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Forgiveness and apologies
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By *ea monkey OP Man 26 weeks ago
Manchester (he/him) |
I’m a little curious about this subject, how do people feel about being asked for forgiveness or being put in a position where acceptance of someone’s transgression is expected or encouraged?
Do you easily forgive? What do you need to move on and accept an apology? Should an apology always be accepted? |
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It depends what's been done and how hurt it's made me.
I would expect an apology but that isn't always enough, if someone has done something to hurt you it can take a while to get over that, I can't say I forgive easily nor forget especially big things.
I tend to overthink the why they felt the need to do xx or did they even consider my feelings xx, am I that unimportant to be hurt.... All that goes through my mind, it doesn't disappear with an apology.
Things are never quite the same when someone has hurt you.
You can't smash a plate then say sorry and expect it to be mended.
Mrs |
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Tough one to answer.
I tend to only invite people into my life after quite an intense vetting procedure.
If they don't pass, then they're unlikely to be worth my investment in them anyway.
So....they are rarely the sorts who make stupid mistakes if they get invited in.
If they do, I'm more likely to hear them out and give the benefit of the doubt because of how I've assessed their character a long time beforehand, and everyone's allowed shit days and moments.
But if I've made a mistake over assessing their character originally and they will continue to let me down, or I gauge they are likely to do so, I politely but fully disentangle, wishing them well.
But not on my time. |
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By (user no longer on site) 26 weeks ago
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I'm a really forgiving person and usually accept an apology and move on.
Some things can't always be fixed with an apology however and sometimes you just need to move on knowing that you're making the right decision, for yourself. |
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It would depend on what they've done and how it affected me, plus what my relationship with them was. I don't give many people my total trust.
I can forgive many things, as long as I feel they're genuinely sorry,but when used too often, it loses its meaning I think.
Theres a few things I'd find very hard to forgive, so I'd probably cut contact with that individual.
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In all honesty I’m far more likely to carry a long term grudge and not back down.
That said - it’s fairly hard to hurt me in the first place as it’s not easy to get under my skin in the first place.
Slight wrong doings like cutting me up, walking into me will slide off my back as an inconsequential act. Days are too short too get wound up over the minutes. |
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By (user no longer on site) 26 weeks ago
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Some people think just saying sorry excuses any type of behaviour. It doesn't. If something is done deliberately, and you did it knowing you'd hurt others. Then you can fuck off with your apology tbh.
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Very much situation dependant for me.
In work and business I hold almost no grudges. Unless you've done something seriously egregious then I'll build a bridge and get over it. Likewise I'll happily accept an apology.
Personal life I'm less like that. If someone apologies genuinely then I'm inclined to accept but otherwise its a no. I tend to expect to be treated how I treat others. |
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"Some people think just saying sorry excuses any type of behaviour. It doesn't. If something is done deliberately, and you did it knowing you'd hurt others. Then you can fuck off with your apology tbh.
"
Exactly. Especially when you know in the same situation they would likely do the exact same thing again
Mr |
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Someone asking for forgiveness is a bit icky to me.
If I believe someone has genuine remorse for their actions and is activrly working towards being better, then I'm likely willing to try and work through it with them.
If they say sorry and then crack on as usual, pretty much fuck that  |
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If someone brushes against me in a crowd and says sorry I think no more of it. If someone squeezed my dick or lifts my wallet in a crowd I'm less forgive. My wallet I want back and a little punishment on the side. A squeezed dick, if she is playful I may take her out of the crowd.
There is an old saying
To forgive is human to forget is impossible...or something like that. |
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By *bi HaiveMan 26 weeks ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
Most people and things I can forgive.
Nobody is perfect, people make mistakes and sometimes do things without thinking of the consequences or impact a word or deed can have on someone else. Actions aren't always intentional or deliberate.
The act of seeking forgiveness itself also needs to be considered. If its self initiated then it shows that thought has gone into what has happened and the resulting emotions it has caused. If it's done simply because they want someone to forget something has happened and move on as if it never had, then that's not a genuine request in my mind.
There are exceptions.
Some things I can never forgive, simply because of the way something has been dealt with, the impact it's had on me, the distress it's caused and the resulting life changes that have taken place.
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By *sWyldWoman 26 weeks ago
Edinburgh |
I've spent most of my life forgiving people too easily and accepting less than I should. I no longer do that.
