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Delayed anger
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When is it ok to express you anger?
A friend came round to visit as I have lately been with the Crisis team and he wanted to check up on me.
I went to the toilet and came down and caught him reading my triage risk assessment carried out by the crisis team. At the time I just took it off him and said he shouldn't be reading that.
The incident happened a week ago and I have not addressed what happened with him yet. It's only been the past couple of days I have reflected over what happened and feel so enraged by it.
Is it too late now to tell him how angry I am now time has passed and I have not said anything about it since?
This might not be the place for this but I don't know who else to ask. |
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"When is it ok to express you anger?
A friend came round to visit as I have lately been with the Crisis team and he wanted to check up on me.
I went to the toilet and came down and caught him reading my triage risk assessment carried out by the crisis team. At the time I just took it off him and said he shouldn't be reading that.
The incident happened a week ago and I have not addressed what happened with him yet. It's only been the past couple of days I have reflected over what happened and feel so enraged by it.
Is it too late now to tell him how angry I am now time has passed and I have not said anything about it since?
This might not be the place for this but I don't know who else to ask."
Former friend. If they can't respect your privicy, bin them. |
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If he is a good friend, you can say calmly to him that you were disappointed doing that. The imporyant thing is to focus all yiur energy and being with the issues that you are with the crisis team with. You just need to look after yiurself and make sure everything gets better. All the best  |
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"No, you should tell him how much it upset you him reading that OP, bottling things up never helps, but try not to be angry just explain to him how it made you feel."
Absolutely this! I'd say that it took me a while to process and it's something I've not been able to get out my head but I found it really disrespectful that you did X, Y and X and if he's your friend, he'll listen to you |
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By *929Man 29 weeks ago
newcastle |
It doesn't matter a week has passed it’s best to voice it otherwise it will just niggle at you inside, he had no business reading that who the fuck just reads stuff they find lying around in someone’s house anyways that’s so bastard rude, I have to hide my copy of hospital letters to the gp as my mother just helps herself to a read of them the old cunt |
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"No, you should tell him how much it upset you him reading that OP, bottling things up never helps, but try not to be angry just explain to him how it made you feel.
Absolutely this! I'd say that it took me a while to process and it's something I've not been able to get out my head but I found it really disrespectful that you did X, Y and X and if he's your friend, he'll listen to you "
Agreed |
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"When is it ok to express you anger?
A friend came round to visit as I have lately been with the Crisis team and he wanted to check up on me.
I went to the toilet and came down and caught him reading my triage risk assessment carried out by the crisis team. At the time I just took it off him and said he shouldn't be reading that.
The incident happened a week ago and I have not addressed what happened with him yet. It's only been the past couple of days I have reflected over what happened and feel so enraged by it.
Is it too late now to tell him how angry I am now time has passed and I have not said anything about it since?
This might not be the place for this but I don't know who else to ask."
It depends on how close you are with this friend. I have removed people from my life for less than that.
If you are really close then I'd have a word with him, tell them it wasn't cool doing what they did |
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By *oo..Woman 29 weeks ago
Boo's World |
Personally, I'd not go over the top angry at them.
He cares about you which is why he took the time to visit.
Yes, reading the notes he shouldn't have done, but if he asked you straight what happened and why, would you honestly have given him a truthful answer to his questions?
So many don't and continue to hide the real truth of what's going on/happened and it ends up being so much worse in the long run.
Just message them , tell them how it made you feel and meet up again and discuss it all properly and if you can don't hide details as they obviously care. |
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To be honest with you all I was kind of hoping someone would have said lay into him because that is how I feel.
You are all correct, I need to somehow speak to him in calmly and let him know how I feel.
I suppose I just can't do that at the moment with out the risk of losing my temper. |
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By (user no longer on site) 29 weeks ago
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Hard to know without more context, but you can do bad things for good reasons. Was he looking to have a laugh at you or was he genuinely concerned and acting on that in a moronic way?
It's reasonable to be angry, and no argument he shouldn't have done it. Have a think about whether he's a liability you need to distance yourself from or a misguided asset. If the latter, raise it with him and do the work; the former, distance yourself. |
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"When is it ok to express you anger?
A friend came round to visit as I have lately been with the Crisis team and he wanted to check up on me.
