FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Can you be a good person but a bad/ absent parent?
Can you be a good person but a bad/ absent parent?
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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I’m talking like, you know you’re a parent and you are bad at it. In whatever way you want to interpret that. I know we’re not perfect I’m not saying that. I’m talking about bad parenting and actually deciding not to parent |
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Hmm. I'm going to say probably not but not definitely not. There might be some edge cases, like you've been bad for your child and you know you're not ready yet, but you're doing your best to become better and be a person your child can be safe around. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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I ask because I was reflecting on a comment I heard where she noted that their dad was a bad parent but that he wasn’t put on this earth just to be her dad so it’s unfair to judge him just on being a bad parent. Or something like that. |
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In my opinion, bad parents (in the context you imply here) are not good people.
To bring a child into the world and care for it and love, teach, support and encourage is a massive responsibility and not to be taken lightly, if you begin the process and walk away from it you are letting down the child you have created. They need everything you have to offer and to deny them that is “not good”. |
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By *host63Man 37 weeks ago
Bedfont Feltham |
Don't have children unless you have emotional maturity and the financial means to give them a decent life.
A child is a lifelong commitment anything less is irresponsible and there are too many tragic that prove too many people are not fit to be parents and I see it all the time in my work.
Neglecting your children makes you a bad person in my book.
Recognising that you not parent material and avoiding having a child makes you a better person recognising your limits. |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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I'm not sure you can be both. Ultimately children are innocent and all too often bear the brunt of a relationshop breakdown and the hurt/ guilt/ neglect/trauma that can come from it (in my experience, mainly from men) |
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"I ask because I was reflecting on a comment I heard where she noted that their dad was a bad parent but that he wasn’t put on this earth just to be her dad so it’s unfair to judge him just on being a bad parent. Or something like that. "
I suspect she’s repeating something she has heard from other people that suited her narrative. |
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"I ask because I was reflecting on a comment I heard where she noted that their dad was a bad parent but that he wasn’t put on this earth just to be her dad so it’s unfair to judge him just on being a bad parent. Or something like that.
I suspect she’s repeating something she has heard from other people that suited her narrative. "
I wonder if it's a question you answer differently from the point of view of the child or the parent.
There are a lot of things I've forgiven, my parents/caregivers tried but bad things happened. Still good people.
But I look at situations and wonder if I could live with myself and the damage it might do to a child - and I'm a lot harder on myself. |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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Yes you could be absent parent and be a good person
Maybe the other person never told you you were a parent to start with for what ever reason they had
That isn’t they fault for not being apart off that life as they didn’t know
They may have even heard rooms though the years and questioned the person on it
And they still denied that it was true |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"Yes you could be absent parent and be a good person
Maybe the other person never told you you were a parent to start with for what ever reason they had
That isn’t they fault for not being apart off that life as they didn’t know
They may have even heard rooms though the years and questioned the person on it
And they still denied that it was true "
I'd say a person in that situation isn't a parent. |
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Children do not make for happy families if that unit isn't stable,neither do they help bring people together in fractious relationships,they'll only add to the pressure that relationship is already under,they'll not mend a relationship after going astray.Children become the whipping post from an ill informed decision to be brought this world,and unless they come into a mature situation,their very doomed to misery from the start irrespective.A child is a lifelong commitment. |
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"I don't think a good person is a thing, tbh.
Mrs TMN x"
To expand on this, I think very very few people are inherently good or bad - but it's their behaviours that are either of those things. People do good things, and people do bad things. Unfortunately some people do a lot of bad things, or things that are very bad. My personal view is a neglectful parent definitely falls in to the "very bad thing to do" category, but that doesn't necessarily mean they themselves as a person are bad, but that they have done bad things. |
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"Yes you could be absent parent and be a good person
Maybe the other person never told you you were a parent to start with for what ever reason they had
That isn’t they fault for not being apart off that life as they didn’t know
They may have even heard rooms though the years and questioned the person on it
And they still denied that it was true
I'd say a person in that situation isn't a parent."
