Oh OP, I sympathise. I’m in a very similar position, albeit I have only been seeing my new partner for two months. Clearly it’s still new and could falter at anytime, especially considering my dating history haha. But I’m feeling very positive about this one. Whilst we haven’t discussed it at all, I can just tell she would have no interest in the lifestyle. In fact I feel it would probably be a huge turn off for her.
I’ve enjoyed reading all the points of view above. They are interesting, relevant, respectful and helpful. That being said some of them feel transactional insofar as the authors aren’t in the same position as you and can’t truly feel the dilemma. So I get things are difficult for you.
As I see it there are three options:
1) Tell her and see what happens
2) Don’t tell her but come off the site
3) Don’t tell her but stay on the site
With option one, you unburden yourself of any guilt associated with the lack of total transparency. I’ve deliberately avoided the word deceit/dishonesty. You get to open up about your feelings, your strong connection with swinging, try to explain the social side and open up a conversation about the possibility of keeping your friendships on here.
Obviously it could go one of two ways. Chances are it’ll blow up into an argument initially, regardless. Then she may decide to walk away. I don’t know how strong or long your relationship is, whether it could withstand such pressure. Her decision will likely come down to the strength of her feelings for you versus her morals on the subject at hand.
If she stays it could also go two ways - she gives you an ultimatum of coming off fab. Are you prepared to do that for her? It may be black and white in her mind.
Or she may be okay with you carrying on. You could consider showing her your account, the forum posts you have made, be completely open about your motivation and try to illustrate the social side of this lifestyle. We all get it and totally accept it because we are part of it and approve of every aspect - the rude, the sexy, the silly, the abstract etc. She may struggle to separate the social aspect from the assumption we’re all permanently knobbing. You could include her in the fact you’re chatting and going to pubs for socials, to assure her of the innocence.
Option two is what I’m likely to do. Now I know my relationship has legs, I will take a hiatus (potentially permanently) but I will fill my life with non-fab stuff, including lots of days and nights out with her, hobbies and working hard.
Option three is risky. It may appear on the surface you get the best of both worlds. But imagine the moment she calls you on something you say or do, or otherwise finds out. Imagine how utterly crestfallen she will be that you have a whole other life about which she had no clue. I’d say she is likely to feel you have led a double life, not included her and been deceitful. I also expect she’ll assume she’s only uncovered the innocent aspect - the chit chat and socials. But she’ll assume there is so much more to it which you have been hiding. That may well be enough to break her and your relationship.
So much to consider and, like I said, I get this isn’t an easy or transactional decision to make. Especially if you have friends in this lifestyle and feel it is part of who you are.
I suppose it’s going to come down to a judgment call for you based on what you know and what you think; what’s most important to you in life.
I don’t envy you that choice. For me it’s easy: I love fab and my friends. I’ve had an amazing time and met some special people but I will leave soon.
I wish you the best of luck in working through this. |
I have never cheated on her, all my Fab meets have been social meets, but this has been playing on my mind a lot lately. Should I fess up?
Fab makes me so happy, I feel it's a part of me that I dont want to let go, but I love her so much and the thought of losing her is destroying me 
Best of luck 
K