I went to the toilet and came down and caught him reading my triage risk assessment carried out by the crisis team. At the time I just took it off him and said he shouldn't be reading that.
The incident happened a week ago and I have not addressed what happened with him yet. It's only been the past couple of days I have reflected over what happened and feel so enraged by it.
Is it too late now to tell him how angry I am now time has passed and I have not said anything about it since?
This might not be the place for this but I don't know who else to ask."
Not sure if “expressing anger” is a helpful term, if you want to keep him as a friend going forward then a calm discussion is needed rather than expressing anger.
You say that you took the document off him and said he should not be reading it. That should be enough. What did he say when you did that? Was he embarrassed? Did he apologise?
He clearly doesn’t respect barriers, or even notice / recognise them, so factor that into your future relationship with him, don’t leave yourself open to him having a nosey look at private stuff. |
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By (user no longer on site) 29 weeks ago
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Agree with the above.
Be a friend to him and try to understand why he was concerned.
But, DO address it - ‘Mate -y’know you were round…. Y’know you were reading my notes….. just have to say it made me REALLY jumpy ….. Could we talk rather than sneak peeks at things without lookin properly or discussing or any respect to my situation…..? “
Something like that….?
Best of luck …. |
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"When is it ok to express you anger?
A friend came round to visit as I have lately been with the Crisis team and he wanted to check up on me.
I went to the toilet and came down and caught him reading my triage risk assessment carried out by the crisis team. At the time I just took it off him and said he shouldn't be reading that.
The incident happened a week ago and I have not addressed what happened with him yet. It's only been the past couple of days I have reflected over what happened and feel so enraged by it.
Is it too late now to tell him how angry I am now time has passed and I have not said anything about it since?
This might not be the place for this but I don't know who else to ask.
Not sure if “expressing anger” is a helpful term, if you want to keep him as a friend going forward then a calm discussion is needed rather than expressing anger.
You say that you took the document off him and said he should not be reading it. That should be enough. What did he say when you did that? Was he embarrassed? Did he apologise?
He clearly doesn’t respect barriers, or even notice / recognise them, so factor that into your future relationship with him, don’t leave yourself open to him having a nosey look at private stuff. "
He said sorry, looked at me, smiled and asked if I was ok. I just I will be fine and I quickly changed the subject. He looked more shocked/flushed when I took it off him. |
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"To be honest with you all I was kind of hoping someone would have said lay into him because that is how I feel.
You are all correct, I need to somehow speak to him in calmly and let him know how I feel.
I suppose I just can't do that at the moment with out the risk of losing my temper."
You already told him he shouldn’t have been reading the document. How did he react when you said that? Did he apologise? Did he explain why he was reading it?
Expressing “anger” or “laying into him” are not good ideas, even if you don’t trust him now and want to cut him loose. |
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"To be honest with you all I was kind of hoping someone would have said lay into him because that is how I feel.
You are all correct, I need to somehow speak to him in calmly and let him know how I feel.
The post above just asked the same thing?
I suppose I just can't do that at the moment with out the risk of losing my temper.
You already told him he shouldn’t have been reading the document. How did he react when you said that? Did he apologise? Did he explain why he was reading it?
Expressing “anger” or “laying into him” are not good ideas, even if you don’t trust him now and want to cut him loose. "
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"To be honest with you all I was kind of hoping someone would have said lay into him because that is how I feel.
You are all correct, I need to somehow speak to him in calmly and let him know how I feel.
The post above just asked the same thing?
I suppose I just can't do that at the moment with out the risk of losing my temper.
You already told him he shouldn’t have been reading the document. How did he react when you said that? Did he apologise? Did he explain why he was reading it?
Expressing “anger” or “laying into him” are not good ideas, even if you don’t trust him now and want to cut him loose. "
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"When is it ok to express you anger?
A friend came round to visit as I have lately been with the Crisis team and he wanted to check up on me.
I went to the toilet and came down and caught him reading my triage risk assessment carried out by the crisis team. At the time I just took it off him and said he shouldn't be reading that.
The incident happened a week ago and I have not addressed what happened with him yet. It's only been the past couple of days I have reflected over what happened and feel so enraged by it.
Is it too late now to tell him how angry I am now time has passed and I have not said anything about it since?
This might not be the place for this but I don't know who else to ask.
Not sure if “expressing anger” is a helpful term, if you want to keep him as a friend going forward then a calm discussion is needed rather than expressing anger.
