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Dom not needed, a Therapist is!
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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I have a friend who’s recently expressed a need to find a Dom and become a submissive, however based upon how she’s interacted with people it appears she’s not actually ready to become a ‘submissive’ but rather she needs therapy first to deal with past traumas before she can give her whole self to that person.
Should I be blunt and let me know that? Or leave it and let her go through her own journey of self realisation and be supportive until she figures it out herself ? |
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If you know she needs help but go down a route of master/sub play when she is not on a level mindset then it isn't fair. It's the same as d*unk/sober sex or shagging when someone needs a shoulder to cry on type of thing, it's just a bit off. Tell her get whatever help it is she needs. |
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Not sure about the therapist angle, but someone who is dealing with baggage from a bad past should give it SERIOUS thought before jumping into something they think they need.
You see documentaries on TV where an individual enters a particular scene (ones featured included threesomes, dogging, BDSM) and the person in question does a complete 180 upon exposure, realising it wasn't want they wanted after all, best left to fantasy in these cases. Sometimes, they emerge a little more scarred than they went in.
If you wanted a rather flippant example, then it's like the character on the TV show Little Britain, who is obsessed with collecting all things frog-related, but freaks out when finally confronted with the real thing.
It's more a case of considering all things before diving headlong into it. Flirting with the scene first is always best before taking the plunge. Trust me:
half-arsed advice and reiterating the bleeding obvious is my specialty.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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She has a therapist already about everything in the past! But recently wants a Dom….however there’s a cross over between things she’s dealing with with the therapist and things she WANTS to experience as a submissive that Shen’s not ready for |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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I agree…
"If you know she needs help but go down a route of master/sub play when she is not on a level mindset then it isn't fair. It's the same as d*unk/sober sex or shagging when someone needs a shoulder to cry on type of thing, it's just a bit off. Tell her get whatever help it is she needs. "
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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She already had a therapist! Currently is dealing with things but seeking things without fully healing from her past nor is willing to disclosing to her therapist that she wants to embark on this!
"Are you qualified to give someone medical advice?
"
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By (user no longer on site) 41 weeks ago
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"She has a therapist already about everything in the past! But recently wants a Dom….however there’s a cross over between things she’s dealing with with the therapist and things she WANTS to experience as a submissive that Shen’s not ready for"
If you’re not a psychologist then you don’t really know what you’re talking about or advising.
The person who knows best would be the woman in question (Assuming she’s not insane or suffering any mental illness).
There’s a proven issue that in present day too many people think they understand psychology and mental health, when in fact they don’t. That in turn leads to them diagnosing friends and acquaintances with conditions they don’t have, and advising them on things that may be unwarranted. This often amplifies issues or creates problems where there are none.
If you’re concerned about her then sure ask if she’s ok. But it’s not your place to start using phrases like “trauma” and “you need therapy” and “you’re not ready”… that’s for her and an expert to decide |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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Completely agree even with your Little Britain example, best to understand the scene and learn more first than dive head first into something half heartedly
"Not sure about the therapist angle, but someone who is dealing with baggage from a bad past should give it SERIOUS thought before jumping into something they think they need.
You see documentaries on TV where an individual enters a particular scene (ones featured included threesomes, dogging, BDSM) and the person in question does a complete 180 upon exposure, realising it wasn't want they wanted after all, best left to fantasy in these cases. Sometimes, they emerge a little more scarred than they went in.
If you wanted a rather flippant example, then it's like the character on the TV show Little Britain, who is obsessed with collecting all things frog-related, but freaks out when finally confronted with the real thing.
It's more a case of considering all things before diving headlong into it. Flirting with the scene first is always best before taking the plunge. Trust me:
half-arsed advice and reiterating the bleeding obvious is my specialty. "
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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Just so I understand you correctly, if you have a ‘FRIEND’ who is currently going to an expert for something they’re dealing with but wants to ‘potentially’ do something that will make it worse! You would just shut the fuck up and let them deal with it?! My only two questions were saying something I.e check with your therapist first or not say something. What part of that is me diagnosing a problem or acting in said capacity as a therapist?! Based on what you’ve just said I’ll say now adays there’s too many people with a phone in their hand who quite frankly can’t read or lack the intelligence to understand what has been written! Dumb it down and think if you had a loved one going through things would you tell them to go to a therapist,doctor, professional before making a decision, YES OR NO?
