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Being upfront about having children to your partner.
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By *hagTonight OP Man 36 weeks ago
From the land of haribos. |
I watched a relationship program and they talked about all things surrounding a relationship and there one in the panel mentioned about how they wished their partner would of been upfront with her whether or not he wanted to have a child in the beginning of their relationship.
She added that she felt like she had wasted the years, even though she loved him, wasted as in losing the time on getting pregnant.
She still wanted to have a child so she felt like she had to end the relationship even though she didnt want to do it, she said that they are now friends, but that it was one of the hardest decisions she had ever had to make.
I think it was partly her mistake too as she could of mentioned it early on too.
The take home message here I feel is to be upfront of what you want in order to see if you both are on the same page
What is your view about it and have you gone through the same kind of thing?  |
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"I watched a relationship program and they talked about all things surrounding a relationship and there one in the panel mentioned about how they wished their partner would of been upfront with her whether or not he wanted to have a child in the beginning of their relationship.
She added that she felt like she had wasted the years, even though she loved him, wasted as in losing the time on getting pregnant.
She still wanted to have a child so she felt like she had to end the relationship even though she didnt want to do it, she said that they are now friends, but that it was one of the hardest decisions she had ever had to make.
I think it was partly her mistake too as she could of mentioned it early on too.
The take home message here I feel is to be upfront of what you want in order to see if you both are on the same page
What is your view about it and have you gone through the same kind of thing? "
Yes, I feel like a wasted a few years living with a partner in my twenties.
He was adamant when we got together that he didn’t want children. Turns out his mind changed very quickly after we got together and he never bothered to tell me.
When it eventually all came out he seemed somewhat surprised that I was leaving rather than having a child with him. |
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I don’t want kids and never have (I’m mid 30s so to be fair time would not be on my side if I did want them) so I’m always upfront about it in a relationship as it’s not exactly something you can compromise on
The lady on the programme has no guarantee she’ll end up with kids (now has to go and find the right person, know them long enough and then hope they can conceive)
So to me it seems like madness to walk away from an otherwise great relationship for a maybe but perhaps that’s because I don’t want them and haven’t ever had that need to be a mum?!
Definitley one to cover sooner rather than later I reckon.
Though then you have to hope you’re not coming across too crazy talking about big things very early on  |
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On the flip side I’m always amazed at the amount of men my age or older who approach me on dating apps who have “want children” ticked on their profile.
Like, it’s statistically unlikely mate. Your sperm is slowing down, and it’s unlikely I’d be able to get pregnant and if I did it would be risky to carry a baby as I get older. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man 36 weeks ago
From the land of haribos. |
"Depends how long the relationship goes on, if they discuss it at the start, one of their opinions may change as they get older. "
Yes, you are right there, it depends how long the relationship goes on and yes, it is easier to talk about it at the start too |
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I don’t get it...
She spent YEARS with him?
It never came up in all those YEARS?
Did she think he’d change in all those YEARS?
She did the right thing. A lot better than going ahead & having children with someone who didn’t want them.
Trust me, I know  |
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By *929Man 36 weeks ago
newcastle |
Think it is best to say up front more so for the person that doesn't ever want any kids.
Thinks can change though In my own experience I never ever wanted kids but it happened anyway and it was the absolute best thing to ever happen to me |
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I had friends where she wanted kids and he didn’t he eventually relented and they had a child, it all went down hill from there unfortunately, he resented the child and eventually the child and the relationship suffered badly, there’s no easy answer to this even if you do discuss it openly |
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"Think it is best to say up front more so for the person that doesn't ever want any kids.
"
But having kids is the choice here.
If someone has made the choice that they want kids, the onus should be on them to make that clear.
If the other person has not made that choice, they are just existing in their default state - which is childless.
It’s like I wouldn’t tell a partner up front that, I don’t know, I don’t really want to emigrate. Because if someone feels strongly about emigrating they should make that clear early on, not the other way round. |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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Definitely something to talk about early on - but those that do, really ought to be clear on how much childcare costs & children cost in today's reality before having them.
I also remember my exes best mate. He dated a woman for 9 years her saying no kids, they broke up because he wanted them. 2 years later they bumped into each other, realised they still loved eachother, she had 2 kids with him to make him happy, while the kids were 1+3, he had an affair & got his mistress pregnant & left her for the mistress. He couldn't understand why she was devastated.
