FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Sometimes it's just not worth making an effort
Sometimes it's just not worth making an effort
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By (user no longer on site) OP 42 weeks ago
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I'm going to summarise something that happened recently... it was not good
We met online, the chat was good, and thee were no expectations beyond meeting, seeing if we want to meet again. We arranged to go to a party. We agreed to met six hours before the party to have time to get to know each other and get comfortable with each other, do some shopping for the party, and get changed. This being London, Victorian time tolerances apply hence six hours.
We were supposed to meet at "around 3:00pm" so of course I am there at 2:45pm wearing a pair of nicely polished shoes, a new pair of chinos, a nice dark peacoat over a jacket over a white shirt. I smell of good niche perfume. I am wearing my best look and smell...
She is not answering my messages until 3:30pm when she tells me that she will be leaving "very soon". At 4:30 I get a message that she is on the bus (takes 40 min) instead of the Tube (takes 15 min). At 5:30pm I finally see her and ... she has wet hair, nails not done, I will spare the description of her clothing. Fine. We are going to a party, she is simply wearing comfortable clothes. No biggie. However... she talks in a funny convoluted way, following at least three threads of conversation often not waiting for my answer and I can see she may be on something. I initially chalk it up to nervousness, but she get nasty, making rude comments about my ethnicity, my face, and my accent... We go to the shop and she makes an absolute ass of herself there being rude to the assistants. We leave and I ask her what is going on. She tells me she is on anti-depressants and later she admits to liking a puff of the stuff... I was quite clear I do not do drugs and expect my partners to not do them either, but she doesn't care... With her being 2.5 hours late and spending half an hour in the shop we only have 3 hours to get ready for the party. She wants a drink... something "weak, double rum ..." I ask her if she's absolutely sure and if it will not make her ill... "no, I'm fine" then she wants another one... (I told her I don't drink and I don't want my partners to drink before the party, she doesn't care) she then proceeds to tell me about her recent partners (one former sexual worker) and STIs... "all cleared..." she is also mostly talking to herself. I tell her it's not going to work and leave the pub. She keeps sending me messages all night until she gets home. I then block her on all channels.
I have a feeling ladies can relate... sometimes it's just not worth making an effort and dressing up of the occasion  |
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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"I'm going to summarise something that happened recently... it was not good
We met online, the chat was good, and thee were no expectations beyond meeting, seeing if we want to meet again. We arranged to go to a party. We agreed to met six hours before the party to have time to get to know each other and get comfortable with each other, do some shopping for the party, and get changed. This being London, Victorian time tolerances apply hence six hours.
We were supposed to meet at "around 3:00pm" so of course I am there at 2:45pm wearing a pair of nicely polished shoes, a new pair of chinos, a nice dark peacoat over a jacket over a white shirt. I smell of good niche perfume. I am wearing my best look and smell...
She is not answering my messages until 3:30pm when she tells me that she will be leaving "very soon". At 4:30 I get a message that she is on the bus (takes 40 min) instead of the Tube (takes 15 min). At 5:30pm I finally see her and ... she has wet hair, nails not done, I will spare the description of her clothing. Fine. We are going to a party, she is simply wearing comfortable clothes. No biggie. However... she talks in a funny convoluted way, following at least three threads of conversation often not waiting for my answer and I can see she may be on something. I initially chalk it up to nervousness, but she get nasty, making rude comments about my ethnicity, my face, and my accent... We go to the shop and she makes an absolute ass of herself there being rude to the assistants. We leave and I ask her what is going on. She tells me she is on anti-depressants and later she admits to liking a puff of the stuff... I was quite clear I do not do drugs and expect my partners to not do them either, but she doesn't care... With her being 2.5 hours late and spending half an hour in the shop we only have 3 hours to get ready for the party. She wants a drink... something "weak, double rum ..." I ask her if she's absolutely sure and if it will not make her ill... "no, I'm fine" then she wants another one... (I told her I don't drink and I don't want my partners to drink before the party, she doesn't care) she then proceeds to tell me about her recent partners (one former sexual worker) and STIs... "all cleared..." she is also mostly talking to herself. I tell her it's not going to work and leave the pub. She keeps sending me messages all night until she gets home. I then block her on all channels.
I have a feeling ladies can relate... sometimes it's just not worth making an effort and dressing up of the occasion "
Didn’t read all of that but sounds like you got your Ickle ego bruised and didn’t have a single amount of empathy for what was going on… no need to bitch and moan about here… |
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Well, you do know how to pick them.
