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Single parent struggles
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I have only been a single parent for 4 months now but this has been the most difficult period of my life. I feel like I am failing in every aspect of fatherhood. I want what's best for my child but I feel what I do is never enough. I feel judged by others and I struggle to even get a connection with my child. Is it just me? |
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I'm not a parent but I just wanted to say cut yourself some slack! Dint compare yourself to others who are probably promoting a distorted version of their lives.
Is your child happy, healthy, fed, clothed, housed etc? If so then you're doing a great job! |
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No it isn't just you. I think every parent doubts themselves.
What you have to ask yourself is 'am I doing the best I can and is my child safe and loved?'
If you can answer yes you're doing alright.
Parenting is very hard, I don't know you but I suspect you're doing a pretty good job of it |
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As a single dad as well I can relate, it just takes time to adjust and build your new family life - it'll happen, but it feels really scary and crap until it does. Good luck with it all, you'll do it!! |
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"I have only been a single parent for 4 months now but this has been the most difficult period of my life. I feel like I am failing in every aspect of fatherhood. I want what's best for my child but I feel what I do is never enough. I feel judged by others and I struggle to even get a connection with my child. Is it just me? "
4 months and you are both still in transition, it takes a lot of adjusting and believe me, it sounds like you are being too hard on yourself. Your child might react to the situation negatively but remember they are transitioning too and it might be rocky while they adjust but it won't be forever, love and security.
No such thing as the perfect parent and your child doesn't want perfection, they just want to feel safe and loved and for now that is enough.
It's going to be challenging no doubt about it, but remember the fundamentals. Lay the foundation of love and security and everything else builds on top of that
Let people judge, fuck 'em, you don't answer to them. Just don't isolate yourself and remember you need time out too.
How old is your Child? Any groups you could join together in your area? Maybe contact your child's setting if they have one and they may have details of groups and activities and other agencies for you both to connect with
Don't forget to have fun with your child too, what do they enjoy? Have fun learning about each other.
Being a parent is bloody hard work but you know that the bond you build with your child will be stronger long term because of how hard you have had to work to build it
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"I have only been a single parent for 4 months now but this has been the most difficult period of my life. I feel like I am failing in every aspect of fatherhood. I want what's best for my child but I feel what I do is never enough. I feel judged by others and I struggle to even get a connection with my child. Is it just me?
4 months and you are both still in transition, it takes a lot of adjusting and believe me, it sounds like you are being too hard on yourself. Your child might react to the situation negatively but remember they are transitioning too and it might be rocky while they adjust but it won't be forever, love and security.
No such thing as the perfect parent and your child doesn't want perfection, they just want to feel safe and loved and for now that is enough.
It's going to be challenging no doubt about it, but remember the fundamentals. Lay the foundation of love and security and everything else builds on top of that
Let people judge, fuck 'em, you don't answer to them. Just don't isolate yourself and remember you need time out too.
How old is your Child? Any groups you could join together in your area? Maybe contact your child's setting if they have one and they may have details of groups and activities and other agencies for you both to connect with
Don't forget to have fun with your child too, what do they enjoy? Have fun learning about each other.
Being a parent is bloody hard work but you know that the bond you build with your child will be stronger long term because of how hard you have had to work to build it
"
My child is 18 months old and I make every minute count with him but it is exhausting. I feel like I have no bond with him. |
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We are lucky in that we are a 2 parent family, but you're not trained to be a parent, all you can do is use your experience from your parents of how to do things and , probably more importantly, how not to do things.
As long as your child feels loved and cared for that's really all that matters.
When my daughter turned 14, we really didn't talk for about 5 years. We both went through hard times with close family bereavement, work, etc but we came through it and we are closer now than we've ever been although she has moved out. |
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"I have only been a single parent for 4 months now but this has been the most difficult period of my life. I feel like I am failing in every aspect of fatherhood. I want what's best for my child but I feel what I do is never enough. I feel judged by others and I struggle to even get a connection with my child. Is it just me?
4 months and you are both still in transition, it takes a lot of adjusting and believe me, it sounds like you are being too hard on yourself. Your child might react to the situation negatively but remember they are transitioning too and it might be rocky while they adjust but it won't be forever, love and security.
No such thing as the perfect parent and your child doesn't want perfection, they just want to feel safe and loved and for now that is enough.
It's going to be challenging no doubt about it, but remember the fundamentals. Lay the foundation of love and security and everything else builds on top of that
Let people judge, fuck 'em, you don't answer to them. Just don't isolate yourself and remember you need time out too.