No, they're definitely still a parent. Men need to understand that they don't get to shed parental responsibility. |
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I don't know, having had PND with both mine I struggled and I struggled a lot, motherhood hasn't come easy for me at all, but I try & I try my best, to some they'd look at say your a great mum, others would look and say I'm not.
I personally don't care what the latter think, parenting is hard, mix that in with health difficulties because it physical or mental or both then you maybe not be able to parent how you would wish.
A parent trying their best is a good parent can't say person because other things contribute.
Mrs |
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"I’m talking like, you know you’re a parent and you are bad at it. In whatever way you want to interpret that. I know we’re not perfect I’m not saying that. I’m talking about bad parenting and actually deciding not to parent"
Duty, loyalty and responsibility - Some people get it something we don’t. Anyone can be a good parent if they choose to be. It’s the hardest thing in the world and also the easiest thing in the world, you simply choose to give yourself.
It probably means getting off FAB and instagram occasionally !
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I'm a bit mixed on this one. I would hope that nobody takes the decision to have a child lightly, but you don't know what kind of parent you're going to be until you ARE one, and it doesn't help that society pressures that settling down and having children is what everyone of sound mind should want and need. To not want that is "selfish".
There is also PND to consider and, such as what happened with us, children that have health issues and severe disabilities.
Having children isn't all sunshine and rainbows and some people can't cope with that, but I doubt they knew until said children were here.
I don't condone people who shirk all responsibility, and you should at the very LEAST support your children financially, but sometimes the child/children are better off without a parent who is unhappy, toxic or resentful. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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I’m not talking about people with PND I guess but it’s important that it’s brought up so thanks. 
I think I’m talking about people that do bad things like are absent or are harmful in many ways. Not PND stuff. |
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By *929Man 37 weeks ago
newcastle |
If you have kids I believe they should be your uttermost priority in life till they reach adulthood, my ex after 14 years of living with our son practically forgot he existed the second she moved out and there is no two ways about it she is a worthless piece of shot for this regardless how “good” of a person she may seem. There’s people who have offed themselves due to not being able to see their kids yet some choose no involvement? |
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"I’m not talking about people with PND I guess but it’s important that it’s brought up so thanks.
I think I’m talking about people that do bad things like are absent or are harmful in many ways. Not PND stuff. "
But how do you know they aren't absent/struggling for these reasons? That's what I was getting at, some people who know me will say you are doing amazing, from an outsiders point of view I'm probably not, they have zero idea.
Mrs |
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There are some people who because of their chosen profession or career are hardly at home. One parent does the majority of the emotional, practical and physical parenting because the other is so frequently absent. Are deployed armed forces personnel all bad parents and bad people of actors, musicians etc who're on the road for weeks at a time.
I don't really know where doing the best you can with what you have slips in to bad parenting either.
I'd say you can't be a deliberately bad or nil contsct parent and a good person |
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"I’m not talking about people with PND I guess but it’s important that it’s brought up so thanks.
I think I’m talking about people that do bad things like are absent or are harmful in many ways. Not PND stuff. "
I only bring up PND because I believe it is misunderstood.
People hear the word "post natal" and assume it is only temporary, but PND can change you forever. x |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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All other issues aside, if you bring children into the world and have everything necessary to be a good parent but you don’t give a shit, you’re not a good person. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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"I’m not talking about people with PND I guess but it’s important that it’s brought up so thanks.
I think I’m talking about people that do bad things like are absent or are harmful in many ways. Not PND stuff.
But how do you know they aren't absent/struggling for these reasons? That's what I was getting at, some people who know me will say you are doing amazing, from an outsiders point of view I'm probably not, they have zero idea.
Mrs "
Well I am asking people to take it out of the equation of this scenario. I’m thinking of people that have not experienced PND and have said that they haven’t. I did try give a bit more context to my thoughts after my opening post. Some people are just bad parents for other reasons. And they’re the ones I’m talking about. |
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By *TK421-Man 37 weeks ago
Cheltenham |
People have their reasons to do what they do.
I have my reasons to judge them on their actions if I want to.
Do I think a bad parent is a bad person. Not always.