In all seriousness though, you never can tell how someone is through text.
People can talk themselves up and fall short.
I think she had a result you didn't walk within 10 minutes.
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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You're more bothered about dressing up than I am but I probably wouldn't have hung around for more than a drink's worth waiting for someone.
Also: party? On a first date? Disaster artist  |
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Blimey OP - what a saga!! I’m impressed with your patience, you’re clearly a tolerant person (and maybe really wanted someone to take to that party?) but I think I would have made my excuses long before you did.
I wonder if it was an extreme case of nerves for her? Still, not a fun experience for you.
Straight after the event I’d be thinking exactly as you are - what’s the bleeding point etc. But as I’m sure you will appreciate, there are so many genuine and deserving people out there for whom the effort is well worth the reward.
For me it’s like ‘normal’ dating. Every time I met someone that wasn’t interested I’d think, is there any point in keeping going? But there always is because the next one may be exactly what you want and you may be exactly what she wants.
You’ll bounce back old thing. Good luck! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 42 weeks ago
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"Well, you do know how to pick them.
In all seriousness though, you never can tell how someone is through text.
People can talk themselves up and fall short.
I think she had a result you didn't walk within 10 minutes.
"
I met enough women to know they can be really nervous and behave strangely for the first hour or so before they realise I am a normal guy. I met one who was giggling nervously so hard we had to leave the pub, she asked me to go sit of a bench and calmly talk it through. So I was giving this one a massive benefit of the doubt. But the credit line ran out eventually. |
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"I'm going to summarise something that happened recently... it was not good
We met online, the chat was good, and thee were no expectations beyond meeting, seeing if we want to meet again. We arranged to go to a party. We agreed to met six hours before the party to have time to get to know each other and get comfortable with each other, do some shopping for the party, and get changed. This being London, Victorian time tolerances apply hence six hours.
We were supposed to meet at "around 3:00pm" so of course I am there at 2:45pm wearing a pair of nicely polished shoes, a new pair of chinos, a nice dark peacoat over a jacket over a white shirt. I smell of good niche perfume. I am wearing my best look and smell...
She is not answering my messages until 3:30pm when she tells me that she will be leaving "very soon". At 4:30 I get a message that she is on the bus (takes 40 min) instead of the Tube (takes 15 min). At 5:30pm I finally see her and ... she has wet hair, nails not done, I will spare the description of her clothing. Fine. We are going to a party, she is simply wearing comfortable clothes. No biggie. However... she talks in a funny convoluted way, following at least three threads of conversation often not waiting for my answer and I can see she may be on something. I initially chalk it up to nervousness, but she get nasty, making rude comments about my ethnicity, my face, and my accent... We go to the shop and she makes an absolute ass of herself there being rude to the assistants. We leave and I ask her what is going on. She tells me she is on anti-depressants and later she admits to liking a puff of the stuff... I was quite clear I do not do drugs and expect my partners to not do them either, but she doesn't care... With her being 2.5 hours late and spending half an hour in the shop we only have 3 hours to get ready for the party. She wants a drink... something "weak, double rum ..." I ask her if she's absolutely sure and if it will not make her ill... "no, I'm fine" then she wants another one... (I told her I don't drink and I don't want my partners to drink before the party, she doesn't care) she then proceeds to tell me about her recent partners (one former sexual worker) and STIs... "all cleared..." she is also mostly talking to herself. I tell her it's not going to work and leave the pub. She keeps sending me messages all night until she gets home. I then block her on all channels.
I have a feeling ladies can relate... sometimes it's just not worth making an effort and dressing up of the occasion "
Blimey! I just don't understand why you stuck around as long as you did! the second she got insulting I'd of got out of dodge
What a hot mess of fresh hell
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By (user no longer on site) OP 42 weeks ago
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"You're more bothered about dressing up than I am but I probably wouldn't have hung around for more than a drink's worth waiting for someone.
Also: party? On a first date? Disaster artist "
I had a spare ticket, it seemed like something that could work and I wanted to go anyway. |
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By *oxy jWoman 42 weeks ago
somerset |
the warning sign was there early on so why waste your time you should have walked away thats the only way these messers get the message that its not ok to fuck around ...
it does not take alot for me to stop and walk away social or a play meet any sign of it not being right im gone no ifs no buts ....
