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Why is forgiving people so hard?
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By (user no longer on site) OP 45 weeks ago
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It’s like… sometimes I find it really easy. With some people I find it really tough.
I think parents and family are the hardest to forgive. But there are some close seconds to them. |
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By *bi HaiveMan 45 weeks ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"Because sometimes you don’t get to a point of feeling there’s been mutual understanding first or acceptance and that feels unjust.
"
Sometimes it's hard depending on why you'd need to forgive someone.
First you need understanding and closure.
If you lack that it can be nigh on impossible. |
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By *stellaWoman 45 weeks ago
London |
"It’s like… sometimes I find it really easy. With some people I find it really tough.
I think parents and family are the hardest to forgive. But there are some close seconds to them. "
Also, I guess with family you have this expectation that simply put they *should* be on your team, like it’s a given, I think it’s important to remember they’re people in their own right and in life it might end up being easier if we were able to not have any expectations and just work with people where they’re at. Again it’s that feeling of injustice. |
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Steve,
Funny you should mention this, but I was listening to something on the radio this morning that was saying with social media algorithms ‘outrage’ is the most valuable commodity and has overtaken ‘sex sells’.
Because anger and outrage sell forgiveness and understanding are being driven out of modern life. |
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"It’s like… sometimes I find it really easy. With some people I find it really tough.
I think parents and family are the hardest to forgive. But there are some close seconds to them. "
When it's family, it's because the betrayal is so much more visceral. Family are supposed to look after us, care for us, love us, comfort us. If family don't do that, how on Earth can we trust anyone else to? If the people closest to us can't be trusted, how can we trust at all?
I hear you loud and clear, guapo  |
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By (user no longer on site) 45 weeks ago
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"Because sometimes you don’t get to a point of feeling there’s been mutual understanding first or acceptance and that feels unjust.
Sometimes it's hard depending on why you'd need to forgive someone.
First you need understanding and closure.
If you lack that it can be nigh on impossible. "
This, and this is the hard part, working past your pain to get to the point of understanding is something else.
Closure is all well and good if you can get it. Otherwise there's a whole exercise of letting go and that can be bloody hard too. |
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By (user no longer on site) 45 weeks ago
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"It’s like… sometimes I find it really easy. With some people I find it really tough.
I think parents and family are the hardest to forgive. But there are some close seconds to them.
When it's family, it's because the betrayal is so much more visceral. Family are supposed to look after us, care for us, love us, comfort us. If family don't do that, how on Earth can we trust anyone else to? If the people closest to us can't be trusted, how can we trust at all?
I hear you loud and clear, guapo "
This, and I hear it too. |
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"If you struggle to forgive someone, don’t ask if they deserve to be forgiven ask yourself if you deserve peace. Then it’s much easier. "
There is a Lily Tomlin quote: “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” which seems apt here. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 45 weeks ago
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"If you struggle to forgive someone, don’t ask if they deserve to be forgiven ask yourself if you deserve peace. Then it’s much easier.
There is a Lily Tomlin quote: “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” which seems apt here."
that’s so something she would say. |
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Forgiving someone can release you from the angry hurtful thoughts you may have towards them..it sets you free too. Shows you have a strong character..you put your pride aside which is very noble..here ending my sermon ! |
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By (user no longer on site) 45 weeks ago
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"If you struggle to forgive someone, don’t ask if they deserve to be forgiven ask yourself if you deserve peace. Then it’s much easier.
There is a Lily Tomlin quote: “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” which seems apt here."
There is a Glowupdoll quote: “may bumgravy coat the roast potatoes of the unforgiving miscreant”.
It’s not popular. |
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By *ullyMan 45 weeks ago
Near Clacton |
Depends on what is to be forgiven, if it's a personal transgression I think it's harder to forgive but if it's just being turned down say on here it goes with the scene. Cancelled meets, or time wasters a plenty on here so I don't let it worry me, they don't get a second chance. |
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By (user no longer on site) 45 weeks ago
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In some cases I don't think it's necessary to forgive in order to move on from the hurt. Accepting what happened doesn't mean having to say you were OK with it, especially if the person responsible won't own it, but it does mean you are no longer hurting yourself with anguish and bitterness. |
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By (user no longer on site) 45 weeks ago
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"In some cases I don't think it's necessary to forgive in order to move on from the hurt. Accepting what happened doesn't mean having to say you were OK with it, especially if the person responsible won't own it, but it does mean you are no longer hurting yourself with anguish and bitterness."