Is an absent parent through choice a bad person? In my book yes. |
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By *unchalMan 37 weeks ago
Dartford |
"I’m talking like, you know you’re a parent and you are bad at it. In whatever way you want to interpret that. I know we’re not perfect I’m not saying that. I’m talking about bad parenting and actually deciding not to parent"
I do this for a living. I’m not sure I have met many truly evil people. Generally most parents love their children and try to give them what they need but their own terrible experiences of being parented often gets in the way of their good intentions. |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"I’m talking like, you know you’re a parent and you are bad at it. In whatever way you want to interpret that. I know we’re not perfect I’m not saying that. I’m talking about bad parenting and actually deciding not to parent"
No, you can’t. It’s reprehensible. |
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"I’m talking like, you know you’re a parent and you are bad at it. In whatever way you want to interpret that. I know we’re not perfect I’m not saying that. I’m talking about bad parenting and actually deciding not to parent
I do this for a living. I’m not sure I have met many truly evil people. Generally most parents love their children and try to give them what they need but their own terrible experiences of being parented often gets in the way of their good intentions. "
This. Completely agree.
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Cor blimey! The Fab horse is higher than the Trojan horse lately!  |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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I know people who are great with me & others, but very neglectful parents in how they allow their children to behave, & I don't mean poor manners, I mean criminality.
I would wager that no parent who is bad or neglectful knows that they are, because they can't self reflect. |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"I’m talking like, you know you’re a parent and you are bad at it. In whatever way you want to interpret that. I know we’re not perfect I’m not saying that. I’m talking about bad parenting and actually deciding not to parent
I do this for a living. I’m not sure I have met many truly evil people. Generally most parents love their children and try to give them what they need but their own terrible experiences of being parented often gets in the way of their good intentions. "
This. Trauma can pass through generations but most parents are doing their best  |
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There are cases where the only way a parent can provide for a child is to work away and send money. In extreme cases, the parent might never see the child again, but work themselves to death in order to allow a better life for their child. In Les Miserables, Fantine has to leave her child Cosette with others, she works so that Cosette can live, and ultimately dies without seeing her child again. Was Fantine a bad mother? Victor Hugo based his characters on the lives of the people he was surrounded with in his society; unfortunately in our "modern" society there are still people across the world caught in similar or even worse circumstances. |
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Neither of my parents are good parents. But my father was significantly worse. Though I do understand some of the reasons of why he was the way he was, I just can't get around to thinking he's a good person towards me. I do appreciate though to others he is a good person. It's complex but it's something I accept these days. |
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By *sWyldWoman 37 weeks ago
Edinburgh |
I've not read all the comments but I will say most good parents feel like they are failing /bad/not good enough /carry guilt for things they can't help
And the fact they do makes them far better than the ones who think they are brilliant.
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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"All other issues aside, if you bring children into the world and have everything necessary to be a good parent but you don’t give a shit, you’re not a good person. "
My thoughts are the same. But also I think sometimes we’ve got shit but we still show up and do our best. If you don’t, are you a bad person? Idk. Are you a good person? Imo no |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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"Neither of my parents are good parents. But my father was significantly worse. Though I do understand some of the reasons of why he was the way he was, I just can't get around to thinking he's a good person towards me. I do appreciate though to others he is a good person. It's complex but it's something I accept these days. "
I think this is a lot of the point the person was making actually. |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"I've not read all the comments but I will say most good parents feel like they are failing /bad/not good enough /carry guilt for things they can't help
And the fact they do makes them far better than the ones who think they are brilliant.
"
This |
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By *ermbiMan 37 weeks ago
Ballyshannon |
"Yes you could be absent parent and be a good person
Maybe the other person never told you you were a parent to start with for what ever reason they had
That isn’t they fault for not being apart off that life as they didn’t know
They may have even heard rooms though the years and questioned the person on it
And they still denied that it was true
I'd say a person in that situation isn't a parent.
No, they're definitely still a parent. Men need to understand that they don't get to shed parental responsibility."
