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Feeling prioritised
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By (user no longer on site) OP 36 weeks ago
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"How do you make a significant other /lover / fwb feel important or prioritised in your life??
You've literally just reminded me I haven't fed my dog yet  "
 omg poor pooch! |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation. |
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"Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation. "
Pretty much this. I also pay attention to their love languages and try to make sure that I’m showing them love in a way that resonates with them |
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"How do you make a significant other /lover / fwb feel important or prioritised in your life??
You've literally just reminded me I haven't fed my dog yet
Tut tut !
All is now good 
Good to hear x"
No, she's deaf bless her |
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"It depends on what makes them feel loved. No point turning up with a bunch of flowers if they just want to hear how good they are at their job."
Aw yes I agree, everyone has different love languages so depending on what they appreciate would change the answer accordingly  but this thread has reminded me I’ve not been focusing on others so it’s something I need to work on!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 36 weeks ago
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"It depends on what makes them feel loved. No point turning up with a bunch of flowers if they just want to hear how good they are at their job."
Actually that is a very good point |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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"Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation.
Pretty much this. I also pay attention to their love languages and try to make sure that I’m showing them love in a way that resonates with them"
That’s true. Don’t drown your partner with words of affirmation if they want to be loved in a completely different way |
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"Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation. "
Spot on answer there young grasshopper  |
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Mr KC? I notice when he's not okay. I reach out in the way he is okay with. I avoid overloading his senses when he's not okay. I massage the back of his head and his neck and smush my fingers around in his hair.
I show my pride in his achievements and support him in the things he enjoys and wants to do. I champion him whenever I can.
I tell our daughter what an absolutely splendid Dad she has.
Stuff like that.
I'd have to get to know someone else to know where their knobs and whistles are though. |
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"It depends on what makes them feel loved. No point turning up with a bunch of flowers if they just want to hear how good they are at their job.
Aw yes I agree, everyone has different love languages so depending on what they appreciate would change the answer accordingly but this thread has reminded me I’ve not been focusing on others so it’s something I need to work on! "
That’s a point on knowing who you’re talking to |
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By *eliWoman 36 weeks ago
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By learning them. That's the simplest way of explaining it.
I take the time, have the desire to find out what's important to them, what they would like or want from me. What things make them feel important, what they value. Those little things that makes someone smile or laugh in delight.
I think to be loved is to be known. To be seen. For who you are, shown that you are.
So yes, I learn a person like a favourite text pored over in to the early hours of the morning, each page more enjoyable than the last.
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"By learning them. That's the simplest way of explaining it.
I take the time, have the desire to find out what's important to them, what they would like or want from me. What things make them feel important, what they value. Those little things that makes someone smile or laugh in delight.
I think to be loved is to be known. To be seen. For who you are, shown that you are.
So yes, I learn a person like a favourite text pored over in to the early hours of the morning, each page more enjoyable than the last.
"
Ditto^^
This is wonderfully written, Meli |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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"By learning them. That's the simplest way of explaining it.
I take the time, have the desire to find out what's important to them, what they would like or want from me. What things make them feel important, what they value. Those little things that makes someone smile or laugh in delight.
I think to be loved is to be known. To be seen. For who you are, shown that you are.
So yes, I learn a person like a favourite text pored over in to the early hours of the morning, each page more enjoyable than the last.
"
Yeah, what she said, it’s personal |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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"By learning them. That's the simplest way of explaining it.
I take the time, have the desire to find out what's important to them, what they would like or want from me. What things make them feel important, what they value. Those little things that makes someone smile or laugh in delight.
I think to be loved is to be known. To be seen. For who you are, shown that you are.
So yes, I learn a person like a favourite text pored over in to the early hours of the morning, each page more enjoyable than the last.
"
Oh yeah, that too  |
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"Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation. "
Communication and words of affirmation are so damn sexy
MrsAbz |
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"Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation.
