already been an invited and mutually-agreed and enjoyed "intimate" action, simply say something along the lines of, "I enjoyed that and I hope you did too. I realise we might be poised to go further, but your consent for further intimacy is sought, and of course you can withdraw consent at any time. Do you consent for this to continue?"
.
As others have said, checking the consent status every 5 mins can be a mood-killer, so obtain consent before fully diving in, and hand them the power to revoke the consent any moment they feel they wish to. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"No not at all. Consent is fluid. Agreeing to one thing doesn’t mean you agree to everything, PLUS you have the right to change your mind at any time! "
This is why you should fully get to know someone first. Their likes/dislikes. Even if someone is curious about a particular act, it’s doesn’t mean they want to do it |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
thank you for your input into this thread - and i totally agree about consent to every step of the way would kill everything
this was more an enquiry about consent as in when your just stood around talking with a group of 'like minded people' fully clad and nothing mentioned about anything else.
I feel perhaps some of the language used has to be changed, to imply that because your on fab your 'up for it' is not acceptable.
thank you kind people for your well though out reflections and apologies for my probably more angry responses to things today - |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok you lovely people can you help me with something i have been trying to process all day.
Consent - we are a huge consent is give culture and no means no - however, if you consent to a small thing - does that automatically mean that you have consented to everything that happens going forward from that moment until you expressly say no?
Ok the small thing maybe stroking a cleavage that fascinated you. So then any further 'touching' should be acceptable because that one request was granted???
please no majorly negative comments - do the scroll on by thing if you have another opinion "
I hope you are ok? There are always those who push it, think that 'no' means 'keep going' no can't mean no to them
Consent can be given but also withdrawn at any time
I thought we had pre agreed a boundary, but in the moment he ignored the boundary, I told him no, he didn't stop....Police intervention and now the reason I only meet new partners in clubs |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Obviously asking for consent at every step is ideal, but it's also weird.
Open communication is key. I'm a BDSM player so often times I've had a frank with clothes on before any play with my partners.
But saying that my main dynamic is free use, I said yes to him many many moons ago now, and he does what he likes (consensually of course)
Whatever works for you, find it and utilise it. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 34 weeks ago
|
"thank you for your input into this thread - and i totally agree about consent to every step of the way would kill everything
……
I feel perhaps some of the language used has to be changed, to imply that because your on fab your 'up for it' is not acceptable.
….."
Absolutely. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