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"I'm going to summarise something that happened recently... it was not good
We met online, the chat was good, and thee were no expectations beyond meeting, seeing if we want to meet again. We arranged to go to a party. We agreed to met six hours before the party to have time to get to know each other and get comfortable with each other, do some shopping for the party, and get changed. This being London, Victorian time tolerances apply hence six hours.
We were supposed to meet at "around 3:00pm" so of course I am there at 2:45pm wearing a pair of nicely polished shoes, a new pair of chinos, a nice dark peacoat over a jacket over a white shirt. I smell of good niche perfume. I am wearing my best look and smell...
She is not answering my messages until 3:30pm when she tells me that she will be leaving "very soon". At 4:30 I get a message that she is on the bus (takes 40 min) instead of the Tube (takes 15 min). At 5:30pm I finally see her and ... she has wet hair, nails not done, I will spare the description of her clothing. Fine. We are going to a party, she is simply wearing comfortable clothes. No biggie. However... she talks in a funny convoluted way, following at least three threads of conversation often not waiting for my answer and I can see she may be on something. I initially chalk it up to nervousness, but she get nasty, making rude comments about my ethnicity, my face, and my accent... We go to the shop and she makes an absolute ass of herself there being rude to the assistants. We leave and I ask her what is going on. She tells me she is on anti-depressants and later she admits to liking a puff of the stuff... I was quite clear I do not do drugs and expect my partners to not do them either, but she doesn't care... With her being 2.5 hours late and spending half an hour in the shop we only have 3 hours to get ready for the party. She wants a drink... something "weak, double rum ..." I ask her if she's absolutely sure and if it will not make her ill... "no, I'm fine" then she wants another one... (I told her I don't drink and I don't want my partners to drink before the party, she doesn't care) she then proceeds to tell me about her recent partners (one former sexual worker) and STIs... "all cleared..." she is also mostly talking to herself. I tell her it's not going to work and leave the pub. She keeps sending me messages all night until she gets home. I then block her on all channels.
I have a feeling ladies can relate... sometimes it's just not worth making an effort and dressing up of the occasion
Didn’t read all of that but sounds like you got your Ickle ego bruised and didn’t have a single amount of empathy for what was going on… no need to bitch and moan about here…"
Wow. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 42 weeks ago
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"K.I.S.S
Keep It Simple Stupid
Coffee and a relaxed chat for the first one."
That's what I do every time, except I had a spare ticket and was up for going with someone who missed the sale. Lesson learned a while ago. |
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"K.I.S.S
Keep It Simple Stupid
Coffee and a relaxed chat for the first one.
That's what I do every time, except I had a spare ticket and was up for going with someone who missed the sale. Lesson learned a while ago."
Yeah, feel for you buddy. |
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It sounds one helluva unusual situation to get involved in, even if you were just to be going alone.
I have a key theme for my life, which is simplicity. OPs situation sounds messy and convoluted, with too much complication and inherent weak points.
Keep first meets brief, with backup resiliency and get out plans
And dress for yourself.
I sympathise with the disappointment. |
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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You arranged to meet at 3pm. At 3:30pm she tells you she would be leaving home soon.
If it was me that would be the end. If someone can’t respect your time they won’t respect anything else.
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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I wouldn't have waited for her if she was that late op ....no way....the fact you did wait & it appears she was defo not the person you were expecting I'd have made my excuses & left |
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"I'm going to summarise something that happened recently... it was not good
We met online, the chat was good, and thee were no expectations beyond meeting, seeing if we want to meet again. We arranged to go to a party. We agreed to met six hours before the party to have time to get to know each other and get comfortable with each other, do some shopping for the party, and get changed. This being London, Victorian time tolerances apply hence six hours.
We were supposed to meet at "around 3:00pm" so of course I am there at 2:45pm wearing a pair of nicely polished shoes, a new pair of chinos, a nice dark peacoat over a jacket over a white shirt. I smell of good niche perfume. I am wearing my best look and smell...