This is very true….you can m or forward and ‘let them’ without it affecting you as much |
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Because it means accepting what they did to you. Staying angry feels like you still have some agency over the situation. Forgiving means abandoning that illusion. But it also sets you free.
Mrs TMN x |
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"In some cases I don't think it's necessary to forgive in order to move on from the hurt. Accepting what happened doesn't mean having to say you were OK with it, especially if the person responsible won't own it, but it does mean you are no longer hurting yourself with anguish and bitterness."
I absolutely agree. There are a couple of things I will never forgive but I harbour no anger or bitterness about them |
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I am perfectly at peace with my decision not to forgive certain things. I harbour no bitterness and am able to leave things in the past, acknowledge that they were bad and that often the person who did them wasn't wholly bad but that particular action was unforgivable.
I honestly think that telling people that forgiving is good for them can sometimes belittle their experiences and put them in a position where they feel that they need to move forward when they aren't ready |
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By *stellaWoman 45 weeks ago
London |
"I am perfectly at peace with my decision not to forgive certain things. I harbour no bitterness and am able to leave things in the past, acknowledge that they were bad and that often the person who did them wasn't wholly bad but that particular action was unforgivable.
I honestly think that telling people that forgiving is good for them can sometimes belittle their experiences and put them in a position where they feel that they need to move forward when they aren't ready "
That’s a really good point - I’m gonna think about that a lot re a particular situation I have. Thanks. |
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Who decided we have to forgive?
My nemesis is a security guard at Sainsburys who took a tone with me 4 years ago. Very uncalled for. Have I forgiven him? No. Has he completely forgotten me and smiles at me everytime I go in like he dies with all the other customers? Yes. Does that fill me with rage I’m the only one whos taking our nemesiship seriously? Also yes. |
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Some things people have done I can't and won't forgive. But I'm at peace with how I've dealt with these people. I don't believe that you must forgive and forget to move on with life. Think sometimes that mentality prevents many from moving on. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 45 weeks ago
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"Who decided we have to forgive?
My nemesis is a security guard at Sainsburys who took a tone with me 4 years ago. Very uncalled for. Have I forgiven him? No. Has he completely forgotten me and smiles at me everytime I go in like he dies with all the other customers? Yes. Does that fill me with rage I’m the only one whos taking our nemesiship seriously? Also yes. "
Jamie, babe, charge it to the game. |
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I think it boils down to what motivated them to wrong us. On one end, it's an honest mistake which is easiest to forgive. On the other end, someone did something just to spite you, which is the hardest to forgive.
In between, there are cases where they had to let you down to achieve their personal goals or they were put in a moral dilemma where it's you or someone else. These cases can be forgiven if we try to think from their perspective. Sometimes you can forgive them, but your relationship is never same as before. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 45 weeks ago
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"Because they never acknowledge how wrong they always are!"
Do you know what’s terrible? Actually one of the people has. And said sorry. But my brain just won’t forgive. I dunno what to do.
The rest haven’t and fuck them for that.  |
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By *phroditeWoman 45 weeks ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Not being able to forgive (no judgment on anybody who struggles here) also means always carrying the negative feelings with you - thinking how that could weight me down I think it is easier to forgive (not necessarily forget) and move on? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 45 weeks ago
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"Not being able to forgive (no judgment on anybody who struggles here) also means always carrying the negative feelings with you - thinking how that could weight me down I think it is easier to forgive (not necessarily forget) and move on? "
I agree that it’s easier to forgive. I want to forgive. |
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"Not being able to forgive (no judgment on anybody who struggles here) also means always carrying the negative feelings with you - thinking how that could weight me down I think it is easier to forgive (not necessarily forget) and move on? "
I don't carry negative feelings with me. I haven't forgiven certain things and never will. The only time I ever think about them is when the subject of forgiving or not comes up. I think of it as having made a positive decision and then leaving it in the past |
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"Not being able to forgive (no judgment on anybody who struggles here) also means always carrying the negative feelings with you - thinking how that could weight me down I think it is easier to forgive (not necessarily forget) and move on?