Same can be said for women. Some walk away too |
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"Neither of my parents are good parents. But my father was significantly worse. Though I do understand some of the reasons of why he was the way he was, I just can't get around to thinking he's a good person towards me. I do appreciate though to others he is a good person. It's complex but it's something I accept these days.
I think this is a lot of the point the person was making actually. "
Then I can understand it, it's a way of dealing with immense trauma. Sometimes you've got to accept that humans are complex and that you can't always understand someone's actions. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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"Neither of my parents are good parents. But my father was significantly worse. Though I do understand some of the reasons of why he was the way he was, I just can't get around to thinking he's a good person towards me. I do appreciate though to others he is a good person. It's complex but it's something I accept these days.
I think this is a lot of the point the person was making actually.
Then I can understand it, it's a way of dealing with immense trauma. Sometimes you've got to accept that humans are complex and that you can't always understand someone's actions. "
It was Jada Pinkett Smith. So it being a trauma response makes sense. |
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"Neither of my parents are good parents. But my father was significantly worse. Though I do understand some of the reasons of why he was the way he was, I just can't get around to thinking he's a good person towards me. I do appreciate though to others he is a good person. It's complex but it's something I accept these days.
I think this is a lot of the point the person was making actually.
Then I can understand it, it's a way of dealing with immense trauma. Sometimes you've got to accept that humans are complex and that you can't always understand someone's actions.
It was Jada Pinkett Smith. So it being a trauma response makes sense. "
Does indeed. You can't justify the unjustifiable. So you have to reason it out somehow in your brain in order to move on from it. You've got to move on from why did they do that to me, but are lovely to them. What did I do wrong? And it ends up with a million and one questions on the whys. Which you need to stop else you'll end up in very dark places. So this is one way of dealing with it. |
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Humans are complex but from experience absent parents are normally selfish hence why they are absent.
Children take so much responsibility / time / love / patience and generally those that don't want to stick around won't because they don't want to put them first, so I suppose what I'm saying is I wouldn't want to be on a desert island with them.
(Not including mental health / divorce / toxic relationships etc) |
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By *orny PTMan 37 weeks ago
Peterborough |
"Yes you could be absent parent and be a good person
Maybe the other person never told you you were a parent to start with for what ever reason they had
That isn’t they fault for not being apart off that life as they didn’t know
They may have even heard rooms though the years and questioned the person on it
And they still denied that it was true
I'd say a person in that situation isn't a parent.
No, they're definitely still a parent. Men need to understand that they don't get to shed parental responsibility.
Same can be said for women. Some walk away too"
That's so true. I know one woman, who did walk out on her family. I also know man who walked out of his family too. |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"Yes you could be absent parent and be a good person
Maybe the other person never told you you were a parent to start with for what ever reason they had
That isn’t they fault for not being apart off that life as they didn’t know
They may have even heard rooms though the years and questioned the person on it
And they still denied that it was true
I'd say a person in that situation isn't a parent.
No, they're definitely still a parent. Men need to understand that they don't get to shed parental responsibility."
Never one to miss an opportunity to pounce on the bastard men
I'd agree with the sentiment... but if you'd properly read the post I was replying to you might have considered that the man in question had never been told he was a father. How can a person parent a child they never knew they had? |
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Absolutely if you're able to and given a chance to and choose not to be there for your child you're scum. I do believe we Learn a lot as humans along the way of life I always believed I was an amazing dad but these last 4 years personally I've actually become an even better dad wich I didn't think was actually possible wich probes I wasn't an amazing dad originally like I said we learn all the time though kids deserve the best you |
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My Dad, was emotionally unavailable for me and my siblings, did it scar me absolutely it did, but he is a good man, and only had to give me what he given, or shown, so it then comes down to Inter-generational messages, teachings, beliefs, values and morals. Which were imprinted on me. That being said these are not mine to carry, but to go and find my own...
Mr |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"Don't have children unless you have emotional maturity and the financial means to give them a decent life.
A child is a lifelong commitment anything less is irresponsible and there are too many tragic that prove too many people are not fit to be parents and I see it all the time in my work.
Neglecting your children makes you a bad person in my book.
Recognising that you not parent material and avoiding having a child makes you a better person recognising your limits."