You say that you took the document off him and said he should not be reading it. That should be enough. What did he say when you did that? Was he embarrassed? Did he apologise?
He clearly doesn’t respect barriers, or even notice / recognise them, so factor that into your future relationship with him, don’t leave yourself open to him having a nosey look at private stuff.
He said sorry, looked at me, smiled and asked if I was ok. I just I will be fine and I quickly changed the subject. He looked more shocked/flushed when I took it off him."
He apologised, looked embarrassed, smiled and asked if you are ok?
It sounds like he is worried about you. No, he shouldn’t have read your private docs, but he has apologised for doing so …. and you now want to go back for another go and “express your anger” and “lay into him”? |
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It's never too late to communicate your expectations, boundaries and emotional impacts, from others, as well as what you expect.
Roasting someone under atomic bomb conditions, years after someone may have made the wrong look, whilst enjoying an opera together, he'd gifted you, may not seem so pertinent.
With the passage of time, we do get the opportunity to reflect and to choose our response, including the context, etc. |
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"When is it ok to express you anger?
A friend came round to visit as I have lately been with the Crisis team and he wanted to check up on me.
I went to the toilet and came down and caught him reading my triage risk assessment carried out by the crisis team. At the time I just took it off him and said he shouldn't be reading that.
The incident happened a week ago and I have not addressed what happened with him yet. It's only been the past couple of days I have reflected over what happened and feel so enraged by it.
Is it too late now to tell him how angry I am now time has passed and I have not said anything about it since?
This might not be the place for this but I don't know who else to ask.
Not sure if “expressing anger” is a helpful term, if you want to keep him as a friend going forward then a calm discussion is needed rather than expressing anger.
You say that you took the document off him and said he should not be reading it. That should be enough. What did he say when you did that? Was he embarrassed? Did he apologise?
He clearly doesn’t respect barriers, or even notice / recognise them, so factor that into your future relationship with him, don’t leave yourself open to him having a nosey look at private stuff.
He said sorry, looked at me, smiled and asked if I was ok. I just I will be fine and I quickly changed the subject. He looked more shocked/flushed when I took it off him.
He apologised, looked embarrassed, smiled and asked if you are ok?
It sounds like he is worried about you. No, he shouldn’t have read your private docs, but he has apologised for doing so …. and you now want to go back for another go and “express your anger” and “lay into him”? "
The not so nice answer, yes. I just feel so angry and upset about it. He might be concerned but there are things that was written in there I didn't want anyone to know. |
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"When is it ok to express you anger?
A friend came round to visit as I have lately been with the Crisis team and he wanted to check up on me.
I went to the toilet and came down and caught him reading my triage risk assessment carried out by the crisis team. At the time I just took it off him and said he shouldn't be reading that.
The incident happened a week ago and I have not addressed what happened with him yet. It's only been the past couple of days I have reflected over what happened and feel so enraged by it.
Is it too late now to tell him how angry I am now time has passed and I have not said anything about it since?
This might not be the place for this but I don't know who else to ask.
Not sure if “expressing anger” is a helpful term, if you want to keep him as a friend going forward then a calm discussion is needed rather than expressing anger.
You say that you took the document off him and said he should not be reading it. That should be enough. What did he say when you did that? Was he embarrassed? Did he apologise?
He clearly doesn’t respect barriers, or even notice / recognise them, so factor that into your future relationship with him, don’t leave yourself open to him having a nosey look at private stuff.
He said sorry, looked at me, smiled and asked if I was ok. I just I will be fine and I quickly changed the subject. He looked more shocked/flushed when I took it off him.
He apologised, looked embarrassed, smiled and asked if you are ok?
It sounds like he is worried about you. No, he shouldn’t have read your private docs, but he has apologised for doing so …. and you now want to go back for another go and “express your anger” and “lay into him”?
The not so nice answer, yes. I just feel so angry and upset about it. He might be concerned but there are things that was written in there I didn't want anyone to know."
What do you want as an outcome here? He has apologised, what more can he do?
What good will it do getting angry and laying into him? What good will that achieve?
If you are so concerned about keeping the contents of the document private, how did he get his hands on it? Was he rooting through your files? Or was it left somewhere that he saw it and picked it up?