She is not answering my messages until 3:30pm when she tells me that she will be leaving "very soon". At 4:30 I get a message that she is on the bus (takes 40 min) instead of the Tube (takes 15 min). At 5:30pm I finally see her and ... she has wet hair, nails not done, I will spare the description of her clothing. Fine. We are going to a party, she is simply wearing comfortable clothes. No biggie. However... she talks in a funny convoluted way, following at least three threads of conversation often not waiting for my answer and I can see she may be on something. I initially chalk it up to nervousness, but she get nasty, making rude comments about my ethnicity, my face, and my accent... We go to the shop and she makes an absolute ass of herself there being rude to the assistants. We leave and I ask her what is going on. She tells me she is on anti-depressants and later she admits to liking a puff of the stuff... I was quite clear I do not do drugs and expect my partners to not do them either, but she doesn't care... With her being 2.5 hours late and spending half an hour in the shop we only have 3 hours to get ready for the party. She wants a drink... something "weak, double rum ..." I ask her if she's absolutely sure and if it will not make her ill... "no, I'm fine" then she wants another one... (I told her I don't drink and I don't want my partners to drink before the party, she doesn't care) she then proceeds to tell me about her recent partners (one former sexual worker) and STIs... "all cleared..." she is also mostly talking to herself. I tell her it's not going to work and leave the pub. She keeps sending me messages all night until she gets home. I then block her on all channels.
I have a feeling ladies can relate... sometimes it's just not worth making an effort and dressing up of the occasion "
You did the right thing.
Get away, it may have gone badly wrong and caused problems for the host of the party.
We have only had a few problems with folks not quite being what they say on the tin so we stick to meeting for a drink and chat initially, so we can either rearrange a meet or escape the clutches of the strange people.
Only happened a few times and on every occasion sadly, its the ladies who are the problem
It also gives an opportunity for others to run away from me!!
Liz.
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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I did read it all and I have to ask
If you have specific boundaries, puffing and driking are a no, why did you carry on when she told you she did them things? |
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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"If I arranged to meet at 3 and had no reply to my messages til 3.30 I would have walked away
He was early as I’d be too, so 45 minutes sort of thing. But yeah 3.30 and walk away "
To me it’s not so much 45 mins as the fact she agreed to meet at 3 and hasn’t even left at 3:30 so consciously chose not to be there on time. That’s disrespect. |
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By *rispyDuckMan 42 weeks ago
Chinese Takeaway near you |
Mate you are a much better person than I am lol
Waited 2.5hrs! I am a very punctual man & value my time. Max I would have waited is 1hr if she video called me on the bus conforming she’s coming  . And being rude about your appearance! Oh hell no hahaha would have walked out right then & there!
But on the ‘Brighter side’ it’s all life experience! Now you know ‘red flags to look out for’ & with the advise from people given. Hopefully you’ll walk away sooner next time with your self worth  . Happy fabbing buddy |
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Sounds like the person hadn't read your profile clearly. You're allowed to like what you like and not engage with certain activities. Won't blame you and write how you should have specifically asked her about the drinking etc as it's clear on your profile. I feel that's on her for not respecting your viewpoint.
It does come across this was a high expectation for a first social interaction. Perhaps keep it simple for the first real life interaction.
I personally would have declined a party invitation from a stranger. I wouldn't have tolerated the lateness, you let someone know in advance not after the meeting time has elapsed, that's bad manners.
I would have left at the first ethnicity comment though. I don't feel requiring anti depressants is an excuse to conduct yourself that way.
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By *ags73Man 42 weeks ago
glasgow-ish |
"If I arranged to meet at 3 and had no reply to my messages til 3.30 I would have walked away
He was early as I’d be too, so 45 minutes sort of thing. But yeah 3.30 and walk away
To me it’s not so much 45 mins as the fact she agreed to meet at 3 and hasn’t even left at 3:30 so consciously chose not to be there on time. That’s disrespect. "
Yeah she wasn’t going to. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 42 weeks ago
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"The cynic in me wonders if you needed a female to gain admission to the party, and thats why you let all those red flags slide?"
Being a couple is not a condition for admission. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 42 weeks ago
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"I am puzzled why her hair was still wet after walking to the bus stop and 40 minutes on the bus. "
She said she was. I did not check. It definitely looked like it was not combed. |
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Not the best experience Jack but I don't think anyone could argue that many men would have taken advantage of a clearly vulnerable woman and 'stuck' with her until she 'paid up' ...
For your own safety - chat on the phone first or have a video chat.
Men can be extremely cock led and think they can't get damaged cos it's 'just a woman'..... anything could have happened.
I am glad you are both safe and that you have had an 'interesting' learning experience x take care x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 42 weeks ago
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"I did read it all and I have to ask
If you have specific boundaries, puffing and driking are a no, why did you carry on when she told you she did them things?"