Be seriously careful who you choose to co parent with in life. |
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I never wanted kids... so, that worked out for me 
However, when I started dating etc again I was super clear, very upfront and left no doubt that I would absolutely not have any more. Not ever. An accident would not be tolerated etc
So many men seemed to say "oh, I wouldn't mind having another/a first" and couldn't understand why that became a hard no from me to going any further
I love the ones I have but they are enough
MrsAbz
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By *irthandgirthMan 36 weeks ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
I split from a gf several years ago because of this.
When we got together she said she didn't want kids. Great. I had had a vasectomy years previously.
Fast forward 18 months and she is screaming at me because I won't get a vasectomy reversal and her friends all think I'm a shit because of this.
I flipped it round on her. If she didn't want kids and I tried to *force her* to have an op to carry my child I would be the biggest arsehole in the history of arseholes. |
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"On the flip side I’m always amazed at the amount of men my age or older who approach me on dating apps who have “want children” ticked on their profile.
Like, it’s statistically unlikely mate. Your sperm is slowing down, and it’s unlikely I’d be able to get pregnant and if I did it would be risky to carry a baby as I get older."
For the women, yes. But men obviously can father children at any age, however much it might slow down a bit. My Dad was 47 when I was born and 49 when my brother was born. |
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By *929Man 36 weeks ago
newcastle |
"Think it is best to say up front more so for the person that doesn't ever want any kids.
But having kids is the choice here.
If someone has made the choice that they want kids, the onus should be on them to make that clear.
If the other person has not made that choice, they are just existing in their default state - which is childless.
It’s like I wouldn’t tell a partner up front that, I don’t know, I don’t really want to emigrate. Because if someone feels strongly about emigrating they should make that clear early on, not the other way round."
Fair point I never thought of it like that. |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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"Definitely something to talk about early on - but those that do, really ought to be clear on how much childcare costs & children cost in today's reality before having them.
I also remember my exes best mate. He dated a woman for 9 years her saying no kids, they broke up because he wanted them. 2 years later they bumped into each other, realised they still loved eachother, she had 2 kids with him to make him happy, while the kids were 1+3, he had an affair & got his mistress pregnant & left her for the mistress. He couldn't understand why she was devastated.
Be seriously careful who you choose to co parent with in life. "
People (both men and women) can be so cruel.
Feel so sad for the lady and kids. |
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"Must be sooo hard if you love someone and one does and one doesn’t. 
Yeah. That’s not a good situation to continue with though, the tension eventually would break it "
True. Thankfully never had to make that choice. |
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"On the flip side I’m always amazed at the amount of men my age or older who approach me on dating apps who have “want children” ticked on their profile.
Like, it’s statistically unlikely mate. Your sperm is slowing down, and it’s unlikely I’d be able to get pregnant and if I did it would be risky to carry a baby as I get older.
For the women, yes. But men obviously can father children at any age, however much it might slow down a bit. My Dad was 47 when I was born and 49 when my brother was born. "
This exactly. Just need a sperm count check for mobility / volume and away you go …then there is fertility options to help ensure success.
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Knew someone who had been more than open to her partner about wanting children, they got engaged and married with him understanding a life with her involved kids or at least that's what he said only for him to decide a year into the marriage he didn't want kids. Needless to say they ended up divorced.
When dating, I ask any questions like this outright. I've already had my time wasted enough. |
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"On the flip side I’m always amazed at the amount of men my age or older who approach me on dating apps who have “want children” ticked on their profile.
Like, it’s statistically unlikely mate. Your sperm is slowing down, and it’s unlikely I’d be able to get pregnant and if I did it would be risky to carry a baby as I get older.
For the women, yes. But men obviously can father children at any age, however much it might slow down a bit. My Dad was 47 when I was born and 49 when my brother was born. "
Yea, but when you’re looking for women who are about 40, you must know it’s unlikely to happen. |
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If I was dating now I'd ask all the important questions as soon as I thought it might become serious if not on the second date. When I was young important questions were the last thing on my mind. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man 36 weeks ago
From the land of haribos. |
"Think it is best to say up front more so for the person that doesn't ever want any kids.
Thinks can change though In my own experience I never ever wanted kids but it happened anyway and it was the absolute best thing to ever happen to me "
Yes, it is best to say it early on, that is good that the change was good for you too  |
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By *irthandgirthMan 36 weeks ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
"On the flip side I’m always amazed at the amount of men my age or older who approach me on dating apps who have “want children” ticked on their profile.
Like, it’s statistically unlikely mate. Your sperm is slowing down, and it’s unlikely I’d be able to get pregnant and if I did it would be risky to carry a baby as I get older.