I'm a fairly laid back person but there now comes a point where I choose me and I actually just walk away from people who treat me badly. It's come as a shock to some people |
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By *ea monkey OP Man 26 weeks ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Most people and things I can forgive.
Nobody is perfect, people make mistakes and sometimes do things without thinking of the consequences or impact a word or deed can have on someone else. Actions aren't always intentional or deliberate.
The act of seeking forgiveness itself also needs to be considered. If its self initiated then it shows that thought has gone into what has happened and the resulting emotions it has caused. If it's done simply because they want someone to forget something has happened and move on as if it never had, then that's not a genuine request in my mind.
There are exceptions.
Some things I can never forgive, simply because of the way something has been dealt with, the impact it's had on me, the distress it's caused and the resulting life changes that have taken place.
"
I’m quite similar in that case.
If someone is playing the victim because I ‘won’t accept’ their apology, to me that feels disingenuous and as though they’re playing to an audience rather than expressing genuine regret or an intention to change. That my acceptance isn’t their aim, they just want their guilt alleviated |
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"I’m a little curious about this subject, how do people feel about being asked for forgiveness or being put in a position where acceptance of someone’s transgression is expected or encouraged?
Do you easily forgive? What do you need to move on and accept an apology? Should an apology always be accepted? "
I’ve always struggled with the saying “forgive and forget”. I do forgive, perhaps too easily, giving two and maybe three chances as I think we all make mistakes and that’s fair. I don’t forget though (so maybe I don’t forgive?). If my good nature is abused then I move on without looking back as I feel I’ve given those chances but it’s been abused. Being forgiving shouldn't mean being treated like a doormat either. |
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It’s not a hard and fast thing, I view situations individually but as a general theme, if I am receptive to an apology I will make it known, if I haven’t asked for one it’s unlikely I will accept one. |
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By (user no longer on site) 26 weeks ago
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It’s situational for me.
I don’t feel and have never felt obligated to accept anyone’s apology and tell them so. I know this has caused hurt but, maybe check your behaviour before you hurt me and them offer a flippant apology. I tend to walk away.
I also don’t feel that anyone is obligated to accept my apology. As it can sometimes take time for people to process and deal if they feel hurt and I respect that. |
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I'm not to going to forgive or accept an apology because other people expect it of me. It's none of their business.
Often someone wants you to make them feel better about what they've done wrong rather than it coming from a place of genuine remorse. That's not going to happen either.
When it feels right, it just kind of happens naturally.
J
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im a forgiving person, or rather I cant be bothered to hold grudges, but it depends what they have done and the sincerity of the apology. If it a breach of trust, yea ill take your apology but the relationship will not be the same, time to move on.
if you screw a piece of paper up no matter how hard you try you cannot get all the creases out - you will always see where they have been  |
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It’s easy to say sorry.
Meaning it is another thing.
Not doing that thing in the first place is always better.
Forgiveness is very difficult, especially if you wonder if you’re just accepting something wrong and waiting on the next bad experience with that person. |
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Depends on the circumstances really.
Generally I am a “forgive but not forget” kind of gal.
Unless it is something truly awful, in which case they can shove their forgiveness seeking up their arse. |
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By (user no longer on site) 26 weeks ago
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"An apology is only as acceptable as the meaning and sincerity behind it. 
Absolutely this. I’ve been around enough liars to know that just saying something doesn’t make it true."
That’s right. And I stand by it. I’ve had to apologise in the past, and there’s a difference to not giving a shit and someone who actually knows how or why they did something to say sorry for.
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By *eliWoman 26 weeks ago
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I'm quite a soft touch and forgive quite easily. Far more times than my friends and loved ones tell me I should.
I suppose for me I think 'well, in a few years I won't remember this and I don't want it to become a Big Thing and spoil my memories of another. Affect them more than it has to'.
I've been put in a position before where I wasn't ready to forgive but it felt like I had to. There was pressure to. And I tried to but the more I found out, the more I realised that I wasn't in a position to offer forgiveness any time soon.
From an apology? For the behaviour to change. For an effort to be made. Look, we all fuck up from time to time. I'm incredibly far from perfect and know I do. I try and hold space for people to be the imperfectly flawed beings they are. I think if people have accountability and action, that's a good enough apology for me.