How old is your Child? Any groups you could join together in your area? Maybe contact your child's setting if they have one and they may have details of groups and activities and other agencies for you both to connect with
Don't forget to have fun with your child too, what do they enjoy? Have fun learning about each other.
Being a parent is bloody hard work but you know that the bond you build with your child will be stronger long term because of how hard you have had to work to build it
My child is 18 months old and I make every minute count with him but it is exhausting. I feel like I have no bond with him. "
It takes time, don't be hard on yourself, does he attend Nursery at all? Speak to them if so, believe me they will be understanding and supportive. And I can't stress enough about accessing services in your area |
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"Thanks all. I just want to give my little one my all but I can't even give myself my all sometimes"
There’s no ‘book of doing parenting right’ and do what you can to the best that you’re able.
Being there and being involved in their life is the thing. |
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"I have only been a single parent for 4 months now but this has been the most difficult period of my life. I feel like I am failing in every aspect of fatherhood. I want what's best for my child but I feel what I do is never enough. I feel judged by others and I struggle to even get a connection with my child. Is it just me?
4 months and you are both still in transition, it takes a lot of adjusting and believe me, it sounds like you are being too hard on yourself. Your child might react to the situation negatively but remember they are transitioning too and it might be rocky while they adjust but it won't be forever, love and security.
No such thing as the perfect parent and your child doesn't want perfection, they just want to feel safe and loved and for now that is enough.
It's going to be challenging no doubt about it, but remember the fundamentals. Lay the foundation of love and security and everything else builds on top of that
Let people judge, fuck 'em, you don't answer to them. Just don't isolate yourself and remember you need time out too.
How old is your Child? Any groups you could join together in your area? Maybe contact your child's setting if they have one and they may have details of groups and activities and other agencies for you both to connect with
Don't forget to have fun with your child too, what do they enjoy? Have fun learning about each other.
Being a parent is bloody hard work but you know that the bond you build with your child will be stronger long term because of how hard you have had to work to build it
My child is 18 months old and I make every minute count with him but it is exhausting. I feel like I have no bond with him. "
Believe me when I say that you don't need to make every minute count. I think you might be putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself. |
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By (user no longer on site) 51 weeks ago
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"Thanks all. I just want to give my little one my all but I can't even give myself my all sometimes"
I know exactly how you feel- I always hate seeing him walk away back to his mums knowing I wind be in his life every day until the next time I see him, I always feel I’m not doing enough and always worry I’m not building the bond a father and should have, it’s a difficult thing to cope with, even now, I have a real tear up to myself when I think about it- but you know what?, I look forward to when I do see him, I try to make sure I fill my time with him with love and laughs, lots of cuddles, I tell him I love him all the time, and when I have to be the bad guy and tell him off, I make sure we always end on a cuddle and a happy note. I make sure he knows and feels like my number one and involve him in my life as if he always lived here when he’s with me!
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Not a single parent, but kids are a challenge even if you are both there. I put my youngest in the bath last night with his clothes on because he was being such a little bollocks. Now I have the guilt to deal with. Keep going. It mostly works out ok in the end. |
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I became a single parent of 9 children when my wife died in 2005. My youngest was seven and a half at the time. It was difficult enough dealing with their grief as well as my own. I didn't have time to worry about being a single parent I just wanted it to be easier for them and take away their pain. It helped that I had older children so I could work full time but it still want easy. Your 4 months in, don't be critical of yourself, you'll make mistakes all parents do whether by yourself or not. |
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Huge respect OP.
Dad and doing shared care here.
4months this is still early. I found the beginning hard as well.
I found it helpful to have support networks. Single parent groups or forums.
And if affordable or you have support from friends/family please use it. To have some me time helps a lot.
You are doing a great job I am sure and time will help!
 |
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"I have only been a single parent for 4 months now but this has been the most difficult period of my life. I feel like I am failing in every aspect of fatherhood. I want what's best for my child but I feel what I do is never enough. I feel judged by others and I struggle to even get a connection with my child. Is it just me?
My child is 18 months old and I make every minute count with him but it is exhausting. I feel like I have no bond with him.