She admitted she did these things on the way to the pub. I figured it would be a good place to part our ways. I should, but did not want to, leave her in the middle of the street. |
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Got to admit, probably wouldn't be interested in a man who didn't like the fact I turned up in casual clothes and hadn't painted my nails.
Sounds like she wasn't compatible with you, and you weren't compatible with her. That's ok, not everyone is compatible with everyone else. |
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The incompatibility between you two seems obvious but it could have been easily detected during casual, no expectations coffee social.
Meeting six hours prior, going shopping and going to the party sounds just too much for people who have never met before.
Was it the Torture Garden party you were looking forward to by any chance? Because it sounds very intense even if it wasn’t that one. Sorry for your bad experiences OP, we all have them and we learn along. |
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"And why are you waiting for 2 and a half hours for someone, especially as you've never met before. "
This. If you agree to meet at a time, you agree to meet. If either party is late, walk away. If she doesn't respect your time, then she is using you for attention and validation.
Only one response. Leave, block her and move on.
You were an idiot for waiting. You were a backup choice, she was waiting on the person she actually wanted to go with.
Learn, and do better next time, stay strong |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 42 weeks ago
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"
Was it the Torture Garden party you were looking forward to by any chance? Because it sounds very intense even if it wasn’t that one. Sorry for your bad experiences OP, we all have them and we learn along. "
No it wasn't. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 42 weeks ago
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"And why are you waiting for 2 and a half hours for someone, especially as you've never met before.
This. If you agree to meet at a time, you agree to meet. If either party is late, walk away. If she doesn't respect your time, then she is using you for attention and validation.
Only one response. Leave, block her and move on.
You were an idiot for waiting. You were a backup choice, she was waiting on the person she actually wanted to go with.
Learn, and do better next time, stay strong"
It was definitely a learning experience, and a reminder to stick to my rules. I had a very long streak (5+ years) of reliable meets so my shields were down a little. They are back up. |
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By (user no longer on site) 42 weeks ago
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Both on different wavelengths and both have different ideas around boundaries.
Also a lot of expectation and oppprtunity for things to go wrong.
Must have been a good party. |
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Sorry OP you had that experience.
And sorry that some people have been trying to excuse her behaviour due to "nerves".
You should really have left her when she turned up in that state - especially after making you wait 2.5hrs!
But then, I guess it was your choice to wait. I wouldn't have.
You need to get to know folk better before making such plans. Lesson learnt the hard way.
Hope you're OK |
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By *odevilWoman 42 weeks ago
exeter |
I'd say it's worth making the effort if you're making it for yourself and to meet your own standards.
What I mean is; if its important to you to turn up to a meet suited and booted and you did, then it was worth the effort. That doesn't change just because someone else didn't do the same.
Sorry for your disappointment though. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 42 weeks ago
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"Sorry OP you had that experience.
And sorry that some people have been trying to excuse her behaviour due to "nerves".
You should really have left her when she turned up in that state - especially after making you wait 2.5hrs!
But then, I guess it was your choice to wait. I wouldn't have.
You need to get to know folk better before making such plans. Lesson learnt the hard way.
Hope you're OK "
Thank you for your comment. I waited, because I really had no other plans for the hours before the party, I prepared everything so waiting for her in a cafe was not a huge thing and I am familiar with the "I'll be ready in 5 minutes, honey" time estimates
I agree with people who said she was vulnerable. That became quite obvious after her inexcusable behaviour at the shop. We did chat for two weeks beforehand, just could not meet earlier to scheduling conflicts and distance (London is a big place. She lives in. a different part of it), but I did not spot signs that would raise red flags and make me reconsider. In the end I thought that if it works out we are going to have a good time regardless or I'm going alone. What I did not prepare for was the s**tshow I was served. I am used to comments regarding my origins, my accent, and my facial features, but I have not been given a lecture on the three from someone who's not a native Brit for a while. Things went downhill really fast when she was rude to the shopping assistants. I shop there often and will have to apologise next time I'm there, maybe even bring a box of chocolates. Yes, she is vulnerable and needs professional help, but that's for her to ask for and for professionals to provide.
I am fine, can laugh about it now. I am also quite relieved that she got back home safely. She's trying to reach out to me on the email address I gave her, promising not to stalk me, but I am not replying. I am quite strict about ending a relationship. When it's over, all bridges burn. |
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Put it down to experience OP.