Communication and words of affirmation are so damn sexy
MrsAbz"
Exactly this x |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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"How do you make a significant other /lover / fwb feel important or prioritised in your life?? "
I don’t have a plan.
But if she is my significant other, ie, I’m emotionally attached to her, she’d know she was my priority. If she didn’t, I don’t think it’s meant to be, we’d just be friends, and they’d just know they were important without me having to state anything. If that all makes sense.
If Someone means a lot to me, I don’t need big gestures. it’s more of a feeling when they do, do something for me, or talk to me.
What about you midnight. How do you make someone feel special/important to you?
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"
"By learning them. That's the simplest way of explaining it.
I take the time, have the desire to find out what's important to them, what they would like or want from me. What things make them feel important, what they value. Those little things that makes someone smile or laugh in delight.
I think to be loved is to be known. To be seen. For who you are, shown that you are.
So yes, I learn a person like a favourite text pored over in to the early hours of the morning, each page more enjoyable than the last.
"
That’s a brilliant bit of writing by Meli. It’s worth thinking through what someone says and to take in, what they mean and who they are to you.
"
Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation. "
Communication and words of affirmation are so damn sexy
MrsAbz"
And time and communication are vital too. Not just the basic back and forth that we can settle on doing but communicating with meaning when it’s possible. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 36 weeks ago
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"How do you make a significant other /lover / fwb feel important or prioritised in your life??
I don’t have a plan.
But if she is my significant other, ie, I’m emotionally attached to her, she’d know she was my priority. If she didn’t, I don’t think it’s meant to be, we’d just be friends, and they’d just know they were important without me having to state anything. If that all makes sense.
If Someone means a lot to me, I don’t need big gestures. it’s more of a feeling when they do, do something for me, or talk to me.
What about you midnight. How do you make someone feel special/important to you?
"
Hmm...i try to ensure they know they are important to me, I'll send them something funny to let them know I'm thinking of them and make time for them in my schedule. I don't think I'm great at it - my mum would say I'm shit at prioritising her! |
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I ask them to critique their emotions through the lens of the culture they have grown up in, the cultural norms they have since adopted, mix it in with economic materialist rationales, and then see what they come up with as a way forward for all humans to feel less vulnerable, more connected, and with greater care for their total environment - ALL humans being important here.
I'd make sure they critiqued 20th Century psychoanalysis/psychology and how most of its outputs support neoliberal ideologies, including lean-in feminism, and discuss the possibilities posthumanism offers beyond current cultural performatives for managing, and being present with, emotional needs and sadness.
I'd strongly advise them to read Marge Piercy's "Woman At The Edge Of Time". It's a 1970s feminist classic, and a great example of a woman in huge emotional and psychological distress, but having to break her own belief systems in order to get beyond her own limiting performatives, and the performatives of the existing culture and power structures surrounding her.
Add some Simone de Beauvoir - "The Sexond Sex" in particular.
Then I ask what they will do to turn any new insights into praxis.
Sometimes, if I have time, I'll just talk shit with them until they feel a bit better.
I talk shit quite well.
If I don't have time, then they won't be my priority other than a genuine emergency situation.
But if they work out what all the shit before that last sentence actually means, they'll also have worked out they don't need to feel like anyone's priority, other than a genuine emergency and crisis which happens on a very few occasions in a lifetime. And they are a real and genuine call for others to help.
If those crises happen more than that, the trauma underlying them is not one that attention or priority narratives can address, other than unhealthy dependencies. Which are quite common in humans.
If psychological distress is that present, it can't be assuaged with lovers/fwbs etc other than unhealthy co-dependency.
But if the needs are too deep and too present, it's not an fwb/lover axis that will help them.
We like to think it is.
But we are raised on Disney and fairy tales rather than critiques of power, so it's natural to think and want emotional distress to be an easier narrative to resolve than it actually is.
Sometimes, I just smile and make a knob-joke x. |
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^^^^^ probably reading that Robo would make the feel better, .