This is why I kept fighting to be sterilised and was only offered it after an abortion at 37 caused me to have a psychotic breakdown - I KNEW I couldn’t parent as someone with a
Mental illness yet I was always denied sterilisation incase I “wasn’t thinking straight” or changed my mind.
I ripped the gyno a new one and said DOES THIS SHOW YOU I NEED STERILISING NOW
And finally got it.
Women with mental illnesses are still not given body autonomy - I always knew I couldn’t parent and didn’t want to ever end up needed
To make that decision but I still made it.
DONT HAVE KIDS IF YOURE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR VERY BEST FOR THEM! |
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"Don't have children unless you have emotional maturity and the financial means to give them a decent life.
A child is a lifelong commitment anything less is irresponsible and there are too many tragic that prove too many people are not fit to be parents and I see it all the time in my work.
Neglecting your children makes you a bad person in my book.
Recognising that you not parent material and avoiding having a child makes you a better person recognising your limits.
This is why I kept fighting to be sterilised and was only offered it after an abortion at 37 caused me to have a psychotic breakdown - I KNEW I couldn’t parent as someone with a
Mental illness yet I was always denied sterilisation incase I “wasn’t thinking straight” or changed my mind.
I ripped the gyno a new one and said DOES THIS SHOW YOU I NEED STERILISING NOW
And finally got it.
Women with mental illnesses are still not given body autonomy - I always knew I couldn’t parent and didn’t want to ever end up needed
To make that decision but I still made it.
DONT HAVE KIDS IF YOURE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR VERY BEST FOR THEM! "
Quite a lot of men who know they don't want kids are also denied sterilisation before a certain age. I know a guy in his late 20s who is adamant he never wants children but no-one, not even privately, will do a vasectomy.
It's obscene that people are not able to make decisions about their bodily autonomy. I've been fighting for a hysterectomy for years, for a different reason but I'm given the same crap about wanting more children blah blah. |
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"Don't have children unless you have emotional maturity and the financial means to give them a decent life.
A child is a lifelong commitment anything less is irresponsible and there are too many tragic that prove too many people are not fit to be parents and I see it all the time in my work.
Neglecting your children makes you a bad person in my book.
Recognising that you not parent material and avoiding having a child makes you a better person recognising your limits.
This is why I kept fighting to be sterilised and was only offered it after an abortion at 37 caused me to have a psychotic breakdown - I KNEW I couldn’t parent as someone with a
Mental illness yet I was always denied sterilisation incase I “wasn’t thinking straight” or changed my mind.
I ripped the gyno a new one and said DOES THIS SHOW YOU I NEED STERILISING NOW
And finally got it.
Women with mental illnesses are still not given body autonomy - I always knew I couldn’t parent and didn’t want to ever end up needed
To make that decision but I still made it.
DONT HAVE KIDS IF YOURE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR VERY BEST FOR THEM!
Quite a lot of men who know they don't want kids are also denied sterilisation before a certain age. I know a guy in his late 20s who is adamant he never wants children but no-one, not even privately, will do a vasectomy.
It's obscene that people are not able to make decisions about their bodily autonomy. I've been fighting for a hysterectomy for years, for a different reason but I'm given the same crap about wanting more children blah blah."
I knew a woman in her very early thirties with progressive multiple sclerosis. She couldn't walk and needed personal care. The indignity she felt at having someone deal with her periods led her to ask for a hysterectomy . She was refused because what if they suddenly find a cure for ms. This was 15 years ago. |
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I may get some angry comments due to my personal opinion, but whatever ends up happening will happen.
Yes, a person can appear to the world as a good person, performing kind acts to people they know as well as strangers on the street. They can do everything that would define them as a good person. But ultimately, if they are also a bad/absent parent, it is simply a mask they wear. A person's worth can be defined by how they interact with children as well as the elderly, regardless of if they are related or not. If an individual (there is no difference whether they are a man or women (let's not get bogged down on details like pronouns, gender identity etc, I'm stating this at a base level of men and women)) is kind, caring, considerate and has time to just stop, even if it's just to talk to a child or an old person for a few minutes, that is someone's who is ultimately a good person at heart (before anyone says, I'm talking under the assumption that they are not talking to a child/old person with sinister motives being involved). If someone can't even make time for their own child, unwilling to step up and provide for their child and help raise it etc, I am unable to ever see them as a good person regardless of how they act otherwise |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"Don't have children unless you have emotional maturity and the financial means to give them a decent life.
