"How do you make it work if only one of the couple has luck finding partners and the other struggles?"
I've had a lot more encounters than my partner since we became enm. It hasn't been a problem, we're just happy each other can go and have a nice time if they want to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not keeping a scorecard helps. It's not a competition. It's simply the gift of freedom to explore opportunities. "
I imagine this is key. Counting the notches on the bedposts will never end well |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think part of being poly is knowing that this is a reality. And feeling Compersion for your partner enjoying themselves. And not settling or changing what you’re looking for. It might need reassurance and support. But being poly to me is not dependent on currently having other or multiple partners. It’s a feeling of who we are. That’s what’s important to remember I think |
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"Are they struggling because they have less opportunity due to differing working hours and childcare and stuff like that, or just because of their charisma?"
I think just because it's harder for men. |
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"I think part of being poly is knowing that this is a reality. And feeling Compersion for your partner enjoying themselves. And not settling or changing what you’re looking for. It might need reassurance and support. But being poly to me is not dependent on currently having other or multiple partners. It’s a feeling of who we are. That’s what’s important to remember I think"
This, totally. |
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"Are they struggling because they have less opportunity due to differing working hours and childcare and stuff like that, or just because of their charisma?
I think just because it's harder for men. "
Then that's just the realities of dating. One person having to limit themselves in ways the other doesn't just so they don't feel like they're outdoing them isn't healthy.
Generally building resentment or having scorecards is a sign that maybe poly isn't the right fit for someone. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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You don't have to feel compersion as a poly person. Honestly, it's perfectly fine if you don't. As long as you're not being a dick or constant wielding couple's privilege and preventing them from seeing another, it's all good.
It's not a competition. There are times when one person has more dates or is seeing more people. As long as they're not becoming polysaturated and it's not affecting your relationship negatively? It's okay. You don't have to be jumping with joy about the situation, you don't have to be sad. You can just be.
I think this is where clear and honest communication comes in to play. You should be able to voice any worries etc, however daft whilst also properly listening to another. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You don't have to feel compersion as a poly person. Honestly, it's perfectly fine if you don't. As long as you're not being a dick or constant wielding couple's privilege and preventing them from seeing another, it's all good.
It's not a competition. There are times when one person has more dates or is seeing more people. As long as they're not becoming polysaturated and it's not affecting your relationship negatively? It's okay. You don't have to be jumping with joy about the situation, you don't have to be sad. You can just be.
I think this is where clear and honest communication comes in to play. You should be able to voice any worries etc, however daft whilst also properly listening to another. "
The key is definitely communication. And definitely about expressing feelings without asking your partner to not see people or anything like that. It’s important to express these things.
I don’t think Compersion has to mean you’re jumping for joy though. And actually it doesn’t mean in this situation that I’m not frustrated about my own situation, I just would see it as being happy for your partner. And you don’t need that, no, but poly or monogamous or other, I think it’s important to feel happy for our partners being happy and recognising that it doesn’t mean that can’t also feel other things about our own situation in relation. If that even makes sense |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You don't have to feel compersion as a poly person. Honestly, it's perfectly fine if you don't. As long as you're not being a dick or constant wielding couple's privilege and preventing them from seeing another, it's all good.
It's not a competition. There are times when one person has more dates or is seeing more people. As long as they're not becoming polysaturated and it's not affecting your relationship negatively? It's okay. You don't have to be jumping with joy about the situation, you don't have to be sad. You can just be.
I think this is where clear and honest communication comes in to play. You should be able to voice any worries etc, however daft whilst also properly listening to another.
The key is definitely communication. And definitely about expressing feelings without asking your partner to not see people or anything like that. It’s important to express these things.
I don’t think Compersion has to mean you’re jumping for joy though. And actually it doesn’t mean in this situation that I’m not frustrated about my own situation, I just would see it as being happy for your partner. And you don’t need that, no, but poly or monogamous or other, I think it’s important to feel happy for our partners being happy and recognising that it doesn’t mean that can’t also feel other things about our own situation in relation. If that even makes sense "
It makes sense. It's possible to live with the duality. I think folks get tangled in black and white thinking and that they somehow have to choose which emotion that they are experiencing is 'correct'.
Being happy a partner is happy is what love is all about. At the same time you can feel some jealousy/resentment or other feels because you (naturally) would like to be having just as much fun and aren't. Both are OK.
Talking and listening and making sure both of your needs within the relationship are met is the priority. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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"You don't have to feel compersion as a poly person. Honestly, it's perfectly fine if you don't. As long as you're not being a dick or constant wielding couple's privilege and preventing them from seeing another, it's all good.
It's not a competition. There are times when one person has more dates or is seeing more people. As long as they're not becoming polysaturated and it's not affecting your relationship negatively? It's okay. You don't have to be jumping with joy about the situation, you don't have to be sad. You can just be.
I think this is where clear and honest communication comes in to play. You should be able to voice any worries etc, however daft whilst also properly listening to another.
The key is definitely communication. And definitely about expressing feelings without asking your partner to not see people or anything like that. It’s important to express these things.
I don’t think Compersion has to mean you’re jumping for joy though. And actually it doesn’t mean in this situation that I’m not frustrated about my own situation, I just would see it as being happy for your partner. And you don’t need that, no, but poly or monogamous or other, I think it’s important to feel happy for our partners being happy and recognising that it doesn’t mean that can’t also feel other things about our own situation in relation. If that even makes sense "
I don't think compersion means jumping for joy either... I was illustrating either side of the spectrum of feelings to show you don't have to respond in one way or another. It's more than acceptable to be happy with it, in that grey area between being unhappy and jumping with joy.
I think our emotions are so nuanced, so rich and understanding that and having that clear communication is vital. You can be okay without feeling compersion, that's valid.
I've had people before try and use compersion against me - when they've sent an unconsented to dick pic after we've finished, an erection they've got from having sex chat with another. When I've said I've not wanted to see it I've been told I'm not actually poly because if I was? I'd want to see it and be happy for them.
Fuck using compersion as a weapon. Compersion is great, of course it is. Communicating is far more important. |
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