FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Fabbers with bona fide BDSM/kink experience?
Fabbers with bona fide BDSM/kink experience?
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Evening Fabbers!
Whilst I appreciate this site caters primarily for the swinging community (I was able to carefully deduce that from the name Fab’swingers’) there are many females, and I’m sure males too, who also classify themselves as ‘kinky’. From my experience so far though, I’d say about 75% of those kinksters seek activities more akin to adventurous and experimental sex/dynamics (eg toys, some tying up, light spanking, roleplay etc), rather than more substantive BDSM, or similar, focused play with experienced and skilled counterparts….
The crux of my query is, are there (m)any women on here who (1) focus more on finding BDSM partners, and (2) have the skill and expertise to engage in these activities safely at deeper levels? Eg… more severe or intense impact play requires skill by the person administering it, so it’s not always the safest bet to try it with someone who only has only dabbled with whips and canes…
The driver of the query is that to usually find women with a penchant for BDSM play at more extreme levels, you’d perhaps have to approach a pro Domme (where the sex side of the fun is off the cards), or go on kink focused apps (which for the most part are pretty awful). Fab seems like the perfect place to have naughty fun, but finding women who are also experienced and skilled BDSM/kink lovers appears to be a narrow pool on here…
Any thoughts? Am I perhaps not going about my search the right way? |
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I greatly enjoy indulging in fairly heavy impact play. I've also branched out into needles and other things the past year.
I happened to fond someone on here who has been perfect for me in that area. But it's never been something I actively seek or advertise on a place like this. I need to evolve a dynamic and actually want to do those things with a specific individual before they're on the table at all.
Munches and kink events are better places to find people that may be that way inclined  |
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Interesting - out of curiosity, why have you chosen not to look for/advertise it on here - is it purely that you want it to evolve naturally later down the line, or are there other reasons that have dissuaded uou from doing so? |
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Yes they exist OP. The 2 worlds often overlap but not all the time. You may find it better on the other place beginning with F though to find exactly what you’re after. Or not. Sometimes it’s a matter of luck and as Prey said Munches and other kink events.
Good luck with your journey  |
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I've been seriously active in the BDSM scene for over 20 years, using psychological and edgeplay based BDSM. Incorporated race, religion, traditional gender roles, sexuality etc into my scenes.
My BDSM life and sex life are generally kept separate, and whilst I wouldn't specifically look for a sub here, there does seem to be enough of a serious cross over that I could seek to find someone with which I could combine the two. |
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I did used to have 2 options on my profile, vanilla or kinky, but finding the right kind of sub proved impossible, or the ones that volunteered themselves were just all talk and never followed through. So I gave up! |
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I have more success using another site which is geared specifically to the BDSM community and where I have found submissives (M or F).
.
FAB is too vanilla for that side of things (even if some profiles are not, ofc). Even the logo is a bit vanillery  |
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There are a few of us who seek endorphins at a deeper level, but finding the right sub is of utmost importance, connection is key and yes those connections can be found on fab, with a little patience |
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"Interesting - out of curiosity, why have you chosen not to look for/advertise it on here - is it purely that you want it to evolve naturally later down the line, or are there other reasons that have dissuaded uou from doing so?"
Because the last thing I ever need is Alpha Doms and Do Me Subs coming at me like I'm some sort of vending machine.
I've gotten involved with people who were clearly interested in that but we had a vanilla dynamic, and I've got involved with previously vanilla people and found I wanted to explore things with them. The connection and chemistry are far more important than the base drives. |
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I've been on the BDSM scene for over 20yrs and this is the last place I'd look for a kink play partner. If something were to evolve from a vanilla relationship then so be it.
Since being on here there have been several messages from men claiming to be Dom without understanding the weight that name carries which just makes them dangerous in my mind.
I'm not here to engage in someone else's fantasies when my sub is going to be used.
There are plenty of other websites which are bdsm focused where you can find a Dom or sub to play with.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Evening Fabbers!
Whilst I appreciate this site caters primarily for the swinging community (I was able to carefully deduce that from the name Fab’swingers’) there are many females, and I’m sure males too, who also classify themselves as ‘kinky’. From my experience so far though, I’d say about 75% of those kinksters seek activities more akin to adventurous and experimental sex/dynamics (eg toys, some tying up, light spanking, roleplay etc), rather than more substantive BDSM, or similar, focused play with experienced and skilled counterparts….