A child is a lifelong commitment anything less is irresponsible and there are too many tragic that prove too many people are not fit to be parents and I see it all the time in my work.
Neglecting your children makes you a bad person in my book.
Recognising that you not parent material and avoiding having a child makes you a better person recognising your limits.
This is why I kept fighting to be sterilised and was only offered it after an abortion at 37 caused me to have a psychotic breakdown - I KNEW I couldn’t parent as someone with a
Mental illness yet I was always denied sterilisation incase I “wasn’t thinking straight” or changed my mind.
I ripped the gyno a new one and said DOES THIS SHOW YOU I NEED STERILISING NOW
And finally got it.
Women with mental illnesses are still not given body autonomy - I always knew I couldn’t parent and didn’t want to ever end up needed
To make that decision but I still made it.
DONT HAVE KIDS IF YOURE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR VERY BEST FOR THEM!
Quite a lot of men who know they don't want kids are also denied sterilisation before a certain age. I know a guy in his late 20s who is adamant he never wants children but no-one, not even privately, will do a vasectomy.
It's obscene that people are not able to make decisions about their bodily autonomy. I've been fighting for a hysterectomy for years, for a different reason but I'm given the same crap about wanting more children blah blah."
Well I didn’t know that! My uncle was given a vasectomy at 21 and my step dad had one at 25! I’ve been misled by a small minority.
Plus aren’t vasectomies reversible? You have to pay but it’s not forever like tying tubes.
I’ve been denied hysterectomy too. Countless times. I had to get tubal litigation instead. I agree - my body my rules. Said I’d sign a waiver & they could have a psych to assess I was of sound mind. Still wouldn’t do it incase of fallout |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"Don't have children unless you have emotional maturity and the financial means to give them a decent life.
A child is a lifelong commitment anything less is irresponsible and there are too many tragic that prove too many people are not fit to be parents and I see it all the time in my work.
Neglecting your children makes you a bad person in my book.
Recognising that you not parent material and avoiding having a child makes you a better person recognising your limits.
This is why I kept fighting to be sterilised and was only offered it after an abortion at 37 caused me to have a psychotic breakdown - I KNEW I couldn’t parent as someone with a
Mental illness yet I was always denied sterilisation incase I “wasn’t thinking straight” or changed my mind.
I ripped the gyno a new one and said DOES THIS SHOW YOU I NEED STERILISING NOW
And finally got it.
Women with mental illnesses are still not given body autonomy - I always knew I couldn’t parent and didn’t want to ever end up needed
To make that decision but I still made it.
DONT HAVE KIDS IF YOURE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR VERY BEST FOR THEM!
Quite a lot of men who know they don't want kids are also denied sterilisation before a certain age. I know a guy in his late 20s who is adamant he never wants children but no-one, not even privately, will do a vasectomy.
It's obscene that people are not able to make decisions about their bodily autonomy. I've been fighting for a hysterectomy for years, for a different reason but I'm given the same crap about wanting more children blah blah.
I knew a woman in her very early thirties with progressive multiple sclerosis. She couldn't walk and needed personal care. The indignity she felt at having someone deal with her periods led her to ask for a hysterectomy . She was refused because what if they suddenly find a cure for ms. This was 15 years ago. "
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! |
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"Don't have children unless you have emotional maturity and the financial means to give them a decent life.
A child is a lifelong commitment anything less is irresponsible and there are too many tragic that prove too many people are not fit to be parents and I see it all the time in my work.
Neglecting your children makes you a bad person in my book.
Recognising that you not parent material and avoiding having a child makes you a better person recognising your limits.
This is why I kept fighting to be sterilised and was only offered it after an abortion at 37 caused me to have a psychotic breakdown - I KNEW I couldn’t parent as someone with a
Mental illness yet I was always denied sterilisation incase I “wasn’t thinking straight” or changed my mind.