That being said, there are some things I won't forgive. When behaviour doesn't change. When they've acted out anger in an unreasonable manner and involved others. I won't keep waffling.  |
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I'm not often asked for forgiveness, if I'm going to forgive 9/10 times I don't need to be asked. I hate being put in the position of I'm expected or encouraged to accept other people's wrong doing. I prefer to make my own decision based on how it's affected me. If someone tells me "oh that's just how they are, you need to accept it" I'll be even less likely to accept.
I forgive easily most of the time and I will always accept an apology, that doesn't mean I forgive the action being apologised for.
I can easily move on without forgiving and have done a couple of times. I don't believe forgiveness is always possible or necessary |
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"I’m a little curious about this subject, how do people feel about being asked for forgiveness or being put in a position where acceptance of someone’s transgression is expected or encouraged?
Do you easily forgive? What do you need to move on and accept an apology? Should an apology always be accepted? "
It’s different to making amends! Personally I think you can apologise , properly &! Honestly if you are a decent person, but you cannot ask people for forgiveness , it’s in them to forgive. I guess you can say things like ‘I hope in tune you can….’
I forgive very easily, I don’t need baggage weighing me down. But it’s east for me, my need for security is super low , so thinks that upset others don’t upset me |
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I jusr need to belive it’s genuine. If they are truly sorry and have learned/changed, that’s a great result. I’ll forgive and likely they get another chance. But if it’s reluctant or they don't truly believe they are sorry , and it’s very easy to tell , I’ll forgive still , I’m choosing not to hold onto baggage, but I’ll break all ties |
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I'd hear them out and endeavour to take responsibility for my part in the rupture.
Although if it's expected that's usually the wrong approach to take with me.
You asked how people would feel, I appreciate I stated how I would behave. I don't think I could state clearly how I would feel coherently - it is too situational and nuanced.
If the other person reciprocates and owns their part too then that's usually a positive feeling and outcome - in my experience. |
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I am generally not interested in apologies. What is done is done and words are easy to say. What I am more interested in seeing is that apology is real by the person in question _actually_ changing the behaviour that caused the issue in the first place.
Show me your apology by your future actions - I am not interested in your words. |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself. "
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it. |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it."
He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself......... Thomas Fuller |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it."
The word 'forgive' is cheapened as much as the word 'sorry'...... they've become thoughtless utterances , automatic and meaningless |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
The word 'forgive' is cheapened as much as the word 'sorry'...... they've become thoughtless utterances , automatic and meaningless"
Also similarly meaningless in many occasions as the word LOVE  |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself......... Thomas Fuller"
I like that, very true
(Even if the context is about getting to heaven ) |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
The word 'forgive' is cheapened as much as the word 'sorry'...... they've become thoughtless utterances , automatic and meaningless
Also similarly meaningless in many occasions as the word LOVE "
Is right ....... |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it."
Its yourself you hurt hanging onto bad stuff .. the other person has often said what they think us right, or not and gone!
Best to just let go .. i often say not on my radar so im not bothered |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
The word 'forgive' is cheapened as much as the word 'sorry'...... they've become thoughtless utterances , automatic and meaningless"
Totally agree with this ... its become a throwaway word x |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
Its yourself you hurt hanging onto bad stuff .. the other person has often said what they think us right, or not and gone!
Best to just let go .. i often say not on my radar so im not bothered "
I can let go without forgiving. Some things are unforgivable. |
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By *eliWoman 26 weeks ago
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
Its yourself you hurt hanging onto bad stuff .. the other person has often said what they think us right, or not and gone!
Best to just let go .. i often say not on my radar so im not bothered
I can let go without forgiving. Some things are unforgivable. "
Yes! Agreed fully Nice. It doesn't mean that you're somehow holding on, it doesn't have to mean that there's anything wrong with you. You don't have to forgive. You can let go, accept it's happened. Come to terms with it. But why should I cheapen forgiveness when it's demanded of me, behaviour doesn't change etc? It's a silly notion. |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
Its yourself you hurt hanging onto bad stuff .. the other person has often said what they think us right, or not and gone!
Best to just let go .. i often say not on my radar so im not bothered
I can let go without forgiving. Some things are unforgivable.