The crux of my query is, are there (m)any women on here who (1) focus more on finding BDSM partners, and (2) have the skill and expertise to engage in these activities safely at deeper levels? Eg… more severe or intense impact play requires skill by the person administering it, so it’s not always the safest bet to try it with someone who only has only dabbled with whips and canes…
The driver of the query is that to usually find women with a penchant for BDSM play at more extreme levels, you’d perhaps have to approach a pro Domme (where the sex side of the fun is off the cards), or go on kink focused apps (which for the most part are pretty awful). Fab seems like the perfect place to have naughty fun, but finding women who are also experienced and skilled BDSM/kink lovers appears to be a narrow pool on here…
Any thoughts? Am I perhaps not going about my search the right way? "
Well you have Fetlife which is the main one, it will be the same as here though, start from scratch, get to know people etc.
And you've got a kinky dating app called "fet" which is kinda like tinder, it's a bit dead up north, there a handful of people but the chat room is pretty active. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Everyone I've met from here was looking to explore similar kinks to me. Most have been just socials. One is now a sub of mine. I don't meet vanilla men for fast sex, and filtering out the alpha doms and fantasists is no different here than on any other site. They make themselves quite obvious anywhere.
You just may have more to choose from/filter through in other places.
Munches and events will always be the best place to meet fellow kinksters however. |
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"
Well you have Fetlife which is the main one, it will be the same as here though, start from scratch, get to know people etc.
And you've got a kinky dating app called "fet" which is kinda like tinder, it's a bit dead up north, there a handful of people but the chat room is pretty active."
Thanks - I have both already but FL is more akin to a f@cebo*k of kink, so not targeted at dating, and ‘fet’ is a mediocre app with a fair amount of timewasters/scammers…
Anything else out there you might recommend? |
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I tend to go to more fetish clubs these days than swinging clubs. I gravitated from the fetish scene to the swinging clubs a few years ago, when I found they’re Tgirl friendly. But now I enjoy going back to the old scene as I’m not that interested in sex but I do enjoy mild humiliation and bondage.
The only issue is some of the best places are quite far away and the girls I used to go with are no longer interested. |
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BDSM people are much rarer on here but they're around. It's the main thing I look for in a partner now.
I dated a pro domme for a while which was a lot of fun but my current partner of 9 years is very submissive and I'm really over being dominant in the bedroom.
Would love to have more heavy dungeon experiences, it's been a while. |
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I am sub but feel I lack real, deeper BDSM experience. I feel I have done surface level kink and I want to explore more deeply.
Like you, OP, I think my issue is finding the right partner - either to explore with or learn from. As others have said, there are plenty of “Doms” who are really only abusive or selfish people. I haven’t been to munchies since I was in my 20s and expect the scene has changed since then! So I’m rather piggie backing off your post to find tips for myself! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have some BDSM experience, but not looking on Fab for more. It seems fairly pointless, as with any vanilla site/app. I've met all of my play partners on kink sites.
F e e l d I've found to be quite good so far, mainly FetL people but FetL isn't a good way to find people if you don't attend events. |
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"I have some BDSM experience, but not looking on Fab for more. It seems fairly pointless, as with any vanilla site/app. I've met all of my play partners on kink sites.
F e e l d I've found to be quite good so far, mainly FetL people but FetL isn't a good way to find people if you don't attend events. "
feel d is ok but my feed is very soft indie people and not a lot of edge. Seems like the best way is to go to a bunch of fet events and start meeting people there. Been to a few munches but they are always heavily male attendance skewed |
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"
Anything else out there you might recommend?"
I think its been said a few times now but if you are wanting to dive down this rabbit hole I would use FL to find the munches and local play events, interact in local FL groups and start there. Make friends on the kink scene and learn from them, make more friends and learn from them too. The best of my knowledge and connections I have made in kink all came from face to face interactions at BDSM events and lab sessions so I would always recommend that over anything fab could offer. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"There are a few of us who seek endorphins at a deeper level, but finding the right sub is of utmost importance, connection is key and yes those connections can be found on fab, with a little patience "
I agree with this, most of my earlier BDSM interactions where from Fab or swinging.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have some BDSM experience, but not looking on Fab for more. It seems fairly pointless, as with any vanilla site/app. I've met all of my play partners on kink sites.