For the women, yes. But men obviously can father children at any age, however much it might slow down a bit. My Dad was 47 when I was born and 49 when my brother was born.
This exactly. Just need a sperm count check for mobility / volume and away you go …then there is fertility options to help ensure success.
"
The ex I mentioned looked into IVF, then had a go at me because I refused to have the sperm medically taken straight from source despite me making it clear I didn't want any more kids and that was why I had a vasectomy.
She tried to tell me that I just 'didn't want any more kids with my ex'..
Noped the fuck out of that one. |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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Within 3 messages of chatting with Pam we'd confirmed neither wanted kids. If you're looking for a relationship it's a complete waste of time chatting if you disagree on this.
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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"Must be sooo hard if you love someone and one does and one doesn’t. "
I'm always amazed it gets this far. How do you fall in love but not be aware prior that their desire doesn't match yours |
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By *irthandgirthMan 36 weeks ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
"Must be sooo hard if you love someone and one does and one doesn’t.
I'm always amazed it gets this far. How do you fall in love but not be aware prior that their desire doesn't match yours "
There is always give and take but that is a complete 180 for one person. |
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Yep it's important to always be upfront about what you do and don't want and don't rely on the other person to change their mind.
If it was that important, surely it would have been discussed during the relationship, at some point.
Maybe it was and she hoped he'd give in so to speak..
I've never wanted children and I've always been totally upfront about that, I knew I'd never change my mind, despite being told I would numerous times.
If I'd met someone who really wanted to have kids, that relationship wouldn't have been for me. |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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"
I've never wanted children and I've always been totally upfront about that, I knew I'd never change my mind, despite being told I would numerous times"
Side note.
How fucking strange is it for people to tell you that you're wrong and one day you will change your mind |
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"
I've never wanted children and I've always been totally upfront about that, I knew I'd never change my mind, despite being told I would numerous times
Side note.
How fucking strange is it for people to tell you that you're wrong and one day you will change your mind"
It's totally rude.
Im past it now, but God forbid that I might know my own mind, even when younger.
I once told a woman who was asking why and saying I'd change my mind, that I couldn't, her face was a picture.
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Whether you want or do not want children is a basic question in dating apps nowadays. I think people should be upfront about it. I recently went on a date with someone who mentioned that she has always wanted a child but her ex lived with her for 3 years saying that he wanted children "at some point" but kept pushing it back. It's important that one has to be honest about it at the beginning. |
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"On the flip side I’m always amazed at the amount of men my age or older who approach me on dating apps who have “want children” ticked on their profile.
Like, it’s statistically unlikely mate. Your sperm is slowing down, and it’s unlikely I’d be able to get pregnant and if I did it would be risky to carry a baby as I get older.
For the women, yes. But men obviously can father children at any age, however much it might slow down a bit. My Dad was 47 when I was born and 49 when my brother was born.
This exactly. Just need a sperm count check for mobility / volume and away you go …then there is fertility options to help ensure success.
"
I do think older parents should think carefully. I am now responsible for the welfare, care and life of man coming up for 85 who has dementia, and also have primary school aged children to look after, a full time job and all the rest. My Dad made zero provision for his old age and it seems to now be all my responsibility. I've just spent the morning dealing with issues arising from his dementia, whilst trying to do the school run, get to work and be at work. It's so stressful that I can't explain it. I wish my Dad hadn't been 47 when I was born. |
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"On the flip side I’m always amazed at the amount of men my age or older who approach me on dating apps who have “want children” ticked on their profile.
Like, it’s statistically unlikely mate. Your sperm is slowing down, and it’s unlikely I’d be able to get pregnant and if I did it would be risky to carry a baby as I get older."
They think it opens the door to dating younger women. Some of them can't have children, but say that anyway! |
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By *irthandgirthMan 36 weeks ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
"On the flip side I’m always amazed at the amount of men my age or older who approach me on dating apps who have “want children” ticked on their profile.
Like, it’s statistically unlikely mate. Your sperm is slowing down, and it’s unlikely I’d be able to get pregnant and if I did it would be risky to carry a baby as I get older.
For the women, yes. But men obviously can father children at any age, however much it might slow down a bit. My Dad was 47 when I was born and 49 when my brother was born.
This exactly. Just need a sperm count check for mobility / volume and away you go …then there is fertility options to help ensure success.
I do think older parents should think carefully. I am now responsible for the welfare, care and life of man coming up for 85 who has dementia, and also have primary school aged children to look after, a full time job and all the rest. My Dad made zero provision for his old age and it seems to now be all my responsibility. I've just spent the morning dealing with issues arising from his dementia, whilst trying to do the school run, get to work and be at work. It's so stressful that I can't explain it. I wish my Dad hadn't been 47 when I was born."