I agree that it’s easier to forgive. I want to forgive. "
why? |
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"Not being able to forgive (no judgment on anybody who struggles here) also means always carrying the negative feelings with you - thinking how that could weight me down I think it is easier to forgive (not necessarily forget) and move on? "
I understand your point of view but things like parental abuse I can't see how it is forgivable. You may understand the how's and why, but if it's something you'd never do it's incomprehensible. The pursuit of trying to forgive actually weighed me down more than anything. I've not forgiven nor forgotten, my acknowledgement that it'll never happen again was the biggest weight of my shoulders. Focusing my energy on the wrong place was detrimental to me. But I accept this isn't the way for everyone. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 45 weeks ago
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"Not being able to forgive (no judgment on anybody who struggles here) also means always carrying the negative feelings with you - thinking how that could weight me down I think it is easier to forgive (not necessarily forget) and move on?
I agree that it’s easier to forgive. I want to forgive.
why?"
Because I don’t like the weight of anger and negative feelings. That’s not to say everyone should forgive. But I think it would help me |
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"I think it boils down to what motivated them to wrong us. On one end, it's an honest mistake which is easiest to forgive. On the other end, someone did something just to spite you, which is the hardest to forgive. "
I actually love forgiving people who have actively gone out of their way to hurt me because it is the ultimate “fuck you” back to them. They took their best shot and it failed. |
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"Not being able to forgive (no judgment on anybody who struggles here) also means always carrying the negative feelings with you - thinking how that could weight me down I think it is easier to forgive (not necessarily forget) and move on?
I agree that it’s easier to forgive. I want to forgive.
why?
Because I don’t like the weight of anger and negative feelings. That’s not to say everyone should forgive. But I think it would help me "
fair enough if it would help you let go of the anger and negative feelings. |
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"Not being able to forgive (no judgment on anybody who struggles here) also means always carrying the negative feelings with you - thinking how that could weight me down I think it is easier to forgive (not necessarily forget) and move on?
I agree that it’s easier to forgive. I want to forgive. "
Just do it then. Make an active choice to say they don’t matter any more and you are done with it.
Forgiving, to me, doesn’t mean that you have to see them ever again - it just means that you have chosen to not let them or their actions define your life moving forward. |
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By *os19Man 45 weeks ago
Edmonton |
With certain family members whilst I have forgiven things that have happened in the past I have not forgotten and have as little as possible with some.With work there had been issues with one of my managers since 2015 with things totally deteriorating April 2022 I don’t expect things to improve in 2024 but that’s ok I am cool with the situation but I don’t think she is. |
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I found it very hard to forgive my father so we had a turbulent relationship. Although when he died we where on the best terms we had been on forever.
There was one person I reallynl hated. I really hated him and was always thinking of all the l bad things that could happen to him. It took many years but I forgave him. It helps I've never seen him for many years and am unlikely to.
Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting just means it's a weight of your shoulders |
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"Not being able to forgive (no judgment on anybody who struggles here) also means always carrying the negative feelings with you - thinking how that could weight me down I think it is easier to forgive (not necessarily forget) and move on?
I agree that it’s easier to forgive. I want to forgive.
why?
Because I don’t like the weight of anger and negative feelings. That’s not to say everyone should forgive. But I think it would help me "
Exactly. It doesn't mean that you condone the behavior or want to reconcile with the person. Dropping the resentment and anger to my abuser through forgiving, helped me close the book and move on. I was surprised at how long I had spent, with revenge and hate directed to them and how much it was exhausting and mind consuming for me. The day I said, "I don't need to hate you anymore" was such a release |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 45 weeks ago
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"Not being able to forgive (no judgment on anybody who struggles here) also means always carrying the negative feelings with you - thinking how that could weight me down I think it is easier to forgive (not necessarily forget) and move on?
I agree that it’s easier to forgive. I want to forgive.
why?