F e e l d I've found to be quite good so far, mainly FetL people but FetL isn't a good way to find people if you don't attend events.
feel d is ok but my feed is very soft indie people and not a lot of edge. Seems like the best way is to go to a bunch of fet events and start meeting people there. Been to a few munches but they are always heavily male attendance skewed "
I've not got a lot of events I can attend in my area. And I've already experienced some politics within the local scene, doesn't make me enthusiastic about getting more involved when what I really want is to find a dominant. |
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"Evening Fabbers!
Whilst I appreciate this site caters primarily for the swinging community (I was able to carefully deduce that from the name Fab’swingers’) there are many females, and I’m sure males too, who also classify themselves as ‘kinky’. From my experience so far though, I’d say about 75% of those kinksters seek activities more akin to adventurous and experimental sex/dynamics (eg toys, some tying up, light spanking, roleplay etc), rather than more substantive BDSM, or similar, focused play with experienced and skilled counterparts….
The crux of my query is, are there (m)any women on here who (1) focus more on finding BDSM partners, and (2) have the skill and expertise to engage in these activities safely at deeper levels? Eg… more severe or intense impact play requires skill by the person administering it, so it’s not always the safest bet to try it with someone who only has only dabbled with whips and canes…
The driver of the query is that to usually find women with a penchant for BDSM play at more extreme levels, you’d perhaps have to approach a pro Domme (where the sex side of the fun is off the cards), or go on kink focused apps (which for the most part are pretty awful). Fab seems like the perfect place to have naughty fun, but finding women who are also experienced and skilled BDSM/kink lovers appears to be a narrow pool on here…
Any thoughts? Am I perhaps not going about my search the right way? "
In my experience pretty rare, almost to the point of non existent. Certainly on this site. |
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I use other sites for more “kink” related meets.
Also attend clubs for kink or crossover events and meet more people that way.
I’ve found a lot of fab men into impact play, but not much else kink wise |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m hoping to find a person, not a kink.
I can’t do things just for the sake of it with anyone.
If I find that person to build up a trust I’ll be able to explore some of the thoughts I have. |
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I would question a lot in your post, OP.
I can see no reason to make a distinction between light spanking and 'more substantive BDSM.' In fact, in my experience, someone who only wants the more extreme end of things is simply not very good at BDSM. If you can't make someone quiver, squirm and explode from a light touch then it's back to the drawing board.
I can't say how many women on here are looking for BDSM partners. That would seem more likely on other sites. As a couple we are experienced with BDSM and enjoy what you call the more extreme side of BDSM (vampirism, knife-play, breath-play, electro-play, CNC, etc.) but neither of us would go looking for a new person to do that with. Trust is the foundation.
If something like that developed organically with a new partner, then over time we'd indulge and enjoy that. However, on the whole it is not something we do with someone we've just met. |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
I do not advertise as such on my profile but some observant people should be able to figure out my persuasions. Reasons why I don't shout about it? Because I can't be dealing with the Fabmin of nightmares  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would question a lot in your post, OP.
I can see no reason to make a distinction between light spanking and 'more substantive BDSM.' In fact, in my experience, someone who only wants the more extreme end of things is simply not very good at BDSM. If you can't make someone quiver, squirm and explode from a light touch then it's back to the drawing board.
I can't say how many women on here are looking for BDSM partners. That would seem more likely on other sites. As a couple we are experienced with BDSM and enjoy what you call the more extreme side of BDSM (vampirism, knife-play, breath-play, electro-play, CNC, etc.) but neither of us would go looking for a new person to do that with. Trust is the foundation.
If something like that developed organically with a new partner, then over time we'd indulge and enjoy that. However, on the whole it is not something we do with someone we've just met. "
I don't understand your point. And it seems quite unfair. The OP didn't say he ONLY wants the more extreme end of BDSM, nor did he use the word extreme. He was looking for people who've more experience past "light spanking". Why have you chosen to interpret what he said this way? |
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"I don't understand your point. And it seems quite unfair. The OP didn't say he ONLY wants the more extreme end of BDSM, nor did he use the word extreme. He was looking for people who've more experience past "light spanking". Why have you chosen to interpret what he said this way?"
How is it unfair? I didn't make a judgement of the OP. I merely expressed a difference of opinion. (It kinda happens in forums, ya know.)