"
your in transition but dont worry it will come.
your doing your best keep doing it its really worth it in the end i wouldnt change anything that i went through.
the only time ive felt really lost is when i put a child on an operating table and leave them in the hands of others.
i felt really lost, empty, didnt know what to do with myself whilst caring for another as i had 2 young children.
keep going and doing your best for them
make them happy, enjoy the experience its one of a kind whilst also letting them know your the boss and no means no.
ive still got many a day i can chuckle about both my children and there good and bad days.
ive even being thanked by my eldest stepchild for what i did for him |
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I think every parent feels that way regardless of situation. I love being a single parent which is why I don't want a relationship but there are moments that are tough, like when we're both really ill and as the only caregiver that's a challenge. I don't know many people where I am, I'm a bit anti social really but I would say get involved in groups and cut yourself some slack. 4 months in is still very early days! |
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I ended up some years ago now as a single parent to 6 month old baby and a 4 year old when my marriage broke down and my ex moved away. I was totally unprepared and never a situation I ever expected to find myself in. From a practical point of veiw only it's a massive undertaking. Especially when their age means difficulties in how you juggle a career around family life. As well as single handedly juggling domestic life, admin and still being a parent. Then add on top the finacial implications and the alliteration of free time or being in adult company. I found it a real isolating place. Then if like I was, you're still dealing with the fallout, disbelief and feeling of being lost as a result of a break up or bereavement it sucks. It's a real challenging place to be.
I think (from my own experience) its also a different world as a single male parent. From going to tots groups and other child based activities/situations it tend to be a real female orientated world. It's hard to fit as a male, because your just not a female. Generally the mom's are nice, but you feel a little excluded. Which is natural because women want to talk about women stuff without men and share things that are nothing to do with me. I totally got that, but its still doesn't help with that isolation feel. You are very aware it's a woman's world so generally you can never full be part of the group. Also women's reactions when they find out your a single parent (especially to very young children) can suck, even though not deliberately. First when you tell them you're a single parent they're instantly dubious and say oh, you mean you have 50/50 custody? You tell them no, the kids live with me full time then you generally get two reactions. Reaction one, instant suspicion, how could this be so, is he some kind of dark manipulator who's gained power over the kids. This sort tend to stay very clear of you. Which is not a nice feeling. The second general reaction is kind of patronising (although I get it comes from a nice sentiment). It's like WOW you are so amazing to do that, that's really amazing. Which kind of suck too in a way. For me it's like I'm their father, why is it so amazing that I raise my kids? It's kind of annoying and unfair when people sort of lord you as something special to raise your kinds single handedly as man like it's something more praise worthy than as a single mom. It's a different experience as a single dad. It also opens your eyes to the uneven gender disparity in society regards parenting. And because of this inequality that many effects women ironically as a man hits the few of us out there worse. Because we are like almost a glitch in the system that's not designed for this situation.
Anyway moving on from my experiences hopefully I can share a few things to help. Number One and the biggest, be kind on yourself. There's so much pressure mixed with so much practically and emotionally going on. Take one day and a time and understand things won't always go to plan and you make mistakes or just can't function perfectly. And that's OK, we are only one man with a shit load going on. It's hard to take it easy on ourselves because our children are important to us and we want to be everything we can to them. A school teacher freind gave me some very good advice from her experience when I first found myself in this position. She said relax, you will do fine because in her experience children that are loved alway thrive. So don't worry about the mounting washing up pile, the forgotten item for school that day or the struggle to buy this or that, the struggle to find time to play with them amongst work and domestic chores. As long as your child is loved they'll be fine.
Don't lose yourself. I hard to find time for that adult you when you're knee deep in laundry, nappies, toys and child care. But try to find time for your little pleasures, hobbies or head space if you can. Even if it's just a couple of hours while their asleep or the offer of an hour or twos child care. And also if you can get the opportunity and child care go get laid! I know that sounds crass but it's important. It so necessary to remind yourself you are an adult and that you are desirable to other adults. It's so good for your self esteem and feeling of value. It's so good to share that physical intimate human interaction again.
It's a wild emothional roller coaster of a ride, especially if your dealing with being a single parent mixed with beak up fall-out, difficult ex's or bereavement. Just take one day at a time. It does stabilise and you will get there. And always take whatever help is out there.
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That's just life as a parent... But as others have said, don't be so hard on yourself!
There's lots of support out there these days. My saviour was the local sure start centre, I think they might be children's centres now. They provided so much support and even back then there were dad's only groups, maybe have a look for something like that?
The best thing you can do, is have routine. I mean it won't always go like clockwork, but it makes life a little easier. And don't sweat the small stuff. Kids don't really care as long as they're fed, warm and loved. |
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By (user no longer on site) 51 weeks ago
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The 1st step is to stop judging yourself so harshly and stop worrying so much what everyone else thinks.
Parenting is THE most hardest job in the world with no rule book. As long as your children are loved and you're doing your best, that's all that counts. |
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