"She has a therapist already about everything in the past! But recently wants a Dom….however there’s a cross over between things she’s dealing with with the therapist and things she WANTS to experience as a submissive that Shen’s not ready for
If you’re not a psychologist then you don’t really know what you’re talking about or advising.
The person who knows best would be the woman in question (Assuming she’s not insane or suffering any mental illness).
There’s a proven issue that in present day too many people think they understand psychology and mental health, when in fact they don’t. That in turn leads to them diagnosing friends and acquaintances with conditions they don’t have, and advising them on things that may be unwarranted. This often amplifies issues or creates problems where there are none.
If you’re concerned about her then sure ask if she’s ok. But it’s not your place to start using phrases like “trauma” and “you need therapy” and “you’re not ready”… that’s for her and an expert to decide "
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"Just so I understand you correctly, if you have a ‘FRIEND’ who is currently going to an expert for something they’re dealing with but wants to ‘potentially’ do something that will make it worse! You would just shut the fuck up and let them deal with it?! My only two questions were saying something I.e check with your therapist first or not say something. What part of that is me diagnosing a problem or acting in said capacity as a therapist?! Based on what you’ve just said I’ll say now adays there’s too many people with a phone in their hand who quite frankly can’t read or lack the intelligence to understand what has been written! Dumb it down and think if you had a loved one going through things would you tell them to go to a therapist,doctor, professional before making a decision, YES OR NO? "
No. My friend's sex life is none of my fucking business. |
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By (user no longer on site) 41 weeks ago
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People are self sabotaging or self destructive when they have experiences they have not processed. They project & evade, & thrive in drama, as it's all that they know. I've done the same myself in the past.
My thoughts: therapy, self reflection & breaking the cycle of their own behaviour, boundaries & self worth is what improves that.
It's no coincidence that many into bsdm do so as a way to take control of their sexuality after trauma. Many doms/ dommes don't recognise the care involved from the role of power so that they aren't taking advantage of someone's vulnerability, equally it's everyone's personal responsibility to try to make themselves safe & play safely. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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No. I don’t mix prior friendships with establishing a dynamic as such. I chose my sub wisely and think it should be reciprocated.
Plus, it takes time to earn submission! Not something that can be taken. And unfortunately there are a LOT of dickheads on here pretending they understand what goes into establishing a D/s dynamic hence my concern.
Seems like the general consensus is don’t say a word and let her get to the self realisation of things.
"Is there a possibility of you being said dom by any chance, OP?"
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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I agree, and after care is SUPER IMPORTANT!!!! we have open conversations about our experiences and more so where I’ve heard her mention things I’ve tried to show my concern through what I would do in my experience whilst trying not to be too direct to start a conversation that may or may not be triggering.
I’ll be on the supportive end and just let whatever will be, be and be there if an ear is needed.
"People are self sabotaging or self destructive when they have experiences they have not processed. They project & evade, & thrive in drama, as it's all that they know. I've done the same myself in the past.
My thoughts: therapy, self reflection & breaking the cycle of their own behaviour, boundaries & self worth is what improves that.
It's no coincidence that many into bsdm do so as a way to take control of their sexuality after trauma. Many doms/ dommes don't recognise the care involved from the role of power so that they aren't taking advantage of someone's vulnerability, equally it's everyone's personal responsibility to try to make themselves safe & play safely. "
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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Then you clearly don’t have ANY ‘friends’ who you speak about your kink journey with or anything sexual about at all.
Thanks for that piece of information.
"Just so I understand you correctly, if you have a ‘FRIEND’ who is currently going to an expert for something they’re dealing with but wants to ‘potentially’ do something that will make it worse! You would just shut the fuck up and let them deal with it?! My only two questions were saying something I.e check with your therapist first or not say something. What part of that is me diagnosing a problem or acting in said capacity as a therapist?! Based on what you’ve just said I’ll say now adays there’s too many people with a phone in their hand who quite frankly can’t read or lack the intelligence to understand what has been written! Dumb it down and think if you had a loved one going through things would you tell them to go to a therapist,doctor, professional before making a decision, YES OR NO?
No. My friend's sex life is none of my fucking business."
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"Then you clearly don’t have ANY ‘friends’ who you speak about your kink journey with or anything sexual about at all.