He did, btw, use the word 'extreme.' And I suppose it was that which I was pickin -up on. I was questioning if something more than 'light spanking' actually is more 'substantive' BDSM. Not sure how that's unfair, or why you chose to interpret it that way. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
Feel swinging could possibly be more into B/d and heavily influenced by porn.
From my experience there is a very small section of fab that understand the full spectrum of BDSM.
That is purely from my perspective though. |
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"I use other sites for more “kink” related meets.
Also attend clubs for kink or crossover events and meet more people that way.
I’ve found a lot of fab men into impact play, but not much else kink wise "
Some, not all, guys seem to think that's all there is too it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I use other sites for more “kink” related meets.
Also attend clubs for kink or crossover events and meet more people that way.
I’ve found a lot of fab men into impact play, but not much else kink wise
Some, not all, guys seem to think that's all there is too it. "
Odd because that’s how I imagine most the women who ask for BDSM. They just want impact.
But it’s difficult to find all this out because we don’t talk about all this stuff on Fab anymore. And that’s why there’s a lot of confusion and misrepresentation
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My profile probably comes over a bit vanilla and boring, yet many years ago l was a professional tra ns domme trained by a lady exposed in the NOTW, took over my life so gave it up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't understand your point. And it seems quite unfair. The OP didn't say he ONLY wants the more extreme end of BDSM, nor did he use the word extreme. He was looking for people who've more experience past "light spanking". Why have you chosen to interpret what he said this way?
How is it unfair? I didn't make a judgement of the OP. I merely expressed a difference of opinion. (It kinda happens in forums, ya know.)
He did, btw, use the word 'extreme.' And I suppose it was that which I was pickin -up on. I was questioning if something more than 'light spanking' actually is more 'substantive' BDSM. Not sure how that's unfair, or why you chose to interpret it that way. "
You said this:
" someone who only wants the more extreme end of things is simply not very good at BDSM"
That's a judgement. Don't see how it can be construed as anything but.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I use other sites for more “kink” related meets.
Also attend clubs for kink or crossover events and meet more people that way.
I’ve found a lot of fab men into impact play, but not much else kink wise
Some, not all, guys seem to think that's all there is too it.
Odd because that’s how I imagine most the women who ask for BDSM. They just want impact.
But it’s difficult to find all this out because we don’t talk about all this stuff on Fab anymore. And that’s why there’s a lot of confusion and misrepresentation
"
Is it just that most women you've talked to want impact only? I certainly don't think it's the only thing (sub?) women want. But absolutely spot on that no-one can bloody talk about it here! We can talk about how to fist someone's arse but god forbid talk about anything more "substantive" as the OP refers to. |
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"I use other sites for more “kink” related meets.
Also attend clubs for kink or crossover events and meet more people that way.
I’ve found a lot of fab men into impact play, but not much else kink wise
Some, not all, guys seem to think that's all there is too it.
Odd because that’s how I imagine most the women who ask for BDSM. They just want impact.
But it’s difficult to find all this out because we don’t talk about all this stuff on Fab anymore. And that’s why there’s a lot of confusion and misrepresentation
"
No idea, I'm not one of those women so I couldn't tell you. |
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"I don't understand your point. And it seems quite unfair. The OP didn't say he ONLY wants the more extreme end of BDSM, nor did he use the word extreme. He was looking for people who've more experience past "light spanking". Why have you chosen to interpret what he said this way?
How is it unfair? I didn't make a judgement of the OP. I merely expressed a difference of opinion. (It kinda happens in forums, ya know.)
He did, btw, use the word 'extreme.' And I suppose it was that which I was pickin -up on. I was questioning if something more than 'light spanking' actually is more 'substantive' BDSM. Not sure how that's unfair, or why you chose to interpret it that way.
You said this:
" someone who only wants the more extreme end of things is simply not very good at BDSM"
That's a judgement. Don't see how it can be construed as anything but.
"
You missed off the first part of my sentence, which provides fairly essential context, but that's ok. Feel free to ignore it. Have a good rest of your weekend. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't understand your point. And it seems quite unfair. The OP didn't say he ONLY wants the more extreme end of BDSM, nor did he use the word extreme. He was looking for people who've more experience past "light spanking". Why have you chosen to interpret what he said this way?