I ripped the gyno a new one and said DOES THIS SHOW YOU I NEED STERILISING NOW
And finally got it.
Women with mental illnesses are still not given body autonomy - I always knew I couldn’t parent and didn’t want to ever end up needed
To make that decision but I still made it.
DONT HAVE KIDS IF YOURE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR VERY BEST FOR THEM!
Quite a lot of men who know they don't want kids are also denied sterilisation before a certain age. I know a guy in his late 20s who is adamant he never wants children but no-one, not even privately, will do a vasectomy.
It's obscene that people are not able to make decisions about their bodily autonomy. I've been fighting for a hysterectomy for years, for a different reason but I'm given the same crap about wanting more children blah blah.
I knew a woman in her very early thirties with progressive multiple sclerosis. She couldn't walk and needed personal care. The indignity she felt at having someone deal with her periods led her to ask for a hysterectomy . She was refused because what if they suddenly find a cure for ms. This was 15 years ago.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! "
Barbaric isn't it. Suffer woman because possible reproduction is more important than your mental health.
The alternative was to give her a mirena coil under general anaesthetic. |
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"Don't have children unless you have emotional maturity and the financial means to give them a decent life.
A child is a lifelong commitment anything less is irresponsible and there are too many tragic that prove too many people are not fit to be parents and I see it all the time in my work.
Neglecting your children makes you a bad person in my book.
Recognising that you not parent material and avoiding having a child makes you a better person recognising your limits.
This is why I kept fighting to be sterilised and was only offered it after an abortion at 37 caused me to have a psychotic breakdown - I KNEW I couldn’t parent as someone with a
Mental illness yet I was always denied sterilisation incase I “wasn’t thinking straight” or changed my mind.
I ripped the gyno a new one and said DOES THIS SHOW YOU I NEED STERILISING NOW
And finally got it.
Women with mental illnesses are still not given body autonomy - I always knew I couldn’t parent and didn’t want to ever end up needed
To make that decision but I still made it.
DONT HAVE KIDS IF YOURE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR VERY BEST FOR THEM!
Quite a lot of men who know they don't want kids are also denied sterilisation before a certain age. I know a guy in his late 20s who is adamant he never wants children but no-one, not even privately, will do a vasectomy.
It's obscene that people are not able to make decisions about their bodily autonomy. I've been fighting for a hysterectomy for years, for a different reason but I'm given the same crap about wanting more children blah blah.
Well I didn’t know that! My uncle was given a vasectomy at 21 and my step dad had one at 25! I’ve been misled by a small minority.
Plus aren’t vasectomies reversible? You have to pay but it’s not forever like tying tubes.
I’ve been denied hysterectomy too. Countless times. I had to get tubal litigation instead. I agree - my body my rules. Said I’d sign a waiver & they could have a psych to assess I was of sound mind. Still wouldn’t do it incase of fallout "
Vasectomy reversals aren't 100% guaranteed. |
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"Don't have children unless you have emotional maturity and the financial means to give them a decent life.
A child is a lifelong commitment anything less is irresponsible and there are too many tragic that prove too many people are not fit to be parents and I see it all the time in my work.
Neglecting your children makes you a bad person in my book.
Recognising that you not parent material and avoiding having a child makes you a better person recognising your limits.
This is why I kept fighting to be sterilised and was only offered it after an abortion at 37 caused me to have a psychotic breakdown - I KNEW I couldn’t parent as someone with a
Mental illness yet I was always denied sterilisation incase I “wasn’t thinking straight” or changed my mind.
I ripped the gyno a new one and said DOES THIS SHOW YOU I NEED STERILISING NOW
And finally got it.
Women with mental illnesses are still not given body autonomy - I always knew I couldn’t parent and didn’t want to ever end up needed
To make that decision but I still made it.
DONT HAVE KIDS IF YOURE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR VERY BEST FOR THEM!
Quite a lot of men who know they don't want kids are also denied sterilisation before a certain age. I know a guy in his late 20s who is adamant he never wants children but no-one, not even privately, will do a vasectomy.