I have the opposite issue. I was the product of a teen holiday romance. My dad was barely 16 when I was born. My mum a year older.
They are still together which is amazing. |
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By *hagTonight OP Man 36 weeks ago
From the land of haribos. |
"I watched a relationship program and they talked about all things surrounding a relationship and there one in the panel mentioned about how they wished their partner would of been upfront with her whether or not he wanted to have a child in the beginning of their relationship.
She added that she felt like she had wasted the years, even though she loved him, wasted as in losing the time on getting pregnant.
She still wanted to have a child so she felt like she had to end the relationship even though she didnt want to do it, she said that they are now friends, but that it was one of the hardest decisions she had ever had to make.
I think it was partly her mistake too as she could of mentioned it early on too.
The take home message here I feel is to be upfront of what you want in order to see if you both are on the same page
What is your view about it and have you gone through the same kind of thing?
Yes, I feel like a wasted a few years living with a partner in my twenties.
He was adamant when we got together that he didn’t want children. Turns out his mind changed very quickly after we got together and he never bothered to tell me.
When it eventually all came out he seemed somewhat surprised that I was leaving rather than having a child with him."
Yes, it is good that he changed his mind but yes, that could also happen as you felt you have wasted few years, so left the relationship too. |
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"Within 3 messages of chatting with Pam we'd confirmed neither wanted kids. If you're looking for a relationship it's a complete waste of time chatting if you disagree on this.
"
Same for me and MrAbz - both of us are very much in agreement on that front.
It isn't something you can compromise on.
MrsAbz |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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As a woman in her mid thirties who already has children and is now sterilised it’s something I always discuss when dating, especially as my preference is younger guys…I feel like it’s really important to be open and honest from the off |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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"
It isn't something you can compromise on.
MrsAbz"
We each had a few deal breakers and we straight up asked them at first point of contact. Zero interest in chatting with her unless she answered correctly and vice versa.
Got to be ruthless otherwise you'll fuck things up down the line for yourself
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"
I do think older parents should think carefully. I am now responsible for the welfare, care and life of man coming up for 85 who has dementia, and also have primary school aged children to look after, a full time job and all the rest. My Dad made zero provision for his old age and it seems to now be all my responsibility. I've just spent the morning dealing with issues arising from his dementia, whilst trying to do the school run, get to work and be at work. It's so stressful that I can't explain it. I wish my Dad hadn't been 47 when I was born."
I am going to say this though. Children do not owe their parents care. I have had this conversation with both of my parents and told them that I will not give up my career or my life to care for them. They must make other arrangements.
If they have not made provisions throughout their entire adult lives then that’s on them. |
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"
I do think older parents should think carefully. I am now responsible for the welfare, care and life of man coming up for 85 who has dementia, and also have primary school aged children to look after, a full time job and all the rest. My Dad made zero provision for his old age and it seems to now be all my responsibility. I've just spent the morning dealing with issues arising from his dementia, whilst trying to do the school run, get to work and be at work. It's so stressful that I can't explain it. I wish my Dad hadn't been 47 when I was born.
I am going to say this though. Children do not owe their parents care. I have had this conversation with both of my parents and told them that I will not give up my career or my life to care for them. They must make other arrangements.
If they have not made provisions throughout their entire adult lives then that’s on them."
My options at present appear to be leave him to die or do my best to look after him. Social services are not interested. My conscience does not allow me to leave him to come to harm, so I look after him. But if he's not coming to harm, social services are even less interested. It's a depressing spiral to be honest. I'm about to go and pay another bill on his behalf, as he can no longer manage his finances, for example. |
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By (user no longer on site) 36 weeks ago
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What I do know is, no matter what promises or conversations you make at the start of a relationship, things can change, so you can’t blame anyone, people just grow in different directions.
Eg, Of course I don’t want kids…..10yrs later…mmmm I’m getting broody, and your partner doesn’t. You know.
…. Or we’ll stay together through thick or thin, or I’d stay with you through the bad times rather than be with someone else through the good times etc….
*bitter? ……
Tough decision, but if someone wants children, they can’t get that time back. Tough.
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We discussed it very early on. Within the 1st year of meeting each other. I wasn't interested and neither was she. So we didn't and that was that. We love our nieces and nephews but holy heck do we like to give them back. To be fair, they are all grown up now anyway, thank goodness. |
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