How is it unfair? I didn't make a judgement of the OP. I merely expressed a difference of opinion. (It kinda happens in forums, ya know.)
He did, btw, use the word 'extreme.' And I suppose it was that which I was pickin -up on. I was questioning if something more than 'light spanking' actually is more 'substantive' BDSM. Not sure how that's unfair, or why you chose to interpret it that way.
You said this:
" someone who only wants the more extreme end of things is simply not very good at BDSM"
That's a judgement. Don't see how it can be construed as anything but.
You missed off the first part of my sentence, which provides fairly essential context, but that's ok. Feel free to ignore it. Have a good rest of your weekend."
A forum is for opinions after all. Enjoy your weekend too. |
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Ithadtobeyou / _penbicouple…
It wasn’t my intention to ruffle any feathers with the post and perhaps I could have articulated myself better… @ithadtobeyou, thank you for fighting my corner though
I suppose all I was trying to say was that, in the 18+ years I’ve been involved in BDSM, it has become more of a way of life/sexual expression, bringing an appreciation for the many different dynamics and kinks involved as well as levels of play (yes.. soft spanking included, all the way through to the more severe end… it’s a spectrum after all). For that reason, I only wanted to point out that a lot of people here who describe themselves as ‘kinky’ and most ‘S&M’ don’t necessarily appreciate these more nuanced aspects of a wide subculture and very often, 50 Shades of Grey and a plastic bondage kit received at the annual Secret Santa is what constitutes BDSM in their view. I make no judgment on this - each to their own - but the driver behind my initial post was trying to determine how and where to find Fabbers who also perhaps share a similar outlook to mine in this site… |
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Due to the sheer amount of wannabes, I'd never advertise this kind of thing on our profile.
We'd also never play with anyone in this way from a first meet. It's only after getting to know someone that boundaries and trust are properly established.
I played with an incredible Dom when I first joined here as a single and there was no mention of it on his profile.
I think that is quite common among the real kinksters in here.
I'd say therefore that chatting, either in the forums, DMs, or at group socials are definitely more effective ways at finding your kind.
Best of luck 
C |
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By *phialtesMan
over a year ago
Beyond the Wall |
Surely you just interact with people and then discover a mutual interest in these types of things, instead of trying to find some kind of kink dispenser?
What are you looking for? Meaningful relationships, or just a casual do me kind of thing? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Surely you just interact with people and then discover a mutual interest in these types of things, instead of trying to find some kind of kink dispenser?
What are you looking for? Meaningful relationships, or just a casual do me kind of thing?"
Mutual interest in kinks is rarer to find I feel. Kinks don't always align and match up enough. I feel a meaningful relationship is needed for my submissive side ....and I just can't do it with anyone. |
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"Ithadtobeyou / _penbicouple…
It wasn’t my intention to ruffle any feathers with the post and perhaps I could have articulated myself better… @ithadtobeyou, thank you for fighting my corner though
I suppose all I was trying to say was that, in the 18+ years I’ve been involved in BDSM, it has become more of a way of life/sexual expression, bringing an appreciation for the many different dynamics and kinks involved as well as levels of play (yes.. soft spanking included, all the way through to the more severe end… it’s a spectrum after all). For that reason, I only wanted to point out that a lot of people here who describe themselves as ‘kinky’ and most ‘S&M’ don’t necessarily appreciate these more nuanced aspects of a wide subculture and very often, 50 Shades of Grey and a plastic bondage kit received at the annual Secret Santa is what constitutes BDSM in their view. I make no judgment on this - each to their own - but the driver behind my initial post was trying to determine how and where to find Fabbers who also perhaps share a similar outlook to mine in this site…"
Thanks for clarifying your post, man. Very gracious of you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Surely you just interact with people and then discover a mutual interest in these types of things, instead of trying to find some kind of kink dispenser?
What are you looking for? Meaningful relationships, or just a casual do me kind of thing?"
I'm looking for meaningful. I can't do intense BDSM with a random for one night. That's not how it works - it's not role play for me aside from the all-important trust needed. And finding men who actually get that - proving next to impossible. |
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By *adgerMan
over a year ago
york |
I do have bd on my profile but it’s just a flag for others as it’s such a broad church. Like others I’ve found other sites better for kink and that’s been within longer term relationships… i really have to know a person and gain the persons trust to maximise the kink aspects |
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