Thanks for that piece of information. Just so I understand you correctly, if you have a ‘FRIEND’ who is currently going to an expert for something they’re dealing with but wants to ‘potentially’ do something that will make it worse! You would just shut the fuck up and let them deal with it?! My only two questions were saying something I.e check with your therapist first or not say something. What part of that is me diagnosing a problem or acting in said capacity as a therapist?! Based on what you’ve just said I’ll say now adays there’s too many people with a phone in their hand who quite frankly can’t read or lack the intelligence to understand what has been written! Dumb it down and think if you had a loved one going through things would you tell them to go to a therapist,doctor, professional before making a decision, YES OR NO?
No. My friend's sex life is none of my fucking business."
That's adorable.
Maybe, just maybe, I think that my friends are adults who can make their own choices, particularly when they've already had professional help.
Naaah. Must be that I'm Billy No Mates, if I don't think that I should stick my nose into my friend's mental health like that  |
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Depends on the kids of relationship you have.
If I was the friend in in this situation, There are definitely some people I would listen to, some that I wouldn’t, some who I would find offensive.
Only you know the time relationship you have & how she will respond.
If you genuinely want to help and have concerns, tell her that and why, see if she
will open up & talk to you about it.
You should never ‘tell’ your friends what to do unless they ask. Even then I’d be very reluctant. |
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By (user no longer on site) 41 weeks ago
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"I have a friend who’s recently expressed a need to find a Dom and become a submissive, however based upon how she’s interacted with people it appears she’s not actually ready to become a ‘submissive’ but rather she needs therapy first to deal with past traumas before she can give her whole self to that person.
Should I be blunt and let me know that? Or leave it and let her go through her own journey of self realisation and be supportive until she figures it out herself ?"
You can share your opinion with her then support her as she makes her own choices or mistakes. |
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"I have a friend who’s recently expressed a need to find a Dom and become a submissive, however based upon how she’s interacted with people it appears she’s not actually ready to become a ‘submissive’ but rather she needs therapy first to deal with past traumas before she can give her whole self to that person.
Should I be blunt and let me know that? Or leave it and let her go through her own journey of self realisation and be supportive until she figures it out herself ?
You can share your opinion with her then support her as she makes her own choices or mistakes."
^^^ this
You could voice your concerns, but if she's having therapy she could be working through this stuff anyway.
Stand back and just be there if needed, she's made her choices for her own reasons. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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Thank you
"I have a friend who’s recently expressed a need to find a Dom and become a submissive, however based upon how she’s interacted with people it appears she’s not actually ready to become a ‘submissive’ but rather she needs therapy first to deal with past traumas before she can give her whole self to that person.
Should I be blunt and let me know that? Or leave it and let her go through her own journey of self realisation and be supportive until she figures it out herself ?
You can share your opinion with her then support her as she makes her own choices or mistakes."
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By (user no longer on site) OP 41 weeks ago
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Thank you and will do
"I have a friend who’s recently expressed a need to find a Dom and become a submissive, however based upon how she’s interacted with people it appears she’s not actually ready to become a ‘submissive’ but rather she needs therapy first to deal with past traumas before she can give her whole self to that person.
Should I be blunt and let me know that? Or leave it and let her go through her own journey of self realisation and be supportive until she figures it out herself ?
You can share your opinion with her then support her as she makes her own choices or mistakes.
^^^ this
You could voice your concerns, but if she's having therapy she could be working through this stuff anyway.
Stand back and just be there if needed, she's made her choices for her own reasons. "
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By (user no longer on site) 41 weeks ago
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Sometimes a dominant is exactly what is needed. My dominant helped me through my past trauma, in a way no therapist ever could have. That being said, that was me. And I am not her.
You have to trust that your friend is an adult and able to make her own choices. Trust her to have thought it through, maybe raise concerns in a friendly way but if she is sure this is the path she wishes to travel. Let her. |
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If I had a friend who I thought was at serious risk of harm of any type, I would be there for them, to explain my concerns and to support them. Otherwise, for other aspects of life, you have to let people find their own way and to learn what they need to |
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By *r_PinkMan 41 weeks ago
london stratford |
"I have a friend who’s recently expressed a need to find a Dom and become a submissive, however based upon how she’s interacted with people it appears she’s not actually ready to become a ‘submissive’ but rather she needs therapy first to deal with past traumas before she can give her whole self to that person.
Should I be blunt and let me know that? Or leave it and let her go through her own journey of self realisation and be supportive until she figures it out herself ?"
If you and her are real friends, Yes, tell her for her own sake/
If she is just an acquaintance, No, as she probably wouldn't listen to you. |
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