My most personal / private docs are under lock and key. Maybe you should consider doing the same.
I’m not excusing what your friend did |
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I’m not saying he’s right and I don’t know the whole situation and the whys etc but maybe they were so worried about you and that’s why they did it. Again not saying it’s right but it could be the reason. |
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"I’m not saying he’s right and I don’t know the whole situation and the whys etc but maybe they were so worried about you and that’s why they did it. Again not saying it’s right but it could be the reason. "
… and wouldn’t have happened if the document had been stored securely
Likewise, not condoning the friend having a nosey … |
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By (user no longer on site) 29 weeks ago
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You feel your privacy is violated & rightfully angry but equally if your friend was in contact with the crisis team, wouldn't you want to check on them & try to help? Why did you not hide your notes, or was he rummaging? Are you disproportionately focusing on leaning into this anger with him that you've already addressed with him, because it was valid & it's allowing you to express a rage or injustice feeling that's also there because of other factors or a way you feel comfortable expressing other things inside you?
I'd wait until you are calm before you react when triggered. I've made that mistake before, my valid point was lost in poor delivery. |
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The most likely scenario, is that he was concerned and he is a close friend. If I had put the letter away properly he would not have seen it.
I just need to approach this in a calm way and discuss it with him but not right now. I'm feeling a little raw still.
I will try and be an optimist about this and hopefully something good will come of it. |
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By (user no longer on site) 29 weeks ago
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If you want to vent, find a better method, if your don't with his friendship over this, be done with it, if you want to fix it with him, wait until your calm |
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I caught my father in law sitting at my desk once, leaving through my pension statements.
I asked him what the hell he was doing, he was like a startled rabbit. I was sure he wouldn’t do it again, but I told him to stay away from my personal docs, and now keep all such docs under lock and key. |
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"When is it ok to express you anger?
A friend came round to visit as I have lately been with the Crisis team and he wanted to check up on me.
I went to the toilet and came down and caught him reading my triage risk assessment carried out by the crisis team. At the time I just took it off him and said he shouldn't be reading that.
The incident happened a week ago and I have not addressed what happened with him yet. It's only been the past couple of days I have reflected over what happened and feel so enraged by it.
Is it too late now to tell him how angry I am now time has passed and I have not said anything about it since?
This might not be the place for this but I don't know who else to ask."
Sounds like he was trying to look after you and finding out what the experts thinks would be useful to him to help you? Having said that if it made you feel stuff, just tell him you really value his friendship but that him reading your personal medical file upset you. |
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Anger is usually a secondary emotion caused by something else. If there are things in there that you didn't want anyone to read is it maybe embarrassment or shame?
You have a friend who cares enough to check on you. Them reading it could be their way of trying to find out how to help you. They absolutely should've asked first but I don't think it was done from a place of malice.
Try to work out where the anger is coming from before you speak to them. Because just maybe it could make your friendship stronger if you can explain exactly why you feel so upset and what you need for them to support you.
J |
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They probably had good intentions and probably wanted to find something that reassured them that you aren't a risk to yourself. But you're entitled to your privacy, they should have asked you so you had the option to say no.
You'll know whether or not this person deserves to be forgiven. If you do, get it off your chest and tell them |
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By (user no longer on site) 29 weeks ago
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"I’m not saying he’s right and I don’t know the whole situation and the whys etc but maybe they were so worried about you and that’s why they did it. Again not saying it’s right but it could be the reason. "
Agree they probably looked because they cared so don't be too hasty having a go at them .
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There's no reason not to have a chat if it's bugging you. If they are comfy enough reading about you, they are comfy enough hearing from you.. it's personal info without doubt but it depends on your relationship and how much you share with them.
If you trust them implicitly it might have been an innocent mistake and they've stepped over the line. On the other hand, there's no reason not to ask you first either.
I've not read the thread, so if it's someone you see down the pub every second week, then yes they shouldn't have, privacy is yours to share. |
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"To be honest with you all I was kind of hoping someone would have said lay into him because that is how I feel.
You are all correct, I need to somehow speak to him in calmly and let him know how I feel.
I suppose I just can't do that at the moment with out the risk of losing my temper."
That tells me that you have insight and that you are not ready to deal with it right now.
It needs to be addressed, but at a time that is right for you. Hopefully you will know when that is, and that it's not far off.
I wish you well, OP.
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