The thought, the time to write it ... that or derail it completely.
As to the question raised, ive no idea ive not been important to another person for a decade |
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"^^^^^ probably reading that Robo would make the feel better, .
The thought, the time to write it ... that or derail it completely.
As to the question raised, ive no idea ive not been important to another person for a decade"
Exactly.
Wanna sniff my cheesy knob Giggles?
 x |
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"^^^^^ probably reading that Robo would make the feel better, .
The thought, the time to write it ... that or derail it completely.
As to the question raised, ive no idea ive not been important to another person for a decade
Exactly.
Wanna sniff my cheesy knob Giggles?
x"
Only if its cheddar, cant stand that blue vein stuff |
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By *TG3Man 36 weeks ago
Dorchester |
"I ask them to critique their emotions through the lens of the culture they have grown up in, the cultural norms they have since adopted, mix it in with economic materialist rationales, and then see what they come up with as a way forward for all humans to feel less vulnerable, more connected, and with greater care for their total environment - ALL humans being important here.
I'd make sure they critiqued 20th Century psychoanalysis/psychology and how most of its outputs support neoliberal ideologies, including lean-in feminism, and discuss the possibilities posthumanism offers beyond current cultural performatives for managing, and being present with, emotional needs and sadness.
I'd strongly advise them to read Marge Piercy's "Woman At The Edge Of Time". It's a 1970s feminist classic, and a great example of a woman in huge emotional and psychological distress, but having to break her own belief systems in order to get beyond her own limiting performatives, and the performatives of the existing culture and power structures surrounding her.
Add some Simone de Beauvoir - "The Sexond Sex" in particular.
Then I ask what they will do to turn any new insights into praxis.
Sometimes, if I have time, I'll just talk shit with them until they feel a bit better.
I talk shit quite well.
If I don't have time, then they won't be my priority other than a genuine emergency situation.
But if they work out what all the shit before that last sentence actually means, they'll also have worked out they don't need to feel like anyone's priority, other than a genuine emergency and crisis which happens on a very few occasions in a lifetime. And they are a real and genuine call for others to help.
If those crises happen more than that, the trauma underlying them is not one that attention or priority narratives can address, other than unhealthy dependencies. Which are quite common in humans.
If psychological distress is that present, it can't be assuaged with lovers/fwbs etc other than unhealthy co-dependency.
But if the needs are too deep and too present, it's not an fwb/lover axis that will help them.
We like to think it is.
But we are raised on Disney and fairy tales rather than critiques of power, so it's natural to think and want emotional distress to be an easier narrative to resolve than it actually is.
Sometimes, I just smile and make a knob-joke x."
this |
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"^^^^^ probably reading that Robo would make the feel better, .
The thought, the time to write it ... that or derail it completely.
As to the question raised, ive no idea ive not been important to another person for a decade
Exactly.
Wanna sniff my cheesy knob Giggles?
x
Only if its cheddar, cant stand that blue vein stuff "
It's a cheddar called "Sussex Exclusion Zone".
Ever heard of it? x |
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"^^^^^ probably reading that Robo would make the feel better, .
The thought, the time to write it ... that or derail it completely.
As to the question raised, ive no idea ive not been important to another person for a decade
Exactly.
Wanna sniff my cheesy knob Giggles?
x
Only if its cheddar, cant stand that blue vein stuff
It's a cheddar called "Sussex Exclusion Zone".
Ever heard of it? x"
Is it related to St Leonards exclusion zone ...
Does that mean i gotta work out where Sussex is now? You do know Coventry is in the middle  |
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"^^^^^ probably reading that Robo would make the feel better, .
The thought, the time to write it ... that or derail it completely.
As to the question raised, ive no idea ive not been important to another person for a decade
Exactly.
Wanna sniff my cheesy knob Giggles?
x
Only if its cheddar, cant stand that blue vein stuff
It's a cheddar called "Sussex Exclusion Zone".
Ever heard of it? x
Is it related to St Leonards exclusion zone ...