Because I don’t like the weight of anger and negative feelings. That’s not to say everyone should forgive. But I think it would help me
Exactly. It doesn't mean that you condone the behavior or want to reconcile with the person. Dropping the resentment and anger to my abuser through forgiving, helped me close the book and move on. I was surprised at how long I had spent, with revenge and hate directed to them and how much it was exhausting and mind consuming for me. The day I said, "I don't need to hate you anymore" was such a release "
yes |
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By (user no longer on site) 45 weeks ago
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"It’s like… sometimes I find it really easy. With some people I find it really tough.
I think parents and family are the hardest to forgive. But there are some close seconds to them. "
I think because you can walk away from most people, but its harder to walk away from family... And of all the people in the world, surely they are the fuckers who should know /appreciate you the best  |
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By (user no longer on site) 45 weeks ago
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If it's too hard then maybe you don't need to.
Someone did things to me and my loved ones and I'll never forgive them. I was happy they died a slow and painful death and I'm glad they are dead so they can't hurt anyone like that again. And I will never feel bad about feeling that way either.
Forgiveness is not always required. Not everyone deserves it. And it's not needed for peace or healing.
What we need is to accept it happened and the past can't change. That no apology could heal the damage even if you did get one. And focus on the future.
We keep lugging the past around trying to fix it when our energy is better spent imagining the future we want to live in and the version of us we want to be.
What we give our energy to grows. As someone who spent 10 years working with a therapist, who is now as emotionally healthy as I could have ever dreamed to be. Fuck forgiveness if they don't deserve it. Who is it for? Why do you want it? |
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"Because they never acknowledge how wrong they always are!
Do you know what’s terrible? Actually one of the people has. And said sorry. But my brain just won’t forgive. I dunno what to do.
The rest haven’t and fuck them for that. "
I don't think you should stress about that tbh. It's self preservation. You were hurt by someone and regardless of how genuine the apology, the experience left a mark. Just one of those things. It's on them to live with it, not you. |
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"It’s like… sometimes I find it really easy. With some people I find it really tough.
I think parents and family are the hardest to forgive. But there are some close seconds to them. "
It's ok, we forgive you for all the posts. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 45 weeks ago
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"It’s like… sometimes I find it really easy. With some people I find it really tough.
I think parents and family are the hardest to forgive. But there are some close seconds to them.
It's ok, we forgive you for all the posts."
I’m not sorry for them. So I’m glad you forgive me. Get ready to have to forgive me again. And again. And again.  |
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Interesting comments on here. As someone that is on the very lowest end of empathy/emotive scale I find the forgive: forget quite fascinating how it varies for people and seeking what some call inner peace I guess .
Myself my brain is wired to just expunge thought / feeling if you will from myself . If someone wrongs me it’s just that and I deem them as of no value as a human and crack on with my life . I can still interact with said persons if it’s of value to me and serves a need / purpose , until then I don’t register them .
I don’t believe you need forgive people but equally it doesn’t need to live rent free in your mind if it’s of no value / purpose |
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Forget about them even acknowledging or understanding it’s not required & unlikely with family. Think of it like shackles and a chain to that person and you are choosing to take the shackle off and release yourself, then they are gone….
Family is harder because once you forgive you generally have to deal with them in the same way and they likely carry on doing the same things. You need to put some boundaries in place like how much time and type of interactions you’re gonna give them. Unless they apologise & really mean it
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I think the real answer to this is that people do horrible stuff that they aren't sorry they've done, would likely do it again and forgiving them would give them (in their head) permission.
I tend to accept that for various reasons shit has happened caused by another person/people and I can dwell on it or move forward after an appropriate time of feeling aggrieved. Sometimes I can understand why those people did what they did and sometimes I can't but either way they don't take up space in my head. One thing I know for sure is if anyone did something to hurt my loved ones not even Jesus Christ himself would persuade me to forgive. Some things are unforgivable. |
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"Interesting comments on here. As someone that is on the very lowest end of empathy/emotive scale I find the forgive: forget quite fascinating how it varies for people and seeking what some call inner peace I guess .
Myself my brain is wired to just expunge thought / feeling if you will from myself . If someone wrongs me it’s just that and I deem them as of no value as a human and crack on with my life . I can still interact with said persons if it’s of value to me and serves a need / purpose , until then I don’t register them .
I don’t believe you need forgive people but equally it doesn’t need to live rent free in your mind if it’s of no value / purpose "
I’m similar to this. |
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