Yes! Agreed fully Nice. It doesn't mean that you're somehow holding on, it doesn't have to mean that there's anything wrong with you. You don't have to forgive. You can let go, accept it's happened. Come to terms with it. But why should I cheapen forgiveness when it's demanded of me, behaviour doesn't change etc? It's a silly notion."
I just listened to a very powerful account from a young woman whose mother was shot while sitting next to her in the car, by her partner. She was 14. She's chosen to live a good life but I doubt she'll forgive and I wouldn't insult her by suggesting that she does. |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
Its yourself you hurt hanging onto bad stuff .. the other person has often said what they think us right, or not and gone!
Best to just let go .. i often say not on my radar so im not bothered
I can let go without forgiving. Some things are unforgivable. "
What does that mean ? Still wanting vengeance ? Hating ? Resenting ? Genuinely interested what it means to let go and not forgive.
I would guess - I think it means forgiveness without mercy |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
Its yourself you hurt hanging onto bad stuff .. the other person has often said what they think us right, or not and gone!
Best to just let go .. i often say not on my radar so im not bothered
I can let go without forgiving. Some things are unforgivable.
Yes! Agreed fully Nice. It doesn't mean that you're somehow holding on, it doesn't have to mean that there's anything wrong with you. You don't have to forgive. You can let go, accept it's happened. Come to terms with it. But why should I cheapen forgiveness when it's demanded of me, behaviour doesn't change etc? It's a silly notion.
I just listened to a very powerful account from a young woman whose mother was shot while sitting next to her in the car, by her partner. She was 14. She's chosen to live a good life but I doubt she'll forgive and I wouldn't insult her by suggesting that she does. "
No one can suggest anyone should forgive it’s personal to them. Many people do though choosing to forgive killers of their own children even. Why do you think they would do that ? |
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
Its yourself you hurt hanging onto bad stuff .. the other person has often said what they think us right, or not and gone!
Best to just let go .. i often say not on my radar so im not bothered
I can let go without forgiving. Some things are unforgivable.
What does that mean ? Still wanting vengeance ? Hating ? Resenting ? Genuinely interested what it means to let go and not forgive.
I would guess - I think it means forgiveness without mercy "
No it means that the person's actions have no further impact on me or my life. I haven't the time or inclination to hate or resent anyone and vengeance is too much effort. I'm simply indifferent.
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"The only person you can forgive is yourself.
In my experience some people understand the power of it and some don’t & it can take decades of work for some to get it and then what a transformation. And sadly many die never really understanding it.
Its yourself you hurt hanging onto bad stuff .. the other person has often said what they think us right, or not and gone!
Best to just let go .. i often say not on my radar so im not bothered
I can let go without forgiving. Some things are unforgivable.
Yes! Agreed fully Nice. It doesn't mean that you're somehow holding on, it doesn't have to mean that there's anything wrong with you. You don't have to forgive. You can let go, accept it's happened. Come to terms with it. But why should I cheapen forgiveness when it's demanded of me, behaviour doesn't change etc? It's a silly notion.
I just listened to a very powerful account from a young woman whose mother was shot while sitting next to her in the car, by her partner. She was 14. She's chosen to live a good life but I doubt she'll forgive and I wouldn't insult her by suggesting that she does.
No one can suggest anyone should forgive it’s personal to them. Many people do though choosing to forgive killers of their own children even. Why do you think they would do that ? "
The op mentioned being asked to forgive.
Why do I think people would forgive those who killed their children? Probably because they need to do that to achieve peace. Or they're better people than me. Who knows. |
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I think asking for forgiveness is a pretty selfish act. You've clearly realised you've done someone wrong and you've hurt them. And then you decide that you need their forgiveness? Not taking into consideration on where they are in their healing process. To me at least, they're asking to clear their conscience and have a clear disregard to the feelings of the person they've hurt. |
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By *edeWoman 26 weeks ago
the abyss |
"I think asking for forgiveness is a pretty selfish act. You've clearly realised you've done someone wrong and you've hurt them. And then you decide that you need their forgiveness? Not taking into consideration on where they are in their healing process. To me at least, they're asking to clear their conscience and have a clear disregard to the feelings of the person they've hurt. "
Perfectly put! Giving a genuine apology and then being 'forgiven' is very different from requesting to be forgiven because you want to be |
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