Does that mean i gotta work out where Sussex is now? You do know Coventry is in the middle "
Strangely, when I am doing the sex thing, I often have maps appear in my mind. Full colour. I am aware of this place called Coventry of which you speak. Didn't Lady Godiva get her whaps out there too? xx |
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I think giving them support when needed but autonomy with it.
For example if a lady has gone to lots of trouble and cooked me a lovely meal, I will let her know how lovely and tasty it was without mentioning my allergies.
Then I’d let her do all the washing up as I wouldn’t want her to feel I was taking over.
Whaaat?  |
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"^^^^^ probably reading that Robo would make the feel better, .
The thought, the time to write it ... that or derail it completely.
As to the question raised, ive no idea ive not been important to another person for a decade
Exactly.
Wanna sniff my cheesy knob Giggles?
x
Only if its cheddar, cant stand that blue vein stuff
It's a cheddar called "Sussex Exclusion Zone".
Ever heard of it? x
Is it related to St Leonards exclusion zone ...
Does that mean i gotta work out where Sussex is now? You do know Coventry is in the middle
Strangely, when I am doing the sex thing, I often have maps appear in my mind. Full colour. I am aware of this place called Coventry of which you speak. Didn't Lady Godiva get her whaps out there too? xx"
Tit's out on a horse  could make a day of it ... but peeping coukd send you blind!
You doing a 'sex thing' wouldn't that send you blind?
I might just forward you a prescription for the cheese! |
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"By learning them. That's the simplest way of explaining it.
I take the time, have the desire to find out what's important to them, what they would like or want from me. What things make them feel important, what they value. Those little things that makes someone smile or laugh in delight.
I think to be loved is to be known. To be seen. For who you are, shown that you are.
So yes, I learn a person like a favourite text pored over in to the early hours of the morning, each page more enjoyable than the last.
That’s a brilliant bit of writing by Meli. It’s worth thinking through what someone says and to take in, what they mean and who they are to you.
Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation. "
Communication and words of affirmation are so damn sexy
MrsAbz
And time and communication are vital too. Not just the basic back and forth that we can settle on doing but communicating with meaning when it’s possible."
I think that the phrase ‘communicate with meaning’ is a good one. Obviously the meaning of that can vary depending upon the person |
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"
"By learning them. That's the simplest way of explaining it.
I take the time, have the desire to find out what's important to them, what they would like or want from me. What things make them feel important, what they value. Those little things that makes someone smile or laugh in delight.
I think to be loved is to be known. To be seen. For who you are, shown that you are.
So yes, I learn a person like a favourite text pored over in to the early hours of the morning, each page more enjoyable than the last.
That’s a brilliant bit of writing by Meli. It’s worth thinking through what someone says and to take in, what they mean and who they are to you.
Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation. "
Communication and words of affirmation are so damn sexy
MrsAbz
And time and communication are vital too. Not just the basic back and forth that we can settle on doing but communicating with meaning when it’s possible.
I think that the phrase ‘communicate with meaning’ is a good one. Obviously the meaning of that can vary depending upon the person "
It doesn’t have to be much but right for between the two instead of generic or expected |
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I listen to them and welcome open conversation about our needs and desires.
I have this outrageous theory that in order to feel prioritised or loved, first you need to feel understood and that's kind of hard to achieve without being open with each other.
Then of course the actions need to be consistent with the words.
And then the real test is if I am being true to myself in that dynamic. Is it a shared mutual desire or is it reciprocity?
I mean what's the point in right actions and words, if they're not authentic? |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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"Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation.
Spot on answer there young grasshopper "
I’m an old soul  |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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"Make protected time for them. For us to talk. Meet up. To be intimate. Etc.
And spend time with them, away from distractions etc. being present. Communicating well. Communicating my feelings. Words of affirmation.
Communication and words of affirmation are so damn sexy
MrsAbz"
If you think that’s sexy you should meet me fr  |
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