It's obscene that people are not able to make decisions about their bodily autonomy. I've been fighting for a hysterectomy for years, for a different reason but I'm given the same crap about wanting more children blah blah.
I knew a woman in her very early thirties with progressive multiple sclerosis. She couldn't walk and needed personal care. The indignity she felt at having someone deal with her periods led her to ask for a hysterectomy . She was refused because what if they suddenly find a cure for ms. This was 15 years ago.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
Barbaric isn't it. Suffer woman because possible reproduction is more important than your mental health.
The alternative was to give her a mirena coil under general anaesthetic. "
Disabled people do The Sex?! You're having me on!
*Faints* |
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I have a step child that as not heard or seen real dad since before school age . I cannot adopt said teenager as the dad needs to give permission . He does not pay anything never as.
Never even been in contract to ask how they are but in law still have parental rights could just turn up and have say in school or other things. I know teenager struggles and goes between calling me dad or by my first name. I just say I am who ever you want to call me. |
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"
Barbaric isn't it. Suffer woman because possible reproduction is more important than your mental health.
The alternative was to give her a mirena coil under general anaesthetic.
Disabled people do The Sex?! You're having me on!
*Faints*"
She was at the stage of needing 24/7 care and lived with her parents. Her mum died. I know that none of those things are a barrier to having sex necessarily but she wasn't she just wanted one shred of dignity left where her periods were concerned. But no, the vanishingly tiny likelihood that an overnight cure for MS might happen meant that she was denied a hysterectomy. If they'd cited medical concerns she might have understood.
Anyway this whole thing is off topic and I've derailed enough. |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
|
"
Barbaric isn't it. Suffer woman because possible reproduction is more important than your mental health.
The alternative was to give her a mirena coil under general anaesthetic.
Disabled people do The Sex?! You're having me on!
*Faints*
She was at the stage of needing 24/7 care and lived with her parents. Her mum died. I know that none of those things are a barrier to having sex necessarily but she wasn't she just wanted one shred of dignity left where her periods were concerned. But no, the vanishingly tiny likelihood that an overnight cure for MS might happen meant that she was denied a hysterectomy. If they'd cited medical concerns she might have understood.
Anyway this whole thing is off topic and I've derailed enough."
I liked the derailment personally made me
Feel a little less alone in my predicament.
Very glad I’ve had it now though and VERY glad I didn’t have kids.
Since being a child I’ve NEVER understood how people can have children that they don’t want or know they can’t look after BUT I admit -
I see
Things differently than most! |
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By *orny PTMan 37 weeks ago
Peterborough |
"Recognising that you not parent material and avoiding having a child makes you a better person recognising your limits.
"
Thanks. that describes me perfectly and every pet owner that gets their dog or cat's reproductive bits deactivated. No one ever said that you'r a bad person for preventing un-wanted litters, did they?
We need to label people properly
Childless=without out child(ren) and unhappy
Child free= without child(ren) and very happy
Not the same thing!
If you don't understand this, then answer this question: what's the difference between a non smoker and an ex smoker?
Answer: one group learnt the hard way and the other used other peoples' hindsight and that's my point.
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"I have a step child that as not heard or seen real dad since before school age . I cannot adopt said teenager as the dad needs to give permission . He does not pay anything never as.
Never even been in contract to ask how they are but in law still have parental rights could just turn up and have say in school or other things. I know teenager struggles and goes between calling me dad or by my first name. I just say I am who ever you want to call me. "
I take my hat off to you mate. Anyone can produce a child, it takes a real man to be a father. And even bigger man is one who steps up and raises a child he didn't create as if they were his own |
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"I’m talking like, you know you’re a parent and you are bad at it. In whatever way you want to interpret that. I know we’re not perfect I’m not saying that. I’m talking about bad parenting and actually deciding not to parent"
People aren’t all good or all bad. It’s not an exam, there is no pass / fail. People can be brilliant in some areas of their lives and shite in others.
Not quite sure what “deciding not to parent” means. Perhaps you can explain. |
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